I worked.
I worked away that scene that kept repeating in my head. I worked away Lauren telling me she saw my scars and telling me Forest probably doesn't even touch them. I worked away my fist connecting with her face. I worked away her body falling to the ground. I worked away Forest looking at me with disgust on his face. I worked away Chrissie's resentment and spiteful words.
I worked it all away. All of it.
By 3am, I realised I had been stuck in my study room for nearly eight hours. I didn't feel tired. I just wanted to keep working. I was safe here. I'd never have words stuck in my throat when I'm working. I'd never feel like I'm drowning in people's judgment. I'd never feel like I'm the bad guy at work.
I'd never punch someone at work.
My phone kept buzzing, but it was all emails and notifications from work. I got some texts from Annabelle and Mama Grey, but nothing from Forest.
That was good. I was glad that he didn't call or send me a message. He said I couldn't leave him again. That was one of his terms for getting back together, but neither of us said anything about him leaving me. He can leave me and then he can move on with his life.
Gosh...I shouldn't have come back...why would I come back?... Why did I come back?
I should have waited, fixed myself some more. Now I've wrecked it all.
I worked for another few hours.
I can work anything away. I can work away the confusion. I can work away the guilt. I can work away the truth ... the agonising truth...that I'm broken and there's no fixing me.
At 5am I decided to go to bed. I felt better. I felt like I could breathe. I didn't feel like I was drowning in all my emotions anymore and my mind was clear. I could think.
I shouldn't have punched Lauren. That was wrong. I'll apologise. I'll apologise and never think of this ever again. And then I'll step aside. Bit by bit I will let Forest go because I shouldn't have come back. Not after what happened, I should have stayed away.
I didn't feel an ounce of fatigue when I climbed into bed. My mind kept reeling with everything I needed to do to free Forest of me.
I'll need to call Jona. He'll be more than happy to be back at my side. I'll need to get all my work equipment back from Forest's place. Just thinking about getting all those books and monitors and computers back is giving me a headache. I'll also need to get all my clothes and shoes back. It's taken me years to get a respectable shoe collection. I'm not parting with a single shoe.
It will be hard. It will feel impossible just like it did back then. But I knew even then that Forest deserves better and I know it now too...I just forgot. I forgot who I am and who he is.
I rubbed that dull ache in my chest as I crawled into bed. This is why I need to keep working. It was completely gone while I was working.
"No more sleeping late, Charlie." I heard Forest's voice behind me. "I mean it. I know it's Sunday, but this is ridiculous."
I felt his large arms wrap themselves around me.
I was so in my head that I didn't even notice him lying in bed. I didn't switch on the light. I just crawled inside. And the familiar weight and warmth that awaited me felt so familiar that my mind didn't even register his presence as something to take note of.
I could feel his naked body pressed up against me. His hand was trying to slither inside my pajama top, but I stopped it.
How could I let him touch me ever again? How could I be naked with him ever again? How could I let him see me naked again? He's not my refuge anymore...he's not my forest anymore... he's Lucas.
"Why are you wearing clothes to bed? He mumbled while trying to take my pajamas off. "You always sleep naked."
Our hands were fidgeting under the covers. He was trying to take off my top and I was trying to keep it on.
His touch was starting to sting me. Everytime I felt his hands on my body, I thought of how he looked at me yesterday.
Disgust, resentment, shock, judgment.
He cast judgment on me. He knows how broken I am now. He knows.
The thought of seeing my own body naked ever again was sending chills down my spine. And thinking of those videos and naked pictures I took of myself and sent to him was now sending me into a spiral. Every woman knows you don't do something so stupid. And yet here I am, one of the best lawyers in this country, and I sent this man pictures and videos of me undressing so that he can keep looking at those scars.
Those fucking scars!
When he realised I wasn't going to let him take off my top or my bottoms, he turned my body so I would face him. It was dark, but I could see the concern sketched out on his face.
"I know we had a rough day yesterday." He pulled me into his bare chest. "But you and I both know that couples fight. Couples have misunderstandings, they get angry, but the important thing is to talk it out. I need you to talk to me."
His touch felt different.
It no longer felt like a sanctuary to run to. I wanted to get as far away from him as I possibly could. I wasn't safe with him. Not anymore.
I pushed his abdomen gently and he let me be.
I punched someone yesterday. I punched someone he loves. I don't want to be that person...a person who punches others. I can't be that person. I don't need to be that person anymore ... not even for him.
"I'm tired." I said softly. "I'm going to get something to drink."
I heard him sighing as I got out of bed.
The further away I got from him, the better I felt. He's no longer my forest. I need to let him go.
"I'll come with you." I heard his voice behind me. "I'm also thirsty."
"No." I said much too quickly. "I need space, Lucas. Just...just let me go get some water. Okay?"
I could feel him standing behind me, judging me for needing space when he should be the one saying that. I could feel his resentment without even looking at him. I could feel his disgust at what I have done. It was burning me. I just wanted to get away from him.
"Okay."
I left my suite as quickly as I could.
I didn't go to the kitchen. I went into one of the guest rooms. I locked the door as soon as I closed it and crumbled to the floor.
I felt sick. I fucking punched someone. I fucking punched someone.
I need to get back to work. This is why I should have just stayed with work. Work is safe, it's certain.
I need to get back to work.
I stood up and unlocked the door as fast as I could. I wanted to run to my study. I wanted to get away from him, from Lauren, from Christian, but I couldn't even do that because he was standing right infront of me when I opened the door.
"What are you doing, Lucas?" I asked him.
"Forest." He reprimanded me. "I'm Forest to you. I'll always be Forest to you."
He tried to hold my hand, but I quickly folded my arms across my chest.
"No, you're not." I tried walking past the wall of a man infront of me. "It's high time I called you by your name. I'm not a little kid anymore."
He picked me up, put me over his shoulder and entered the guest room.
"Talk to me." He demanded when he put me down. "Don't shut me out. Don't try to leave me. Don't bottle everything up like you usually do. Stop being this invincible person who needs nothing and no one. Just talk to me. Let me in."
I tried to speak, but those words were stuck in my throat again. I tried to push them through, but they just couldn't come out. He would know...he would know just how broken I am.
"I'll apologise to Lauren." I pursed my lips into a tight smile. "I shouldn't have hit her. I'm sorry I did that to someone you love. I really am."
He frowned.
"And you can take her to the banquet." I added. "I had no right to ... to wreck your life just so I could find some space for myself. I had no right to tell you who can live in your home and I had no right to force an assistant on you. I'll back off. I'll speak to Jona. I'm sure he'll be happy to come back and work with me."
He was quiet. Too quiet.
"I'll back off." I tried to drive my point home. "You don't have to worry about me ... punching someone again. I think I wanted things to be exactly like they were before. I forgot that we're not kids anymore. We're adults now and adults have their own lives and adults respect each other's lives. I'm really sorry, Lucas. I'm sorry for everything."
He tried touching one of my hands again, but I pretended to run my hand through my hair.
His touch stung me, it burned me. Even being this close to him was uncomfortable. I just want this mess to be over and done with.
"You don't want me touching you, do you?" He asked after an endless silence.
I looked down.
I just want to be alone right now. I want to be alone and just work.
"You're acting like my mere touch will kill you or something, Charlie and now you're apologising and trying to extract yourself from my life."
He sighed.
"I won't touch you if you don't want want me to touch you."
Silence.
"But I'm not letting you push me away again." He started walking out of the room and I could feel my body relaxing again.
"I'll let you sleep here tonight." He said when he got to the door. "As for who lives in my house, I intend to share that house with you and build a family with you. You have as much a say over what happens as I do. I'm sorry that I've been acting otherwise. I told Lauren she needs to move out by the end of the week. What happened yesterday is proof that I've been -"
"No." I stopped him. "Let her stay. It's fine. I promise. It's your life, Lucas. You don't need to change it for me. I'm sorry that I've tried to make you do that. I really am. I won't do it anymore. If yesterday proved anything, it's that I have a problem and I need to fix it before I hurt anyone else, before I hurt you. I'd never forgive myself if I did that."
Silence.
"I don't want to hurt anyone else, Lucas. I'm not a woman who goes around hitting others. I don't need to do that. It's not me anymore. So please, don't let my tantrum make you part with your friend."