Ned sat on the couch, feeling like a man about to face his own execution. Their living room of the spy headquarters had never felt so small, so suffocating. Around him, the women of his team positioned themselves like predators circling wounded prey.
Tinsley loomed behind him, her presence a constant reminder of the chaos that had led them here.
Atara and Paige flanked him on either side, their shoulders brushing against his in a way that felt more threatening than comforting. At his feet, Raine sat cross-legged, effectively blocking any chance of a quick escape.
Across from this tight formation, Zeta lounged on the opposite couch, her modified Taser resting casually in her lap. Beside her, Ursula's scowl could freeze hell itself, while Ember's unnervingly placid expression suggested she was already plotting someone's demise.
"Right," Ned began, his voice cracking slightly. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Right. So, we're here to... talk. Like adults. About feelings and... stuff."
"Oh, we're well past talking about feelings," Ursula growled. "This is about actions, Ned. Your actions."
Zeta nodded, absently stroking her Taser. "Specifically, your apparent inability to treat us all equally. Playing favorites isn't just bad for morale, you know. It could get us all killed in the field."
"I'm not playing favorites!" Ned protested, but even to his own ears, it sounded weak. "The bathtub thing was just a misunderstanding. A dare got out of hand, that's all."
Tinsley giggled, the sound sending a shiver down Ned's spine. "Oh, come on, Neddy. You can't tell me you didn't enjoy our little game."
"That's exactly the problem," Atara cut in, her voice sharp. "Why does Tinsley get games in the bathtub while the rest of us are left out in the cold?"
"Cold?" Ember spoke up for the first time, her tone deceptively mild. "I'd say some of us are feeling pretty hot under the collar about this whole situation."
Ned groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Look, I'm sorry if I've made any of you feel... less valued. That was never my intention. You're all incredibly important to this team, to our missions, to... to me."
"Pretty words," Zeta scoffed. "But actions speak louder, don't they? So here's what's going to happen. You're going to make it up to each of us. Individually."
Ned's head snapped up, eyes wide. "Wha-"
BOOM!
Ned's retort died in his throat as the world exploded around him. One moment he was facing a squad of furious female agents, the next he was thrown to the floor, his ears ringing like church bells.
The acrid stench of smoke filled his nostrils, and for a heartbeat, he thought he'd died and gone straight to hell.
[SYSTEM ALERT: The Spy headquarters have been compromised. Escape Dead!]
The robotic voice in his head was as unwelcome as it was unnecessary. Ned didn't need a bloody computer to tell him they were fucked. He could see that well enough for himself.
[Chances of survival: 13.7%]
"Shut up," Ned growled, tasting blood on his lips. He pushed himself to his knees, the world tilting dangerously around him. The others were scattered across the floor like broken dolls, their earlier anger replaced by shock and fear.
Tinsley was the first to stir, her usual playfulness gone. "Ned? What... what happened?"
Before he could answer, another explosion rocked the building. This one felt closer, more personal. Ned's stomach lurched as he felt the floor shift beneath him.
[Chances of survival: 11.1%]
'Fucking percentages,' Ned thought bitterly. He forced himself to his feet, ignoring the protests of his battered body. "We need to move. Now."
The others were coming around, faces pale and streaked with soot. Zeta's modified Taser lay forgotten on the floor, sparking weakly. Ursula's scowl had been replaced by wide-eyed panic, while Ember's calm facade had cracked, revealing the fear beneath.
Ned stumbled to the window, his heart sinking as he took in the scene below. Flames licked up the sides of the building, hungry tongues of orange and red devouring everything in their path. The streets were chaos, filled with screaming civilians and the wail of distant sirens.
"We're compromised," Ned said, his voice hoarse. "The whole bloody building's going up."
Atara joined him at the window, her face ashen. "How? We're supposed to be untouchable."
Ned shook his head, wincing at the movement. "Doesn't matter now. We need to find a way out."
[Chances of survival: 9.4%]
'Piss off,' Ned thought, but the dropping numbers sent a chill down his spine. They were running out of time.
"The stairs?" Paige suggested, but even as she said it, they all knew it was impossible. The heat radiating through the floor told them all they needed to know about the inferno below.
Ned's mind raced, searching for options. They were too high for a helicopter rescue, and even if they weren't, the smoke would make it too dangerous. Rappelling down the side of the building was out – they'd be roasted alive before they made it halfway.
'Any idea of who's behind this?' Ned chimed inwardly.
[There's no time to find out. After all, it might be a third-party group. The real culprits wouldn't strike like this when they can use others for it. Now you lot must get out of here right now.]
"No shit," Ned muttered, earning confused looks from the others. He ignored them, his eyes scanning the room desperately for anything that might help. His gaze landed on the bathroom door, and a mad, impossible idea began to form.
Without a word, Ned stumbled towards the bathroom, shoving past Raine who was still sitting on the floor, dazed.
"Ned? What are you doing?" Zeta called after him, but he didn't bother to answer.
Ned entered the bathroom, his eyes locking onto the bathtub, and he felt a hysterical laugh bubble up in his chest. 'From the frying pan into the fire,' he thought. 'Or maybe from the fire into the bathtub.'
With strength born of desperation, Ned began to wrench the tub free from its moorings. The pipes groaned in protest, water spraying from broken connections. He welcomed the coolness on his skin, a brief respite from the growing heat.
"Have you lost your mind?" Ursula's voice came from behind him, a mixture of anger and disbelief.
Ned grunted, still wrestling with the tub. "Probably. But unless you've got a better idea, grab the other end and help me."
To his surprise, she did. Together, they managed to free the tub from its prison of pipes and tile. Ned's muscles screamed as they maneuvered it through the door and into the living room, where the others stared at them as if they'd gone completely mad.
And maybe they had. But as Ned looked at the flames creeping up the sides of the building, at the fear in his team's eyes, he knew they were out of options.
"Right," he said, his voice steadier than he felt. "Who's up for a little extreme sledding?"
[Chances of survival: 4.9%]
Ned ignored the dropping numbers, focusing instead on the task at hand. "Zeta, can you rig that Taser of yours to emit an electromagnetic pulse? We'll need it to weaken the glass."
Zeta blinked, then nodded slowly, understanding dawning in her eyes.
"Ember, Ursula – you're our strongest. You'll need to steer this thing. The rest of you, start grabbing anything soft – cushions, blankets, whatever you can find. We're going to need padding."
For a moment, no one moved. Then, as if a spell had been broken, they sprang into action. Ned watched as his team worked together, their earlier anger forgotten in the face of survival.
The building groaned around them, a dying beast in its death throes. Ned knew they were out of time.
"Everyone in," he ordered, helping Tinsley and Paige into the makeshift toboggan. As he climbed in himself, wedged between Atara and Raine, he caught Zeta's eye.
"Ready?" she asked, her modified Taser humming ominously.
Ned took one last look at his team – at the determined set of their jaws, the fear and hope warring in their eyes.
He swallowed hard, pushing down the fear threatening to choke him.
"Do it," he said.
Zeta fired the Taser and the window began to spider-web with cracks!
***