I moved far enough away so that the tremors no longer affected my mobility. Astaroth's proposal is tempting, but I'll ignore it for now I'm not mentally or physically fit enough to attempt such a bold action.
Soon I'll reach the library.
'A book...there's a book I want to read...' the book [Mythology of Monsters] that was recommended to me.
I knock on the door, the experience of losing my hand still working perfectly. The door opens and I enter, walking through the library looking for the librarian, not touching anything.
I'll let him get the book for me, I don't feel like causing trouble I'll just grab the book, read it here, and go back to my room.
I walk through this library remembering the terrible things that happened to me, the desperate escape I made through these silent corridors while being hunted by the librarian.
It was...bad, very bad, too desperate to flee from him, and now the caution simply doubles just by entering here.
Soon I reach the counter and see him, the same super feminine appearance even though he's a man.
"Hello miss, it's been a while, the castle has been quite lively since you started 'strolling' around here."
"What do you mean?" I don't want to chat with him, but if he has something useful to say, he can tell me I know he won't mess with me if I don't do anything stupid.
"Many things, Fenrir is looking for you, he keeps howling and screaming that he's going to kill the bastard who stole his wife, sometimes his howls echo through the whole castle, and you can also hear smaller wolves running down the path, shouting that their queen has been kidnapped."
I can't believe the damn Fenrir really considers me his wife. In the game there were many branches, so I never had a bad ending of being his wife.
However, in the game, Ayla was never fucked while in partial animal form, so maybe the fact that I'm in a cat-girl form is what caused this bad ending for me.
I'm not happy to hear this, having Fenrir treating me as his wife and looking for me is not at all exciting.
"Wanna know more?"
"Maybe...what do you want in exchange?" I see his gaze on me.
"Yes, I do want something, but without bait, the fish won't bite...so how about learning about Lucifer? In a way, he's currently in charge of the castle."
'Currently? Wasn't he the owner?' I always thought Lucifer was the owner of the castle suffering so much has made me more perceptive, and I think that after the last incident with those things, my mind went on high alert for anything.
"It depends...what exactly are you going to give me and ask for? I just came here to get the book [Mythology of Monsters]," I say to him, sitting down at the table.
"I'll get it for you, miss, I'll be right back and tell you what I want and what I'll give in exchange." I wait calmly at the table, my lethargy has returned.
In the end, I'm not mentally ill, and another memory flashback I remember everything, and knowing that this happened without being able to forget makes me just get more depressed.
I can never forget memories unless in special cases like the librarian's room, where whatever you see is forgotten over time.
Maybe I can do something different, I don't want to sink into these feelings out of my own fault. My immortality won't cure a mental issue that's my own fault, induced by myself.
I wonder what I could do to reduce my suffering in this castle my despair even makes me disbelieve that Uriel will come save me someday, and I don't even have Aetheris anymore to console me.
Maybe Aurora was right about everything, I was too arrogant living as Ayla was a hell I was never able to endure. Everything is difficult, the constant alertness, the fear of everything, the pain I feel, all of this makes my brain unable to bear the exhaustion.
And with mental exhaustion, all I feel is a desire to give up forever. In the last few days after being caught, something has always crossed my mind wouldn't it be easier to just give up? If I stop resisting so much, wouldn't it be better?
If I stop trying to escape or fight everything and just let things go as they are, wouldn't I suffer less?
These questions repeat in a spiral in my head, always coming back and never leaving me alone, as if a voice in my head told me to accept that this way I wouldn't suffer anymore.
Wouldn't it be better to just sink into pleasure instead of sinking into pain and despair? I no longer have dignity, masculinity, honor, or pride to keep my mind focused.
So while I at least try to find Aurora, wouldn't it be better to just let things go as they are and take it slow? Without hurry, with less caution and more time.
I'm being too hasty if I just go slowly and rest, it could be very different.
Of course, the thought that this would be betraying Uriel's love came up, but when I remember the insects, everything simply crumbles and the bad thoughts appear.
Who in their right mind would still like me after what was transmitted to everyone? I can't imagine Uriel still liking me after watching that.
This disgusting and contaminated body, I can't see how a decent and kind guy like Uriel would want this.
The only beings my mind can still see as having an interest in me are the demon lords and the monsters Uriel plummeted to the bottom instantly in my mind after that.
That's why my remorse always leads me to get even sadder, because it always leads me to believe that Uriel no longer wants anything to do with me. Since that day, every time I look in the mirror, it's as if my reflection judges me.
The disgust I see in the gaze of my reflection fills me with sadness.
Whenever I look at my reflection, I start to hear my head talking nonsense to punish me, and in the end I know it's my own fault my immortality wouldn't let me go insane and hear voices.
So the voices I hear are my own, and when I realized that, it just got worse, because it shows that I've already accepted that I'm like this.
Knowing for sure how I see myself has made this self-punishment even more painful.
"Here you go, miss, your book." The librarian arrives, pulling me out of my daydream that would soon have me start questioning how useless I really am.
I look at the strange cover the cover is rough and hard, like scales, and there's an eye on the book that moves, alternating between looking at me and looking at the librarian.
The cover is green, while the eye is blue. If I had to say, it reminds me of a dragon, especially the pupil of the eye, which is like a vertical slit.
"This book...it looks alive?" And as if it's pulsing in my hands, plus the part of the book that's supposed to be grabbed to open it has teeth.
"This book...it's not going to bite me out of nowhere, is it?"
"It can't move, so the answer is no, it won't bite you."
"Okay...I'll read it here and return it, alright?" I don't want to try to take anything fear is something bizarre that takes root in the mind and is difficult to get rid of, like a weed that never goes away.
"Sure, but don't you want to hear the proposal first so you can think about whether to accept it while you read?" He gestures to the book as he speaks.
"Okay...so what's this proposal?" I question with doubts, I don't think he's very trustworthy.
"How about, in exchange for me telling you how to enter the 3 hidden rooms that Lucifer tries so hard to hide, you do me a favor?" What he's saying is also tempting.
Now the crazy thing is that 2 powerful beings are making a proposal to me, and they're all related to Lucifer the Librarian and Astaroth are working together? Do they want to screw me over together in one fell swoop?
"You don't need to look at me like that, miss," he says as he opens a book and starts writing something.
"And what do you want from me?" Depending on the price, I might consider accepting.
"I want you to be the BDSM partner of the Demon Lord of Wrath. I want something from that Demon Lord, and I know he'll give it in exchange if I give him something he'd like." He speaks in a calm tone, belying the seriousness of the request.
"Y-You think..." I was going to deny it, but...
"Okay, I accept." He looks slightly surprised.
"Great, then when you're done with your book, we can go." I was going to refuse, but really, why refuse? I've lost everything I had to lose, and even searching for Aurora is something I do without understanding the reason.
Will finding Aurora change anything in my life? I don't know anymore it's all I can do, and given that I'm normally a toy that gains nothing, I prefer to be a toy that at least gets something in return. If this at least helps me get out of this hell soon, then so be it. I never thought I'd throw myself into the lion's den of my own free will - what a cruel irony of fate.
I soon open my book to read, since after that I'll be going through something very painful.