Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted
In my brain still remains
Within the sound of silence
~ Sounds of Silence; Simon and Garfunkel
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Anko didn't get back to the village till late, and arranged to meet me early the next morning for a briefing slash mission handover.
I wasn't exactly thrilled about that, but it was a mission, so I couldn't complain, could I?
The village was beautiful at sunrise – I could appreciate that – but it was also cold, and I strode along with my shoulders hunched and my hands shoved into my pockets.
The tower at this time of morning was almost eerily quiet – not deserted, but it lacked the normal bustle of activity. Everything seemed muted and dim; foreboding, like you weren't meant to be here at all.
But I was, so I lifted my shoulders, rolled them into a position of confidence, and pushed open the door. Inside, it was just as quiet, the bare bones of a night shift skeleton staff whiling away the hours. I nodded to the Chunin at the front desk, and wound my way through the corridors to the briefing room.
Naruto wasn't there yet and I wondered if I should have swung by his apartment to make sure he was awake. But Naruto had never been late to any of our team meetings, or had problems with early mornings, so I didn't really doubt that he'd get here.
"Morning," I greeted the rest of the team, voice quiet.
Ino smothered a yawn behind her hand. "Hey. I didn't realise you were coming to this meeting too."
I shrugged, turning to Anko.
"Saves time," the Special Jounin said, snapping the scroll she was reading closed with a sharp flick of her wrist. There was a small frown creasing her forehead, and she looked tired. Not just dawn-o'clock-wake-up-tired, but pulled-an-all-nighter-tired.
"Nara. You're taking over watching Yakumo until I get back. Lucky for you, you're already informed about the situation." She smirked, briefly. "It's classed as an escort mission, Level Three security restrictions."
Security levels started at Level One (Non-resident; No Access) to Level Two (Resident; Low Access) - which was what Konoha citizens were by default – to Level Three (Shinobi; Low Access) and up to, supposedly, Level Ten for the Hokage. In general promotions in rank went hand in hand with promotions in security clearance, though it was more of a correlation than a causation. You could have one without the other. Clan shinobi tended to rank up faster than first generation ninja, as a simple matter of fact, which might not have been fair but was what it was.
Level Three was Academy students and Genin, mostly. Which was interesting, because it treated Yakumo like a reasonably trusted member of the village. I might have been a Level Four, depending on paperwork, though Tsunade was being pretty lenient with us at the moment in regards to what we were supposed to know.
"No house arrest?" I asked curiously.
"That's been lifted," Anko said, bracing a hand against the side of her neck and cracking it. "There've been no repeat incidents, but if there are, you're authorised to use all necessary force." She pulled a scroll and set of notes out of her pocket. "These are the chakra restriction seals that have proven to be effective on her transformation. They should be your first resort."
I took them and nodded crisply. I didn't want to hurt Yakumo. That was the last thing I wanted.
Also? Chakra restriction seals? Sounded pretty damn amazing and I was thrilled to be able to have a look at them. How did they work? How strong were they? Would they be able to, say, stop a Jinchuriki from transforming? Maybe not, but Jiraiya had made seals that could do that; were these the same type of thing?
Getting my hands on these was worth a week and a half of downtime, no question.
"Your shift ends at curfew, after which Yakumo will remain inside. Night time monitoring is handled separately. Unkai has raised the possibility of her moving back to a less isolated part of the compound, so you might have to liaise with him about that."
I nodded, accepting the information. It all sounded fairly straight forward, really.
Any further questions I had were cut off as Naruto burst through the door, unrestrained and energetic despite the hour. "Good morning!" He hollered cheerfully.
Ino sighed, chin dropping into her palm. "Not so loud," she admonished.
Anko smirked. "Well someone is enthusiastic," she said. "I guess that's something." She caught my eye and tilted her head towards the door. "We can start the mission debriefing now."
That was my cue to leave, obviously.
I glanced over at Ino. I wanted –
I wanted to tell Naruto to look out for her. I wanted to tell Ino to look out for him. I wanted to tell Shino to look out for them both. To make sure that they would be okay.
I didn't. That would have been so insulting. They all knew to do that anyway. They all would. And… they could look out for themselves. They weren't helpless, not now, not ever.
They didn't need me trying to interfere to protect them.
The thought made something weigh heavy inside my chest, press up against the backs of my eyes. I blinked, swallowed, and pushed it away and down so quickly it barely had time to register.
"Good luck with your mission," I said, the rasp to my voice no worse than usual.
Sheesh, what had that been about?
.
.
I went home for breakfast because it was still well before I had to go to Yakumo. I was a little annoyed that I'd had to get up so early when it wasn't really necessary, actually, because that debriefing had taken all of about ten minutes.
"A mission, already?" Mum said, with a sniff of disapproval. "You'd think they'd give you some down time after rushing around all yesterday."
"It's only an in-village escort," I said. "It barely counts. Personally, I think Tsunade-sama is just trying to extend my medical leave as long as possible."
Not that she really needed excuses, if Tsunade didn't want me taking missions, I wouldn't be taking missions. End of story. I was actually glad that if I was on Tsunade's radar, it wasn't in that way.
That would be … problematic.
"Thought you were busy working on research stuff," Shikamaru said casually, which meant it wasn't.
"I am," I countered, equally casually, and aimed more for sarcastic than passive-aggressive. "There's this thing called multitasking, where you do more than one thing at once. I know it must seem strange to you, since you try and avoid even one task at a time…"
Shikamaru snorted.
"No fighting at the table," Mum said, waving a wooden spoon threateningly in our direction.
I smiled at her. "Us, fighting? Too much effort, mum."
I really had to work on my deflections. It seemed like no one was buying them, ever.
I bowed away from the table, grabbed my bag, and left. It was still a little early for me to be going, but I could take the long way around. Maybe pick up something for Yakumo in town. Make it seem a little more like I was a visiting friend, not a jailor.
Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot open because of the early hour. And I had no idea what Yakumo would like anyway. In the end, I spotted a bakery that had light spilling out of the door, and brought a tray of dango and some sweet bean buns.
I went to the Kurama compound and followed the directions on the mission scroll to Yakumo's house. It… wasn't what I expected. Frankly, it looked like a mansion, and I would probably have assumed it was the house of the head of the clan, if I hadn't known otherwise.
My sensing told me that there was no one inside but Yakumo, and even her chakra was muted with sleep. I considered knocking, but I didn't want to wake her up.
On the other hand, letting myself into someone else's house felt a little weird, even if I had a key and permission.
There was a pair of muddy shoes haphazardly lying in the genkan, and I straightened them out of habit. The mud on them was still damp. That was interesting – it implied they'd been worn very recently. They were Yakumo's size, however. I set the food down in the kitchen, and ghosted through the house, performing a quick perimeter check and scan.
Yakumo was asleep and there was no one else in the house.
It was a large house and felt very empty. I settled awkwardly on the couch in the living room, and pulled out the seals and a notebook, carefully keeping half my attention on the sleepy presence of Yakumo's chakra.
The seals were fascinating. After about an hour, I was pretty confident that I could recreate them. I'd made copies, anyway. I thought I'd made a good job at translating parts of the seal, but I wanted to look up a few parts in my Sealing Styles book – I was sure Jiraiya had said something about them. They were done in the common Konoha style, and it had taken me an embarrassingly long time to arrive at the conclusion that the common Konoha style? Was Jiraiya's style. It was the common Konoha style because it was Jiraiya's style. The mess with the explosive tags yesterday and the old style of the seals on them had reminded me that sealing styles changed over the years, which I knew, I just hadn't connected that to it changing because of a new seal master.
Unfortunately, that book was still with Tenten, so I'd have to go and find her to get it back.
Upstairs, Yakumo was waking, chakra beginning to move around. I contemplated leaving and knocking on the door like I'd just got here, but it felt… dishonest. Not that simply being here was much better, but at least it wasn't a lie.
"Oh," Yakumo said, as she shuffled down the stairs sleepily. She was wrapped up in a set of traditional sleepwear and a housecoat, hair ruffled and unbrushed. "Good morning. Anko told me you were coming." She yawned, and rubbed at her eyes. "Sorry, I was asleep. We didn't get in till late. Did you want something to drink? Tea?"
I smiled up at her and the attempt to be a good host. "Good morning. It's fine – I hope you don't mind that I let myself in. I brought some dango and buns; I didn't know what you'd like."
I put the book down, and shuffled into the kitchen with her, offering to help make breakfast.
"What happened last night?" I asked curiously.
Yakumo blinked at the counter, picked up a cup, put it back down again, and reached for a bowl instead. "I was with Anko-sensei," she said. "We were on patrol? Because a criminal stole something yesterday, and she had to go and look for him. But she was also supposed to be watching me, so she took me with her." She seemed pleased with that.
"Ah," I said, nodding. "Tsunade-sama did say she was on patrol." I wasn't totally sure that taking Yakumo with her fit the whole 'escort/protection detail' thing, but that had been Anko's choice. It didn't seem to have done any harm. "That must have been hard."
"I liked it," Yakumo said. "It reminded me… why I wanted to be a ninja all those years ago. Not just to bring honour to the clan, but to help protect and defend people."
Personally, I thought patrol was really boring – necessary, but boring – but if it helped her, then more power to her.
"I am tired, though," she said sheepishly. "I haven't done that much exercise since training with Kurenai-sensei… Anko-sensei had to carry me home."
I smiled at her. "That just comes with training," I said. "I'm sure you'll manage in no time."
I expected a quiet day after that, and I wasn't wrong. After breakfast was cleared away, I asked Yakumo what she usually did all day.
"Paint, mostly," she said quietly, and lead me to a room dedicated to her hobby. I looked around while she slipped away to get changed.
Some of these were really gorgeous.
"What do you do with them all?" I asked, when she'd come back. "Sell them?"
Yakumo shrugged. "Uncle does sometimes, I think. I hang some of them up… but mostly I just paint over them and start again."
That was sad.
"That's a shame. They're beautiful," I said. "I would totally buy some of these."
There was one, still sitting on the easel, of a bunch of girls in a park. I could see the splash of familiar purple denoting one figure, and thought I knew who it represented.
"It's not finished," Yakumo said, a flush rising over her cheeks. "But… you can have it when it is."
"Are you sure?" I asked. "Because I wasn't joking. I would pay for it." I didn't want her to feel obligated. And there was a hazy line about receiving gifts on duty. I didn't want it to be misinterpreted.
"Yes," Yakumo said. "A… gift. For a friend."
"Then I'd be honoured," I said. And since she was here, I couldn't resist asking her about her paintings. First the more mundane questions, like what types of paints she liked to use, and the kinds of things that she liked to paint.
"Have you ever used chakra ink?" I asked, watching her mix paint. I'd found a place to sprawl on the floor, comfortably browsing my own books. "It's what I use for seals."
"Yes," she replied affirmative. "It makes chakra conduction easier, but it is limiting. I like to use colours, and coloured ink is hard to come by. It doesn't really make the genjutsu much stronger, anyway."
Given how hard they had been to break already, I supposed she didn't really need the extra boost. They would either work on someone, or they wouldn't, and that small amount of improvement would make virtually no difference.
"Do you infuse your own chakra into it?" I asked curiously, because that was what I was really curious about.
Seals didn't run solely on the casters chakra, they took in natural energy as fuel. But I hadn't felt any such thing while she was painting during our spar. The genjutsu had – maybe – influenced the natural energy, or been carried on it, but it hadn't been fuelled by it.
"Yes," she said, casting me a slightly confused look. "While I paint. This one isn't like that, though. This is… just a painting."
Not entirely like seals, then. But not entirely unlike seals, either.
Of course, if it ran off of her chakra, then there was the risk of the technique running out of chakra. I … hadn't been paying attention to how much it had taken for her to maintain, or if it had just taken a certain amount to activate. It couldn't have taken that much, not the amount I would have expected for a genjutsu of that level, or she wouldn't have managed it at all.
I chewed on the tip of my pen, thinking.
"Could someone else use one of your genjutsu?" I asked. "Like, you paint it, but someone else activates it at the end? Or does it have to be you, all the way through?"
Yakumo paused. "I've never tried," she said, sounding surprised. "I don't know."
"Huh, okay." It was possible it wouldn't work, since it didn't seem to work the same as fuuinjutsu. But it was worth a try.
What I really wanted to ask about was the alter-ego she had, and how she was dealing with that and all its associated revelations, but it wasn't exactly the kind of thing that came up easily in casual conversation. I was probably pushing the limits of propriety by asking about her jutsu in the first place.
After lunch – eaten late because breakfast had been late – she asked me to train with her.
I was a little surprised.
"Anko-sensei has been teaching me how to tree-walk," Yakumo said, looking down. "I want to keep practicing."
"Yes, of course," I said. Chakra control exercises were cake. I could show her enough chakra control exercises that they started coming out her ears.
I guessed part of it was also that Yakumo was lonely. I'd thought she must be; I'd only been here a morning and the mansion seemed huge and empty to me. I'd have probably gone mad if I'd had to live there alone.
"I know it's strange… that I want to be a ninja when all I can really do is genjutsu," she said. "But there used to be a boy at the Academy who was trying to become a ninja with only taijutsu, so it's not so different, is it? I wonder what happened to him…"
I blinked. "You mean Lee? Rock Lee? He graduated the Academy last year. He's a Genin right now."
She looked at me in wonder. "So he did it," she breathed. "It is possible."
I had to wrap my head around the idea of a world where Lee was somebody's hero. That wasn't fair, exactly, because Lee was excellent but… It was Lee.
"Did you want to meet him?" I asked, before I really considered it. "I think he's in the village right now. I'm sure he's love to meet you."
I wasn't even joking. Lee would love her determination to be a ninja despite shortcomings. They had the same dream, just from different angles.
"Do you think that's possible?"
"Sure," I said. "I even have to talk to one of his team mates soon, so you'd probably be doing me a favour if we went together." Otherwise I'd have to wait until after curfew set in, or until my job here was over completely. And who knew where Tenten would be at that point.
Yakumo hesitated, then nodded firmly. "Yes. Let's go."
I knew where Team Gai trained, so that was my first choice of place to try and find them. I didn't actually know where Lee lived, so if they weren't there, things might get tricky.
They were though. I felt their chakra before I set foot in the Training Field, and I hovered by the edge a little nervously. I didn't want to walk straight into the middle of a fight – that was both rude and dangerous – but what could I do to attract their attention?
I didn't need to, it turned out. Tenten jumped down from the tree tops, rolling up one of her long scrolls and walked towards us.
"Saw me here, hey?" I asked.
"Neji did," Tenten replied with a shrug. "The boys are going at it, so you don't want to end up in the middle of that." She glanced curiously at Yakumo.
Right. They hadn't met.
"This is Tenten, she was away on a mission last week, so she wasn't at the kunoichi group. But she's amazing with thrown weapons, she probably has the best accuracy out of all the Genin in Konoha." I hoped that didn't sound too over the top. "And this is Yakumo. She's training to be a ninja right now. Uhm. Is Lee free for a few minutes?"
Tenten's eyebrows jumped upwards. "Lee? Well. Okay. Sure, let me break the fight up?"
She leapt back into the forest to find her teammates, and in a couple of minutes all five of us were standing around awkwardly.
I cleared my throat. "Yakumo is training to become a ninja specialised in the art of genjutsu. Or rather, using only genjutsu. She'd heard about the fact that you managed to become a ninja using only taijutsu, Lee."
"It's very impressive," Yakumo said, clasping her hands together and bowing. "It gives me hope that I, too, might be successful."
Neji and Tenten looked rather like I'd felt – like they needed to readjust their world view a fraction. I was glad that Neji was starting to change, actually, because if he'd said something about fate and worthlessness of attempting it, I would actually have had to kill him.
"That is splendid!" Lee said, giving her a thumbs up, and a bright, sparkling grin. "To overcome such an obstacle requires incredible determination. You must be working very hard!"
"I have been trying," Yakumo said.
And it was hard, obviously, to keep training when you had no goal and no hope that things would ever change. The fact that she had anyway was probably more than I would have done without some kind of outside push.
"She's been learning tree-walking," I volunteered, on her behalf.
Lee took the invitation like the champ he was. "That is fantastic! Please come and show me!"
"Wow," Tenten muttered, shaking her head, as the two of them walked away, Yakumo looking hesitantly over her shoulder at me. I waved.
"Yep," I agreed. "She's had a pretty tough time of it, though, so I figured she could use some of Lee's brand of support. I hope he doesn't mind too much. And sorry for interrupting your training."
"It's fine," Tenten said. "Neji and I can work on other stuff."
Neji was actually staring at me in what looked like disbelief. "You might not be aware," he said, carefully. "But I was recently on a mission where we encountered Yakumo…"
Oh. That was right. I'd nearly gone to Neji to ask about her in the first place. I'd forgotten that he knew that part of the story.
"The emergency response drill?" I said, equally carefully. "I'm sure you'd be glad to hear that there was a minor misunderstanding which has since been cleared up?"
A minor misunderstanding. Listen to me.
Tenten could clearly tell that there was some kind of subtext there, and glanced between the two of us, but seemed content to let the matter drop.
Neji, well. I couldn't tell what Neji actually thought of the matter. But if he wasn't going to protest, then that was all I really needed.
"Anyway, Tenten," I said, switching my attention. "Do you have that sealing book? There are a few things I wanted to look up in it."
I should have really made a copy before I gave it to her, rather than having to come and find it every time I wanted it. But making copies before it was finished seemed a huge waste, because if I added things or discovered that some entries were wrong, then I'd have to find and update the copies too.
"Do you want it back?" Tenten asked immediately. "You can take it. I think I've looked at everything I need."
"No, it's fine. It's nothing serious. I just couldn't remember a few things. They're a bit different to what I normally do," I explained.
Which lead to Tenten and I having a spirited discussion about sealing, while I kept half an eye on Yakumo.
"Do you think…" Yakumo asked, as we walked back. "That I could really be a ninja?" She sounded very quiet and wistful.
I regarded her seriously. "Do you really want to be?"
"Yes," she said immediately. "But I –" she swallowed and looked away. "There is a reason why Kurenai-sensei sealed me away… I don't want to be dangerous to the people around me."
Oh. So we were going to talk about this. Well.
"That's not an unfounded worry," I said carefully. "And it's not something that we should ignore. But it's also not a complete obstacle."
We let ourselves into the quiet, lonely mansion. I slipped my shoes off and stacked them neatly in the shoe rack.
"What do you mean?" Yakumo asked. She was so… unguarded, almost. Even more than the other girls I knew – like she was willing to listen and believe I had all the answers.
I paused. "How much do you know about it? You called it 'the secret power of the Kurama clan'."
"I didn't know it was like that," she said, voice hushed, eyes wide. "I make things real, like the paintings. I thought that was all there was to it. The… the monster… it… I don't know where it came from, or why it was there."
"It said…" I said, very slowly, pieces of the puzzle edging closer together in my head like the shifting of tectonic plates; slow, but inevitable. I didn't know what the shape of them would be, when they formed. "That it wanted to protect you – that it was created out of pain and suffering…"
She swallowed. "I never wanted it to do that. I never wanted it to hurt-" She hunched forward where she was sitting, hands coming up to her face. "I didn't want that."
"You couldn't control it," I agreed, watching her closely. I had to tread carefully here. "You might never be able to control it. Or make it go away. But that doesn't mean you can't work with it, or around it. It doesn't have to be an enemy for you to overcome."
Oh. There it was. The landscape of the revelation.
It doesn't have to be an enemy for you to overcome.
I'd been afraid, when I'd split apart. Jumped instantly to the worst possible outcomes. What if I hurt someone, what if, what if, what if? I'd gone to Kasuga looking for answers. No wonder he had worried, had thought that I had done something.
What had I done, when I was a shadow? Exactly the same things as the other half of me. It was still me. Was that what Kasuga had been trying to ask? Why he'd turned all those questions back on me and asked what I thought the danger was? It was my thoughts and feelings, just the ones that I didn't want to deal with, the ones I tucked away, put behind a brave face and mustered motivation to work past. What were the things that I put away, tucked into the corners of my mind and left there? Loss, and fear, and sorrow. Tiredness. Loneliness, sometimes. Jealousy and guilt.
They were the things I couldn't deal with – or couldn't deal with immediately. Was there a version of me, tucked up in my head, who felt only those things? God, what that must be like. To be only scared, tired and angry, all the time…
It would be awful. If there was a person sitting next to me, who felt only those things, how much sympathy would I have for them? How much would I try to help, and make them better? How could I do any less when there was no other person, just myself and my shadow?
I took that thought, and wrapped it in regret, and then wrapped the regret in the swell of pure gratitude rising in my chest. And then I tucked that away into the dark spot in the back of my mind.
"One day," I said to Yakumo. "You might need the protection that it offers. But until then, to protect others from it, you need to protect you. If it comes from your suffering and pain, then you have to look after yourself, treat yourself so that your emotions don't get to those levels. You can't just ignore them, even if that seems like the easiest way to cope."
"You think that will work?" She asked quietly.
"I hope so," I said.
I looked out the window, staring out at the sky. There's a saying that the best way to learn something is to teach it; I guess there's some truth in that.
I hope so.