Inha looks thunderous. Yul, on the other hand, looks as though Inha may as well have hit him.
My mouth opens and closes several times before I manage to form words, which only come out as, "…what?"
Inha quirks his brow again and seems to think about it before he lifts a finger at his temple and indicates to mine.
"Have you looked in a mirror yet? Wondered where you got that scar?"
My hand goes to my face automatically, feeling the raised edge of the scar over my eye. I did wonder, when I first saw it, but in the whirlwind this afternoon has been, that detail about my new body had fallen to the back of my mind.
Yul comes to life, making me jump back in surprise when he puts himself between us. I hear him when he hisses at Inha in a low voice, "We agreed not to tell her about that."
Inha scoffs, rolls his eyes. I can't see Yul's face, but I can hear a note of irritation in his voice.
"You promised her," he reminds Inha.
Inha grits his teeth and shakes his head, clearly annoyed.
"What did you promise me? How did I get this scar? What am I missing?" I implore, feeling like I'm spinning in disjointed circles.
Inha looks at me for a long moment, like he's debating, Yul doesn't look back at me at all, but I can see him stiffen. Finally, Inha seems to decide and gives me a little shake of his head.
"As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. I'm sorry, you may not remember it, but you were the one who asked us not to tell you once your memories were gone. The short of it is, I have my reasons for not wanting him around." Inha juts his chin rudely in Yul's direction.
I'm beginning to get frustrated with my older self. Whatever reason I had for wanting my memories erased, I'm realizing that starting from scratch is going to be difficult to do. I may not remember my past life, but everyone around me does, and whatever I was running from before might be gone from my memories, but Yul and Inha are still very clearly living with the knowledge of it.
I stare between the two men, my mouth opening, and closing like a fish out of water, but before I can find any words to say, the front door of the apartment bursts open and the sound of running feet and loud, excited chatter fills the space.
Five children, ranging in ages, come spilling into the living room where we are. They all stop short when they see me, their eyes going wide. I recognize them from the pictures around the apartment, but seeing them in person is an entirely different experience.
The oldest, a girl who must be the seven-year-old, has long dark hair and a pretty, heart-shaped face. She looks the most like me out of all of them. The second oldest, the six-year-old boy, has a mop of unruly black hair and a mischievous glint in his eye that reminds me of Inha. The middle child, another boy, has Inha's high cheekbones and full lips. The two youngest, a boy and a girl, eye me with similar uncertainty.
They all stare at me for a long moment, and I stare back, taking in every detail of their faces, trying to find pieces of myself in them. It's surreal, looking at these children and knowing that they're mine, that I carried them and birthed them and raised them, even though I have no memory of it.
The oldest girl is the first to break the silence. "Omma?" she says tentatively, her voice soft and unsure.
I swallow hard, my throat suddenly tight with emotion. "Hi," I manage to say, my voice cracking slightly.
The youngest ones, emboldened by their sister's bravery, come running towards me, their little arms outstretched. I crouch down automatically, catching them in a hug as they barrel into me. They smell like sunshine and grass and something sweet, like cookies or candy. I close my eyes, breathing them in, feeling their warmth and weight against me.
The other three children come closer, more cautious than their younger siblings. I look up at them, my arms still full of the two toddlers, and I see a mix of emotions on their faces. Confusion, uncertainty, a little bit of fear. My heart aches for them, because they have to deal with a mother who doesn't remember them. The youngest ones let go of me and the other children notice Yul, and suddenly all the kids have turned their attention to him and left me with Inha.
I turn to Inha, my brow furrowed. "Do you know which ones are yours and which ones are Yul's?" I ask, trying to make sense of the family dynamics.
Inha's jaw tightens, but he nods towards Yul. "It's obvious, isn't it?"
I follow his gaze to where Yul is standing, and my breath catches in my throat. The youngest child, a little girl who can't be more than three, has gone straight to him, her arms reaching up in a silent plea to be held. Yul scoops her up without hesitation, settling her on his hip with an ease that speaks of familiarity and practice.
Now that they're side by side, the resemblance is unmistakable. The little girl has Yul's dark, soulful eyes and his full, pouty lips. She looks up at him with such adoration, such trust, that it makes my heart ache in a way I don't fully understand.
Yul meets my gaze over the top of her head, and for a moment, I see a flicker of something in his eyes. Longing, maybe, or regret. But it's gone as quickly as it appeared, replaced by a careful blankness that I'm starting to recognize as his default expression.
I look back at the other children, trying to see pieces of Inha in them the way I saw Yul in the little girl. The oldest boy has Inha's high cheekbones and sharp jawline, but the rest of his features are softer, more like mine. The middle child, another boy, has Inha's full lips and the same mischievous glint in his eye that I noticed earlier.
I turn back to Inha, my mind spinning with questions. "Is she…is the girl the only one who's Yul's?" I ask hesitantly, not sure if I'm overstepping some invisible boundary.
Inha's face darkens, a flash of something that looks like pain crossing his features before he smooths it away. He takes a deep breath, as if steeling himself, and then nods once, a sharp jerk of his chin.
"Yes," he says, his voice tight. "Seulgi is Yul's only child. The other four are mine."
I look back at Yul, at the way he cradles Seulgi against his chest, his head bent low to murmur something in her ear that makes her giggle. There's a tenderness to his movements, a softness in his eyes that I haven't seen before.
And then I look at Inha, at the barely concealed hurt in his expression, the way his hands clench and unclench at his sides like he's trying to hold himself back from reaching out. I can't even begin to imagine the complexity of their relationship, the history that must exist between the three of us.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, not sure what I'm apologizing for but feeling like I need to say something. "This must be so hard for you, for both of you."
Inha's jaw tightens, but he doesn't say anything. Yul looks up at me, his eyes unreadable, and then he shifts Seulgi in his arms and takes a step back.
I take a deep breath and approach Yul and Seulgi. As I get closer, I hear Seulgi's soft voice asking Yul if he's going to stay for dinner. The hopeful look in her eyes tugs at my heartstrings, and I feel a bit of sympathy for the little girl who clearly adores her father.
Yul's expression is uncomfortable, and I can see him struggling to find a gentle way to let Seulgi down. He opens his mouth, but before he can speak, I step in.
"Of course, Yul is staying for dinner," I say, my voice bright and cheerful. "I insist."
Yul's head snaps up, and he looks at me with surprise. I meet his gaze steadily, trying to plead without words. I don't want him to go either, I want him here so I can find out who I am with him.
"I'm starting over with you too, remember?" I remind him softly. "I want to get to know you better, and what better way than over a family dinner?"
Seulgi's face lights up with a brilliant smile, and she bounces excitedly in Yul's arms. "Yay! Appa's staying for dinner!" she exclaims, her little voice filled with joy.
Yul's expression is still uncertain, but I can see a glimmer of something like gratitude in his eyes. He nods slowly, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"Okay," he says, his voice soft. "I'll stay."
I smile back at him, feeling a warmth spreading through my chest. I may not know who Yul is to me, but I can see how much he means to Seulgi, and I want to do everything I can to support their relationship.
As I turn back to the other children, I catch a glimpse of Inha's face. His expression is carefully neutral, but I can see a flicker of something conflicted in his eyes. My heart clenches, and I wonder once again what happened between the three of us.
But for now, I push those thoughts aside and focus on the present. I have a family to get to know, and a dinner to eat. One step at a time.
* * *
I sit at the dinner table, surrounded by my children and my two husbands. It's a surreal feeling, to be in the midst of family but not really feeling like I belong with them yet. As I watch Yuji and Seungho chatter away, warmth blooms in my chest and helps me relax into conversation.
"And then Coach Kim said I was mastering my pirouette!" Yuji exclaims, her eyes shining with pride. "She said I might even perform in the showcase at the end of the year!"
"That's amazing, Yuji," I say, smiling at her enthusiasm. "You must have been practicing really hard."
Yuji nods vigorously, her ponytail bobbing with the motion. "I have lessons and practice every day after school," she tells me.
Seungho rolls his eyes, but there's a fond smile tugging at his lips. "That's nothing, I'm only a few wekks away from getting my red belt I Tae Kwon Do!" he informs us. "Master Lee says I have one of the best forms she's ever seen."
I listen to them go back and forth, trading stories about their accomplishments and their favorite TV shows. Yuji is obsessed with a new drama that just started airing, while Seungho can't stop talking about the latest Marvel movie.
As I watch them, I can see the easy rapport they have with each other, the way they finish each other's sentences and laugh at inside jokes. It's clear that they're close, it saddens me to think that I don't have the memories of them building that relationship or that brought them to this point.
I can still feel the love I have for them, though, the fierce protectiveness that wells up inside me as I listen to them talk. They're my children, and even without the knowledge of who they were when they were part of me and the years of connection I had with them, I know that I would do anything for them.
Inha and Yul are quieter, watching the kids with small smiles on their faces. I catch Inha's eye across the table, and he gives me a warm look that makes my heart thump wildly in my chest. Yul is more reserved, but I can see the affection in his gaze as he watches Seulgi, who is happily munching on her food.
For a moment, everything feels perfect. I'm surrounded by people who love me, it's recognizable like a cozy blanket draped over all of us. And as I sit there, listening to my children's laughter and feeling the warmth of my husbands' presence, I think it might be worth it to at least try to fit myself in here, if this is what I gain from it.
The children go on in rapid-fire exclamations and interjections, their voices overlapping as they try to get Yul's attention. Yuji is the most insistent, tugging on Yul's sleeve and asking him when he's going to take her to the park again.
"You promised you'd teach me how to skateboard, remember?" she says, her eyes wide and pleading.
Yul looks uncomfortable for a moment, his gaze darting over to Inha before he answers. "I remember, Yuji," he says softly. "I'll take you soon, okay?"
Yuji beams at him, and I can see the genuine affection in Yul's eyes as he looks at her. Seungho chimes in then, asking Yul if he'll come to his Tae Kwon Do practice next weekend.
"I've been practicing my kicks," he says proudly. "I want you to see how good I've gotten."
Yul hesitates again, and I can see the tension in his shoulders as he glances at Inha. But Inha's expression is carefully neutral, and he doesn't say anything as Yul agrees to come to the practice.
Even little Seulgi, who has been quiet for most of the meal, pipes up to ask Yul if he'll read her a bedtime story tonight. Yul's face softens as he looks at her, but he seems to consider his words carefully.
"We'll see, okay?" he says, ruffling her hair. "Worry about finishing your meal first."
As I watch the exchange, I realize that whatever happened between the adults, the children seem to be unaware of it. They treat both Inha and Yul as fathers equally, showering them with affection and demanding their attention in equal measure.
It's unbalancing, to see the easy way the children interact with both men, when I can feel the tension crackling between Inha and Yul. I wonder what could have caused such a rift between them, and how it's possible that the children haven't picked up on it.
But for now, I push those thoughts aside and focus on the warmth of the moment, the laughter, and chatter filling the room as we finish our meal together as a family.
Nearly as soon as he's finished eating, Yul pushes back from the table and clears his throat.
"I should get going," he announces quietly, but all the children hear him and let out simultaneous "Aw's" of protest. Inha doesn't even look up as Yul shushes them and assures them he'll see them again but that he must leave.
I get up quickly, following him into the hall, turn around when I hear little footsteps to see Seulgi has jumped down from her chair and run to follow. I reach out for her when she gets to my side and she slips her tiny hand into mine like it's second nature.
I walk Yul to the door, Seulgi's small hand clasped in mine. As he steps out into the hallway, I feel a sudden urgency to keep him close, to not let him slip away just yet.
"Yul, wait," I call out, my voice echoing in the quiet space. He turns back to me, his expression guarded but not unkind. "I know this must be strange for you, I don't know who you are but you probably know me better than anyone. But I want to get to know you now, to understand what we had before."
Yul's eyes search mine, and for a moment I think he might refuse. But then he nods slowly, shoves his hands into his pockets.
"Sure, right," he says softly. "It's just… complicated, with Inha and everything."
I nod, understanding even if I don't fully comprehend the situation. "I know. But I still want to try. Can we meet up sometime soon? Just the two of us?"
Yul hesitates, his gaze flickering down to Seulgi, who is watching him with wide, hopeful eyes. "Please, Appa?" she asks, her voice small and pleading. "I want to see you more too."
Something in Yul's expression softens, and he crouches down to Seulgi's level, taking her small face in his hands and kisses the tip of her nose without answering her question.
When he stands back up, he meets my gaze again, and he bobs his head once. "Whenever you feel like, I guess," he says. "I'm usually home."
I feel a deep ache in my chest as I watch Yul give Seulgi a brief squeeze and then stand. Seulgi stares up at him, her eyes bright with adoration for her father.
The sorrow returns to his eyes as he meets my gaze. "I really should go," he says softly, his voice heavy with regret.
Seulgi's face falls, and she clings to Yul's leg, her little fingers digging into the fabric of his jeans. "No, Appa, please don't go," she pleads, her voice trembling with the threat of tears. "I want you to stay with me."
Yul's expression crumples, and he looks down at Seulgi with such pain in his eyes that it makes my heart clench. He kneels down again, gathering Seulgi into his arms and holding her close.
"I know, baby," he murmurs into her hair. "I want to stay with you too. But I can't right now, okay? I promise I'll come see you again soon."
Seulgi sniffles, burying her face in Yul's shoulder. "Promise?" she asks, her voice muffled.
"I promise," Yul says firmly, pulling back to look her in the eye. "I love you so much, my little princess. Don't ever forget that."
Seulgi nods, her lower lip trembling as she tries to be brave. Yul hugs her one more time before standing up, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
I reach out instinctively, my hand resting on his arm. "Yul," I say softly, my voice thick with emotion. I don't have the words to say what I'm feeling.
He looks at me, and for a moment, I see a flicker of the pain and longing that I feel reflected in his eyes. But then he blinks, and it's gone, replaced by a carefully neutral expression.
"It's okay," he says, though I can tell it's not. "I'll see you soon, Yena."
And with that, he turns and walks away, his shoulders hunched as if he's carrying the weight of the world on them. I watch him go, Seulgi's hand still clutched in mine, and I feel a profound sense of loss, as if a piece of my heart is walking away with him.
I close the door softly behind Yul, my heart heavy as I turn back to face the empty hallway. Seulgi is still clinging to my hand, her little face turned up to mine with a look of confusion and sadness.
"Omma, why did Appa have to leave?" she asks, her voice small and plaintive.
I swallow hard, trying to find the right words to comfort her.
"Appa lives somewhere else right now, sweetheart, he has to go back there so we can all go to bed," I say softly, brushing a strand of hair back from her face. "But I promise we'll see him again soon, okay?"
Seulgi nods, though I can tell she's not entirely convinced. I scoop her up into my arms, holding her close as I carry her back into the apartment.
Inha is still sitting at the table, his expression unreadable as he watches us enter. The other children have already scattered, off to play or do homework, leaving just the three of us in the sudden stillness of the room.
I set Seulgi down gently, giving her a little nudge towards the hallway. "Why don't you go play with your siblings for a bit, okay? I need to talk to Appa for a minute."
Seulgi hesitates, glancing between me and Inha with a worried frown. But then she nods, scampering off down the hallway with a final backward glance.
I wait until she's out of earshot before turning to face Inha, my arms crossed over my chest. "That was kind of rough," I say, shuffling uncomfortably beside the table.
Inha sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Yena, I know this is a lot to unload on you in one night," he starts, but I cut him off with a shake of my head.
"It's fine," I say, though my voice sounds a little scratchy from nearly tearing up watching Seulgi and Yul. "How did everything get so messed up here?"
Inha cringes and he looks away, his jaw clenching. "It's complicated," he says finally, his voice low and rough.
"I thought the point of restarting was to make it something new."
Inha blows out another rough breath, "A tall order, I'm afraid. I'll do my best, but I made promises to you when you were the wife that remembered. I don't know how I feel about breaking those promises with the wife you are now."
I take a deep breath, steeling myself for the difficult road ahead.