The safe house was a far cry from the swanky spy digs Ned had been expecting. Instead of high-tech gadgets and sleek furnishings, they got peeling wallpaper and a suspicious stain on the carpet that looked disturbingly like a chalk outline, was that lovejuice?
"Cozy," Atara deadpanned, dropping her gear on a moth-eaten couch. "I especially like the 'eau de forgotten dreams and broken promises.'"
Ned sniffed the air and immediately regretted it. "Think of it as... ambiance. Very retro chic. All the best spies probably started out in dumps like this."
[SYSTEM ALERT: Attempt at morale boost detected. Effectiveness: Questionable.]
"Alright, team," Ned clapped his hands, trying to inject some enthusiasm into the gloomy atmosphere. "Let's debrief. What did we learn from our little adventure?"
Ursula, ever the voice of reason, spoke up first. "Well, for starters, we learned that our fearless leader has the situational awareness of a drunk squirrel."
She rolled her eyes at him so hard they nearly achieved escape velocity. Little heart-shaped symbols popped above her head, but to Ned's displeasure, they were broken—cracked down the middle—like broken heart emojis.
"Hey!" Ned protested. "I'll have you know squirrels are nature's ninjas. Stealth, agility, nut-based weaponry – they've got it all."
[SYSTEM ALERT: Attempt at humor unsuccessful. Ursula's 'LOVE METER' decreases by 10%]
[BoinkBoink status: (Atara +3); (Ursula -10); -7%]
[SUGGESTION: Try self-abuse.]
'Aargghh!' Ned's inner skirt-chaser screamed like a child who had just lost his toy. Previously, he'd assumed that since each of his goddesses had their own love meters, that might as well translate to them having separate boinkboink statuses.
"So much for the effort," he thought, not so annoyed by his misinterpretation, but by the snarky system's suggestions to jerk off. How could he, when he was surrounded by a group of flamboyant goddesses.
Paige, who had been quietly observing from a corner, cleared her throat. "We also learned that someone out there recognizes you, Dildo. And they're scared of you." She pointed, trembling at the thought of a giant, scary-looking dildo with tentacles.
A hush fell over the room. Ned felt a chill run down his spine that had nothing to do with the safe house's questionable heating system.
[SYSTEM ALERT: Paige's 'LOVE METER' increases by 2% at the mention of the user's name 'Dildo']
[SUGGESTION: Make them believers.]
"Right," he said, more towards the notification than the matter at hand, his voice was unusually serious. "That's... concerning."
Zeta, who had been furiously typing away on her laptop, let out a triumphant "Aha!" All eyes turned to her.
"I managed to pull some data from the traffic cams near the Nexus," she explained, turning her screen to face the group. "Check this out."
The grainy footage showed the van speeding away, but what caught everyone's attention was the close-up of the driver's face. The man looked terrified, his eyes wide with unmistakable fear as he glanced in the rearview mirror.
"Okay," Ned said slowly, "I know I'm devilishly handsome, but that seems like a bit of an overreaction."
Atara snorted. "Please. The only thing terrifying about you is your name and your attempt at facial hair."
Ned absently stroked his chin, which was sporting what he'd hoped was short thick beard but apparently looked more like crooked cat whiskers. "You're just jealous of my rugged charm."
[SYSTEM ALERT: Focus recommended. Current banter-to-productivity ratio exceeding acceptable parameters.]
Right. Focus. Ned cleared his throat. "So, we've got mysterious vans, terrified operatives, and a whole lot of questions. Any theories?"
The team exchanged glances, each looking as lost as Ned felt. Finally, Ursula spoke up. "What if... what if they mistook you for the real Agent xXx_SpyGod69_xXx?"
"What? I am the real Agent xXx_SpyGod69_xXx." Ned protested, his face heating up.
"In an age of affordable beauty, anyone can look like the greatest spy of all time. It's called plastic surgery, boss. Besides, you've done nothing to prove that." Atara chimed in.
A beat of silence followed her words. Then, like a dam bursting, everyone started talking at once.
"No way‐"... [Tinsley's love meter -1%]
"He certainly isn't‐"... [Raine's love meter -3%]
"But that's impossible-"... [Ember's love meter -5%]
"The real agent is supposed to be out of commission"... [Ursula's love meter -4%]
"There's no way they could have mistook our looser of a boss for a legend."... [Paige's love meter -2%]
"Exactly my point‐"... [Atara's love meter -1%]
[SYSTEM ALERT: Collective 'love meters' plummeting at exponentially rate. User is losing boinkboink status faster than he can gain it!]
[Team confidence in leadership: 1%]
[BoinkBoink status: Calculating...]
[Drastic measures required!!!]
Ned's view was flooding with red flares, little broken heart shapes popping all over their heads. He felt dazed. It was true that his avatar was out of commission, but the fact that his transmigration was classified kept causing him problems.
To everyone else apart from him and the higher ups, agent xXx_SpyGod69_xXx was dead, killed in an of-the-grid mission and dead people stay dead. If only they knew he was the brain behind the legend.
"Enough!" Ned shouted, surprising even himself with the authority in his voice. The room fell silent. "Ursula might be onto something. We need to consider all possibilities, no matter how crazy they seem."
[SYSTEM ALERT: Chaos temporarily contained. Leadership moment detected. Charisma +10]
As the sun began to set, casting long shadows through the grimy windows, the team settled into a tense planning session. Theories were proposed and discarded, potential leads examined and filed away for further investigation.
Hours passed, and the safe house began to feel less like a musty relic and more like a war room. Maps and diagrams covered every available surface, courtesy of Zeta's tech wizardry and Paige's surprisingly artistic doodles.
It was well past midnight, the group preparing for bedtime, when Ned noticed Atara staring intently out the window, her boobs tensed, nipples stiffly projecting through her lingerie.
"Everything okay over there, goddess?" he asked, trying to keep his tone light.
Atara didn't turn around. "We've got company."
***