On the train ride back home, I could only stare out through the window in amazement. Although the train was sparse as usual, Mamiko, who was usually next to me, was not there. Well, today she came by car I suppose. However, even if Mamiko were to have come by train, we would probably still be separate from each other like this.
Why? Because the two of us aren't dating each other anymore.
It was the last week of summer break.
I finished all of my assignments for the summer, and was now at home doing nothing, just sitting in a dazed state. Spending my time like this is a waste, I understand that, but I just couldn't seem to get myself to do anything.
If I try to write a story, read a manga, or even play smartphone games, I end up thinking about Mamiko's face. And every time, tears come to my eyes. I wonder how many times I've cried since Mamiko broke up with me a week ago. To be honest, I didn't think that I had liked her this much. Dating her was something like an accident, but somehow, I ended up falling in love with her.
"Haha… I was a fool."
At that time, I should have apologized to Mamiko sooner. Before that, I should have treasured her more. Because she was my girlfriend, I took her for granted. If she became mad, Mamiko would still forgive me, I thought. In end, that naive belief was the end of me. I really want to punch my past self. And then I want to tell him to treasure Mamiko more.
However, it was too late. Mamiko has already left me. I'm sure she's tired of me now. Then, once summer break ends, she'll probably end up going out with an even better guy…
"Haha… I don't like that…"
Imagining Mamiko dating another guy already makes me feel bad enough to throw up. Even though I was probably just another person to Mamiko by now. There isn't a connection between us anymore.
… It can't be helped, I still really like Mamiko. I like her enough for this to break my heart. Within a day, she is all I can think about as I sit around doing nothing.
"I want to see her. I want to spend time together again…"
I voiced my honest wishes, but I understood that there was no way they would be granted.
───
I ended up saying it.
I just… said it.
One week ago, I liked him, I really cherished Yoshiki-kun, and yet I told him, "Let's break up." I told that to Yoshiki-kun, who I thought I wanted to marry. However, I somehow had no regrets. Despite that, since I still really like Yoshiki-kun, there were many times during this week where I cried while thinking of him.
Still, if Yoshiki-kun was happy, then I was fine with being unhappy. If he can be with someone he really likes, laughing and smiling, then I have no problem with that. I probably will never meet someone that I would end up liking as much as Yoshiki-kun, but if he was happy, then I would be fine.
I'll live on with just my memories of him. Going to school with him, holding hands with him, and even kissing him. Going shopping with him and meeting his parents. All of it was very enjoyable. Really, it was all so fun… As long as I have these memories… I can live…
"Live… I can't~. I already can't go on~."
While I was on my bed, all of the feelings that I had held back, exploded out. A huge amount of tears began to come out.
"No, I didn't want to break up~ I wanted to be together forever."
However, when I see Yoshiki-kun together with that girl, I couldn't think of a reason for me to be there. I thought that I was unneeded.
Still, my feelings.
"I want to be together. I really love you, so I wanted to be your lover forever~"
As soon as I was overwhelmed by my own true feelings, my words became those that I should have said to Yoshiki-kun.
"Yoshiki-kun also said that he liked me… why does he have to be with another girl~?"
I understand that what I was saying was growing more and more selfish, but I couldn't stop myself.
"Really, playing around with me, Baka! Bakabakabakabaka!! Yoshiki-kun… Yoshiki-kun…"
How easy would it have been if I just said, "I hate him"? However, my feelings were the exact opposite, an I couldn't bring myself to spit out those words.
"Uuuu~ Yoshiki-ku~n… Yoshiki-ku~n… I want to see you~ I want you to care for me~"
Instead, I ended up saying such sad words as tears poured down my face.