She was trying so hard to hide it, but fear was essentially pouring out of every part of her body.
Her eyes were red, filled with tears that she was trying to hide from us, but she was failing miserably. She was even struggling to breathe and she was shaking.
Her hands couldn't stop trembling.
I have never seen Charlotte scared a day in her life and I have never, in my life, seen anyone as scared as she is right now.
Me and Nigel tried everything we could think of to distract her from everything that's happening today.
Nigel tried to get her to listen to old Italian fables because one of the many languages Charlie speaks is Italian. When that didn't work, I whipped out a recording of all the judgments she told us the court made the wrong decision. She made that recording for me and Ri to show us that we shouldn't blindly accept that someone knows more than us just because of their age or position. Everytime we want to tick her off, we start preaching about how we agree with the court's decision in those cases. It can get her to drop whatever she's doing for at least five minutes just so she can check if we're in our right mind.
Listening to those recordings did distract her, but only for a couple of minutes.
She started scowling once I started playing the recording. Her tears started to disappear and the fear in her eyes slowly started to get replaced with anger and disappointment while listening to the court's reasons for a particular judgment.
Seeing her angry or disappointed is not uncommon so seeing those emotions in her eyes instead of fear made me relieved.
However, she didn't stay distracted for too long.
The reality is she's had to pretend that the people who were meant to be protecting her, aren't suddenly doing the exact opposite of that. And she's had to pretend that she's okay with Joshua's absence even though it is the most preposterous thing ever.
That man has never been absent a day in his life. He worked for dad and after dad passed, he glued himself to Forest. Then Charlie came back, and I guess Forest insisted that he take care of her.
When the recording stopped distracting her, the trembling in her hands returned with greater force. She also kept kneading her chest and at times she honestly looked like she was struggling to breathe, but played it off for our sake.
Nurses came in and out of her room and gave her medication and told her to relax, but their words fell on deaf ears.
"I don't want to die." She whispered. "I really don't want to die."
"Then let's leave, Amorina." Nigel held her hand and looked at me, urging me to try and convince her to leave.
She smiled sadly and looked at his hand. "No." She whispered again. "I want to live, Nigel, but I won't live without my baby. Every step, ever stumble, every rise and every fall, every breath has been leading to be this baby's mom."
"He's right, Charlie." I chimed in with Nigel. "If this surgery is that dangerous, then don't risk it. We can go home right now."
She shook her head and took another deep breath to try and steady her breathing.
"If you have to choose between me and the baby", she ignored us, "you choose my baby."
Nigel started shaking his head and even tried to let go of her hand, but she clutched onto it tightly.
"Promise me!" She said with wide and scared eyes. "If I have to be some kind of braindead incubator for my baby then you let that be. I won't live without this baby, Nigel. You know that. I've lost so much already ... I can't...I won't survive it. I won't survive losing my baby."
Nigel covered his eyes with his other hand and shook his head some more. I couldn't see it, but I could hear him crying and gosh, I started crying too.
"Okay." He replied reluctantly through his cries. "I'll make sure they put the baby first."
She gave a sigh of relief, smiled to herself and then let go of his hand.
A sombre sadness unloke any I've ever felt before settled in her hospital suite after that.
I felt undeserving of sharing a moment like this with her. I haven't done anything to deserve sharing a moment like this with her. She should be with people who have treated her with kindness and love and respect in a time like this.
She shouldn't have to go through this with me in the room.
And yet, despite that, I couldn't bring myself to leave. How selfish would I have to be to leave her when she's at her most vulnerable?
One of the nurses came inside, started checking all kinds of things on her again and then frowned.
"What's wrong?" Nigel and I asked at the same time before she hid the concern in her face.
"Your blood pressure is quite high." She tried giving Charlie a reassuring smile. "I'm going to bring you some meds to bring it down. Just relax, okay? Dr Shetland is the best obstetrician in the country. You and your baby are in good hands."
Charlie just closed her eyes, smiled and then nodded her head.
"I need Forest." She started rubbing her chest again. "If I die ... I can't die without seeing him one last time."
"Char-" Nigel started tearing up again.
"Please find him, Christian." She looked at me with the most heart-wreching and pleading eyes. "I know you hate me, but please find him. All of this is my fault. If I hadn't come back none of this would be happening. Forest would be safe. I shouldn't have come back. It was selfish of me to come back."
Her voice was soft and timid and those words broke both me and Nigel.
How can she even say that when she's done nothing but make my brother so happy and full of life? Surely she can see how he looks at her? How everytime she enters a room, he looks like a man who suddenly got his sight back?
She can't ever say that because she shouldn't have left in the first place. She should have stayed by his side where she belongs. And the day she came to see mom and ask her to help her get back to school, I should have ran upstairs and woke up Forest or insisted that she go see him.
I shouldn't have let her leave when she looked like she hadn't eaten in days and like she would collapse if the wind blew just a little too hard.
They've always been inseparable. I should have put my own issues aside and tried to make her stay; even if it was for Forest's sake.
He always puts everyone else's needs over his own so that one time, I should have put his needs over my own.
His entire life has always been centred around what our family needs and never what he needs. The only time he's allowed himself to have what he wants ... what he needs, was where Charlie was concerned. The only time when he seemed to allow himself to stop being perfect was when he was with her.
And I refused to acknowledge that just because I'm a selfish bastard who didn't think she deserved him, no matter how hard she tried to prove herself to me.
But she deserves to be with him. She's always deserved to be with him.
The way she's reacting right now is almost exactly what mom was like after dad passed away. I never thought I'd want to cry for another person the way I wanted to cry for mom when dad died, but right now ... I just want to cry for the pain that Charlie is clearly going through.
"Don't say that." I almost started rubbing her back, but decided against it. I don't deserve to be able to do that. "Because of you, we were able to uncover an enemy before they could inflict harm. People are getting justice because of you, Charlie. Ritikia is getting justice, along with hundreds of other people who have suffered because of the Mitchells. You coming back is the best thing that could have happened to my family, Charlie. I would have failed my board exams again if it weren't for you. The merger might have flopped because Lauren kept ruining things and my brother would have stayed miserable and unhappy if it weren't for you."
She tried to smile at me, but it was such a faint smile that disappeared almost the instant it appeared on her face.
"Tell him I love him." She rubbed her chest again. "Tell him that if I could go back, I wouldn't have left. I shouldn't have left." She started crying again and this time, I just stopped listening to all the voices in my head telling me not to touch her and went to go wrap my arms around her shoulders while Nigel held both her hands.
"I was a coward." She scolded herself. "I just- I couldn't - I tried, Chrissie, but I couldn't. And even now - everytime - I can't breathe- I see it and then, I can't-"
"It's okay." I held on tighter to her. "It's more than okay, Charlie. I promise."
I wasn't sure what she was talking about or what she was trying to say, but I just wanted it to stop because ut was clearly hurting her.
I don't know why she broke up with Forest. It didn't matter to me at the time. I was actually happy about it.
I was happy because it was clear from an early age that Charlie didn't like people touching her, and she especially didn't like men or boys touching her. So when they broke up, I knew that it wouldn't be because she found another guy. I justified that thought by telling myself that she wouldn't be with another guy because she's stuck up. However, I knew that it's because she would only ever let my brother hold or touch her intimately.
When Lucas dated and the press caught glimpses of him and his girlfriends, I hoped she would see the pictures because I suspected she was alone wherever she was at that time.
But now, thinking about how obsessed they are with each other, I am genuinely curious as to why she would break up with him.
... but not curious enough to ask her about it when just thinking about it is making her react this way ...
"I know I gave you and Jona a hard time." She directed her puffy eyes at Nigel. "I gave you guys plenty of reasons to give up on me, didn't I?"
He shook his head and frowned.
"You guys helped me when I refused to help myself." She continued with a shaky breath. "You carried me when I had no intention of ever getting up ever again and ... if I had to go through that just to find you and Jona, then I would go through it again, Nigel because you and Jona are my brothers. You're my guardians. You breathed life into a girl you guys didn't even know and nothing I could ever do can repay you two for what you've done for me."
He burst into more tears and hugged her while I held her. He hugged her like he would never let her go.
"I have yet to meet anyone who is as strong and as determined as you." He sobbed into her hair. "Jona and I both love you so much and we are so proud of you, Amorina."
They stayed like that ..hugging one another as if they'd never get to hug each other again.
"Uhm", she coughed a bit and he let go.
"When you find Joshua", she directed her gaze at me again, "tell him", she broke down again and started crying, "tell him I don't know how to be someone's daughter. I don't know what a good daughter is supposed to be like, but because of him, I think I have an idea about what a good dad is supposed to be like."
All we could do was hold her. We both held her and she cried into our arms because what on earth could we say to something like that?
Her doctor stepped inside with a nurse wearing a terrible black wig and a surgical mask.
It was only when we saw them that the three of us let go of one another.
"We should get you ready." The doctor smiled calmly.
"We're still waiting for a nurse to bring her blood pressure medication." I told her. "Can we stay until she comes back?"
"I'm afraid not." She gave a sympathetic smile. "We'll take care of everything from here on out. You two don't have to worry about a thing."
I couldn't bring myself to leave.
I've taken all the steps I could take to keep her safe, but something could still go wrong.
"You should really get going." The doctor tried nudging me.
I looked at Charlie.
Even without make up, she still looks like a model. I don't think she wears that much make up, but I do know she doesn't need it. She's just always beautiful.
But today, there's a fragility to her beauty that I've never seen before. She looks like she could break any minute now.
"I never hated you." I tried to explain to her. "I think I hated myself, Charlie. I hated that I had everything handed to me, but still screwed things up. And everytime I saw you, I hated myself more because you had nothing and yet you were able to create everything. You always force me to confront some harsh truths about myself, Charlie and I gave you a hard time because those truths were too hard for me to handle. I know you hate me and I know I deserve it, but I want you to know that I really am sorry. I love you, Charlie and I am so grateful that my brother met you and made you a part of our family. I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am for the way I've treated you."
"Come here." She beckoned and held out her arms for me.
"You and I met as kids." She whispered while hugging me. "All the things you did, you did because you were a kid and kids do stupid things. That's why I didn't read too much into it. You're a good man, Chrissie and you have things that most people would die for. Don't let those things go to waste just because you can afford to, okay?"
I nodded while we hugged.
"Okay." I whispered back and just held her until the doctor's assistant cleared her throat.
"We'll be waiting for you." I told her as I left the room. "And in a few months, we'll be waiting for my little niece or nephew."