"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."
~Andre Gide, Autumn Leaves
—
Solana had never felt like this for a long time. And it was a feeling she had despised, buried, and tried to forget, promising never to be subjected to its addicting allure and momentary gift of pleasure.
After coming back to the island, she rushed inside the bathroom and locked herself in. Her breaths came in short, ragged gasps, her chest rising and falling with each effort to suppress the hunger clawing its way up from the depths of her being. She leaned against the wall, her eyes shut tight, willing herself to push back the dark tide threatening to drown her—the raw, primal urge to tear into flesh and have a taste of the warm, thick liquid that immediately satiated her unending thirst.
Catching her reflection in the mirror, she saw herself not as she was now but as the creature she had been—a predator, a hunter with bloodshot eyes. It took her several millennia to overcome the bloodlust that almost drove her to lose her sanity. She wasn't going to throw all those years away just for a few hours of self satisfaction.
A sudden rap at the door made her hiss, baring her fangs as the sensation of Julian's pulse thrumming against his delicate skin came stronger than before. It pushed her to walk toward the door, her hand stopping midway from unlocking and turning the knob. She clearly pictured out her teeth sinking into his tender flesh, a revolting and, at the same time, gratifying course of action.
"Solana?" Julian called out, his voice ringing with clarity and concern. "Are you alright?"
She stared at the door, her insides churning as a turmoil of emotions made her head hazy, clouding her judgment. If she were to face her husband in her current state, she wasn't sure he'd be alive to see another day.
"Please, Solana!" he started pounding heavily on the bathroom door, demanding her to open it when she didn't immediately respond. "Talk to me, darling."
Shaking her head, Solana refused to listen. She sank on the floor and watched her hands tremble, feeling mad at herself for almost losing control and outraged that she couldn't identify any trigger for the sudden primal urge.
Just then, glimpses of Caden's blue tantalizing eyes made her slowly put the pieces together. Rewinding the events before his unwelcome appearance, Solana gritted her teeth.
He purposely threw a blade her way, knowing she'd swiftly dodge it. His intention wasn't to test her abilities.
"That blade," she murmured, finally realizing her slip-up. That blade was used to slit an animal's throat; its blood was coated into it, and if she wasn't wrong, Caden had paid a visit to Agatha, the white witch.
Like a switch, Solana instantly forgot about the bloodlust. She was consumed by so much rage, her nails had dug into her skin.
Taking a deep breath, her head held high, she got to her feet and faced the mirror. Her eyes had finally returned to their normal hue. But it did nothing to hide the anger that now oozed out of her.
"You, Solana McKenzie Austridge, is the only living vampire strong enough to stand against him," his voice echoed, fueling the fury that boiled from the depths of her soul.
Balling her hands into fists, Solana counted to five, her jaw clenched as images flashed in her head. Her past, present, and a bleak future danced in her vision, making her all the more vexed.
"Alright," she hissed, "I'm done playing nice."
Finding her resolve and confidence that she no longer posed an immediate threat against her husband, Solana opened the door. She caught Julian by surprise, his face was scrunched in worry, confusion, and anger.
"Solana," he intended to reach out, but ultimately dropped his hands awkwardly to his side. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes," she answered, pushing past him. He scoffed, cautiously watching her, following her every move, contemplating and calculating.
"Yes?" he inquired, taking slow, uncertain steps behind her while she walked briskly towards the closet.
"It's one of those days," she replied flatly, pulling out their clothes from the cabinet, tossing them onto the bed. This had her husband frowning, his swirl of emotions threatening to break his facade.
"Care to elaborate?"
She shook her head, completely focusing on the task at hand. "I don't have the luxury of time to explain, Julian and I won't apologize. Something came up, so we're leaving. Do your thing and get us out of here today. Tonight at the latest."
Infuriated, Julian grabbed her by the hand, forcing Solana to stop what she was doing and face him. "Do you think I will buy that bullshit? You've been acting strange ever since we left the yacht. You rush into the bathroom looking frenzied, then come out like nothing happened, and now you're packing? No, we're not leaving until you explain what the hell is going on."
Solana pursed her lips, gently shaking off Julian's hold on her, a menacing smile plastered on her face. She truly had no time for this. And even if she tried to explain, he would never understand nor would he even believe her.
'And it's better that he knew nothing of what I truly am.'
She studied his face, taking in the beads of sweat that began to pool on his forehead. Although she didn't intend to confront him this early, it was her only option to make him forget about what just happened. It was the only way to keep him distracted.
Raising a brow, she sat on the bed, patting the space next to her. "Sure, let's talk, Julian," she replied, her expression turning dark and deadly serious. "I believe you haven't been truly honest with me. So, let's strike a deal. You tell me what's going on with you and I'll tell you what's going on with me. Sounds fair?"
The unexpected turn of events had Julian's blood rushing to his face. As he stood there, a realization dawned in him. 'Had she known of my plans all along?' The uncertainty of what she knew and what was happening brought out a mixture of emotions that played a crucial role in how he was going to respond. His words, whatever they may be, can be double-edged and could convey a different meaning, far from what he intended to say.
His throat felt dry but he had to think fast, letting his head hang before coming toward her. He swallowed hard, his jaw clenched. He wasn't sure how to proceed but he had to learn what Solana knew or what she thought she knew. Julian needed that assurance, or he might just lose his sanity overthinking about it.
Kneeling, he decided it was best to confess. "You got me," he murmured, carefully raising his head to implore Solana's fiery expression. "I didn't mean to do it. Believe me."
Solana stared at him for a moment, sensing his distress. If she wasn't suffering from the sting of the bloodlust, she would have had a hard time hiding her smirk. It amused her how he was so keen on not getting caught when his plans had been quite obvious right from the beginning.
"And what did you do, exactly?" she answered, playing along.
Now this was the tricky part. Julian grabbed Solana's hands, clasping his over them and begged her profusely. "I'm so sorry, Solana. Please forgive me. I really didn't mean it, I swear."
Biting her lower lip, Solana had to stop the laughter bubbling to come out. Instead she stroked his hair, releasing a soft sigh.
"If this is about the fraudulent income statement you have submitted a month before our wedding, then…" she trailed off, waiting for him to look her in the eye. When he did, she reached out to him, tracing his jawline with her thumb. "That's a pity. But you should have just told me."
She watched her husband's face lit up, finally relaxing his tense muscles. "I know. It was a terrible mistake but I didn't know where to get some extra funds to help out a friend in need." He sighed dramatically pausing to gauge her reaction. "I already fixed that, Solana. I just… didn't have the courage to tell about it and it has been eating at me all this time."
Solana remained quiet. She was thinking about how easy it was to just tell the truth—for him to admit his intent and for her to let him in on the darkness that lived inside her. It will probably put a stop to his ridiculous plan to kill her for the inheritance.
But looking at his pitiful mortal state, she thought of the chaos her confession would bring—the fear she would invoke in him, the feeling of betrayal for not being honest with him, and then the rejection.
A heavy feeling settled in her chest as these realizations led to losing Julian in the process, making Solana certain that he should never know the truth. He was the only living being who gave her life a sense of purpose and belonging. Losing him now would literally be the death of her.
"It's alright, Julian. My money is your money. However," Solana clicked her tongue, narrowing her gaze as she toyed with him. "Killing me for it is a whole other story."