Xiao Yan entered his home with a heavy sigh, his shoulders slumping under the weight of exhaustion. The dimly lit hallway felt unusually quiet, a stark contrast to the chaotic day he had endured. The demands at work had been overwhelming, leaving him drained both physically and mentally. As he kicked off his shoes and hung up his coat, he couldn't help but think about how late it had gotten. The clock on the wall read 9 PM, a reminder of how much time had slipped through his fingers today.
The thought of cooking dinner felt like an insurmountable task. He hadn't had the energy or patience to prepare a meal just for himself, especially at this hour. He glanced towards the kitchen, considering skipping dinner altogether, but a nagging thought stopped him in his tracks—Lin Mu.
He had asked Lu Wei to look after Lin Mu for a while since he knew he'd be late. Xiao Yan was certain Lin Mu must have already eaten dinner and was likely fast asleep by now. The boy was usually early to bed, especially when Xiao Yan wasn't around to keep him up. The image of Lin Mu, sleeping peacefully, brought a small, almost imperceptible smile to Xiao Yan's lips. At least one of them could rest without worry.
However, as Xiao Yan stepped into the living room, the sight that greeted him shattered his assumption. There, on the sofa, lay Lin Mu, curled up like a child, his body contorted into an uncomfortable position. His head was resting awkwardly on the armrest, and his legs were bent in a way that made Xiao Yan wince just looking at him.
"Oh no, he's going to wake up with a terrible backache," Xiao Yan muttered to himself, shaking his head in disbelief. He approached Lin Mu quietly, careful not to startle him. "Lin Mu," he called softly, giving his shoulder a gentle shake. When Lin Mu didn't stir, Xiao Yan tried again, this time with a little more urgency. "Lin Mu, wake up."
But Lin Mu remained still, his breathing deep and even, as if nothing in the world could disturb his slumber. Xiao Yan couldn't help but marvel at how deeply the boy could sleep. It was almost as if Lin Mu had been running on empty, finally collapsing when his body could no longer keep up.
With a resigned sigh, Xiao Yan decided to let him sleep a bit longer. He went to his own room, changed into a comfortable sweater and trousers, and returned to the living room, ready to rouse Lin Mu one last time before giving up.
This time, Xiao Yan was more determined. He leaned down, shaking Lin Mu a little harder, hoping the movement would wake him. But instead of waking up, Lin Mu instinctively wrapped his arms around Xiao Yan, pulling him down onto the sofa as if mistaking him for a pillow.
The sudden, unexpected embrace sent a jolt of shock through Xiao Yan's entire body. For a moment, he was frozen in place, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. Lin Mu's face was nestled against Xiao Yan's neck, his breath warm against his skin, and Xiao Yan could feel the steady rise and fall of Lin Mu's chest against his own. The closeness was intoxicating, stirring emotions Xiao Yan had tried so hard to bury.
Despite himself, Xiao Yan couldn't ignore the feelings that surfaced. Desire, a primal and intense sensation, surged through him, catching him off guard. He had always been a man of control, keeping his emotions in check, but here, with Lin Mu so close, so vulnerable, that control began to slip.
Xiao Yan's mind raced with confusion. Why did he feel this way about Lin Mu, the boy who had caused him so much pain? Why did he want to hold him tighter, to kiss him, to explore the feelings he had kept hidden for so long? The conflict within him was almost unbearable.
"You've gone mad, Xiao Yan," he muttered under his breath, frustration seeping into his voice. "You need a doctor."
Realizing that his thoughts were leading him down a dangerous path, Xiao Yan quickly pushed Lin Mu away, trying to distance himself from the overwhelming emotions. He stood up abruptly, his face flushed with embarrassment and anger—anger at himself for feeling this way, and anger at Lin Mu for unwittingly provoking these feelings.
"Wake up, brat!" Xiao Yan hissed, his tone harsh and laced with irritation.
The sudden sharpness in Xiao Yan's voice made Lin Mu flinch, his eyes snapping open in surprise. He blinked, disoriented, finding himself lying on the sofa with Xiao Yan standing over him, a mixture of anger and something else in his eyes—something Lin Mu couldn't quite decipher.
Lin Mu's face turned a deep shade of red as he realized the position he had been in, his body practically on top of Xiao Yan's. He scrambled to sit up, his heart pounding in his chest, not just from the shock of waking up but from the embarrassment of having been caught so intimately close to Xiao Yan.
"S-sorry, Yan Ge," Lin Mu stammered, his voice barely above a whisper as he tried to regain his composure.
Xiao Yan took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "It's okay," he replied, his voice calmer now, though his heart was still racing. He couldn't bring himself to look directly at Lin Mu, afraid that his eyes might betray the confusion and desire he felt.
"Did you eat yet?" Xiao Yan asked, quickly changing the subject, hoping to shift the focus away from the awkwardness of the situation.
Lin Mu shook his head, his expression almost childlike in its innocence. "I was waiting for you," he admitted, his voice tinged with a hint of sadness. "I wanted to eat with you, Yan Ge."
Xiao Yan felt a pang of guilt twist in his chest. Here he was, thinking about skipping dinner, while Lin Mu had been waiting for him, hoping for a simple meal together. The thought made Xiao Yan feel even more exhausted, but not just from the physical toll of the day—there was an emotional weight pressing down on him as well.
"Of course, you did," Xiao Yan murmured under his breath, realizing that Lin Mu had probably been sitting there for hours, waiting. He sighed, resigning himself to the fact that sleep would have to wait. "Alright, let's eat then."
Xiao Yan headed to the kitchen, with Lin Mu trailing behind him like a lost puppy. He began gathering ingredients, his movements mechanical, his mind still reeling from the earlier encounter. As he started cooking, Lin Mu perched himself on the kitchen counter, his eyes following Xiao Yan's every move.
"Yan Ge…" Lin Mu's voice was soft, almost pleading.
Xiao Yan ignored him, focusing on the task at hand. He wasn't in the mood for conversation, especially not when his thoughts were still so jumbled.
"Yan Ge…" Lin Mu's tone became more insistent, but Xiao Yan continued to act as if he hadn't heard him.
"Yan Ge, please talk to me," Lin Mu finally cried out, his voice trembling with emotion. He hopped down from the counter and grabbed Xiao Yan's hand, shaking it gently, trying to get his attention.
Xiao Yan pulled his hand away, his patience wearing thin. "Lin Mu, I'm too tired for this right now. Just… let me cook, and we can talk later, alright?" His voice was firmer than he intended, but he was too exhausted to care.
The rejection hit Lin Mu hard, and he felt a tightness in his chest, a familiar sense of panic beginning to rise. Tears welled up in his eyes, blurring his vision as he struggled to hold them back. He felt like he couldn't breathe, the pain in his heart overwhelming him. It was as if Xiao Yan's indifference was suffocating him, crushing him under its weight.
Xiao Yan heard a soft thud behind him and turned around, only to be met with a horrifying sight—Lin Mu on the floor, gasping for breath, his hand clutching his chest. Panic gripped Xiao Yan's heart as he rushed to Lin Mu's side, his own exhaustion forgotten in the face of Lin Mu's distress.
"Lin Mu, breathe," Xiao Yan urged, his voice laced with fear as he rubbed Lin Mu's back, trying to calm him down. "It's just a panic attack. You're going to be okay. Just breathe."
Lin Mu's breathing was ragged, his sobs shaking his small frame. But the feel of Xiao Yan's arms around him, the warmth of his touch, began to soothe the storm inside him. He focused on Xiao Yan's voice, on the comfort it brought, and slowly, painfully, he started to breathe more evenly.
The tears continued to flow, though, as the pain in his heart remained. The fear that Xiao Yan hated him, that he would push him away, was almost too much to bear.
"Yan Ge… please don't hate me," Lin Mu choked out between sobs. "I didn't mean to sleep through the day… I'm sorry… I'm really sorry…" His voice was barely audible, trembling with emotion.
Xiao Yan felt a deep ache in his chest at Lin Mu's words. He didn't hate Lin Mu—how could he? The boy was too pure, too innocent to be hated. Xiao Yan knew that his own frustrations had gotten the better of him, and that he had unfairly taken it out on Lin Mu. The guilt was suffocating.
"I don't hate you, Lin Mu," Xiao Yan said softly, wiping away the tears from Lin Mu's cheeks with the back of his hand. "It's not your fault. I was just… tired and frustrated. I'm sorry I shouted at you. You didn't deserve that."
Lin Mu looked up at Xiao Yan, his eyes wide with disbelief. His Yan Ge had never apologized to him before, not like this. It made his heart swell with a strange mix of emotions—relief, gratitude, and something deeper, something that he didn't dare name.
"Now stop crying," Xiao Yan continued, offering Lin Mu a small, reassuring smile. He helped Lin Mu to his feet and guided him to a chair at the kitchen table. Xiao Yan rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a chocolate bar, handing it to Lin Mu in an attempt to cheer him up.
Lin Mu's eyes lit up as he took the chocolate. He hadn't expected such a small but sweet gesture. He unwrapped it eagerly, taking a bite and letting the rich, comforting taste calm his frayed nerves. As he munched on the chocolate, he watched Xiao Yan cook, feeling a warmth spread through his chest that had nothing to do with the food.
Xiao Yan, on the other hand, felt a sense of relief wash over him as he saw Lin Mu calming down. The kitchen was filled with the sound of gentle sizzling and the rich aroma of food cooking, a soothing backdrop to the tension that had just passed.
Half an hour later, the two were seated at the dining table, and Lin Mu's eyes widened at the sight of the meal before him—shrimp fried rice, his absolute favourite. The sight of it made his mouth water, and he couldn't help but wonder how Xiao Yan always seemed to know exactly what he wanted.
"Thank you, Yan Ge," Lin Mu said, his voice full of gratitude as he dug in. The first bite was heavenly, filling his senses with a familiar and comforting taste.
Xiao Yan watched him eat, hiding the small satisfaction he felt at seeing Lin Mu so happy. Even though he tried to maintain his aloof demeanour, Xiao Yan always remembered the little things Lin Mu liked, even if he didn't show it outwardly. It was his way of caring without letting Lin Mu get too close.
After dinner, Xiao Yan washed the dishes, his mind still preoccupied with the events of the night. He went to feed Lia, their cat, petting her gently and placing a soft kiss on her head. Lin Mu watched from the doorway, his heart aching at the sight. The tenderness Xiao Yan showed the cat was something Lin Mu longed for himself. He wanted that same affection, that same love, but it always seemed just out of reach.
Lin Mu's thoughts spiralled as he watched Xiao Yan care for the cat. He wanted so desperately for Xiao Yan to hold him, to kiss him, to love him with the same tenderness. But every time he tried to get closer, Xiao Yan seemed to pull away, erecting walls that Lin Mu couldn't break through. It was a painful, endless cycle of longing and rejection.
"Where are you lost?" Xiao Yan's voice snapped Lin Mu out of his thoughts, making him realize he had been staring for too long.
"Ah, sorry," Lin Mu muttered, quickly averting his gaze. His face flushed as he caught sight of Xiao Yan's exposed collarbone, the hint of skin sending his mind racing with unbidden thoughts.
"Let's go," Xiao Yan said, placing Lia on her bed and heading toward his room. He was fully aware of Lin Mu's lingering gaze, but he chose to ignore it, knowing that nothing good would come from acknowledging it.
As Xiao Yan turned to leave, Lin Mu couldn't resist one last act of defiance against his own restraint. He leaned in and pressed a quick, soft kiss to Xiao Yan's cheek, his heart racing as he did so. Xiao Yan flinched, surprised by the unexpected contact, but before he could react, Lin Mu had already bolted to his room, slamming the door shut behind him.
Xiao Yan touched the spot where Lin Mu's lips had brushed his skin, feeling a strange mix of emotions he couldn't quite name. "He won't change," he said to himself, shaking his head as he retreated to his own room.
As Xiao Yan lay in bed that night, he couldn't shake the feeling that things were spiralling out of control. The more he tried to distance himself from Lin Mu, the more the boy clung to him, desperate for a love that Xiao Yan couldn't bring himself to give. He knew he needed to keep his distance, not just for his own sake, but for Lin Mu's as well. He didn't want to hurt Lin Mu with false hope, didn't want to see those bright eyes dimmed by disappointment.
But as he stared at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts, Xiao Yan realized that staying away was easier said than done. Every time he tried to push Lin Mu away, something pulled him back in. And with every touch, every stolen glance, Xiao Yan felt himself slipping further into the tangled web of emotions that he had spent so long trying to avoid.
Tomorrow, he told himself, things would be different. He would put more distance between them, create a boundary that Lin Mu couldn't cross. But even as he made that promise to himself, Xiao Yan knew deep down that it was a promise he wasn't sure he could keep.