"She moved!" Someone had said. "Did you see, she just now moved! I think she is waking up!" The person seemed so excited. I heard several ruffles and gasps.
'Now what are so many gasps doing in my room!'
"My lady, wake up.." This person was surely Mariyam Apa. Her voice was cracking as if she was trying not to cry.
I tried to mumble in my sleep: 'Give me fifteen more minutes.' But no sound came out of my mouth I was so dead asleep. She held my hand and spoke again. "Yes, yes my lady, what do you need?"
'More sleep! Now be generous and lemme..' I said in my head.
"What is it?" A man's voice came from a corner.
"I think my lady is waking up!"
'No Mariyam Apa, your lady is really sleepy just let her sleep!'
And then there was a ruckus something and someone touched me but but it was a slur.
'Gosh I just wanna sleep, I swear!'
"Miss Aliza? Can you hear me? Miss Aliza?? Are you awake? Please respond to my voice if you can hear me."
'Ugh!' I nodded, or well at least tried to. But gosh every cell was so stiff. I tried to open my eyes to literally snap at this commotion. And so I did.
I opened my eyes and snapped. Oh well yea no voice came out but everyone did back off before everyone launched on me.
'What the hell!'
I didn't even know what all these people were. They were trying to inquire how I was. 'Well how can I be after you waking me up by force from my sweet nap!'
Mariyam Apa was crying, shaking all over. Making me shake with her. A woman teared up the human circle and came up with a light on my face.
"How do you feel Miss Aliza? Are you awake now? Can you hear me? Can you speak?"
'A doctor I see...'
I tried to speak but no voice came out. But I could hear her good. She asked me to blink in response and asked a bunch of questions.
'Um.. why am I even being interrogated by a doctor, remind me...'
I was still all over and couldn't really move and well yes of course was reminded of my so very unsuccessful deed. 'Urgh~'
Gosh I so very wanted to hide in some rabbit hole. 'What the f***y situation is this!'
I glared at the unknown faced, trying to identify. But no any memory came on crashing.
"These are our old neighbours. Uncle Faheem and Aunty Ruqsana and their daughter Huma. She is a doctor, the one who treated my lady and.. and this is their son Momin. You remember you guys are same age. You used to play together all the time."
'Like seriously Mariyam Apa! Look at my age! Would I still remember these people!?'
"Uncle Faheem.. is you father's best friend." She whispered slowly. "This is their house, we are momentarily staying here."
I blinked. She wanted an affirmation. Not once did she talked or asked about my bright attempts. But she was shaky. Scared so much. Guilt and shame sank me in that moment. She wasn't even looking away. Staring at me with a worn off soft smile.
This woman has dedicated her half life to me. She was family. A person who truly really loved and cared for me. And I rewarded her for her so much emotional investments by my silliness. I shut my eyes, couldn't look at her anymore. 'Maybe avoiding her gazes is better..'
I was told I was unconscious for 13 months and a little over. Comatosed. I didn't ask nor anyone spoke about that incident. A physiotherapist and a psychiatrist visited me often. Only me and my psychiatrist knew what I was doing. Intentionally blocking everything away.
When you've been through many emotional traumas, you learn a magic trick. You can block all your emotions. You feel nothing. Good, bad, happy, sad.. nothing. You are as calm as a sleeping volcano. Yes of course, this has a huge draw back. Cause when everything comes hitting, it breaks you in so many ways you can never imagine. It kills you in a damn brutal way.
I was chill. Like I was years back. This has always been my way of coping with pain and trauma.
I was always confined in my room. Well the room I was in. With Mariyam Apa keeping a 24/7 watch on me. Making me more and more and more irritable without realising out of guilt.
Three months in, I was able to walk and move on own. Not stable. But better. My voice still not good. Not really back yet. I could make noises and sounds not words, forget sentences. But I was working on it, really. Sluggishly.
Dr. Huma lived close by, her two sons often came to place at their grandparents', playing with me too sometimes. I can safely say I made new friends. But I knew there was one more junior child in house. I'd often hear cries and laughters. And I so much wanted to see the child. Just.. wanna see. No other feelings attached.
And then one day my wish was fulfilled by aunty Ruqsana. When she came to see me, she was holding on an year old baby. He looked like a puff ball. So small, round round. So beautiful and pretty and precious. And so much trying to remind me of my own son whom I abandoned and hence this resulted in a no no. I didn't wanna see him since that day on. One breakdown led to my great attempt towards the more greater deed. Mariyam Apa couldn't afford that. Life had given nothing to me but Mariyam Apa. Why sould I throw everything when I have her, right!
Aunty Ruqsana, her daughter and her daughter's kids were my only visitors. Uncle Faheem and their son never entered my room since I woke up. But I'd often see Momin roaming in his balcony from my balcony. He was always respectful, never looked in my room. But well, what that has to do with a person lying in bed with nothing good to do. Of course my only entertainment was tv, Mariyam Apa's chatters and the balcony where I'd often see Momin.
Everytime he comes in his balcony he'll look at mine first, always finding me shamelessly staring at his. He'd smile nodding before getting busy with his things. Sometimes he has files to deal with. Sometimes he'd be playing mobile games. Other times he'd be reading some book. Sometimes he'd offer prayers in balcony too.
Watching him read either files or books was my favourite enjoyment. His face would change every other second making me wonder what he was reading.
"I wanna read something." I wrote to Mariyam Apa.
"Oh! What does my lady wanna read?"
"Bring me.." but I couldn't thing of a book, pen paused after these two words. What to read..?
She offered me QURAN. "My lady, wanna read this?"
I looked at it in an awe. I've read QURAN many times of course. But when she offered me that day, it felt as if the meaning has become more meaningful suddenly. When I started reading it felt as if I had never read it before.
I wasn't crying or smiling. But I could feel that emotion inside me. Everytime I read, I felt a chill in my bones but warm at the same time.
I'm not sure, but I guess I completed the QURAN in a week or so before starting again with ' tafseer' .
And in all this I forgot to look at the balcony. Not realising now the person in the other balcony was watching me with same wonder on face as I used to have. 'What's so interesting that she is reading.'
I would often find him lingering in his balcony not doing anything just acting busy. But mostly I was unaware of this pair of eyes stalking me. And how can I not be for 'tafseer' had kicked the beautiful ideas of giving up out of my head. Seeding new ideas of perhaps I could just go with the flow of life.
Khuda has always been so giving. But why are humans too only taking and taking and demanding for more. Why can we just never be happy in what we have and always need more to feel happy!? Why can humans not just trust khuda and follow on his words instead of doing what society is asking for. Why is no one thinking that it means shirk. It means you are telling HIM that humans can think and plan better than that All Mighty the one and only Supreme GOD! Silly creatures. Humans are more afraid of humans, caring not at all how khuda is gonna feel about all this.
We ask HIM for everything except for HIMSELF. Just like what he did with me. Who am I to die when khuda never let anyone go empty hand, even after being hurt by all he still provided for everyone with so much love.
That human trash of a person really taught me all the most important lessons of my life.
For the first time, I cried. And it consoled me. And that day on I did my best to live on. Maybe I could sell that mansion and buy a small house and start anew with Mariyam Apa and... and... and I didn't dare to even think that word.
I took on my dear time slowly reading and understanding QURAN. And every line felt new and more beautiful than before. Maybe, sometimes you need to be broken to the core, bleeding all blood, being crushed into a powder to understand the truths right before your eyes. Truths that had always been there but you were just busy refusing them.
Mariyam Apa was so happy seeing me changing bit by bit.
I started talking a little. And also started having breakfast, lunch and dinner on dining table instead of room. I won't be talking but listening to everyone was a new. I never had so many people eating and chatting around me. It felt so new and warm. I never wanted to leave this place. Their chatter and laughters filled in on all empty corners of my heart. Before I even know I was smiling and laughing with them. The child too took a liking of me.
He would drag his toys to play with me. My room had so many of his blocks and stuff bunnies and cars and blah blah toys. Cause everyone had something to do in this house except Zaviyar and me. So I was his only buddy. The much I awaited his cute small head poking from the door frame asking from his eyes "can I come", just as much I wanted to get away from him. He was a constant reminder of so many things I wanted to not be reminded of.
I learnt, that child was Momin's. He named him Zaviyar himself and kept him against everyone, so much smelling like a rotten pot. Well don't worry little Zaviyar was everyone's life. But this was what made me pay attention to Momin for the first time. Well not in that sense what you guys are thinking. Just.. he also seemed like a broken one, although no one shared the whole story. But I think I was already somewhat curious at that time.
Momin was always so optimistic about everything. He seemed to be the kind who knows people hearts but doesn't say it out. Someone you can used thinking how silly they are not knowing he knows, just is letting you. But at the same time he was also an opinionative person who doesn't seem silly enough to be used by anyone. He seemed like a mystery box. A Pandora's box, to be precise.
After that, when I saw him in the balcony, for the first time, I was noting him instead of what he was doing. He was not some tallest man, but definitely taller than me, a good height. Neither lean nor buff. So normal built. Always wearing white, grey or black. I don't think he had any other color. He, I think, had a thing for his hair too. Gosh he cared for his hair so much so well. Just a look at his till-ear-long silky soft dark hair and you can tell.
Gosh what am I even talking about.
Anyways..
He was my age 29 but I thought he was younger when I first saw him. Not just his hairstyle but he had all soft features and big black eyes which always seemed deserted for some reason. He had this loud contagious laughter and had this thing about his aura, it seemed classic, highly literate but not arrogant. He seemed like someone with many friends. A person everyone wanna be around.
Through chatters of his parents I learnt alot about him and his sister. And everything although indicated that he must have lived a very privileged and content life. I used to think his eyes seem like a desert cause he is work drived and sleep deprived. But listening to aunty, if he had a son that young and no mother can be seen, well maybe the desert was of broken heart.
Well I'm not the noisy type. So I kept my nose to myself. Reading 'tafseer' . Eventually, I shared my plan with Mariyam Apa.
"Apa, lets sell that mansion and buy a new house somewhere far. Lets go live by ourselves. You and me."
"My lady.."
"We can be happy by ourselves. You'll be my mother, I'll be your daughter." I was starting to crack. "I like it here, but I wanna leave now. It's been six months to me waking up and we can't keep living here na. "
"But my lady.. I.. you.. no you are.. I.."
"What is it apa? You don't wanna.." I heard a very loud sound suddenly. Something broke in me very loudly. 'No no no!'
"We can't leave.." she muttered finally.
"No! We can and we are! I'm buying a house! The end!" I turned away to sleep.
'You want me to stay in this cozy environment, I know apa. It's just I don't wanna keep taking from this pretty family knowing fully well I can never repay them. Please understand, apa.'
I was getting attached to people here. So dangerous. Specially the child. My biggest reason to run away was the small Zaviyar. So small small bubbly just like his dad. Such a white puff ball. Making me think of things I didn't want to. His light brown eyes always reminded me of a person I deeply hated and didn't wanna think more about. Hence I took some days to process my plans. I strictly told apa to not to tell anyone where we were going but I know she wouldn't listen so I didn't tell her too. But truth was I also didn't know.
I didn't have any laptop or mobile. Well, no one wanted me to get online nor did I myself. I stayed away from even news. So I could only sneak apa's mobile when she was asleep and search online for to-let adds. And after a week's hard work I finally got what I wanted. I put to-let add of my own house too. Well, you see I had to make two IDs cause everyone knew that burnt white-house mansion of mine. So much work.
And he stayed up all nights too. He knew I was up to something. But didn't say anything. Would just keep sneaking stares trying to act busy. The before I left, he bought me a new mobile. An iPhone. So useless. I'm android person. Apart from pursing my lips and saying thank you I didn't know what to do with it.
At least I could search whether someone wanted to buy my house or not. Yea~
That day, was the first time I drew the curtains of my balcony. Cause I was packing what small belongings I had. And I realized I had everything in that not so small room a person would need. They had provided me with everything. I didn't wanna leave for a moment at all. But I knew first thing in the morning would be Zaviyar coming running to me to play. I knew if I wanted to live I must stay away from that child or everything would come crushing. The magic of 'tafseer' would fade if he held on me calling my name. No, I'd promised Mariyam Apa and ALLAH miyan that I won't do anything silly. I must get away from him.
Hence, I quietly left to a new place with Mariyam apa. Not even saying byes. I don't know how to nor did I want anyone to find me. That day before leaving I saw a worried and troubled face of Momin. Something I neither ever saw in past six and a half months nor expected. And that face stayed in my memory till I saw him again.
This new place was small and dirty at first. Well it stayed small but after a ton of work it became cozy and beautiful. We bought everything as apa wanted and I let her decorate the house. Well keeping her busy helped me out from her nagging.
In this new place my name wasn't Aliza Kaif and I realised perhaps although my name meant happy happy but it only made me sad sad. Living as Sadaf I was happy. I started teaching some neighbourhood children QURAN. Apa would stitch cloths. We were really happy. I sold my iPhone in 2.5 Lac, bought a second hand tv and washing machine, fridge, a sofa and a bed with that money.
I started calling apa 'ammi' (mom). She would keep pursuing me to start studying again. Yea, I wasn't a university graduate. I got in university and then met this person who really, well at that time, was the light of my life and he pursued me to do what I like, I liked painting so I quit university to paint. And I painted and painted and painted, not realising when care turned into greed. When light became darkness. Ammi was trying her best to get me to start studying.
Well that wasn't so easy. We had money of course. I had tons in my bank. But my account was sealed. And the fees I heard from the neighbourhood aunty was not something we could even dream of. So of course, obviously degree plan was skipped from my life plan once more.
I wasn't seeing any psychiatrist. But I was good. There had been no withdrawals or sudden collapse or any trauma triggering ceremony. Everything was going fine. But you know somethings aren't meant to be. And we shouldn't even try to get them. They aren't ours to began with na. Just like happiness in my case.
Apa aka ammi passed away an year and a half later.