12 years is a long stretch of time.
I wonder how I felt when/if I read those old journals back when I was 22.
Back when I was writing THESE journals, you know?
I wonder if I wrote something about how I felt lol
I wonder if, in another ten years, I will be posting "old" journals from 2023 online like this.
I wonder how it will feel to know that I was waiting for me to come back and read this post from 2024 and feel some strange sense of awe and detachment...
I am sure we will see with time.
I think that I think too much...
I read somewhere once a poem or quote-like thing. I remember a part of it, or at least loosely how it went.
"I thought a thought. But the thought I thought I thought, wasn't the thought I thought.
If the thought that I thought that I thought, had been the thought I had thought. I wouldn't have thought so much..."
That stuck with me young me for some strange reason.
But who knows? I probably just overthought it...
I won't keep you.
I know what you came for, and it's not my ramblings lol.
Enjoy.
PS. If you see a "*" next to the "XXXXX" that replaces a name. this is introducing a new person, and they shouldn't be confused with someone from a past chapter.
-----
January 2nd, 2012.
Journal #002.
-----
So I seen *XXXXX today.
It was interesting, to say the least.
I love her daughter. She is very cute and very funny.
It didn't turn out how I would have liked, but that's life.
XXXXX had to do his typical "steal the spotlight" act, and all seems to just fall into his favor...
I'm not one for jealousy, but it is biting me hard right now...and I don't know why...
My heart is calling out for her for some reason and it's annoying as shit.
I need to be better this year...stronger.
I can't allow these kinds of things -to- get me down.
It's just annoying is all...
So much that I hate to sit here and write about it...
I don't know why it bothers me so much. But it does...I need to shake this off.
-----
You know?
I do know why it bothered me so much.
I think I did back then as well, I just didn't know how...okay, I didn't have the courage to say it to myself back then...
But I will now.
Because I do now.
I was super jealous and hurt by the fact that that child went to him and not me when given the chance and choice.
I know that sounds shallow, and maybe it is.
But several things played into it:
1. I was a Teacher...so I think that I was just so used to children being drawn to me that that was a shock to my system.
2. I didn't have a child/children at that point, and I lived with perpetual baby fever. I live with it to this day, still not having a child as of 2024, unfortunately.
3. At that point -my best friend- he had a child or two already, and I thought that it was well beyond my time to be a parent. I don't know...pride? Envy?
It all just pissed me off so much.
I remember that day vividly.
That feeling.
I didn't want her or anything to do with her in that manner. I wasn't attracted to her in any way.
I just wanted that feeling of a family...I don't know If -at that moment- I cared that she would be the co-parent.
she just happened to be a childhood friend so I think that mayhap some sort of veil of nostalgia may have swept over me.
Not much of a story there.
I think that that child may have been his by blood.
A bit of a plot twist, yeah?
I don't know though.
Neither of them ever confirmed it.
To ME at least.
See you soon folks.
-Redd.