The sea has neither meaning nor pity. ~Anton Chekhov
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I blinked awake slowly. Sunlight was streaming in through the window, creeping warm fingers over my bed. Usually I was up and gone before the angle of light got that far.
I didn't move.
The warmth was distant. I knew it was there, could feel it on my skin and yet… inside I still felt cold. It didn't touch me.
"Shikako! Wake up! You're missing breakfast." My door banged open, Mum standing poised in the doorway. I turned my neck to look at her. "Oh, you are awake." She sounded unnerved. There was an awkward pause before she drew herself back together. "Well, what are you waiting for? Hurry up."
I stood and dressed and pulled my hair back into it's usual plait. The movements felt mechanical and awkward.
Is this what it means…
The consequences of mistakes when using the shadow jutsu had been highlighted, but no one had ever described how it felt. This empty, distant feeling. Quietude. Listlessness.
Like standing in shadow…
I drifted downstairs.
"Finally," Shikamaru said, glancing up at me. "Why'd you get to sleep in? I've already been up to feed the deer."
I took my seat at the table. I didn't feel hungry but this was routine and I could see no reason to change it. "You should have woken me. I would have helped," I replied. There was no difference at the thought of waking earlier or later, doing work or doing nothing. It just… barely mattered.
Shikamaru's face faded into an uneasy look. I tried to smile at him, but my facial muscles felt stiff and uncooperative.
"Best if you don't do anything until you're back to normal," Dad said gently. "No training, no ninja techniques, no wandering off on your own. At least for today."
I tilted my head to the side. "I was intending to visit Sasuke today," I said. It had been three days since my last visit.
"That's not really a good idea," Mum said. "I'm sure it wont matter if you miss a visit or two."
I shrugged one shoulder. It wouldn't, not exactly. I was aware, though, that Kakashi-sensei and Sasuke would probably be concerned, as they would be expecting me.
"Why don't you go with Shikamaru?" Mum suggested to fill the silence. "And go and see Chouji or Ino or something?"
I blinked. "Aren't you training this morning?" I asked.
"Dad did just say you couldn't," Shikamaru replied.
"That doesn't mean you can't," I responded. "And you are the one with a match coming up."
I could think, perfectly well, and reason things out logically. I could act and react. I could move. I wasn't any different.
Except… everything seemed so distant, so muted, so … unimportant.
Smothered, maybe. Suffocated.
"You wont get bored?" Shikamaru asked dubiously. "Just watching?"
"No," I said. Boredom? That implied the desire for other actions. And while I was aware that that should have been a reaction to being forbidden to pursue my normal activities, it wasn't an issue right now.
"If you say so," Shikamaru muttered.
"Oh for gods sake!" Mum shouted suddenly, banging her fist on the table and half standing. "How can you just act like this is normal?"
Shikamaru jerked, eyes flaring wide open with shock and panic. He sat very still, so as not to attract her attention.
"Yoshino," Dad said. "Don't get so upset."
"Don't get so upset? Don't get so upset? Your daughter is acting like… like-" her hand cut through the air sharply. "Like a machine! Why are you not upset?"
"You know there are dangers to using our clan techniques," he said. "This is one of them. Manipulating your own spiritual energy is not done lightly, or easily. There are risks involved. You're very wrong if you think I'm taking this casually. But there was no harm done. Yes, you can irreparably damage yourself like that but this is just a temporary state, like a fever, while her spiritual energy sorts itself back out. I was watching them, Yoshino, I wouldn't-" his voice faltered, just very briefly. "I wouldn't let anything happen to them."
Mum deflated like he'd taken the wind out of her sails. In a way, he had. For all her temper, Dad was very good at diffusing her.
"I worry about them enough when they're on missions," she sighed. "I don't want to have to worry about them when they're sitting right in front of me."
"They're good kids, Yoshi," Dad said gently. "They can take care of themselves."
She slumped forwards, just a little, then marshalled herself. "Not with that Taijutsu, they can't," she decreed, waving a spoon in Shikamaru's direction.
"Aww, not Taijutsu," Shikamaru whined. Taijutsu was his least favourite of all the shinobi arts and he preferred to avoid it as much as possible. I suspected that was because it demanded a large amount of movement.
Dad leaned back in his chair, watching the argument with a fond smile gracing his lips. He caught my eye and it turned a little sad, but remained all the same.
I nodded. Then got up and followed Mum and Shikamaru out the door, seating myself on the veranda to watch them train.
I suppose, another word for how I felt might be 'peaceful'.
"Come on," Shikamaru said when they were done, yawning and slouching. He wasn't quite looking at me. "I'm meeting Asuma-sensei and Chouji at the barbeque place."
I nodded and stood.
Shikamaru reached out and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together. It wasn't uncommon, but usually I was the one to do it so I could better tug him along. He didn't look at me, didn't give any indication that it was out of the ordinary for him to do, just started walking.
I followed.
'The barbeque place' had a name, but since it was one of Chouji's favourite eateries and pretty much the most common place for Team 10 to meet, it was just 'the barbeque place'. They all knew where they were talking about.
"Hey, Shikamaru!" Chouji's cheerful voice called as we entered the building. "You're late. Even Ino is here, already!"
"Sorry, sorry," Shikamaru drawled, heading for the booth where his team was. "Something came up. Hope you guys don't mind that I brought my sister with me."
Ino's head popped up over the edge of the booth. "Shikako! Boy am I glad to see you. Maybe between the two of us we can convince Chouji to switch out some of the pork for salad, ne?"
"Ino," I said, nodding my head in greeting. "Chouji."
Even with such a small greeting, they were looking at me oddly as Shikamaru nudged me into the booth. Asuma-sensei's eyes were alert. As a ninja, we were always cautious of people who had suddenly changed. Impostors, breakdowns… there were a whole host of reasons why it might be a bad sign. Asuma-sensei didn't know me, but Ino and Chouji did, and he was observing their reactions.
"Alright there?" Asuma-sensei asked casually, but his eyes were watching us sharply.
"I had an accident in training," I said placidly. It was the truth, more or less.
"Yeah," Shikamaru drawled uneasily. I was sorry that my actions, my words, were causing him discomfort. "Dad says she's on lockdown for a while. No training. So…" he shrugged.
"A training accident?" Ino asked speculatively. "That sucks. Those can really mess up your whole day."
I'd considered that the Yamanaka and Nara jutsu were more closely related than previously thought, but I still wasn't sure I wanted to know what kind of 'training accident' could result from the Mind-Body Switch Jutsu.
"Yeah, that sucks," Chouji empathised. "Want some barbeque?" In Chouji's world, things improved with food. It wasn't so much a change of topic as an offer to help.
Breakfast had been hours ago and I could smell the cooking meat on the hot plate, but I didn't feel particularly hungry.
"You should eat," Shikamaru said, nudging the chopsticks by my hand.
Obediently, I picked them up. The movements were soothing and repetitive. Reach, grab, move, chew. Reach, grab, move, chew. The motions were identical each time. Exact and efficient.
"She's not going to stay like this, is she?" I heard Chouji asking quietly.
"I hope not," Shikamaru replied.
Ino did what she does best and started chattering, about the new flowers they'd got in, about the people that had stopped by the Flower Shop recently, about juicy pieces of gossip she'd picked up.
"… and Lee, you remember him? They're saying that his career as a shinobi is over. That he did himself so much damage with the gates that he'll never fight again…" Her mouth twisted down, voice taking a more sombre tone. "That's… really sad, isn't it? I mean, its not like we knew him, or anything, but he seemed so… determined."
"I visited him at the hospital," I said. "He's always out in the practice fields. It frustrates the nurses."
"Some one like that isn't going to give up just because things are painful," Asuma-sensei said. It was a little prod at his team, who were more likely to give up than fight.
Shikamaru scoffed and rested his chin in his hand. "And sometimes knowing where your limits are is more important."
"Yes," I agreed quietly.
"Moderation, that's the key," Asuma-sensei said with the tone of someone imparting great and sage knowledge. "Too much of one… too much of the other, it's equally as bad."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Shikamaru replied, completely unimpressed in the way only teenagers can be.
"Maybe you should 'moderate' your cigarettes then," Ino suggested. "Or, stop them all together, that would be much better."
His hand hovered protectively over his flack jacket pocket, presumably where he kept his cigarettes. "When you kids get to Jounin, you can tell me to back off the cigarettes then. Can't guarantee I'll listen, but I think you'll have other things to worry about by then."
"I would hope Kurenai-sensei would have you weaned off them by then," Ino said.
"I- what? What's she got to do with this?" Asuma-sensei yelped.
Ino giggled. "You're dating, aren't you?" Ino kept up with the gossip, something like that would not slip past her. "You should give her some flowers. We have some nice roses in at the moment. Red, oooh, or maybe some lovely white ones."
Red for passion and true love or white for eternal love, purity and secrecy. Together they spoke of unity. Ino was meddling.
Asuma-sensei took out another cigarette and pointed it at her severely. "We are just friends," he said firmly. "So get that idea out of your head."
"You can give friends flowers too," Ino said sagely, not at all put off. "Yellow roses stand for friendship and joy."
"Keep that up and I'll come up with new drills for you," Asuma-sensei warned. "Something involving running. Lots of it."
Ino huffed. "Jeeze, don't get so touchy. I think its sweet."
"Thank you for your approval," Asuma-sensei said dryly. "And moving on…"
"Man, that was good barbeque," Chouji said, almost on cue. "I am so ready for training! Are you coming with us, Shikako?"
"I am not supposed to be alone," I said, which was confirmation in its own way.
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The next day was better, in a way.
I was aware enough of how I was feeling to know it was abnormal, a degree of self reflection that I hadn't had before.
It… ached.
Like feeling alone in a crowd, like being separated from the outside world by a glass wall. It would have been a good time to see if, without my emotions clouding my mind, I could think clearer, learn better… but I found my motivation lacking. Without my fear of the future, the desire to protect my family, it just seemed so pointless.
Emotions made you what you were.
"Better today?" Dad asked, sitting beside me on the veranda as we watched Shika and Mum spar. He cradled a cup of green tea between his hands.
I hummed in agreement. "I think I see why no one strives for this state," I said.
"Some do," Dad admitted. "When you're older… have been through more… you'll probably see the attraction. But it's a hard balance to find - just enough to shock you, not enough to harm you - and most outcomes are much worse than the things that could drive you there. It's not a good coping mechanism."
"I see," I said.
Dad sipped his tea. "Have you got anything planned for the day?"
I considered it. My motivation for training was low, but I could read. I had plenty of fiction books and some of what I was learning was interesting beyond its usefulness anyway. "I could… go and visit Hinata. And Sakura."
Dad looked pleased at the suggestion. "It's good that you're reaching out to your friends. That's… a good sign."
I smiled, and it felt less stiff and awkward than before, though still unnatural. "I could go visit Sasuke," I added.
He regarded me closely. "Do you think that's a good idea?" He asked.
"It's not that far away and the route is fairly safe," I said. "I wont train with them but… I know they'll be worried."
And the fact that I didn't want them to be worried meant that I was getting better.
Dad nodded. "Alright. Stay safe."
"I will."
The trip out was easy, mindless running along a familiar path. It took me longer than usual because I stuck to the ground rather than going through the trees, obeying the 'no ninja techniques' rule.
They must have noticed me coming because both Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei were waiting when I showed up.
"It's been more than three days. I thought something had happened," Sasuke said, relief seeping into his voice. It wasn't much, but it was noticeable.
"I apologise," I said. "It was not my intention to cause you worry."
His eyes sharpened, roving over my face. "Are you okay?"
Kakashi-sensei was frowning, or as much as I could tell.
I tilted my head slightly. "I am uninjured. I suffered an accident in training which rendered me incapable of travelling here."
Sasuke hesitated still. "What's Team 7 Rule One?"
I blinked slowly at the odd, out of place question. "No dying," I answered. Perhaps he thought I was an impostor? Without someone here to vouch for me it was a legitimate concern. "The bridge was named 'The Great Naruto Bridge', Kakashi-sensei gave us the bell test, we started with a Heaven Scroll… um…"
"Okay, I believe you," he said, glancing at Kakashi-sensei.
I attempted a smile. "I brought lunch," I offered.
Sasuke took the bag carefully and we all sat. I ate mechanically.
"So, what happened?" he asked eventually, breaking the stiff silence.
I considered what to say. By rights, it was a clan secret and I shouldn't say anything more. On the other hand, this was my team and there were parallels…
How much can I explain without giving anything away?
"There's a lot of debate bout what concepts like 'mind' and 'soul' and 'mental energy' really mean, but everyone agrees that they're influenced by chakra. So if something is affecting your chakra, it's affecting you. Your mind, your soul, your core personality… whatever it is that makes you, you," I said at length, trying to explain without actually explaining. "And so, some techniques are dangerous to learn. Not just physically, but…" I pressed my hand to my heart.
Sasuke froze, chopsticks suspended halfway to his mouth. "What?" he rasped.
I noticed that Kakashi-sensei had sharpened his attention.
"When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you. When you step into the shadow, the shadow steps into you. If you push too far, too fast, if you aren't absolutely sure of who you are…and it will swallow you whole. Then you can lose pieces of yourself."
Sasuke swallowed heavily, eyes darting around my face.
"We call it 'falling into the black'," I continued.
"And you…" he trailed off, unable to complete the thought.
"This is only temporary," I said, trying to reassure him. "I'm much better today than I was yesterday. Next time you see me, I should be back to normal."
"That's… that's good. Right?" he asked.
I nodded. "Mmm. This state is … unsuited to being a ninja."
"Why?" Sasuke asked. "You'd think…" he looked at me uneasily. You'd think being emotionless is a state to strive for, I knew he meant to say.
I stared blindly into my bento. "I am not hungry, so I will not eat. I am not tired, so I will not sleep. I am not afraid… so I will not fight. Motivation is… difficult." It was only routines that meant I had so far, the fact that others around me were doing so.
"That wouldn't matter to some," Kakashi-sensei said, almost to himself. "As long as a soldier followed orders…"
"Why should I follow orders?" I countered, voice low. "There is no reason for it." Punishment for disobeying? To protect people? For the village?
Meaningless.
Kakashi-sensei shook himself. "So this is temporary?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yes. I will be more careful next time."
And yes, after that, Shikamaru and I were much more careful when training with our affinities.