I hope this finds you all well.
I ironically have not been very well...
And you know what?
That's okay.
It's okay to not be okay, you know?
I won't keep you all.
I hope you all have been happy, healthy, and prosperous.
Enjoy.
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January 4th, 2012.
Journal #004.
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Today I wanted to kill myself today.
That's about it...
Long, stupid end to a decent day.
Thanks XXXXX...
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Looking back now...I have no recollection of what this particular incident was about, but me not wanting to be alive over it seems pretty dang serious.
I do know that this XXXXX is the very same ex of mine who was pregnant at the time with my child, so I was quite possibly in the wrong and being over dramatic.
I said today twice in that first sentence...
To me that says that I was probably pretty angry when I wrote this.
I hate the idea that there was a possible future in which SHE read this, and I had killed myself...
Seriously, that bothers me a lot.
Mostly because she would have had to live with that, and that is beyond not fair.
I would never venture to say that suicide is wrong.
I will say that -in my opinion- it is selfish.
But shouldn't it be?
Life is nothing if not a series of short stories generated by our everyday choices.
Is not choosing to "log out" one of those choices?
We must be fair in that we only believe it so bad.
So cruel.
So taboo.
Because WE hurt after the person has gone.
Because WE have to live on without them.
Because WE feel as if WE could have and should have done more.
Is that not selfish in itself?
Life is beautiful but it is complicated.
XXXXX if you are reading this...
I am sorry.
Whatever it was, I am sorry.
That choice would have been mine and mine alone.
Sorry to get all heavy folks.
Or not.
You signed up for this cathartic ride.
See you soon folks.
-Redd.