It was a hard year, fighting many silent battles, losses of family members and friends. But you know I'm still here existing. I learned this year that sometimes unplanned moments that can be painful or either good moments would change your life in a matter of minutes. Those moments will change you too, but I also figured that you can choose if you want them to change you into a stronger person or weaker. I know myself very well when I go through shit things I sometimes lose control of myself, then I start changing myself to be someone that I'm not, thinking that I can protect myself if I was more mean or bad person so no harm will affect me. When I'm sad I feel like I'm in huge chaos, I'm like angry waves on a big ocean, but still, I'm a human and it's okay to feel sad and angry. But I was always afraid to show people my weaknesses, I feel ashamed. But there's a moment that got me falling to my knees in aĀ busy hospital with many screams around me.Ā
I was weak many times, I cried in my friend's arms which is not me at all. But yeah this year changed me and got me to be so weak. Depression hit me hard. I questioned myself if it was just me that this year brought much misery to my life like it was fucking overwhelming... and everything that happened just shaped a new personality for me, I just turned into a different person...they say It's about the dark we conquer so we can be the strongest, I got it after all how life works and how people are not always showing us their best. This life just demands you to play both roles of a savage person and sweetheart, so you can leave your touches in everything, so you can be the bad-ass sometimes but other times you can be the kind and sweet. Yes, I'm not good at getting in the roles of the play that the universe is playing over and over. I prefer just to be the side player watching from afar view, not the main character, where all the attention.Ā
Maybe my new personality is not going well with others expectations from me, and I recognized this in my friends, yes they don't like how I talk or I act, and they expect me to be the same as before, sorry for disappointing you but I can't keep living up my life to others expectations. Then that fake friend told me once "just split the ends that's what you need to be as before" but sorry 'before' is not working with me now! I wake up to days where I feel that everything is good and my heart just settled down and everything feels beautiful and hopeful. But sometimes I wake up to days where I feel that I'm walking backward, where I feel the pain and where memories surprise me and get me crying all day. Yes, I want to be different and to feel peace within myself, but the process is not easy, the angry waves need time to settle on the beach peacefully, I need a lot of time to name all the chaos inside me.Ā
SORRY, but dear all, family and friends, HEALING IS NOT A STRAIGHT LINE.