in my life, never wanted, never did i thought i'd end up this way. the dreams that I've always cherished in a corner of my brain, the thoughts that i had making my blood run faster in my veins, that wave of dopamine it served. i never thought all of it would end up this way in a dumpster, my screams cannot leave my throat. they are submerged deep inside me, in somewhere i really don't know. my heart screaming at me, my brain in a verge of repetition- telling me to die, telling me to take the third attempt of ending my life, never seeing the sunlight again, never looking at the sky at midnight that are full of stars, that are full of emptiness which quite literally the reflection of my current life, empty and full of bright glowing dots that are unreachable. pretty from a distance but vacant when you look closer. a place so vast yet filled with nothingness.
what do people mean when they say they have dreams in their life? to become successful? to have the job they always wanted? to get into their dream university? to visit a place they always dreamed of going? these are typical dreams that are just valueless, or maybe they don't really mean much to me. coming from a family that were full of hypocrites, all i ever wanted in my life was some peace and quiet. but here is me sitting on the rooftop of my father's house just after i a big mess. the aftermath of a disaster still fresh on my hands. wiping away the evidence of another latest storm. my screams, those silent suffocated screams, buried deep inside the curves of my organs miserably.
lighting up a cigarette is the best part of the day for me just like now. the smell, the feeling, intensity, i love it. the relationship between me and my cigarette is- deep. deeper than Mariana trench. if you don't know it is about 2550 km in length and 69km in width. guess even the god loves 69 huh? anyway- cigarette, my forever best friend and partner. who never left my side even in the darkest night, even in the evenings my body was trembling from the rides of i don't know, hormonal rollercoaster? with a deep breath, my lungs filled with nicotine, the sharp burn, the instant rush-best feeling ever!! the world fading to the background as the familiar warmth spreads through me. as if nothing else matters anymore.
the weather is so cold today sending a shiver down my spine even though i love a cold weather, the lack of hemoglobins sucks just like now. it specifically sucks more when you body starts to shake tremendously rejecting every command of your brain- in a situation, infront of people where it shouldn't, when it shouldn't. even though eighty percent of the time this lack of hemoglobins thingy never really did much harm to me. people think I'm having anxiety attacks or something close to that but here it is, just an average medical condition, I'm talking advantage of, never letting my pitiable full of love personality go in vain but adding more sauce on it. putting on a mask is difficult, specially when you know there's not benefit from it. but why do i do this? i don't know. do i have any motive behind? i don't know either. the barren heart inside me looks more fertile from the outside this way. such an ugly confession right?
anyway back to the topic- "PEACE & QUITE" - the most important thing that i ever wanted in my life. i wanted to leave this place, this country and move out, in a place where there's no problem, where there would be no intemperate people, no hypocrites, no two faced persons. kinda funny that I- Daria arwen myself the most two faced person of the whole world talking about how i don't like other two faced people stuffs. well it might not be just two faces, maybe three, maybe tens, who knows! i didn't really kept a count, each and every faces are different created to adapt with every situation possible. these are just to play along with the game called "life".
life is such an ugly word, an ugly thing, an ugly environment, whatever god thought when he was creating life, i think he regrets it now or i don't know maybe he doesn't. well he definitely should regret, i mean, just look around. what do you really think, god?? or are you just enjoying everything that's happening??
from the very beginning of creation, us humans were never meant to be pure. there were always people who created chaos, there were always people who brought disasters- god could just create people with all the positive traits and emotions right, but what he chose to do instead? he filled us with the negative traits too. that means he always wanted it, he wanted us humans to create catastrophes for him to enjoy.
non-existence is a blessing, imagine just not being born at all, imagine the fun of not existing, imagine there's no you, there's no eternity, no family, friends or no social status to maintain. there would be nothing, everything entirely empty- imagine not having any responsibility, imagine not being worried about things that brings you disappointments, wouldn't that'd be nice? wouldn't that be the most peaceful thing ever? there'd he no pain, no sorrows, no emotions specifically no feelings that normal delusional humans call " love" which is basically another ugly word here. if you believe in love you yourself are here to blame and also you're a lowlife creature that god hates. i mean why not just think with a more sober brain? why would god create humans with evil nature? off course because he wants them to be evil right? it is for deviation, for fun as i always assume. god could just made us all full of love, care, affection, honesty, truthfulness, sympathy etc etc but he didn't, he also filled us with hate, envy, jealousy, hypocrisy, lust. why these emotions are lingering there on top of our human soul which were supposed to be pure. it is there for a reason right? it is there because god wanted us to suffer, it is there because he chose it to be there.
also have you ever thought the bad people are always at the top of everything? top of success? and the so called the good ones are always suffering. the ones who claw their way to the top, crushing others beneath them, seem to thrive and on the other hand the kind ones are left to suffer in silence. because that's how god and us humans made our system. that is how it is supposed to be, people with good nature are bound to suffer. you want examples? just look around. there are infinite amount of examples just laying here and there.
our neighbourhood had one stinky guy named jack. he raped and assaulted a nine year old girl and then he killed her. what was his consequence after all these? he was punished to serve in jail. but wait a second, you call that a punishment? how? you think he's suffering there? no bitch suck balls. he's having free meals there and living rent free enjoying his life there. this isn't how punishment should be, we are too merciful with the bad people, and why is that? because that's what the system is. no one gave a fuck about that little girl. no one gave a fuck about how much she suffered. people just threw some stupid rotten flowers at her funeral, pretended to be sad and then later they forgot about her gradually with time. god prefers bad people more that's why they suffer less. it's not hard to understand the calculations here. and if you disagree you are just one of god's lowest creation so go cry about it bitch.
i have another example too, and this one's my favourite example. my mother, she was the most easiest bitch I've ever seen in my life. she was a good woman, never in my life i saw her being unkind to others, she used to hide her sorrows behind a happy mask as if that makes her look less miserable. my dad's favourite sport was beating her . slapping her 10 points, kicking her 30 points, throwing her across the room - 50 points. there was a whole damn list of tortures, and the most terrifying thing about these events are not when he started to grow more violent toward her with time but it was when my mother became more tolerant with it. she used to love him so much that she accepted everything. i couldn't really watch her suffer anymore, because i refuse to believe my mother would be one of those gods lowly creature. i never loved them, i never hated them either. these emotions are two complex for my brain to process also i'm not quite fond of harbouring emotions .but i never wanted her to live in this hell either, so i did what the most responsible and caring daughter should do. i killed her. she was the first person that i murdered and also i she was the first and last person i ever have peaceful death too, what an honour right? now she's not a lowlife creation anymore.
my father ended up being the victim here for the first time ever in his life i assume. he was the prime suspect of this case- as it should be, of course no one's gonna blame a 12 year old child. he was a person who cared about his dignity more than he cared about anything else, trying to gain respect from the society all the time, pretending to be a good person, always acting like he's the pillar of modesty and molarity - these are all his traits. so he couldn't really afford the humiliation. as a result? he took his life, i was there standing- watching him from the doorway- really enjoyed that scenario. i recorded the whole thing in my small mini camera that i had at that time and would watch it over and over every time i wanted to laugh. the way his legs were shaking when he hanged himself with the fan, that was more amusing than watching pokemon, until i got bored.