Hey, hey!
I hope that the new year is treating you all well!
Me?
I've been just fine, busy as all hell, but all good!
I wanted to thank you all for reading along and remaining so loyal to this weird little series.
You all keep me going, you know?
My analytics tell me that 28.57% of you are reading from right here in the U.S.A. while 14.27% are in Kenya, and the other 57.14% are unknown lol.
That is soooooooo cool to me.
The fact that there are a few people in other countries who care to read along...that blows me away.
What is so interesting about the past of this random Millennial?
I am honored that you bothered to give this your time and attention for so long lol.
I appreciate it.
More than you know.
Young me would have loved the...affirmation?
I don't know.
But thank you kindly.
I will leave you with that lol.
See you all back here shortly!
Enjoy.
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March 11th, 2013.
Journal #053.
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Too much time seems to pass between my entries.
Hmmm.
It's been a very long day.
In short?
No taxes this year.
-hope it's fixed next year.
-XXXXX's basement leaked sewage...long work process that I'm so glad is over...
-Still with XXXXX.
She's a good woman. I'm just not a good man...I feel that way.
I hate money...
I hate it, but in order to survive?
I need it.
I just need to find balance...
I continue to hold on to my faith that everything will work out.
That I'll be fine...but I'm tired.
I'm stressed.
I know "It's life" but it sucks.
I have so much to do...so much to do, so much to pay.
So little money.
So little work.
So little inspiration.
I need something to change and I need it soon.
Maybe a solid weekend job?
Extra money.
MONEY will solve my problems sadly...
Ugh!!!
I need to save yet I have so many stupid bills.
-School.
-Hospital.
-Loan.
I need to get to the dentist...
I need to escape this cage that I've put myself into...
I need to just get out...
I can only pray for so much before I feel selfish...
I'm grateful for my health though.
At least I can control that much of my life...
I don't care about material things.
I don't care about meeting the "love of my life."
I just want to get out.
To be stable and independent and happy...
I just want my life to be a bit more fulfilling...
Like I've always said:
"Life gives you everything you could ever want, but only half of it."
So be that as it may, I can only blame myself for where I am in life.
For where I am NOT going.
For the goals I've never met.
For the moves I've never made...
I need to be a better me...and it's driving me crazy because the me that I am feels like nothing...
I say it all the time...
I need to change...
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I still don't think that I write enough even to this day lol.
Old habits, yeah?
-I was never good at getting my taxes done, you know?
I was simply never shown how to get them done or who to seek help from.
I sure as hell wasn't going to attempt to do them myself.
Now I just use Turbo Tax lol.
-I remember the day that my stepdad's basement flooded over with sewage...
Yeah...horrible.
To make it worse, he was so old school that he would rather take care of it himself -with aid from at least one of his "stepchildren"-
Me...
It was me.
Bucket after fucking bucket of shitty piss...
Pissy shit?
I don't know, but it was slush and horrifying...
To make it worse?
(How could carrying buckets of human waste get worse you ask!?)
While I was heaving my fifth or sixth bucket up the stairs and out into the yard, who should greet me as I emerged from the dark, dank basement?
A fucking fully armed and armored S.W.A.T. Team!
I kid you not.
The lot of them -maybe five plus a Detective- had formed a semi-circle around the door that I had just stepped out of.
All of their weapons were drawn and pointed at me.
A bunch of rifles, some sort of AR no doubt, and the Detective's pistol...
More than enough for a single negro with a bucket full of shit, I tell you.
What was going on you ask?
My brother had essentially escaped from prison by refusing to get back on the bus after his work shift, and guess who just happened to be at the one address that he had given the cops?
This dude.
Yes.
Me.
That's a story for another time.
-I realize now that I used to tell myself that I wasn't a good guy quite often.
That sucks.
I would like to clarify that I meant it in a "I'm not worthy" kind of way, and not as in "I am a shitty human."
I was never the most confident kid growing up, you know?
Poverty played a decent part in that.
Other kids were not very kind to the kid with clothes that were twice the needed size and more naps than a K4 class at midday.
It was tough lol.
And as I grew up, I think I just chose young women who didn't have my best interest in mind, you know?
I was too kind and too quixotic to see the forest for the trees at times.
-I still am not fond of money folks. It sucks to not have enough.
That's it lol.
I don't need to explain poverty lbvs.
-I know I had a horrible habit of worrying too much.
I think too much, and I hate it.
I can't be the only one.
I am still this way to a degree, you know?
I have learned to not worry so much about things that I needn't.
It is much easier said than done lol, but It brings me a bit of peace.
-I was also never taught or demonstrated financial balance.
These are things that I struggle with to this day, not only from poor parenting but my own choices as well.
Life is a series of just that, choices.
-I was raised in a household that was steeped in Pentecostal lore and fellowship.
Until we converted to Baptist lbvs.
Yeah, it was quite an upbringing.
Somewhere around 16, I began to study Faeology and I quickly found that I not only believed in so much more than just a single God.
That is also a story for another time lol.
I am spiritual.
We can leave it at that for now.
-For a 36-year-old, I am pretty healthy!
I was into skateboarding and martial arts a lot as a kid and well into my 20s.
Hell, I still roll around on my longboard when the Wisconsin weather permits.
Maybe that is why this body of mine is still in good form.
I am blessed to be as fit as I am.
I hope this good health lingers so that I can finish at least my main series One Last Knight.
That's all I really pray to the Universe for these days lbvs.
-I am not materialistic, nor have I ever been.
I AM a bit impulsive when it comes to things that I love though lol.
-I love to love, you know? It is a beautiful thing when gifted and tended to properly can become something beyond my words to describe.
Maybe go read some of my poetry lol I tried to describe it as best I could.
-I still kind of believe that life only gives us half, you know?
At least it seems to be this way for me.
Dream job-->shitty pay.
Dream girl-->shitty relationship.
Things like that.
Or maybe those people and jobs were not the ones I was destined for?
I don't know.
Not all of my past jobs and relationships were shit, and I have learned my fair share of lessons.
I just wonder what some things would have been like had I made different choices.
Loved different people.
Left my hometown for once to live somewhere else.
Who knows?
I do believe that everything happens for a reason, both good and bad.
Such is life.
-I tend to be rather hard on myself...I should have been a bit harder on myself for the past decade.
I let myself become a shell of what I once was while chasing something that I could never catch, and could never bring myself to accept.
I need to be hard on myself because for too long I relied on someone else to be.
Go read my poetry! lol
-A part of me is stuck in drive, you know.
I have this weird thing about not reaching a sturdy ledge and getting too comfortable during the climb...forever onward and onward.
Just like the persistent goat that I am.
Such a Capricorn am I lol.
-I think I have come to the conclusion that I am just me lol.
That is all I will ever be until the day that I am no longer breathing.
Then maybe I'll reincarnate?
Who knows?
I will see you all back here soon enough If I haven't scared you all off by now lol.
Safe travels out there folks, and as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.