After surviving the weirdness of the Lustful Lantern and narrowly escaping the clutches of Yzara, the succubus queen, I thought things might settle down a bit. But, no. Lavatoria had other plans, plans that apparently involved flying sheep that rained down glitter bombs on an unsuspecting village.
We had barely stepped into the quaint little town nestled in the valley when we were immediately met by chaos. Villagers were running in every direction, covered in what looked like shimmering, glittery dust. Roofs, streets, and even the trees sparkled as though they had been dunked in a vat of glitter. The whole scene would've been beautiful if not for the terrified screams and the sight of sheep floating above the village, powered by fluffy white clouds.
"What the hell is happening?" I muttered, rolling forward cautiously. "Is this... is this some kind of joke?"
"I wish it was," Ursha grunted, her eyes narrowing as she scanned the skies. "But those sheep are real, and they're dropping something."
Before I could process that, a sheep flew overhead and, with a lazy bleat, released a glitter bomb from its rear. The sparkling projectile landed with a loud splort in the middle of the street, where it promptly exploded into a shower of glitter, covering everything and everyone in a wide radius.
"You've got to be kidding me," I groaned, watching as villagers frantically tried to wipe the glitter off their faces and hair.
"It's... kind of pretty," Nixie noted, her lips curling into a smirk. "If it weren't also terrifying."
We moved further into the village, where the glitter-covered villagers gathered around us, pleading for help.
"Please, make it stop!" one man cried, his face completely covered in glitter. "We've been under siege by those flying sheep for days! Every time they poop, it's a glitter bomb! We can't take it anymore!"
"And if that wasn't bad enough," an elderly woman added, "there's the Cult of Yodeling Fat Men. They worship the sheep! Every time one of those glitter bombs drops, they start yodeling and... and rubbing themselves!"
Ursha's face twisted in disgust. "Rubbing themselves? How?"
The woman shuddered. "They rub their bellies and... their nipples. It's horrible! Please, you have to stop them!"
I stared at the woman, then back at the glitter-filled sky. "Flying sheep that poop glitter bombs, and a cult of nipple-rubbing men who worship them. What kind of twisted world is this?"
Nixie snorted. "Welcome to Lavatoria, Jake."
As we continued through the village, we finally heard it, yodeling. It started as a distant sound, soft and melodic, but as we approached, it grew louder, more energetic, and... unsettling.
We rounded a corner and found ourselves face-to-face with the Cult of Yodeling Fat Men.
They were a sight to behold: a group of large, round men, all shirtless, their bellies hanging out for the world to see. Their skin gleamed with sweat, and their faces were locked in expressions of religious ecstasy. They stood in a circle, gazing up at the flying sheep with reverence, and every time a sheep dropped a glitter bomb, they erupted into joyous yodels, rubbing their bellies and nipples with gleeful abandon.
"Oh, gods," I muttered, unable to tear my eyes away from the spectacle. "I wish I could unsee this."
One of the cultists spotted us and, with a wide grin, waddled over, still yodeling under his breath. "Ah, newcomers! Have you come to witness the blessed poop of the flying sheep?"
I recoiled, doing my best to roll backward. "Uh, no. No, we have not."
The man's eyes sparkled with glitter as he nodded sagely. "You will, soon enough. The sheep's glittery blessings are a gift from the heavens! We yodel to show our devotion, and the more we yodel, the more blessed we become!" He gave his belly a proud slap. "Would you like to join us?"
"Absolutely not," Ursha growled, stepping between me and the yodeling man. "We're here to stop this insanity, not join it."
The cultist's grin faltered, but before he could say anything, the sound of flapping wings drew our attention back to the sky.
"Watch! A blessing approaches!" the cultist cried, pointing up to a sheep flying directly overhead.
With a soft bleat, the sheep dropped another glitter bomb, and the cultists erupted into their loudest yodels yet. Glitter rained down from the sky, and as the bomb exploded, the cultists began rubbing their bellies and nipples with renewed enthusiasm, yodeling at the top of their lungs.
"I can't handle this," I groaned, already feeling glitter coating my porcelain. "This is too much."
"We need to figure out how to stop the sheep," Nixie said, ignoring the disturbing sight in front of us. "They seem to be following some kind of pattern."
Just as we were about to formulate a plan, something even worse happened.
Yzara, the succubus queen, appeared in a flash of dark energy, her familiar seductive smile already plastered across her face. But this time, she wasn't wearing her usual kimono. No, she had stepped up her game. She was dressed in a sexy silk lingerie set, a black lace bra that barely contained her ample chest, matching lace panties, and silky black stockings that clung to her long, toned legs. Her eyes gleamed with even more desperation, and I could already tell she was here for one reason only: to seduce me.
"Jake, darling," she purred, sauntering toward me with swaying hips, her stockings brushing against her thighs. "You've been running from me for too long. You know it's inevitable."
"Oh no, not now!" I groaned, trying to roll backward, but the sight of Yzara in such skimpy, seductive attire was already getting to me. I could feel the heat rising inside me, and my porcelain penis began to stir once again.
"You can't resist me," Yzara whispered, running her hands down her body, emphasizing every curve. "Just let go, Jake. Let me give you what you need."
She leaned in close, her fingers tracing my porcelain lid as her lips brushed against me. "I'll make you feel things you've never imagined."
Despite every warning bell going off in my head, I could feel myself losing control. Her seductive power was overwhelming, and the sight of her in that lingerie only made things worse. My porcelain penis extended fully, glowing with magical energy as Yzara smiled triumphantly.
"That's it," she whispered, straddling me, her silk-covered thighs pressing against my porcelain. "Just let it happen."
Just when I thought it was all over, when I was about to give in to her overwhelming seduction, fate intervened.
A flying sheep zoomed overhead, and before I could react, it dropped a glitter bomb directly on Yzara's head.
The glitter bomb landed with a dramatic splat, right on top of Yzara's head. A cloud of shimmering glitter exploded in all directions, coating her from head to toe in sparkling dust. Her once sultry and seductive demeanor crumbled as she sputtered, coughing and choking on the glitter she had accidentally inhaled.
"W-What is this?! What have you done?!" Yzara shrieked, trying to brush the glitter out of her hair, but it was too late. The sparkly substance clung to her like a second skin, making her look like a bedraggled, glitter-covered statue rather than a seductive succubus queen.
Ursha, Nixie, and I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Even as glitter rained down on us, the sight of the once-imposing Yzara reduced to a coughing, glitter-covered mess was too much.
"Oh, this is priceless!" Nixie giggled, clutching her sides. "She looks like a bedazzled Christmas ornament!"
Yzara shot us a furious glare, still trying to shake the glitter off her body. "You... you'll pay for this! I'll make you regret, " She cut off with another fit of coughing as more glitter filled her mouth.
I, meanwhile, was doing my best to retract my porcelain penis before things could get any more awkward. The combination of Yzara's ridiculous state and the glittery chaos made it easier to resist her seductive magic, but my body was still buzzing from the intensity of it all.
"I don't think she's going to be a problem anymore," Ursha said, her arms crossed as she smirked at the glitter-covered succubus.
Yzara, realizing her seduction attempt had failed spectacularly, threw one last glare our way before disappearing in a puff of smoke, though even her exit was ruined by a glittery sneeze that echoed in the air long after she was gone.
"Well, that takes care of her," I muttered, rolling forward to shake off the last of the glitter bomb's effects.
"For now," Ursha added, still keeping an eye out for any more of Yzara's tricks. "She'll be back, but next time, maybe she'll bring a towel."
With Yzara out of the picture, at least for the moment, our attention returned to the Cult of Yodeling Fat Men, who were still gathered in a circle, performing their unsettling ritual. As another glitter bomb fell from the sky, the cultists erupted into a new round of joyous yodeling.
And this time, they sang.
It was a bizarre, chaotic song, accompanied by belly slapping, nipple rubbing, and disturbingly enthusiastic yodeling. The words of their song were as ridiculous as they were unsettling, and I couldn't help but listen in horrified fascination.
(Yodeled to the tune of a nonsensical melody)
"Oh, the sheep of the skies, they bless us so wise,
With poops from above, glittered surprise,
We rub and we slap, with joy we do yap,
As the sparkle rains down with a glorious flap!"
"Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo! Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo!
Blessed are the sheep who rain from the blue,
With glittery poop bombs, a gift tried and true!"
"We slap our bellies, we rub our chests,
In their poop we find our rest,
A yodel here, a yodel there,
With glitter we sparkle beyond compare!"
"Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo! Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo!
Rub and slap, let the yodeling ensue,
For the sheep's glitter poop is a blessing anew!"
As the final yodel echoed through the village, the cultists began to dance in a clumsy circle, their bellies jiggling and their hands still rubbing their nipples in what they clearly believed was an act of divine reverence.
"I'm going to be sick," I muttered, staring in disbelief at the spectacle before me. "This can't be real."
Nixie was practically doubled over in laughter. "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I can't believe they're serious."
Ursha, however, wasn't laughing. "We need to shut them down. They're protecting the sheep, and the sheep are causing all this chaos." She pointed toward the flock of flying sheep overhead, which were still lazily dropping glitter bombs on the village. "We'll never stop them as long as these lunatics are worshipping their poop."
"Great," I groaned. "So now we have to deal with a bunch of yodeling, glitter-covered fat men who think flying sheep poop is a blessing. What's the plan?"
We huddled together, trying to come up with a way to take down the sheep while avoiding any more glittery chaos. Nixie suggested using bait, specifically, the plants she noticed that the sheep seemed to graze on.
"They love those bright purple plants," she explained, pointing to a patch of the flowers growing near the village outskirts. "If we can gather enough of them, we might be able to lure the sheep down and trap them."
Ursha nodded, already formulating a plan. "We'll need to move fast. The cultists won't let us get near the sheep if they realize what we're doing."
"Leave that to me," I said, trying to regain some sense of dignity after the whole Yzara incident. "I'll distract them while you gather the plants."
Nixie grinned. "Sounds good. Let's see how well these yodelers handle a talking toilet."
With the plan in place, we split up, Nixie and Ursha sneaking off to gather the purple plants while I prepared to distract the cult of yodeling fat men.
I rolled forward, doing my best to ignore the glitter still clinging to me as I approached the yodelers. They were still in the middle of their bizarre ritual, but the moment they saw me, they paused, their eyes lighting up with curiosity.
"Ah, a visitor!" the leader of the cult, a particularly round man with a belly that jiggled as he spoke, greeted me with open arms. "Have you come to witness the blessed poop of the sheep?"
"Uh, no," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "I've come to talk to you about... your yodeling. It's... very impressive."
The cultists' eyes widened with pride, and they immediately began yodeling louder, rubbing their bellies and nipples with even more enthusiasm. "Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo!" they chanted, slapping their bellies in time with the rhythm. "The sheep have blessed us, and we must share their glory with all who come!"
I forced a smile, trying to keep them distracted. "Right, of course. But, uh, have you ever thought about... expanding your rituals? Maybe something less... glittery?"
The cult leader blinked at me, clearly confused. "Less glittery? But the sheep's poop is a divine gift! We must honor it with yodels and... belly rubs."
"Of course you do," I muttered under my breath. "Why did I even ask?"
As I kept the yodelers busy with increasingly absurd conversation, I glanced over my shoulder and saw Nixie and Ursha working quickly to gather the purple plants. We were close, so close to finally ending this glittery nightmare.
But of course, things couldn't go smoothly.
Another sheep flew overhead, and just as I was about to move out of the way, a glitter bomb dropped, right on top of me.
The glitter bomb dropped directly onto me with an audible splort. A cloud of shimmering dust exploded in all directions, coating my porcelain body in a thick layer of sparkling glitter. I groaned, already knowing that I would never live this down.
"Great," I muttered, feeling the glitter seep into every crevice. "I'm a walking, talking glitter factory now."
The Cult of Yodeling Fat Men erupted into another round of joyous yodeling, their voices ringing through the village as they witnessed the glitter bomb's "divine blessing."
"Look! The blessed toilet has been chosen!" one of the cultists cried, his eyes wide with awe. "The sheep have favored him!"
"Oh no," I muttered under my breath, realizing what this meant.
The cultists surrounded me, their hands reaching out as they rubbed their bellies and nipples with renewed enthusiasm. "Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo! Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo!" they chanted, their voices rising in volume as they danced around me.
"This is a nightmare," I groaned, trying to roll away from the glitter-covered chaos.
Luckily, Ursha and Nixie had been working quickly while I kept the cult distracted. They had gathered a large bundle of the purple plants that the sheep seemed to love, and Ursha was already preparing to put the plan into action.
Nixie darted toward the center of the village square, waving the bundle of purple plants in the air. "Hey, sheep! Come and get it!" she shouted.
The flying sheep, who had been lazily circling the skies and dropping glitter bombs, immediately perked up at the sight of the plants. With a series of eager bleats, they began to descend, their cloud-powered bodies floating down toward the village.
"It's working!" Nixie called, waving the plants more enthusiastically. "Get ready!"
As the sheep descended, Ursha hefted her massive axe, ready to strike. The cultists, however, had other plans. The moment they realized the sheep were coming down, they rushed forward, still yodeling, trying to protect their "blessed flock."
"You can't harm the sacred sheep!" the cult leader shouted, throwing himself in front of Ursha. "They are our divine, "
WHAM!
Ursha didn't even break stride as she knocked the cult leader aside with a single swing of her arm, sending him flying into a nearby pile of hay.
"Not today, pal," she growled, her focus entirely on the sheep.
With the cultists temporarily out of the way, Ursha leapt into action, her axe gleaming in the sunlight as she swung it toward the nearest flying sheep. The sheep let out a startled bleat and tried to dodge, but Ursha was faster. With a single powerful swing, she knocked the sheep out of the air, sending it crashing to the ground in a cloud of dust and glitter.
"That's one down," Ursha muttered, already eyeing the next target.
Meanwhile, Nixie was using her agility to lure the remaining sheep closer to the ground, darting back and forth with the purple plants as bait. The sheep, driven by their love for the plants, followed her eagerly, unaware that they were walking right into a trap.
"Come on, you glittery nuisances," Nixie muttered under her breath, waving the plants like a matador teasing a bull. "Let's finish this."
One by one, the sheep descended, and Ursha made quick work of them, her axe cutting through the air with deadly precision. Each sheep that fell let out a bleat of protest, but soon enough, the skies were clear, and the glitter bombs had stopped falling.
"That's all of them," Ursha said, wiping sweat from her brow as she surveyed the glitter-covered village.
Just as we thought it was over, the Cult of Yodeling Fat Men recovered from their earlier distraction. Realizing that their "blessed flock" had been taken down, they erupted into a frenzied yodeling fit, their voices reaching an almost deafening pitch.
"You've defiled the sacred sheep!" the cult leader screamed, his face red with fury as he stood atop a pile of glitter-covered debris. "You'll pay for this!"
The cultists, still rubbing their bellies and nipples, began to advance on us, their eyes wild with devotion. They weren't going to let us leave without a fight.
"Oh, for crying out loud," I muttered, rolling forward to meet the oncoming cultists. "I've had enough of this."
With a surge of determination, I activated my flushing powers. Magical water swirled inside me, and before the cultists could react, I unleashed a powerful glittery flush in their direction.
The cultists were hit with a wave of sparkling water, their yodels quickly turning into confused sputters as the glittery water doused them. They stumbled back, blinded by the shimmering liquid, slipping and sliding in the mess I had created.
"Yodel-ay-no-thanks!" one of the cultists shouted as he slipped in the glittery puddle, his voice finally faltering.
The glittery flush had completely overwhelmed them. The cultists, defeated by their own obsession with glitter, began to retreat, their yodeling turning into soft whimpers as they scrambled to get away from the mess.
With the flying sheep taken down and the cult of yodeling fat men retreating in defeat, the village was finally free from the glittery chaos. The villagers, still covered in glitter, cheered as they emerged from their homes, grateful to be rid of the sheep and the bizarre cult that had plagued them.
"Thank you, thank you!" one of the villagers said, clasping my tank in gratitude. "You've saved us from the glittery nightmare!"
I sighed, shaking off the last of the glitter that clung to me. "Yeah, just doing my job... I guess."
Ursha, still grinning from the fight, clapped me on the back, well, as much as one can clap a toilet on the back. "Not bad, Jake. You're getting the hang of this hero thing."
Nixie smirked, tossing the bundle of purple plants aside. "I have to admit, that glittery flush was a nice touch."
"Thanks," I muttered, rolling forward. "But I'd like to go at least one day without getting covered in poop, or glitter. Can we make that happen?"
Ursha laughed. "Not in Lavatoria, Jake. Not in Lavatoria."
Just as we were preparing to leave the village, a familiar voice cut through the air.
"This isn't over, Jake!"
Yzara appeared once again, though she was still covered in glitter from the earlier bomb. Her once-sexy silk lingerie was now a glittery mess, and her face was twisted in fury and humiliation.
"You've humiliated me for the last time!" she screeched, shaking glitter out of her hair. "I'll be back, and next time, "
Before she could finish her threat, another flying sheep (one we had missed) zoomed overhead and dropped a final glitter bomb directly onto Yzara's head.
The explosion of glitter silenced her instantly, and as she stood there, coughing and choking on the shimmering dust once again, she glared at us with pure hatred.
"I hate this place," Yzara muttered before disappearing in a puff of smoke, once again defeated by the ridiculousness of Lavatoria.
As we left the glitter-covered village behind, I couldn't help but shake my head at the absurdity of it all.
"This place is insane," I muttered, rolling along the path as Ursha and Nixie walked beside me. "Flying sheep, glitter bombs, nipple-rubbing yodelers... What's next? A parade of dancing toilets?"
Ursha chuckled. "Wouldn't surprise me."
Nixie grinned. "Hey, at least we're not bored, right?"
I sighed, already dreading whatever bizarre adventure Lavatoria had in store for us next.