Hugo was in heaven. Well, more specifically, he was on a bike ride with Lily clinging to his back, but in his mind, this was pure bliss.
No, this was heaven! He was right beside the angels at this particular blessed moment!
Despite the fact that he was riding a bike, Hugo's brain was actually on autopilot, blasting a strange medley of random song lyrics that didn't make any sense.
In fact, it was absolute nonsense.
'Take me to your taco land, where the moon is made of cheese…,
Squeeze me baby, like a ketchup bottle...'
Hugo chuckled to himself, he was thoroughly enjoying the bike ride. The crisp night air brushed past his face as he smoothly maneuvered down the streets.
But then he felt it—the undeniable sensation of Lily's chest squishing against his back as she hugged his waist tighter.
Hugo's mind shirt circuited. 'Holy moly! Such softness!'
It wasn't just a hug—it was a boob hug. His eyes went wide, and for a second, he almost forgot how to breathe.
His mind went blank for a couple more seconds, before filling back up with pure, blissful chaos.
'Holy... Is really this heaven?', he thought, barely able to keep the goofy grin off his face. Even his thoughts had typos at this moment. Clearly he was feeling ecstatic.
This was the most intimate he had ever been with a woman that wasn't his family his whole life!
At least, not in his dreams!
But then, an evil idea slithered its way into his mind. Imaginary horns sprouted atop his head and his skin turned reddish. Scales grew over his skin and a long tail swished behind him.
He was transforming... evolving into demon mode...
Vroom!
With a devilish grin, Hugo twisted the throttle, causing the bike to lurch forward with a sudden burst of speed. Lily, surprised, hugged him even tighter.
Alas, this only made matters worse.
'Oh my God, she's hugging me tighter! More!' he mentally cackled, feeling like some sort of mad scientist who had just discovered the formula for eternal happiness.
Without thinking twice, he did it again—another sharp burst of acceleration. This time he went crazy with it. The bike almost teleported forward.
Lily squealed and clung to him like her life depended on it, and Hugo couldn't help but laugh inwardly.
Each time he sped up, she held him closer. This was a cycle he was more than willing to continue.
His mind was flooded with thoughts like, 'If this is wrong, I don't ever want to be right.' and wait till I tell Sanchez all about this...'
But then, reality snapped back. "WATCH OUT!" Lily screamed in his ear.
Hugo's heart skipped a beat. He snapped his attention forward just in time to see a car pulling out from a side street, right in their path.
Time seemed to slow down, and for a brief, horrifying moment, Hugo saw his entire life flash before his eyes—though mostly it was just random images of boobs, tacos, and lonely sessions spent in the toilet.
'I'm dead! I'm dead!'
Before the panic could fully consume him though, something magical happened.
It was the system that came to save the day!
His Aura of Zen activated automatically, washing over him like a soothing wave of calm.
The aura washed over him like a tranquil wave, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. His mind grew calm and the panic disappeared like it had never existed.
In the face of such imminent danger and possible death, Hugo's thought was...
'¥£€¥¢^*#'
Actually, he wasn't thinking of anything at that moment. He simply reacted, like a programmed bot.
He swerved the bike gracefully around the car, his mind clear as a monk's meditation.
After the swift maneuver, the aura automatically deactivated once again. And he could finally form cohesive thoughts once again.
For a moment, he was stunned. 'Did I... did I just pull that off?' His inner monologue switched from panic to straight-up disbelief. 'I am... a god!'
'I'm a genius! I'm a goddamn hero!'
Lily, still glued to his back, was breathing heavily, clearly shaken by the near death experience.
Hugo, trying to play it cool, remembered Sanchez's advice: Defuse awkward situations with irrelevant information.
"Wow, Lily," he called over his shoulder, "you're hugging me so tight, I'm starting to think you might be trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver or something. Except I'm not choking." He laughed awkwardly, hoping she wouldn't notice how much his voice was shaking.
She didn't respond.
Abort! Abort! Hugo felt he had messed up once again. His red horns and scales receded and his transformation ended.
'I've messed up—'
Suddenly, Lily began to laugh. Hugo's brows furrowed as he panicked a little.
'Has she lost her mind due to fear?!...'
He was tempted to search for the location of the nearest mental health hospital, but stopped when she muttered under her breath that sounded like; "That was so cool..."
He finally relaxed, although it was hard to do so when his heart was grossing 300 beats per minute.
He had almost died, after all! It wasn't really cool at all!
Still reeling from the adrenaline rush, he finally slowed the bike down.
His hands were clammy, and his mind was racing. But before he could process what had just happened, the bike gave a sudden jolt and slowed even more—then stopped completely.
Hugo's stomach sank. He twisted the throttle. Nothing. He pressed buttons on the dashboard. Still nothing.
Then, like the universe itself was laughing at him, the display on the bike's screen blinked with a single, soul-crushing message: Battery empty.
"Fuck me," Hugo muttered under his breath, feeling his entire world crumble around him. Now? Seriously?
Lily leaned slightly to the side. "Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah! Totally!" Hugo babbled, trying to keep his voice calm. "Just, uh, recalibrating the engine. You know, high-tech stuff. These electric bikes, am I right?" He forced a laugh, but inside, he was screaming.
What am I supposed to do now?!