I woke up to Forest planting kisses on my head and forehead and talking to me as if I had been awake this entire time.
My head was hidden away in the crook of his neck. He couldn't tell that I was awake.
"...She'll have your hair." He kept talking. "And she'll be stubborn just like you and she'll be able to twist my arm the way you do. I can't wait to buy her her first gavel or her first lego set or little construction site. By the way, I'm going to try really hard to get our daughter to be an engineer. I know you'll try to make her a lawyer, but I have a feeling our daughter will love numbers, feeling concrete and gravel between her fingers and she will-"
I started giggling into his neck and he stopped talking.
"Look who's finally awake." He started planting a dozen kisses on my face and neck and tickling me.
I was laughing while he continued his onslaught. It was only when I started coughing that he stopped and reached out to his nightstand to give me a cup of water that I was able to stop.
"You okay?" He asked me while I drank the water.
"Yeah." I gave him the empty cup and he put it back on his nightstand. "I'm more than okay."
I traced his face with my fingers. He had dark circles under his eyes and his eyes were a bit red. It's clear he hasn't slept the entire night.
"Good." He kissed my fingers. "You had me worried."
"I'm sorry." I looked into those concerned and tired green eyes of his. "I thought I was being careful. If it weren't for you, I could have died, Forest. Jona could have died. Our baby could have died."
"But you didn't." He tried really hard to smile. "I won't let anything happen to you or our baby or Jona. I'll protect you with my life." He pulled me into his chest and I remained there listening to his steady heartbeat.
"I'm glad you're not angry at me for having you watched." He gave a light chuckle. "I had a whole defense prepared for incase you were furious with me for what I did. I only had people watching you because I know how reckless you can be and I don't want you to get hurt when once in a while something reminds you that you need to be careful."
"I know." I caressed his chest. "I know you just want to keep me safe, Forest. I'll always be safe with you. How can I be angry at you for that? I'm grateful that I get to be loved by someone with as much foresight as you."
He smiled again. It was more genuine this time and filled with much less fatigue.
"I will always protect you, Charlotte." He titled my head upwards. "I will protect you and our baby, but I can't do it blind anymore. There's a huge chunk of the puzzle that I don't have. You've been building a case against the Mitchells for years. You're unravelling their entire empire all by yourself. You brought Sandra Ohara back into the country and Jona is about to send Lauren to jail. Why are you putting this much effort into destroying them and why are they trying to kill you? Tell me what I'm missing."
My mouth immediately felt dry. I just drank a full cup of water, but my mouth already felt dry.
How does he know I'm the one who brought Sandra back into the country? I hid that so well. No one should know about that; even Lisa doesn't know that. Does he know I planted her right under Justin's nose? Does he know she's here to break Lisa's marriage and distract her? Does he know I went as far as having people watch Sandra to protect her in case Lisa tried to hurt her?
I tried to gather saliva in my mouth, but my mouth just got more dry.
Those pleadings are hundreds of pages long. The evidence is compiled into even more hundreds of pages. They were served on the Mitchells just the other day. He couldn't have read all of it already. He can't already know that I've been building that case for years.
His eyes were refusing to back down no matter how much mine pleaded with him to let this go.
I should have seen this coming. Forest was always fast; faster than me. He reads faster, understands things faster, takes information in faster. I may have taken the top spot on the honour roll back in school, but that's just because he wasn't as interested in his other subjects. If there weren't numbers or science involved, he found the subject to be useless as far as he was concerned. So of course he's already read the pleadings that are hundreds of pages long. He's always been fast.
What else does he know?
"I'm just doing my job." I gestured for him to pour me some more water. "That's probably why they're after me. They don't like that I'm doing my job so well."
The sincerity and concern in his eyes turned into anger and annoyance. He started getting out of the bed and even when I held onto his arm, he still refused to stay in bed with me.
I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted him to wrap his arms around my body like he does every night so that he could hide me. I wanted him to hold me together because I keep feeling like I'm falling apart and he's the only one who's able to hold my pieces together.
"You-" He turned his head away from me. "I can't do this, Charlotte. I can't build a life with someone who keeps this many secrets from me. I can't marry someone who, even in the face of danger, refuses to tell me the fucking truth!"
I tried to get out of the large and cushy bed, but my entire body felt heavy. I kept trying to blink away the fog gathering in my eyes and shaking away the ringing in my ears, but nothing worked.
I just need to be strong enough to take a few steps to reach him. That's all, but I can't even get out of this bed.
"You broke me." His calm voice pierced through the ringing in my ears. "That's what you did the day you watched me go on my knees and beg you to tell me what I did wrong, but you still refused to tell me anything. You broke me, Charlotte and you didn't even look back after you did it. You went on with your life and then five years later you woke up and decided you wanted me back."
My chest. Why does it feel like my heart is about to beat right out of my chest?
Every year, every month, every day and every hour without him was torture. I drank, I cried, I ripped out my hair, I fell apart over and over again and if it hadn't been for Jona, I would have been found dead on the corner of a street.
I didn't just wake up one day and decide to go running back to him.
I had to stop myself everyday from running back to him. I wanted to crawl back to him even though all of me was falling apart, but I shielded him from all of that. I shielded him from seeing me constantly crumbling and crying and not being able to sleep because everytime I closed my eyes I saw Brian Kim.
I keep seeing Brian Kim.
My chest started collapsing into itself.
I can't breathe.
I don't want him to talk to me like that. I don't want him to look at me like that.
I ran away from him because I felt so dirty. No matter how hard I scrubbed and no matter how many showers I took, I kept feeling dirty. I still feel so dirty.
My dad, my own father beat me with a crowbar and then he ripped off my shirt and started carving into my back and stomach with a knife.
He kicked me, he spat at me, he said he should have killed me while I was still in my mother's stomach. He called me dirty.
Gosh, I'm so dirty.
"It's not like that." My voice cracked. "I promise it's not like that."
"Then tell me why I had to go five years without you, Charlie." He slammed a fist into a table. "Tell me why I had to return the engagement ring I bought for you without knowing why I lost the only woman I've ever loved. Tell me why we're not married already with two kids and a third on the way, Charlie and tell me why you came back with those scars on your body."
I can't breathe. I just can't breathe.
Where are my words? I've tried for years to practice this. I just need to find my words.
Where are my words?
"Forest-" I saw my hand try to reach out to him, but it fell almost instantly. "Forest" I tried to speak again, but people in white coats were rushing towards me.
The fog in my eyes was pitch black, my lungs refused to fill up with oxygen and the ringing in my ears had turned into a constant banging that blocked out everything else.
"Charlie-" I think I heard his voice above the hoarde of white coats. "Charlie, it's going to be okay."
Forest.
I wanted to speak, but those words ... I can't find those words. And my chest, it's collapsing into itself and now I'm drowning.
I keep seeing that crowbar. I keep seeing that knife. I keep seeing all that blood. I keep seeing his face. I keep feeling that crowbar hitting me over and over again. I can feel that knife carving into me again. I can see Brian. I can hear him, feel him, smell him.
He's here. He came back to finish what he started and just like last time, I'm too weak to fight back.
I can hear the thick Korean accent in every English slur he's hurling at me. I can smell the strong expensive foreign cologne mixed with the smell of cigars. I can feel the sweat mixed with my blood on his skin as I try to grab his arms.
He's here. He's back and I can't stop him.
After all this time, I'm still too weak to stop him.
He's back.
***
"She's okay." I heard a woman's voice next to me. "After observing her symptoms and judging from what you've described, I'd say she's suffering from a form of PTSD. The medication we gave her to counteract the poison together with something she heard or maybe something she saw seem to have triggered what just happened. Once she wakes up, I can talk to her and we'll know more about what just happened. For now, try to avoid talking about anything too serious. Her body is still in recovery."
I tried to listen to rest of their conversation, but they suddenly sounded like they were so far away. So I tried to open my eyes so I could tell them I'm okay.
I don't have PTSD. I don't need to talk about anything. I'm okay. I'm strong this time. I just need a moment to breathe. That's all.
My eyes felt heavier than before. I tried so hard to open them, but they wouldn't budge.
A familiar warmth suddenly crept next to me in bed and before I knew it, I was safely hidden in his arms like I am every night. My entire body was enveloped by his large body.
"I'm sorry." I heard his voice close to my ear. "I'm so sorry, Charlie. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just - I want you to know that you don't need to hide anything from me. You seem to think that there are parts of you that I won't accept and that's just not true. I want all of you. I want to know all of you because you deserve to be loved in your entirety, Charlie."
I tried to respond, but everything felt heavy. I gave up trying to speak or move and before I knew it, I drifted off into nothingness.
***
I tried to open my eyes again for what felt like eternity until my eyelids finally listened to me and fluttered open.
"Hey." Green eyes that glistened with liquid met with mine.
"Hey." I replied in a coarse throat. "I, I'm so sorry. I didn't meant to-"
"It's okay." He planted a kiss on my forehead. "You don't have to say a word. I'm sorry I pushed you."
I started shaking my heavy head despite it's pounding.
I owe him an explanation. No matter how hard it is to talk about it, I owe it to him.
"I have to say it." I dug my fingers into his arm. "I need you to know, Forest. I need you to know that I fell apart over and over again after ... after..."
"After you broke up with me?" He finished my sentence and I nodded.
"I came back because my therapist said ... she said ..."
Breathe, Charlotte. Just fucking breathe or else he'll think you're weak.
"She said I don't need to be all fixed up to be with you", I forced the words out of my mouth, "so I sent you that message on LinkedIn, but you didn't respond and you blocked me, so I emailed you."
I rubbed my chest as my heart started beating faster and faster again. That drowning sensation is trying to come back.
"I was so scared that night that you might-", I gritted through the words. "I was scared that you would swear at me, spit at me and tell me you hate me, but I forced myself to go and face you. I masked all my fear when I saw you, Forest. I masked it the way I mask everything because I wanted to convince you that I was still good enough to be with you."
He held me tighter and I swear it made it all bearable. His embrace removed the bolder that was crushing my chest and chased away that drowning sensation I kept feeling.
He makes everything bearable.
"But you didn't swear at me or chase me away when you saw me." I swallowed all the heavy sobs that threatened to escape. "You looked at me like you've been waiting for me to come back to you. I was going to invite you back to my place. I had dinner prepared and I was going to beg you to forgive me and give me a chance to be a part of your life again, but, but then you held me and you took me to your home instead."
I looked into his eyes and I just kept drawing strength from him.
There was no judgment in his eyes, no anger, no nervousness, no resentment. He was looking at me like I could do no wrong, but that's because he doesn't know. He doesn't know that Brian wants to kill me. He won't look at me the same way if he finds out. He'll look at me the way I look at myself. He'll look at me with disgust, pity and hatred and I'll die if he ever looks at me like that.
I'll die if he ever finds out just how broken I am.
That thought was enough to make my body burn up and break out in a sweat again. My mouth felt dyer than before and my chest ... my fucking chest was collapsing again.
I can't breathe.
"It's okay." His arms let go of me as if that would help me. "You don't need to say anything else, Charlie."
He was about to climb out of the bed. He thinks I need space to breathe, but I need him. I've always needed him.
I can't lose him again.
"Please." I begged him. "Don't leave me, Forest. Please." Too many sobs escaped my mouth. "Just hold me. Please."
His arms were wrapped around me again within seconds and that excruciating darkness didn't seem as scary anymore.
"You held me that first night you saw me", I tried to continue, "and for the first time in years, I felt like pieces of me were starting to get glued back together. But I got greedy. I was prepared to start as friends so I could earn back your trust, but when you held me I refused to let you go. I wanted more than friendship. I wanted to make love to you and belong to you like I always have. I wanted to get as much love and affection as I possibly could from you before you came to your senses and chased me away or left me."
"I'll never do that." He whispered into my hair. "You don't ever have to worry about me leaving you, Charlotte. You're my life. You need to know that. You need to stop thinking that I could ever survive not being with you ever again. I love you so much; so so much."
I burrowed my head even further into his neck.
He's so warm. So safe.
"I got hurt." I tried hiding myself even further in the nook of neck. "I got hurt because I was stupid and weak. I wanted to get strong before I came back, Forest. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't get hurt again."
I slithered my hand around his neck and inhaled his scent as deeply as I could.
"Was it the Mitchells?" He asked me. "Did the Mitchells hurt you?"
I wanted to scream, but I swallowed the sound before it could escape.
"Yeah." The tears started forming a storm in my eyes. "They hurt me." I forced the words out. "But I won't let them hurt me ever again, Forest. I'm going to destroy that family. I'm going to make them pay for what they did to me."
He tried getting out of bed again. He was furious, but everytime he moved away from me, that drowning sensation came back and I found myself gasping for air.
"Don't." My hand reached for him. "Just hold me. Please."
He was in bed next to me before the drowning sensation could take over.
"I can protect myself now." I breathed against his neck. "You have to stay out of it."
"No." He said in the coldest and calmest voice I've ever heard. "I'm not staying out of it."
"Please." I begged him. "I need to do this on my own, Forest. I need to prove that I'm strong enough to protect myself and our baby, okay? Please."
"No." He answered again, sounding calmer and colder than before.
"A month", the words ran out of my mouth, "I just need a month to deal with them. Lauren will be fired and her case will be in court. Lisa and her parents will be facing insurmountable charges before a court. That will be the start of their downfall. Give me a month and then you can intervene. Please."