Chapter Twelve
I threw myself onto my bed, physically and mentally exhausted from that situation where our hearts almost reached our throats, and our nerves were stretched to the limit. I changed into the brown athletic clothes I had brought with me, as did my comrades, since sportswear was the most available and cheapest option. I noticed that Boris had already fallen asleep. As I lay on my bed, I began to question whether the 200 Dumon they paid us each month was worth all this trouble. When payday arrived, some received their wages in an envelope, along with letters from their families. Some took what they needed and sent the rest home with a letter. I intended to do the same, as over the past few months, I had saved more money than I needed. But the real challenge was staying alive, and that was much harder than keeping the money under my bed. After a bit of thinking, I drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion.
I woke up in the evening, feeling dizzy, with a foul mood and a slight headache. Boris wasn't in the barracks, but it wasn't yet time for dinner.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror. My short hair was in its usual disheveled state. I wet it and used the only comb in the place, which was missing some teeth. I sat down at the table and placed my bowl, containing a piece of bread and some bad potato soup with an excess of acidity due to the old tomato sauce used in it. Amidst the noise, someone sat beside me. From the sound of their bowl hitting the aluminum table, it seemed they weren't in the best mood. I looked at him and saw Nikolai biting into his bread after a spoonful of soup, with clear displeasure. I asked him, "What's wrong?"
He looked at me, then continued eating reluctantly. A minute passed before he suddenly stopped, staring ahead. He put his hands on his face, resting his elbows on the table. I continued eating, and after a while, he muttered, "The Union? What does that scoundrel mean?"
"Hmm?" I said, putting a piece of bread in my mouth. He glanced at me, then returned to his frustration. Apparently, my appearance at that moment only made him more disheartened. He said, "I talked to that Boris."
Swallowing quickly, I asked, "Really?" I considered this a good sign.
"Yes."
"Well, that's great."
"No, we almost got into a fight."
"Why? For the love of the mountain?"
"That idiot keeps saying things that make no sense."
"Like what?"
"You wouldn't understand anyway."
He tried to get up, but I grabbed his hand, looking at him. "Nikolai... tell me."
He briefly told me about the conversation between him and Boris, which almost led to a fight. Boris insisted that our presence here was meaningless, unrelated to the Northern uprising. Nikolai, on the other hand, was adamant that we were part of a broader operation to curb and cut off the sources of Gagani terrorism caused by extremists in this country.
As for me, I honestly didn't know what was happening. I wasn't sure which side was right, or if both were wrong. But the main point of contention was the presence of the Roskan Union. Why would the Union be in Kakan, as both Jashmet and that other man mentioned earlier? If that's the case, then why are we here? There's no strategic relationship between the Union and Sukania here. If you think about it, it's in Sukania's best interest for us to stay here, considering they've been a long-time ally of Gagan. But it's not in their interest for the Union to be here, as it's like leaving someone untrustworthy at your doorstep, especially with the Union's massive military power, which is the strongest after the Land of the Iron Eagle of Freedom. Honestly, I don't understand a thing about all this political nonsense. Everything's gotten mixed up for me. All I know is that I came here with a purpose.
Wait! What purpose?
Didn't I promise Reem that I wouldn't return until the River Vremya flowed as it used to? And the river has shrunk due to the Northerners controlling the dam. But what am I accomplishing by staying here if it has nothing to do with the promise I made? My heart began to tighten more. Nikolai left after telling me what had happened, and I remained silent in my thoughts.
He remained steadfast in his belief, but he left me in a state of confusion. Where will this lead, and what might happen? What can I do? I won't deny that receiving money and the feeling of being different gave me a sense of power. It numbed me from my real goal.
In truth, I knew from the start that my going to Gagan had nothing to do with the promise I made to Reem. But it seems I was too weak to refuse, too pathetic to think, too cowardly to make a decision. Simply put, I was afraid to return. I know that if I do, I'll feel like I'm going back to my old self... back to being trash, something worthless.
I failed miserably in my studies, never made friends, and my debts grew beyond my means. But I've realized one thing: everything I've done wasn't for my country. In my eyes, I'm certain that this country and everyone in it aren't worth losing a single hair for. But I know that if that hair belonged to Reem, many things would change. And to me, that's more than enough. Yet there's one thing I cannot escape: I need to leave this place as soon as possible.