At some point Takeru had left. I couldn't remember though. I couldn't remember the moment when the door opened. I couldn't remember his parting words if he had left any. I couldn't remember the sound of the large door closing shut behind me. I couldn't remember anything.
My mind was empty.
There was void where my brain should have been. Dust where thoughts should have traveled. There was an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. It was like someone had replaced my brain with a black hole. There was a key feeling that something was missing. Something had gone missing. Something that I had possess before I stepped into this room, and the same thing which I would leave this room without.
The rain had begun to pick up even more, slamming against the window. It served as background noise, filling an otherwise quiet room. Outside, the wind was causing trees and blades of grass to sway. Lightning could be seen flashing in the distance.
There was another feeling. One that was just as absolute in its existence as the emptiness that now occupied my being.
It was the cold.
The same cold which I had experienced at home. It wasn't just an external chill. It was an internal glacier. Just like the emptiness, the cold threatened to overtake my being. The two feelings did not combat each other, however. Instead, they seemed to synchronize with each other, combining to form an indescribable feeling in my body.
That feeling took up my whole being.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
I looked down. A sound that resembled that of rain slowly dropping from a faucet, or dripping of the roof unto the ground could be heard.
The sound was caused by my own blood, which was dripping slowly unto the ground.
Unconsciously, at some point, I had grabbed my arm once again. Returning to the same method that always managed to stave off the cold, even if only just a bit. However, this time, I was not even given that small respite.
The blood trailing down my arm was just as cold as my entire body. There was no more warmth. I dug deeper, trying to get the feeling of warmth to return. Even if it was only the tiniest amount. To distract myself from the cold which was becoming one with my being. However, no matter how much blood I drew, it never warmed my body. It was cold.
Just like me.
CRASSH!
The sound of a distant thunder cracked the dark skies, as well as my own stupor. I slowly walked forward, ignoring the drops of blood which now covered the floor. Located my blade, which now had streaks of my own dried blood on it. When I picked it up, I couldn't help but notice that it was cold. Just as cold as my body was. In fact, the blade was so in line with the feeling that I got when I touched my arm, that I could mistake it for an extension of my own body. As I leaned down to grab the sheath, I noticed in my peripherals the heart. The pink heart that Suijin had added to the top of my blade personally. The blood which was smeared on it made it looked like a shattered heart. With jagged edges.
The image of a shattered heart drew my attention to the scar, the brand, which was now on the side of my neck. It was the only part of my body that retained any warmth. The only part of my body that still had feeling.
The only part of my body which had felt alive.
Hesitantly, I reached out and touched it. As soon as my fingers made contact with the thing, it became cold. The heat didn't transfer to my hand like I hoped it would. Instead, it was simply snuffed out like a flame. Snuffed out like a cigarette in an ashtray.
Snuffed out like any semblance of rebellion, or determination that I had left to offer.
I sheathed my blade, before turning, and walking out of Takeru's office.
* * * * * *
I slowly drudged my way down the white and gold hallway. The lack of variety, the monotony of the hallway, was all the more noticeable. There were no thoughts in my mind. I just executed the basic commands of putting one foot in front of the other.
Right.
Left.
Right.
Left.
There was nothing else. I ignored the outside world completely. I didn't even consider the fact that my sleeve was covered in blood. That it would be an absolutely horrible idea to walk out into the lobby room looking like this. The wound was still bleeding. Blood still dripping from my arm. I didn't notice it though.
There was no more feeling.
No warmth.
No pain.
No discomfort.
There was just cold.
That, and an empty void which it seemed no sort of action would be able to fill.
I was still walking mindlessly, basking in the emptiness I felt, when suddenly, a small feeling of warmth exploded unto body.
I stopped. Froze. I had nearly had a heart attack.
And then, there was another feeling. This one started from my chin, before tracing a line all the way around my face, going in a full circle before stopping at my shoulder. The path in which the warmth took was seared unto my skin stayed for a moment, before returning to cold.
When I cast my gaze behind me, I saw the familiar blonde hair of my master.
Yuki. She was here. How long she had been following me, I didn't know. The fact that she had managed to sneak up unto me, showed how out of it I really was.
She had her body pressed up against mine from behind, her arms resting on my shoulders. Her touch brought a feeling of warmth to my body. One which I longed for. One I craved for. She brought them down, until they wrapped around my chest. The warmth faded from my soldiers, transferring to my back and stomach. All the places where her body pressed against mine were places where the feeling had returned.
I gasped for a second.
She brought her hand around to lift my left arm up and examine the blood which dripped off of it.
"Oh Raiden..." She spoke breathily. She moved her hands away, and at that moment. My hand reached out to grab her. It had been an unconscious action. A show of desire. Something which i didn't have the right to experience. Just as quickly as I had grabbed her hand, I let go. However, Yuki noticed my intention, and them wrapped her arms around me.
"It's going to be okay Raiden. You're going to be okay." She mirrored the words that Mina gave to Kami. The ones that I had been jealous of. However, this time, the jealousy was gone. That parasite had been replaced with something much worse.
Emptiness.
At that moment, with the cold from my body fighting a battle against the warmth of Yuki's touch, I saw something.
A flame. A flame that represented a dream.
It was burning widely, flaring up and down, fluctuating. I reached out, trying to grab it. And just as my hand came into contact, it was snuffed out. In its place, 10 more flames appeared, even farther away. And they burned even brighter. And I desired them even more.
A goal. One that I could never achieve. Desires that were the cause of my suffering. No matter what, I could never achieve the ideal person that I wanted to be. Someone who was free. I could live thousands of lifetimes, repeat everything. Try and correct every mistake within my being, and I still wouldn't be able to reach the ideal person that I wanted to be. Each goal reached would birth 10 new hurdles. Protecting Kami, breaking away from my own self-hatred, breaking away from all expectations. Those goals were far from impossible.
They were delusion.
Raiden Chisaki could die, 100 million times; be reborn 100 million times.
And he would never, be free.