"Jenn, are you awake?"
I heard Danbi's voice coming from just outside my bedroom door. I had been lying in bed for a good hour or so but just couldn't fall asleep.
What's she up to?
I walked towards the door and opened it to find Danbi standing just outside, hugging her pillow.
"Yeah, I wasn't sleeping yet. What's up?"
"Sorry, but I can't sleep"
"Well, me neither"
"Can I come in?"
"I guess"
"Thanks"
Then Danbi walked in and tried to look around to see what my room was like but it was a bit too dark for her to be impressed, which she definitely would be if she saw it during day time.
"Is it okay if I lay on your bed?"
Man. This girl has just no reservations, barging into my room in the middle of the night and asking if she can lay on my bed. You'd think we must have been childhood friends or something but we've only really talked for the first time today.
"Er… are you gonna sleep here?"
"No, no, don't worry. I'll just stay for a bit and go back to my room. I promise"
"Ok…"
She then plopped herself onto my bed and lay down resting her head on the pillow she brought over.
"This bed is so comfortable"
"The one in the guest room isn't?"
"Oh don't get me wrong. That bed is already like ten times better than my bed at home but this one's just something else"
"Yeah, but I still have sleepless nights"
"Is there anything worrying you?"
"I could ask the same since you seem to have trouble sleeping too"
"Hehe, for me it's probably because I'm just too excited. This is the first sleepover I had at a friend's house in a long time"
So she already considers and calls me her friend, so naturally.
"Anyways, what about you, Jenn? Anything keeping you awake?"
:Sigh:
There were just too many things on my mind these days since coming back to school as Jenn. It sure was much better than being my old self though.
"I don't know. I'm just adjusting to the new school and it takes a toll on my mind I guess"
"Our school stresses you out? Do you want to go back to South East High?"
"No. But how do I say, erm, were you there in the classroom when Soojin and her friends were attacking me?"
"Yeah, but it looked like you attacked them, heh. You were like a real badass"
"Just defending myself… anyways, was she ever like that to you too?"
I knew Soojin joined Hechan to bully me, but I hadn't seen her bully or get into a fight with other girls in class before. Today was the first time I saw her getting aggressive with a girl in the class, and it just had to be me. I knew it was because she was probably just getting jealous over Hechan, but it still sucked that even as Jenn I was getting targeted. It's like I became someone else but the past troubles were chasing me again, just in a new guise.
"No, she's not like that. But well, Hechan DID make a scene with that Track and Field Captain fighting over you last Friday, so that's probably why"
Yeah, I knew it.
"But she's generally okay with everyone in the class. She can be nasty but doesn't really pick fights with people for random reasons"
Why did she pick on me before then? Just because Hechan was doing it?
"Except that… hmmm, there was a boy in the class that she was really mean to"
That would be me, yes.
"Are you talking about the one that supposedly tried to kill himself after getting bullied?"
"Oh, how did you know that?"
"I heard it from Chin"
"Well, it's not a nice story, but it is what it is"
Let me probe into how others in the class saw the situation back then.
"So… what did she do to him? And why him?"
"All sorts of nasty stuff. Better not get into that now or you probably can't sleep"
I already can't sleep.
"But I think she was just joining up with Hechan. It's like sharing a hobby with a guy you like or something like that"
What the fuck? Hobby?
"Why did Hechan pick on that boy?"
"I don't know to be honest"
"Did anybody ever try to stop him?"
I knew the answer was no, and I heard Ajin's theory of why nobody stepped in, but I was curious what someone like Danbi would think.
"Nobody did and I guess we should all feel bad for it. Well, at least I feel bad personally"
Strangely, I did not feel any anger towards Danbi for not trying to help me before, whereas I was somewhat bitter toward Ajin considering how helpful person she is to me now but she never did anything about the bullying. She was the class rep, if anybody could have intervened it would have been her.
"That boy's still alive though but he is in a really bad state. I went to see him at the hospital and I felt really bad seeing him like that, although we never even talked in class before"
What? Danbi had gone to see me at the hospital? What for? Just as she said, we never even had any interactions.
"Why did you go to the hospital if you didn't even know him well?"
"Like I said, I just felt bad. I felt somewhat guilty for not helping although there wasn't really anything I could do. But I did go see him and apologized. It's not like he could respond though. Well, maybe I was just being selfish and wanted to get the burden off my mind"
Maybe she was right. Going to see me while I was in a coma was pointless. Trying to apologize when I can't respond was pointless. Feeling guilty about the whole thing now was pointless. She was probably right, yes. It was just her trying to feel better about herself. She didn't really care about me.
But why… why do I have tears swelling up in my eyes?
"Are you okay, Jenn?"
"I… I'm okay. I… think that boy would have appreciated that someone cared enough to come to see him, although it was way too late as you say"
"You look like you are gonna cry, Jenn. Sorry if I said some weird stuff"
"No… I just got a bit emotional hearing about the…. poor boy"
"You didn't even know him but you are like this?"
I didn't know how to respond to that. I was just trying to calm down and stop myself from actually starting to cry.
"Jenn, I think you are very kind"
I think I was always kind, or at least I would have tried to be kind to everyone, but back then, I guess people didn't really expect kindness from someone they pity or look down on. If I had been treated normally, I would have been nice to others as well, and maybe I could even become friends with someone like Danbi, who was really outgoing and also...
Kind.