Special mass release for the novel's launch, 08/20.
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MIA
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"I have yes," he glared at me. "What's your problem with me? Seriously. Why aren't you a bit more like Emma? She's has the best heart of you all."
I saw red, my breath burning on my throat, my heart breaking again, "Is that so? How? Tell me, because I don't understand. Tell me about that amazing and pretty heart of hers."
Fuck, I can't even hide my jealousy.
Misha scowled at me, with disgust, "She was the only one who helped me when I was at my lowest. Even though she kept her distance and never pressed me, she was there when none of you were, not even papa. Emma gave me hope and showed me that I was not alone. For as long as my grief lasted, she was there, giving me her heart with written words, in a way none of you would ever be able to. I've loved her since."
His words made me freeze.
Turn ashen fucking pale.
My letters.
My fucking letters.
He believes Emma wrote my letters.
"You are right," I whispered, hands shaking. "A cold heartless person like me would never understand that. I would never be able to bleed my heart on words just to selflessly help someone in need, because I don't have a heart to begin with, right?" Every word bleed from my heart. "You are so smart, Grigori Mikhail, so clever, so amazing. Really, it baffles me how amazing you are."
"Don't come at me with your bitter sarcasm, Zoe," he hissed.
And the resentment in his words teared my heart apart even further.
"Sure. You are right. Emma is amazing, isn't she? The best. So honest with everyone. So truthful, she never lies about anything, she's herself without fear, right? Yeah, her heart is the most beautiful. You are right, she's totally better than me."
He scoffed incredulously, "You can't be jealous of your sister."
"Who says I can't?" I hissed more bitterly than I intended. "You are right, Grigori Mikhail, I hate you. I can't stand you. I can't even breath in the same place you without wanting to reap you to pieces. Now that you heard what you wanted to hear, leave me alone. Don't you love my sister for selflessly writing you those letters? Then keep loving her. Date. Marry. Have little blonde kids. Piss off of my fucking life!"
Taking my things from the seat, I gave him the middle finger and ran into the secret passage again, my headphones back, Cake by Melanie Martinez playing.
۞ ۞ ۞
The day that followed my heart-wrenching encounter with Misha on the ice rink, I avoided him, Emma, and Rosalia with every part of my soul, avoiding to even look at them. To everyone, they were really dating. Emma and Misha, they even sat down together and we're disgustingly touchy with one another, and even shared some quick kisses that made me want to puke, to kill myself. And Rosalia was acting all cool about, when I know she fucking isn't.
And I only stayed there because Leo begged me, and as a good friend, I swallowed all of my pain, acted as if I was unbreakable, and stayed there with him and Luigi as they came out to our entire famiglias, and Luigi's. Though Luigi's were beyond happy, since it would mean he could potentially marry into Santorini.
I was simply there as a helping hand to confirm that they have been dating for years, and I've been helping them hide it from everyone. Helping them and also letting everyone think I was entangled with them, just so no one would suspect it before they were ready to tell anyone. Needless to say that it all shocked everyone and made gasp in dismay as they stared at the three of us.
Even Emma and Misha, though I refused to focus on their reactions as it all hurt to fucking much. Unable to hide how bad I was fucking feeling, when they pressed me, I just said what would shut them up.
"I'm just tired of faking that I'm alright, when I keep having daily nightmares of my papa being murdered right in front of me. Five years may have been enough for you to get through his death, but it's not for me. I was there, he died in front of me, in my arms. Not yours. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm great just to make you feel a fake sense that you are helping me, when you are not. Which I've been doing on the last years. But I've had enough, so leave me the fuck alone, and live your happy lives full of disgusting displays of love and overbearing affection, and forget me, please. Thank you!" Then I finished my Irish coffee in one go, stood up, made a soft greeting to my maternal nonni, mama, and left.
And though I know it was a bitch move, there is truth to it.
But the current real to my misery is Misha. Misha, plus my papa, plus the way they have all been treating me. It was too much, and I need to shut them down. Even Leo and Luigi decided to give me space. Appreciate it.
Though it was more like they wanted to be fully alone with one another, far away from their problematic third wheel… me. Which I get it, really, it's fine.
So, when I left them by themselves, in their happiness of love, and soon to be married, plus what Pieter, Willem, Vladmir, Bram, Hendrik, Nicolao, and Riccardo, are planning to do in mama's marriage,─ which I know because I hacked Peter's phone when I was bored and saw what they were planning in their private group chat with all the boys.─And left to my cave, how they refer to my room.
Then, I… cried. I cried put a playlist to blast out on the max volume and cried. Fuck, I cried like I hadn't cried in a while. I cried so fucking much that my face got swollen, my energies ran out, and little after I stopped crying I fainted.