Elena with a cigarette between her fingers, walked through the bustling and vibrant streets of Yangon with glowing confidence after the little unexpected meeting he had with Joshua, and now she found herself reflecting on the evening. She was surprised by her own reactions. Normally, her conversations were out right diabolical, unhinged and maybe even dark, but tonight, she had found herself talking with Joshua in a surprisingly relaxed and thoughtful way which isn't anything like her at all. It was a roundabout drift away from her usual style, she couldn't quite pinpoint why she felt so at ease with him.
She slowly disappeared into the night as she walked down the alley way, she felt like her head getting a bit lighter, her usual guarded demeanor softened by this enjoyable evening, she left out a soft sighs"Gosh I gotta watch out for that little man, I'm getting too soft for fuck sake." For once, the chaotic world she knew felt a little less daunting, and she couldn't help chuckles to herself.
She walked into the 8 floors apartment complex infront of her, entered her dimly lit apartment room, the power went off as usual in Myanmar, she tossed her keys onto the small, rickety desk by the window and flopped right down onto the bed. The room was as bland as a meal of boiled chicken and rice ever, but tonight, it felt like a stage for her own imaginations to run wild. The hum of the cranky and rusty air conditioning did little to drown out the moozing of her thoughts.
She rolled over, staring at the ceiling, replaying the evening in her mind. The contrast between her usual coozies and the surprisingly considerate demeanor she had shown Joshua was jarring. She let out a groan of disbelief.
"What the fuck was I doing? in fact what the fuck am I doing with my life?" she muttered to herself. "What's next? Am I going to start offering tea and cookies to everyone I meet or am I just retarded?"
Her usual thing was to be sharp, sarcastic, and unfiltered and total Kazoo. Tonight, though, she had found herself discussing Jimi Hendrix with genuine interest and talking about serious issues with a level of compassion that felt almost alien. It wasn't just the politeness; it was the fact that she had actually enjoyed the conversation.
Elena sat up, running a hand through her hair scratching her head in frustation, and reached for the pack of cigarettes she had left on the bedside table. She fumbled with the pack, her mind racing with wild thoughts,"fuck this, I hate it here". She was supposed to be the cool, detached operative, the bitchy person, the someone who didn't let personal connections cloud her judgment and decisions.
She took a long drag, staring out of the window at the city lights below. The night outside seemed indifferent to her internal turmoil. She had spent years chiseling a persona of violence and detachment, a shield against the chaos of the very reality. Tonight, though, she had let her mind go free, and it was making her vulnerable.
"What's the fuck is happening to me?" she wondered aloud face-palming. "I'm acting like I'm part of some sit-com or something."
It wasn't just the politeness that bothered her; it was the unexpected enjoyment of the conversation. Joshua had managed to make her feel something she rarely experienced—genuine amusement and a sense of connection. It was a damm reminder that even in her brittle beyond fucked up world, there was room for moments of unexpected human connection.
Elena stubbed out her cigarette with a sense of frustration and smacked the bedframe as she battles with her self- doubt. "Damn it. I need to get my shit straight. I'm not here to hook up or play nice, for fuck sake the kid looks like he's 16. I'm here to get the job done."
She stood up, pacing around the small room, trying to shake off the strange feelings from the evening. It was a battle between her usual hardened self and the softer, more human side that had emerged.
Despite her discomfort, she couldn't help but admit that the evening had been a rare and oddly refreshing, maybe even be the most fun experience she've had in years. Maybe, just maybe, there was more to her than the coolzies demeanor she wore as armor. It wasn't something she was ready to embrace fully, but it was a hint that she had a soft spot for that man than she liked to let on. With a deep breath, she just lie down and went to sleep. She tries to push tonight's encounter to the back of her mind as she tries to sleep. After all, the world she grew up in didn't leave much room for sentiment and freewill.
But as she prepared for bed, she couldn't entirely shake the thought that maybe, just maybe, it was okay to let her guard down once in a while. Even if it was just for a fleeting moment.
The next morning, Elena woke up to the muted sounds of the city stirring. She was in Myay Ni Kone neighborhood, the bright sunlight filtered through the cracks in the window blinds, casting faint lines across her bed. She stretched for a few seconds and looking at the window curtains, feeling the stiffness in her body from a restless night of battling thoughts. The memory of last night with Joshua still lingered, like a faint echo in her mind and she just let out an audible"fuck".
As she sat up, she felt hungry and got our of her apartment, walked a few block to get her now favorite spot of mohinga and breakfast place. Normally, she would have woken up with a sharp sense of purpose, ready to dive into whatever she's working on, but today felt different. The edges of her hardened shell seemed a little less jagged, softened by the realization that the messes of her world didn't always have to define her every moment.
And there she is, walking down the street getting a bite and her phone buzzed. Elena grabbed it off the desk and read the message. It was from her handler, cold and clinical as always: "New assignment. Get down to Thilawa docks by noon." She sighs as she read the massage on her flip phone, standing up to get ready. The job always came first—no matter how out of place she felt the night before.
Still, as she finishes the food, Elena couldn't help but wonder if this errand could be any different from her usual routines.
By the time she reached the docks, her usual composure was back in place. But beneath it, there was a small flicker of something new—a curiosity, maybe even a hope. Joshua had managed to awaken something in her, something she wasn't ready to let go of just yet. For the first time in years, the idea of living beyond just surviving didn't seem so absurd.