"Jenn, honey, are you OK?"
When I opened my eyes I saw the worried, but kind and welcoming face of Mom.
"What, what happened?"
"We don't know, sweetie, but you passed out in the shower"
"Who am I? Where am I? How long has it been?"
"Don't worry, sweetie, of course, you are my one and only daughter, Jenn. You are at the best hospital there is, and it's only been a few hours. They don't know the cause, but the doctor said you will be fine after some rest"
"Is this-, is this the hospital I came to before, after the accident?"
"Yes, honey"
After the initial disorientation had subsided a little, I noticed Hana standing a few feet behind my mother who was sitting beside my bed holding my hand.
"Hana, the boy, is the boy still here?"
"Which boy?"
"The boy that fell onto our car"
"Jenn, honey. We've been looking after him as per your wish. He's here and will stay here as long as it makes you feel better", Mom answered instead.
"I wanna go see him"
"Why all of a sudden? You should rest for now, sweetie"
"No, I WANT TO go see him now"
"Did you have a bad dream? He's not going anywhere. Don't worry"
"Forget it, Mom. Hana-, how's the boy? Did anything change?"
"Miss, it is very… surprising that you suddenly ask about him. He just had an operation last night"
"Operation? Is he okay now? Has he regained consciousness?"
"No… it was… something rather unfortunate"
"What is it?"
"I don't know what it is, but don't stress her out now, Hana", Mom told Hana sternly.
"Yes, Ma'am"
"NO! What is it?!"
"Please rest, Jenn"
"I'M GONNA GO NOW! LET ME GO!"
With that, I jumped off the bed and made a run for the door, but my legs gave way and I fell to the ground after a few steps.
"See, you still need to rest"
"Mom… please, let me go…", I was now practically begging while crying.
":Sigh: Hana, is it okay for Jenn to go see the boy?"
"Ma'am, to be honest, it is probably not a good idea at the current state of the Miss"
"You heard her, Jenn. You are not going, not for now"
I don't know what came over me, but I just had an uncontrollable urge that I had to go see MY body. I started to hit myself on the head furiously.
"Jenn, Jenn-, what on earth are you doing?!"
"Let me go, now, now!"
Mom held my wrists to stop me but I was stronger than her and she couldn't keep me under control. After a few more hits she embraced me hard and said,
"Ok, ok, Jenn. Whatever you wish, honey. We will bring you there. Please stop doing this to yourself"
"Tha….thanks…Mom"
After some minutes, I was walking down the hallway that led to the intensive care room where 'I' was lying. It was me who asked to come here, but as I got off the elevator and started to follow Hana leading the way, my legs were shivering and I was feeling scared.
Then I saw MY mother and father, sitting on a bench in the hallway. My Mom's face was buried in my father's chest and it was obvious she was crying. I noticed even my father's eyes were teary, which I don't think I've ever seen before in my life.
It broke my heart to see them like that, but I knew at least I, my body, wasn't dead. I hesitated a little but Hana walked on, so I continued to reach for the room.
When I stood outside the room looking through the window, there I was laying on the bed, but with my left leg suspended up in the air. It was missing everything from the thigh down.
"God… what… happened?"
"He was amputated. He's in stable condition now and his body will recover"
I was speechless.
"You might remember when we first came here I mentioned that the doctors thought his leg might need to be removed but his parents wanted to give their son as much chance to make some miracle recovery as possible. Very unfortunately, the infections were spreading and they had no option but to amputate as leaving it any further would have risked his life"
I broke down to the ground and started to sob, then it turned into a full wail.
That was the body that my parents gave to me. It was a body that grew inside my mother, a body that my mother went through the pain of labor to bring to this world. They fed it and helped it grow. They carried that body when it couldn't walk yet. They must have been so happy when that body finally managed to stand on its two feet, and then take a step, and then even start to run.
And I fucking ruined it.
A limb that was grown from tiny cells from my mother and father, a limb that took so many years and care and love to grow, was removed and binned. It didn't make sense that I didn't think about such things when I tried to take my own life. But seeing a physical part of my body gone now, the truth hit me hard. I did the worst possible thing I could have ever done to my parents.
As I was on my knees crying uncontrollably, MY father was suddenly standing next to me, looking down at me with sympathy.
"Are you okay?"
I looked up and looked into his eyes for the first time since I was myself the last time. If I wasn't in such a broken state I probably would have just lost it and jumped and hugged him and called him Dad there and then.
Then my Dad turned to Hana, whom it looked like he knew by now.
"Ma'am, is she the one…?"
"Yes. She is the one who requested that we look after your boy. We are very sorry that things turned out this way"
My Dad turned to me again, knelt, and bowed to me.
"Miss… thank you so much. You are so kind…"
The strongest thing I have ever done in my combined life was then wiping my tears, acknowledging him with a nod of my head, getting back up on my two feet, and walking away.
Me, Hana, and 'Mom' walked to the elevator in silence. None of us said anything. When we got in, Hana pressed the button for the floor where my room was and the door closed.
"Hana, please ask Uncle Tan to help me get to school"
"Miss, I don't think that's a good-"
"Why? No, Jenn-, sweetie. Please rest today. You can miss school for a day or two, or as long as you need to recover"
"No, mom. I have to go"
"Just why? What's wrong with you now? What is the meaning of all this?"
"I need to go to running practice today"