The sound of shuffling chairs and murmurs filled the classroom as Mr. Regan finished taking attendance for form. The usual routine: people sitting in their cliques, whispers scattered here and there, a dull hum that had become the background music of school life. But today, something was different. I could feel it in my chest, this weird, heavy sensation every time I glanced in Jess's direction.
I didn't get it. I mean, Jess is Jess. She's kind, always smiling, and somehow always full of energy. But that wasn't new. So why did it feel like my brain buzzed just at the thought of her? Was I sick? Maybe. Or maybe I hadn't slept enough. I couldn't explain it, but I knew something had shifted.
"Hey, Miles," Jess said, pulling her chair close to me. "You finished your homework for History yet?"
The sound of her voice made my heart skip a beat. I felt like my heart was dancing in my chest, completely out of rhythm. I looked at her, and for some reason, my tongue felt like it had disappeared. I had done my homework, of course. But when I opened my mouth to answer, all I could muster was a weak "Yeah."
She smiled, flipping through her folder, oblivious to the panic coursing through my veins. "Cool, I'm stuck, that question about the Battle of Hastings. Mrs Cook made it sound so complicated!"
"Yeah, uh… complicated," I echoed dumbly, trying hard to focus on what she was saying. But I couldn't. My mind was a mess, flashing images of the two of us — holding hands, maybe? Or I think we're laughing while looking at the sky. My cheeks burned at the thought, and I quickly shook my head to snap out of it; this was getting ridiculous.
Jess leaned in closer to show me her worksheet, and suddenly, I could smell her shampoo. Something floral, like lavender or something, I wasn't sure. It was nice. Too nice. My brain short-circuited, and all I could think was, Does she notice how fast my heart is beating? I quickly glanced away, pretending to read the worksheet but not seeing anything.
"You alright, Miles?" she asked, her voice laced with concern. "You look kind of red."
I froze. Jess noticed. Oh no, she noticed! My hands shot to my face, feeling the warmth of my cheeks. Great, just great. I must've looked like a tomato. "I'm fine! It's warm in here, right?" I stammered, trying to play it off. But Jess raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced.
"Are you sure? You look like you're about to faint. Did you eat something weird?" she said, leaning back a little to give me space.
"I'm fine, really," I insisted, though my voice cracked, betraying me. I forced a laugh. "I, uh, probably didn't drink enough water this morning."
Jess smiled again, and I swear it made the situation ten times worse.
"Well, make sure you stay hydrated then! Don't pass out in history or something. That'd be embarrassing." She laughed lightly, not realizing the storm she'd unleashed in my mind.
Hydrate? Right. I should probably do that. Good advice. Solid advice. My thoughts were jumbled and messy as I nodded like a robot, trying to keep cool. But the truth was, I had no idea what I was doing.
The bell rang, signalling the end of form time. Everyone began packing their stuff, and Jess stood up, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "I'll see you in History, Miles," she said, giving me a quick wave before walking off with her usual confidence in stride.
"Yeah, see you," I mumbled, more to myself than to her.
As soon as she was gone, I let out a breath. What was wrong with me? This wasn't normal. I'd never felt this way before, it was driving me crazy. My thoughts were all over the place, and I had no idea how to deal with it. I needed to talk to someone, but who?
I slung my bag over my shoulder, making my way out of the classroom, lost in my thoughts. I didn't realize Kyle was waiting for me outside until he bumped my shoulder.
"Oi, Miles! You alive, mate?" Kyle smirked, giving me a shove. "You looked like you were in a different universe in there."
I forced a grin. "Yeah, just... thinking."
"About what? Life? The meaning of the universe?" Kyle teased.
I shook my head, still trying to process everything. "Nah, nothing like that. Just... stuff."
Kyle raised an eyebrow but didn't press further, and I was thankful for that. I wasn't ready to talk about it, mostly because I didn't even understand what was happening to me.
Later in the day, it was lunchtime. I decided to go to the library. Jess was there, sitting at one of the tables, her head buried in a book.
My heart started doing that weird thing again when I saw her, and I quickly tried to look busy. Grabbing a random book from the nearest shelf, I pretended to skim through it, though none of the words made sense. I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, trying to be discreet. She was sitting there, flipping through the pages with that calm expression.
I tried to imagine what it would be like to sit next to her. Maybe we'd talk about books or something random like we did in form. She might ask me about history again. What if she asked me about something personal? What if she—
"Hey, Miles," Jess's voice cut through my thoughts. She was suddenly in front of me, and I nearly dropped the book I was pretending to read.
"H-hey," I stammered, my pulse quickening. How did she always catch me off guard like this?
Jess glanced at the book in my hands and smiled. "You like Shakespeare?"
"Shakespeare?" I repeated, glancing down at the book in my hands. It was a collection of Shakespeare's plays.
I hadn't even realized what I'd grabbed. "Oh... yeah. Sure, I guess."
Jess tilted her head, her curiosity piqued. "Really? What's your favorite play?"
I was trapped. I couldn't even name one right now. My brain had shut down the second she walked over. "Uh... probably... um..." I scrambled for an answer, any answer. "Romeo and Juliet?"
Jess grinned. "Oh, classic. That's the one everyone knows." She pulled out a chair and sat down next to me. "It's cool, though. I like Hamlet better. It's a bit more... deep, I guess."
I nodded like I knew what she was talking about. "Yeah... deep."
We sat in silence for a moment, and I could feel my palms starting to sweat.
She was sitting right next to me, talking about Shakespeare, and all I could think about was how close we were. What do I say? What do I do? Should I ask her something? My mind raced, trying to come up with something clever, maybe something that would impress her.
"So, what do you think of History class so far?" she asked, breaking the silence.
History. Right. Safe topic. I could handle that. "It's... alright, I guess," I said, relieved that the conversation had shifted to something more familiar. "Mrs Cook is kind of boring, though."
Jess chuckled. "Yeah, she can be. But I like the subject. I mean, learning about the past is pretty important, don't you think?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I guess. It's just... sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter, you know? Like, why do we need to know what happened a thousand years ago?"
Jess smiled thoughtfully. "Maybe because it helps us understand who we are now. You know, everything that's happened in history has led us to this point. It's kind of cool when you think about it."
I stared at her, still trying to wrap my head around everything she said, and that strange feeling still fluttered in my chest. Before I could respond, she shifted the conversation in a way I hadn't expected.
"By the way, Miles... what happened in English the other day?" she asked, her tone softening. "With Elizabeth and... the others. That was pretty harsh."
The mention of that moment felt like a punch to the stomach. I had almost forgotten about it—no, scratch that, I hadn't forgotten. I had buried it deep, pretending it didn't affect me. But hearing Jess bring it up made it feel real again. I hesitated, my fingers nervously fidgeting with the edge of the book in my hand.
"Ah... it's no big deal," I said, forcing a grin. "You know how people are, just messing around. It's all just a joke, right?"
Jess was quiet for a moment. Her gaze lingered on me, and I could feel her eyes searching for something deep beneath the mask I was trying to wear. I tried to keep up the act, making my voice light and casual. As if what she was talking about didn't matter to me.
"Yeah, but... it didn't seem like a joke, Miles," Jess said quietly. "I saw the way they were talking to you. It felt... personal."
I swallowed hard, feeling my smile falter for a second. Why was she asking about this? Can't she leave it alone? "Nah, it's nothing personal. I don't care what they say, you know? It's all just... whatever."
My words felt hollow, and I knew Jess could see right through them. I was trying so hard to appear unbothered, to seem like none of it had gotten under my skin. But her eyes, those blue eyes of hers, stayed locked on me like she wasn't buying a word of what I was saying.
"Miles... it's okay to feel upset about it," she said softly. "You don't have to act like it didn't hurt."
Her words hit me harder than I wanted them to. I opened my mouth to brush it off again, to tell her I was fine, but the truth was, I didn't know how to answer. She was seeing through the wall I had built, it scared me.
The silence between us stretched for a few seconds, and I avoided her gaze, staring at the book in my hands as if it were so interesting.
"I mean, it's just school, right?" I finally said, my voice sounding more defensive than I wanted. "People talk. They say stuff. You just gotta let it slide off."
Jess nodded slowly but didn't look convinced. "You don't have to do that, you know? Pretend you're fine all the time. It's okay if you're not."
Her voice was so gentle, and for a moment, I felt like the weight on my chest was starting to lift. But it didn't completely go away. Instead, I felt exposed, like she was seeing too much. I'm not used to it. I wasn't sure I wanted her—or anyone—to see how much it had hurt.
"I am fine, though," I said, trying to bring back that casual tone, forcing another smile. "Seriously, I'm good."
Jess sighed, and the concern in her eyes deepened. It was like she didn't know how to respond. Then, without saying another word, she reached out and placed her hand gently on my arm.
The warmth of her touch startled me. I felt frozen in place. I looked down at her hand and then back up at her face. She was not smiling this time, but there was something in her expression—something calm, reassuring like she was trying to tell me I didn't have to pretend anymore.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she said softly, "but I just want you to know... I'm here. If you ever need to talk."
I felt my throat tighten, the lump I'd been holding down all day threatening to rise again. But instead of letting it out, I nodded, my smile returning—but weaker this time. "Thanks, Jess," I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper. "I appreciate that."
She gave me a small smile, that made me feel like everything might be okay, even if just for a moment. Then she stood up, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Well, I should probably go before the bell rings. I'll see you later?"
"Yeah... see you," I replied, my voice still soft, watching as she walked away.
As soon as Jess left, I stayed seated, my mind blank, unable to process what had just happened. The library felt distant—the hum of voices and flickering lights fading into the background. The scent of old books and paper lingered, but it couldn't lift the heavy stillness around me.
My fingers brushed the table surface. I felt like I was not there, lost in the quiet ticking of the clock. Everything felt dull. I sat, staring, my thoughts empty like the world around me had dimmed, leaving only silence and the moment's weight.