Ned stood before his ragtag team of spy washouts, feeling about as qualified to train them as a novice on his first day of work.
The seven lovely goddesses stared back at him, each with a pair of wrecking balls for breasts, dangling dangerously from their chest. Their expressions ranged from hopeful to downright murderous.
All the confidence of agent xXx_SpyGod69_xXx seemed to have crumbled, replaced by a wellspring of hormones.
"Right then," Ned clapped his hands together, desperately channeling every sports movie coach he'd ever seen. If he wanted to bed these 'betties,' he had to show he's got the balls for it. "Let's start with... uh... introductions! Yeah, that's a thing people do, right?"
Silence. Crickets could be heard chirping, despite the fact they were in a high-tech spy facility hundreds of feet above the ground.
Ned cleared his throat. "O-kay... I'll go first. I'm Agent xXx_SpyGod69_xXx, but you can call me..." he trailed off, realizing he couldn't exactly go by 'Ned' anymore. "...God. You can call me God."
A collective groan rippled through the group. One of the girls, a petite redhead with a scowl that could curdle milk, raised her hand.
"Yes, you there?" Ned pointed.
"Are you for real?" she asked, voice dripping with disdain. "Because if this is some kind of joke, it stopped being funny about three seconds after you opened your mouth."
'Hot and feisty!' Ned's mind reeled, feeling a bead of sweat trickle down, between his thighs. "I assure you, I'm as real as... as..." he frantically searched for something suitably spy-like, but quickly realized that controlling the greatest spy in a game didn't quite translate to real-life situations.
He had the stats of what could be considered a spy-god, but his consciousness was lacking. And as the creator of the most baddest spy in deadlock, he had to live up to the name. "...as the tracking device currently lodged in your molar."
The girl's eyes widened, her hand flying to her mouth, boobs rippling like an earthquake under her skin. "What tracking device?!"
"Ha! Gotcha!" Ned grinned, then immediately regretted it as the redhead's scowl deepened to previously uncharted levels of contempt.
A tall blonde in the back raised her hand next. "Excuse me, 'God'," she made air quotes around the name, "but what exactly are your qualifications? Because last I checked, the real Agent xXx_SpyGod69_xXx was a legendary operative with over 200 confirmed missions. Facial features aside, you look like you'd struggle to confirm a dinner reservation. We won't fall for mere appearances, Mister."
'Over 200 missions with just a keyboard and a mouse, you're welcome.' Ned bristled inwardly. How dare she question his... well, okay, his status as an imposter. But still, he was the brain behind the man! "I'll have you know I once infiltrated a secure server using nothing but a toothpick and a can of Cheez Whiz!"
The blonde's eyebrow arched so high that it threatened to escape her forehead entirely. "Really? Care to demonstrate?"
"I, uh..." Ned floundered. "That's classified! Yeah, top secret stuff. Can't go around revealing trade secrets to junior agents, now can I?"
A notification popped up in his vision:
[SYSTEM ALERT: Team confidence in leadership: 12%]
[SUGGESTION: Demonstrate a practical skill to boost credibility]
"Right!" Ned clapped his hands together again, an idea forming. "Enough chit-chat. Time for a practical demonstration. Who wants to see some real spy skills in action?"
A mumble of half-hearted agreement rippled through the group. Ned strode over to a nearby computer terminal, cracking his knuckles dramatically. "Prepare to be amazed, angels. I'm about to hack into the mainframe and... do some spy stuff."
His fingers flew across the keyboard, muscle memory from countless hours of gaming taking over. Lines of code scrolled across the screen at dizzying speeds. Ned grinned, feeling a surge of confidence. This was just like the hacking minigames in Deadlock!
[SYSTEM ALERT: Hacking skill activated "PARASITE". Firewall breached. Access granted to classified files.]
Ned's grin widened. "See? Child's play for a master spy like-"
Alarms blared. Red lights began flashing throughout the room. A robotic voice announced: "SECURITY BREACH DETECTED. INITIATING LOCKDOWN PROTOCOLS."
"Ah, crap baskets," Ned muttered.
The seven women sprang into action with a coordination that betrayal their 'washout' status. The blonde tackled Ned away from the computer, while the redhead's fingers became a blur on the keyboard, frantically trying to undo whatever digital mess he'd created.
"What the hell did you do?!" the blonde demanded, pinning Ned to the ground with surprising strength.
"Showing ya'll how it's done!" Ned wailed. The warmth and softness of her boobs against his chest made his confidence evaporate faster than spilled beer on a hot sidewalk. The scent of her perfume mixed with the musky sent of sweat clouded his senses.
The redhead let out a triumphant "Ha!" As the alarms suddenly cut off. The robotic voice returned: "SECURITY BREACH CONTAINED. RESUMING NORMAL OPERATIONS."
As the blonde released him, Ned stumbled to his feet, straightening his now-rumpled suit. He looked at the team, their faces a mix of disbelief, anger, and, in one case, poorly concealed amusement.
"Well," he said, forcing a smile, "that was an excellent test of your reaction times and... uh... teamwork! Yes, all part of my brilliant training regimen."
[SYSTEM ALERT: Team confidence in leadership: 3%]
[SUGGESTION: Honesty may be the best policy at this point.]
Ned sighed, shoulders slumping. "Okay, look. Cards on the table time. I have no idea what I'm doing."
To his surprise, this admission was met with nods of agreement and jiggling boobs rather than shock.
"No kidding," the redhead snorted. "What tipped you off? The part where you almost got us all arrested, or the part where you introduced yourself as 'God'?"
"To be fair," a quiet voice piped up from the back, her frame seemingly too small to support the watermelons she chested. "he did manage to breach the mainframe's security. That's... actually kind of impressive."
Ned perked up. "See? I'm not completely useless!"
"Just mostly useless," the blonde muttered.
"Alright, alright," Ned held up his hands in surrender. "I'm a bit out of practice, but I'm definitely the legendary spy you were expecting. Maybe, even better. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but like it or not, we're stuck with each other. So why don't we start over? Hi, I'm... Dildo Dawson."
How could he forget the real name of XXx_SpyGod69_xXx? The one he personally picked.
The women exchanged glances, a silent conversation passing between them. The blondie bit her lips, trying to stifle a laugh, while the redhead tugged at her neckline, attempting to cool down. None of them uttered a word until, finally, the redhead stepped forward.
"I'm Atara," she said, extending a hand. "And I think I'd stick to calling you with your initials, 'D'"
"That's... handy." Ned replied with a large debaucherous smile that earned an unexpected swoon from Atara, that drove him bonkers.
The rest of the team introduced themselves, each seemingly more welcoming than before.
'Winning them over wasn't as hard as I thought.' He cheered inwardly.
[SYSTEM ALERT: Team confidence in leadership: 15%]
[MISSION UPDATE: Survive training without getting killed by your own team]
'Wait! What?'
***