The weight of purpose.... An unrelenting force, day in and day out. People
get up and do "things" that bring them some semblance of hope, happiness. Those
talented few who've managed to grasp onto their purpose, learning to live under
such a weight.
I feel as though I could never bear such a burden or find something that I'm completely dedicated to. Something that gives a person a sense of meaning. The great ancient philosopher Fyodor Dostoyevsky said,
"The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding
something to live for."
But what of those who fail to find something to live for, have we failed to solve the mystery? Failed at life? So, I sleep, drink, and dream of a grand purpose. Today was different though my family normally has a, how would you describe it a relentless disappointment towards me. I'm the youngest sibling.
Though my family is as ruthless as they come. More so like hungry wolves and though they may be hungry they can't devour or rid themselves of me. The bonds of family, as some may say are unbreakable.
Normally I'd be allowed to sleep in for as long as I wanted, seeing that in my family
it was not mandated to see each other, and that they had no reason to personally check up on me.
We had maids for things like that, and the maid that normally woke me up and offered me breakfast had already performed her duty hours ago. So, I knew that the person
stomping their way up the stairs was not a maid, and I didn't have any friends
so, their left only members of my family.
Though I love being right, I had hoped that in this situation I was wrong. The person who was stomping their way up the stairs was my sister Marcella.
I knew this because I had little to no interactions with my other siblings and my parents dealt with me more in terms of summons, the way it worked was simple they'd tell a maid to go get me and I'd be forced to appear.
My train of thought was disturbed when the footsteps stopped, the person on the other side of the door attempted to open it, of course without knocking. Then in a blink
of an eye all the locks on my door, just about 10 of them were unlocked and the
door flung open. Slamming against the wall.
There she stood, my sister Marcella Nishment, A proficient user of the force, she was about 17, her height was about 5'9, her skin was very dark, with a fragile softness to it, she had long loose curly black hair, with almost transparent golden edges.
Though her eyes possessed a fierce look, all my life I've only known her to be the kindest of my siblings.
"Allister look at this!"
she said, stomping her way through my room. When she finally
reaches the foot of my bed, she flings a newspaper at me, hitting me in the face.
I pretend to be startled, awaking from my sleep.
"Damn it Marcella I'm still sleepin.."
Before I could finish what I was saying she interrupted. Clearly fully aware that I
was pretending, most likely due to her control of the force. I grit my teeth,
preparing for the coming storm.
"Pick it up, read what they're saying about our family!"
Even out of all my strange interactions with my family, this was by far the
strangest. My head was killing me, though I've been awake for a few minutes. I
wasn't in anyway prepared for this. As I look down at the many newspapers, the
title on top of the stack read
"Allister again, fails to win back the beauty of the Angelo family, shows that the Nishment's have lost their dominance"
"The title feels long winded, this writer is probably still lacking experience or
courage... whichever. I on the other hand would have said something more to the
point and daring"
I said in a hoarse voice, A smirk appearing on my face, my attempts to lighten
the mood, almost always brought a smile, if not that then a smirk to her face
but this time she appeared even angrier, something was wrong. She only gave me
such a cold look when I'd truly fucked something up.
"Oh, it's funny that you'd say that, keep looking you'll find that there are some who have your writing "courage" and flare! For the dramatic arts!!"
Her sudden yell startled me, I quickly got up, no longer caring about my throbbing
headache. Flipping through the newspaper the tittles ran as expected "Allister
fails again" "will he stop, is it true love" all of which were nothing but
shameless teasing at my expense, things that I was used to.
My nerves were calming, "is this it" I thought. Then when I got to the last newspaper, it
read "Allister is why wealth can never bridge the gap between the low born those of Propper status... the Nishment's should not be allowed into high society". The
title was credited as a quote by Gracie Angelo . The then love of my life.
"This can't be true! Gracie would never say something like this! we've known each other since childhood, played together, loved each other. These words aren't hers,
she'd never refer to me as a "low born".
I had jumped up, standing just slightly under 6"2, fiercely staring down my sister who, in
my eyes were carrying on the family business of deceit and manipulation. Her
brow scrunched together. She quickly refuted my claims of Gracie's innocence.
Stating that it didn't matter what I thought, Gracie had she said these words.
"It brings shame onto the family name. What were you thinking!! Running to her
begging to be taken back like some lost puppy. The fact that the guards of the
Angelo family, laid hands on you further shamed the family.... Look at the great shame
you've brought to this family, now everyone believes they can belittle us! Us
the mighty Nishment's builder of worlds!"
"... I don't know what to tell you, other than I didn't think this..."
She cuts me off again, yelling
"Yes you didn't think, you never do, when it comes to her. Now brother listen
closely to my words, stay away from Gracie she's now engaged. You were not
the one she chose. Use that big brain of yours to figure out a means of moving
forward. Because this behavior will not be acceptable any longer"
I couldn't take it anymore, she was scolding me like a child, like what I felt
wasn't something real. Like I could throw it away as you would throw away
trash. Belittling everything I had with Gracie. I snapped, the anger inside me
raged, like the breath of dragons.
"Just because Gracie and I aren't as Cold and cruel as all the rest of you! Doesn't
mean what we had was in anyway somehow false"
I refused to break eye contact with her, to in a way show my resolve. My
Golden-red eyes, appearing just as inflamed. It was surprising to see just how
calm and unbothered she was. Marcella was normally very emotional when it came to
family and what she viewed as our failings. Maybe she'd given up on me, the
thought bothered me, the feeling that we were growing further apart.
The stare down felt like it was going on for too long we've been staring at each other for what seemed like hours now, the fact that my words seemed to hold no weight, just further pushed me to anger and irritation, gritting my teeth and clenching my fist, in anticipation of her cold, brutally, truthful words.
I realize that my sister's use of the force allowed her to easily read my mind, but I still placed value on a strong outward persona. When she finally broke eye contact, I fought hard attempting not to give a sign of relief, feeling as though I won the altercation. The weight finally lifted off my shoulders. I could now just wait for her rebuttal, she then
reached into her bag and pulled out a holographic projector, threw it onto the bed and walked off.
"Wait..., Wait god damn it!, is that it? No big speech, wise words, warnings. Tell me what's on the holographic projector."
Questions just jumped out of my mouth, I was beyond confused, troubled by her willingness to let this matter go. From the moment of her birth, Marcella would never, has never allowed someone who damaged the name of the Nishment family go unpunished, unscarred.
This may appear cruel to some but it was who she is. So now that I
was staring at her back, as she walked away. This further proved to me that
even the person who cared about me the most in this family was now turning her
back to me.
"Marcella!"
I called out, an obvious weakness to my voice. It seems to have gained her
attention as she turned around, with her hand on the doorknob. She said...
"I never meant to hurt you, and I didn't lie to you. Allister you must brace
yourself, for what's on that holographic projector, be strong, don't fall apart. It's all just how the game of conquest is played but, little brother..., you'll always be someone special to me. But What you had with her is over. Find another purpose for your life. Move on... she has"
Her words confirmed to me that she was reading my mind, though normally I'd be livid at the thought of having my mind read. But before I could express my disappointment, she was gone.
But there was word that stuck in my head, "purpose", but before I could think more about it. The Door shuts... the room was quiet. I didn't know what to make of her words "don't fall apart" what did she mean? Her words left nothing but dread in the room. The
news article was not the worst information I'd be given this morning.
I sat down on my bed, took a few deep breaths and grabbed the holographic projector when I unlocked the screen it was Gracie she appeared to be giving a statement to news reporters, my heart sunk to my stomach, remembering that the news article title was credited to Gracie, the little hope I had inside of me started to flickered.
The whole interview was only about 8 minutes but right there at 7:31 she said the
words that broke my heart.
"Allister is why the low born should not be allowed into high society, his apparent fixation on me has been a problem for most of my life...".
"What has the Nishment family done to control his fixation on you?! were you too scared to stand up to the might of the Nishment business empire. Do you believe they are in decline?!"
Asked one of the news reporters. That was where the video stopped. I didn't have the
strength to search for the rest of the interview. I didn't know what to do. My
eyes began to blur and despite all my efforts to resist, the tears began to
fall.
As I remembered my sisters' words "grow up Allister". A great rage was
swelling inside of me without thinking I threw the holographic projector against the wall of my cave like room. Feeling no relief as it shattered. I was empty and had no will
to do anything, sleep felt like the only escape I had. My dreams seemed to be
the only sanctuary left. It took me what seemed like forever to fall asleep.
The news of Gracie's betrayal had in a sense, broken me. I spent most of the
morning twisting and turning in my bed trying not to think about Gracie. Or the
fact that yet again my failings were the talk of the galactic north.
"Damn it" I whispered underneath my covers, shaking from the rage swelling
within me, Irritated I reach up with my left hand, balled my hand into a fist
and began punching my pillow, repeatedly yelling damn it, nearly hitting my
hand on the hexagonal table, made of force heated oceanic Jewels from the
planet Tufu, a planet made up of nearly one-hundred percent water, with a
strange almost transparent light blue bottom.
As I went to resuscitate my bed and blankets after the fight we just had, a sudden feeling swept over me like I was being dragged by my feet into what felt like an abyss… sleep I thought ... or something similar had found me, finally I thought as my consciousness drifted away and I was left in a place that I knew all too well.
I'm not too big into naming things so this amazing place does not and will not have a proper name, but its best described as the place my mind comes when I've fallen asleep.
A very particular dream that I've grown so found of. That I repeatedly come here
whenever I choose to sleep, which is often. But this time it was different
instead of slowly drifting to an endless ocean bottom, while staring up, and
watching what appeared to be giant hands clasping together, then swirling until
there was only a bit of light shining through the gap at the top, I've never
been left in complete darkness as I always awake before then but watching the
gap grow smaller is always something that for some odd reason always calmed me
down, like the inevitable end of "me" in a way.
So then why the hell does it feel like I'm falling right now! everything happened so suddenly, one moment I was slowly drifting downwards but then the speed quickly hastened.
To the point that I was now sure that I was falling. But I'd argue that the falling
wasn't the strangest part, no that title went to the fact that I felt my body... I genuinely
felt my hands and feet, as though I was awake moving around, but
I was one-hundred percent sure that I'm supposed to be asleep in my bed right
now, laying on my sheets made in the human colony planet of Salarus Prime, named
after the treaty of salaras, the first treaty after the war of "Manifest" which
saw humanity take a larger bolder stance against the different species of the galaxy.
The war was humanity Manifesting itself into a dominate species among the stars,
called prime because it's the first colony planet that humanity took, in the "manifest"
war, though many historians consider it to have been more of an unprovoked show
of power against a weaker civilization it was still a momentous day for humanity.
Shit this feels too real to be just a dream my skin felt like it was being
pricked by one-thousand needles. The pain was getting to me, my inability to
catch my breath. Made the situation more disastrous. "Help! Help!" Gasping for air I called out in a scared panicked voice, unable to even hear my own cries for
help.
The longer my consciousness was allowed to linger, to grow accustomed to
this strange fall, that it felt more like a world onto itself. The more I
noticed... no noticed is not the word that properly described this situation,
it was more like a growing awareness, a feeling, that
I couldn't see, or hear anything, though my eyes were open, I couldn't see. The
more I became aware of this the more afraid I became. "Help!" I
shouted out or at least I thought I did I felt my lips move but I heard nothing, the belief that this could be a dream seemed to vanish, like a lit candle in a dust storm, on the planet máduk, notorious for its catastrophic dust storms, and monstrous creatures. That devastated the entire planet deemed uncontrollable by the galactic treaty for environmental safety (GTFES).
The realization that this wasn't a dream left only room for fear and superstition, about
what could be happening.
The tears and snot were now freezing on my face, I could no longer endure the pain, the snot inside my nose begins to freeze blocking my airway.
My Back felt as though all the flesh had been peeled off, bit by bit, leaving nothing but the feeling of numbness, though the pain subsided it left me to believe that there was nothing but bone left.
This wasn't a dream, my final realization of this left me calm
in a strange way, my muffled breathing, coupled with the fact that my lungs
felt inflamed, I realized that this was it. Seriously I always realized I would
die, but if you asked me how I'd probably tell you "Laser riffle shot
through the heart", while protecting some damsel in distress, Shit who am I
kidding I'd never say something like tha... "aaaah!!" a sudden pain in
my right lung causes me to take a large deep breath.
I won't pretend that my final moments were dignified in any way, gasping for air while the burning sensation in my lungs seemed to spread through my entire body. Still screaming with all my might.
The burning sensation clashing with my frozen body fueling my desire to live. Just a few moments ago I was the son of the Nishment family. Now I'm falling though what seems to be an endless dark tunnel, no longer bringing me that calmness that I once sought, a perversion of my happy place now turned against me.
"This is hell I've been captured by the devil!"
I attempted to scream out, but now not even my lips would move. Everything had
become stiff. Though this may be the end I was happy for it to all be over. I
remember just giving in to the numbness, that came after the battle between the
burning sensation and the endless cold that had enveloped my body. Just like
that I had found a calming sense of peac.... SMASH!!!!
I felt it no, I felt it again and again. Like my mind just couldn't handle the shock, the pain caused. The feeling of being shattered into a million pieces, left me with an ultra-alertness, an out of, out of body experience if it could be described as that. I saw things that I truly wished I never had.
I saw the "Grey man", who appeared to be a mouthless creature, with skin that looked to be made of chalk, skin so brittle yet flawless, a face that looked neither male nor female. Like whatever I saw was just my mind molding the chalk into something recognizable.
Appearing as a giant, standing in what could only be described as open space, his no its eyes appeared to be leaking a silvery black liquid, more like an abyss that had become flooded with too much.
That now it leaked out into existence itself, the creature had a reddish, bloodlike color around its protruded eyes, it now appeared to have check bones even what could be considered a jaw line, but it was like if you blinked, you'd miss its transformation. As it shifted from one facial shape to another, appearing more... human?
As I looked at this creature it was like it wasn't looking at me... but instead looking into me? My mind. The space I found myself inside could be described as having eyes with the feeling it gave off, like every part of me was being examined, what also grabbed my attention about the space was that it, could be described as many different dimensions pieced together, with what appeared like pieces of certain worlds history scattered about.
The more I looked around the more I saw, then like the last piece of the puzzle had been found. I saw it, a scene that brought tears to my eyes. No longer overcome with
the feeling of great pain, it was like I'd merged with this monstrous place and felt
the horror that had been conducted here, no longer merely physical pain I felt a great
sadness, anger, loss I felt it over a billion times a sadness that broke me
more than the endless falling, more than the feeling of my back being ripped
apart, something more had overcome me, seeing what could only be described as thousands if not millions of partially destroyed/eaten planets scattered about like used toys, that had finally found their resting place among the trash.
If even one of those planets had life on it then billions of creatures had died, I stood in the grave of billions if not more. You know humanity had become so sure that God was dead, because of how much of the galaxy we had discovered, all the different species we came across, learning about their faiths, though they called it a different name it could only be described as a god. But I was sure the creature that stood in front of me could be described as a god of someone's imaginations.
Maybe It was done, or maybe my mind had finally managed to concocted a form I found suitable to view such a being. There it existed a human boy, without a single spec of hair on his small frame and without any clue to point to the creature it truly was. We made eye contact but it appeared to have no interest in me.
I realized that I held no concept of time while in this space, nothing changes, my mind is forever stuck in awe and petrifying fear. I mustered up the courage to look around and found that I rested on what I assumed to be sand, with a path leading to what appeared to be a spherical energy ball.
"Was this the way out." I thought, the path was behind me but yet I couldn't take my eyes off this "boy" who appeared to be looking into nothingness. I slowly slide back towards the energy ball not wanting to look away from the only other life form in this hellhole.
When I finally reached the energy ball, I felt possessed I reached up with an almost inhuman speed fueled by fear and an instinctual urge to survive and grabbed the energy ball. A flash of light consumed me... but
In that split second I heard what could only be described as a monster screeching behind me.