"..."
—I didn't have it in me to deny her words.
Even I knew it to be true.
The fact that I had bound myself hand and foot, and had been driving my "self" inward... and the fact that that "self" had by no means vanished, even now.
Even so... I could not admit it.
I mean... the "me" I had always tried not to look at until now... "Wilmarina" might just be an unthinkably unpleasant woman.
Rather than that... the "hero" that everyone hoped for and expected was much more righteous... or so I told myself.
—In regards to El... she was too obvious, and...
"So, you can can't do anything but conduct yourself as a 'hero' in front of him. You didn't want him to hate you, and he might not like 'Wilmarina'... so you adhered to your 'hero' self to excess."
It was surely as the succubus said.
Because I had always gone on being a hero... because I had continued to avert my eyes from "Wilmarina"...
I had ended up coming to possess no self-confidence.
For that reason, I had been unable to reveal "Wilmarina" to El when I was at last able to reunite with him... and I had ended up hurting him.
"But, you know, is a 'hero' really such a wonderful thing?"
"Huh...?"
—Those words of hers caught me off guard.
The chosen ones who had received the divine protection of the Chief God.
The few people who had been entrusted by the Chief God and other deities with the task of guiding and defending.
That was the image of a "Hero" in my mind.
That was why I had devoted myself to trying not to hate anyone or to form any special connection, in order to lead and protect people equally.
Of course, that was because there was much that resonated with the image of a "Hero" inside me.
And yet, the succubus squarely repudiated such a "Hero," and softly stroked my hair, clinging with sweat.
"Try to think back ve–ery hard... Your trying to be a 'hero' ended up hurting both you and the person precious to you, didn't it...? Because you wanted to protect more people, you ended up ignoring the number one reason you've kept at it."
"That's..."
—Those were, of course, words that I couldn't possibly deny.
His expression of hardship from my youth was resurrected in my mind.
A look in which was mixed the resignation of having seemingly wanted to say something and being unable to begin.
That was... surely something that, by all rights, El could never have expressed.
At the very least... if I hadn't become a "hero," of all things, he would never have been wounded like that.
"There's no such creature as a 'hero'; you're just an ordinary human, you know? Coming to like someone and coming to dislike them... are both natural functions of the heart, and no one at all can deny them."
—How easy things would be if I obediently nodded my head in assent at those words.
It wasn't as if there was no voice whispering to me to do so in response to her kind words.
And yet, I couldn't make that choice.
Of course, it wasn't because I was a "hero," or anything of the kind.
Something simpler... something it was quite ordinary for a "human" to seek: virtue was whispering the word "duty" to me.
"But... I actually am a 'hero.' I have a duty to wield the power I've been granted for somebody else's sake..."
"Oh dear... might those 'somebodies' be... the people who forced you to be a 'hero'?"
"!"
—Her words, which might even be called scathing, pierced my breast.
I was at a loss for words in spite of myself, and the succubus stood quietly before me with a pained expression.
That look, just as if her heart were afflicted by some affair of her own, must surely have been tied to my circumstances.
I wasn't sure exactly how much she knew of my affairs, but... at the very least, she certainly knew about "that."
"I was surprised when I peeked into your dreams. I mean... in your dreams, almost everyone except Elt was forcing you to be a 'hero.' Your family and colleagues and superiors and subordinates... they all treat you as a 'hero.' But if even one of them had told you 'it's alright not to be a hero'... things might have been different... Surely you've always thought so too?"
"Stop...!"
—That was the ugly part of "Wilmarina" I had kept hidden for so long.
The ugly thought that wanted the duty to fall not on myself but on others.
It still existed inside me.
Surely, just as she said... in the end I wasn't a "Hero," but a mere human being.
While I had felt glad that they had called upon me to be a "Hero," I also had feelings of unease and constraint.
It wasn't only once or twice that "Wilmarina" had doubted the people who, without understanding the heavy responsibilities of a "Hero," did nothing but press them upon others.
"Is it necessary to hurt the person most precious to you for the sake of such people...? Is it necessary to soil your precious memories? Is there really any value in continuing to stifle your feelings?"
"There... there..."
—...The word "is" would not emerge from within me.
After all, I... really... really was tired.
Tired of myself, who could only be seen as a "Hero," and couldn't conduct herself as anything else.
Tired of the life of always being forced to exercise strong self-control around everyone, with no place to relax.
Now that I was conscious of "Wilmarina," who I had been suppressing, if I were asked whether I wanted to go back to that life... the answer would unquestionably be "no"... and yet... my heart was too heavy to fully affirm it...—
"Have you reached a point where you can neither affirm nor deny it, perhaps...? Well... I suppose so."