2 YEARS LATER
Tristan
"You love the book?"
I asked a guy younger adult aged, with hair so messy but wearing a kind of uniform from a corporate job, a job at this young age, must be a genius
He turned and said look at me, smiling with his teeth, his smile was of fondness and excitement. He loved the book, I can say
"Oh you mean, Umbrella, I love the book, I have read all her books, she is a great writer, isn't she? And she is very beautiful"
I laughed looking down
"Yeah she is, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen"
He nodded and said
"Hey man, do you know her?"
I sighed and took a deep breath and said
"No, I am a fan"
He nodded and went ahead to sit near the auditorium seats, situated in poised columns and rows. It is Hiraeth's book launch, she couldn't launch the book for the last two years taking care of Maira. Maira, my baby girl, is turning two soon. How can I overcome the fact that my little heart is getting older, two years, and she is getting this tall and started talking in gibberish? I have come to see Maira a lot of times in Milan. She is this little in my arms still, I can't believe her big round eyes will be seeing her mom today on the stage, I can't believe the little version of Hiraeth is getting older and turning two, she is getting so big
I laughed again looking down thinking of how I was saying my little doll was big, big meant, her fingers were getting clearer lines, she could make fists now, her eyes looked at me now and recognized me with a wide-eyed smile, never giving this smile to anyone, just like her mother, smiling differently to everyone.
Her hair is growing, and she is discovering her fingers, exploring her feet as she tries to walk, but fails, but Javi is there, always standing behind as I stand forward so that we can save her if she falls backward or upwards. Javi looks at my girls as if they are his whole world, takes care of them like it's just his daily breathing, never letting me complain about anything.
I am grateful to him
And here they come, Hiraeth walking hand in hand with Javi, Javi's arms wrapped around her waist,
People say in fiction, it doesn't hurt now. It does trust me, it rips open my heart. But I have to smile for her. I looked at the little carriage on Hiraeth's hand, her eyes revolving from Maira to Javi, they are her world. I don't go anywhere. I have never guessed. I regret cheating on her, but I don't regret letting her go. She needed to go to Javi, her face is glowing, her brown eyes delightful, her lights shining, just like the sky, and her cheeks are heaved up, I feel just like the day I saw her, the same feeling, a fucking gut-wrenching longing was there and it is still there in my heart. Maira is wearing a red frock, I can see her eyes getting wider as she looks at so many people looking at her.
I looked at Javi smiling with freckles in his face holding Hiraeth as if holding everything he needed to hold.
She stood on the stage as Javi carried Maira and sat on the front seat, hearing her talking, she was talking so gracefully about her book, smiling, laughing, chirping, emotions swirling in between her cheeks and teeth, eyes expression so fondness for Javi and Maira. Her eyes landed on mine finally as I smiled. She told me to come to her. I can't. Got the strength of a whole bone breaking to just come here and see her. I can't. I shook my head, nodding to her to continue. She smiled at me, her grin so different for me.
She was wearing a white embroidered gown, her ring finger had a platinum ring, she hates diamond accessories, yeah. Now I know. But maybe I am too late to know her choices. Javi proposed to her a year ago and she said yes.
I couldn't be happier, but now I can't. I turned as I started walking away.
I didn't look back.
Hiraeth
"Javi, what are you looking at?"
We just came home as Javi went to check the mailbox, he came up with an envelope. I just tucked Maira as she was so tired of staying there for so many hours and many many cheek pulls. Why does everyone disturb my baby huh? I kissed her lips. I went outside her room
I looked at Tristan sitting at the chair of the dining table. The way I walked, was walled with pictures of ours, mine's and Javi's. Maira's too
I went to him, and he got up wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my lips, saying
"You might need some time to read it, I am going to watch Maira."
I frowned and raised my eyebrows. I nodded in confusion
He went, the kiss's effect was still there and I was hella flustered. I smiled looking down
I opened the envelope
And a handwritten letter was there. I opened the letter and started reading it after sitting on the dining table chair.
The letter started
"Dear Sunflower"
VISIONS OF A GIDEON
Meant the visions of a destroyer, visions of a human with hideous emotions, visions of a human she wants to see, not the way it seemed. Visions of Gideon means seeing a false life with true emotions, seeing something fake, and considering it as real. Visions of Gideon means a vision to destroy not the vision of a destroyer.
Hiraeth my darling love, how long will you see the way you wrote it, how long will you be a destroyer, come to reality? How long you will bury the truth with the expanse of your book, get out of your book.
Stare at those walls that hold the earth, not the binding of your book, the book has ended, get back to life now. I love you so much, don't cage me in your memories anymore, don't shake me with those barriers of your book, don't hold me back in your subconscious mind, don't keep me alive in your books anymore, don't make your life a fiction.
You very well remember what happened the day when you went to New York to see me in the hospital. Day after day you were creating a fiction of your own life, making everyone a spawn of yours, don't be a destroyer. Let the book go and let me too. After seeing me in that hospital lying on that bed, you started thinking of yourself as the destroyer and wrote your visions which weren't true, you made a fiction of your own life. Leave my hands and let me slip away, I can't stay with you like this. I am sorry.
I am sorry for leaving you alone in this world. I am sorry for everything
Yours Sun
I jerked as I stumbled on the ground, my hands trembling as if someone was forcefully shaking me. My heart will burst out as it is jumping ridiculously, my entire self is physically shattering apart. I can feel it, the bone-breaking shock, the thought-numbing disbelief weighing more than my weight. I screamed. I screamed my lungs out. My throat must have been cracked. There were no tears, I was seeing black, everything blank and void, I felt everything roaming around me, every piece of furniture, every photo frame. I screamed again holding my head with both my hands, closing my eyes tight as ever. There were no tears. My eyes were painting because no tears were falling
I ran to the bedroom tumbling my way leaving the letter on the floor. I walked through the walls as fast as I could but stopped releasing the photo frames that had only Maira, me, and Javi. There were no photos of Tristan with Maira on the wall. No no there must be pictures in my phone, in Javi's phone, or our family album. Maira has pictures with Tristan. What is happening? How am I living in two different worlds and why am I discovering it now? No no this is just a dream, everything is a dream, Tristan is in Seoul, I will call him now. Everything is a lie, someone is playing a prank on me.
I went to the bedroom and saw Javi carrying Maira and swaying her in his arms as she was crying so much. I sighed in relief seeing my family. Javi looked at me smiling as gently as ever, as he came to me kissing my lips, brushing his face with my cheeks saying,
"Let's go for a vacation, what say? I can cancel interviews for a week, let's just get out for a while now. How long will we stay here."
I looked at him with wide eyes, I couldn't utter a single word
"Javi I want to see our family album, Maira's birth time please"
He nodded as he tucked a sleeping Maira in her crib and brought the album to me from Maira's little closet.
I flipped the pages sitting on the ground, he sat beside me. Staring at me as always with heart eyes, his fingers tucking my hair strands behind my ear
I flipped the pages, as slowly and with utter silence, dread covered my heart, and distress filled my heart. Disbelief and extreme fear entered my heart. I was shaking. So bad
My throat was in pain but Javi didn't come running to me after hearing my screams, was I screaming in my mind? Am I going crazy?
There wasn't a single picture of Tristan with Maira, my heart dropped and sunken deep in the pit of my stomach, and extreme grief entered my body, I widened my face, I sucked my breath, and I couldn't feel myself breathing anymore
There are pictures of Labor Day when Maria was born, there are pictures of Maira in my arms, pictures of Maira in Javi and Jaycee's arms, and candids of Maira with Javi and me, Jaycee and me. Where is Tristan? WHERE IS Tristan THEN. HE WAS WITH ME IN THE LABOR, HE WAS WITH ME IN THE LABOR.
I looked at Javi as he fondly looked at the pictures smiling in between, freckles showing, that the mole was asleep. Javi is just like earlier, nothing changed so why suddenly Tristan's isn't anywhere?
"Javi is Tristan's picture with Maira. Why didn't we keep it on the family album? Tristan is Maria's father. Did you keep the pictures or is it with Tristan? I will call him. I want to see the pictures"
I looked at him suddenly looking dreadful, all the colors drained from his face and he looked blank
"Hiraeth what are you saying?"
He asked as if I asked something out of the place. Which isn't true
"What do you mean Javi? I want to talk to Tristan about the pictures, besides the letter"
He looked confused
"Which letter?"
I frowned and asked
"You gave me the mail outside Javi, you forgot it? Tristan's letter. How? Is it a prank for both of you right?"
He smiled in disbelief, looking not that satisfied
"Hiraeth no, what are you saying, I just gave you the reports of Maira's blood test, she was diagnosed with dysentery you remember that right? The doctor has asked you to see it. That's why I left you saying you might need time to read it. It was in detail."
I looked at him, all of the energy left in me draining.
"Oh it's okay, I want to talk to Tristan. Where is my phone"
I said getting up hurriedly, my hands shaking as I searched for my phone, my body shook hardy, heartbeats were barely countable, it was so fast, I could barely breathe
I feel nauseous. I feel frightened for some unknown reason
He held my wrist as he got up too saying
"Hiraeth, Tristan can't answer your phone"
I raised my eyebrows and got irritated. I need to talk to Tristan
"Why, he has to. He will. He always answers my phone"
"BECAUSE HE IS DEAD. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"
He yelled at me looking at me with great worry. I felt my entire willpower of living collapsed on the floor. My entire gut system crumpled as I fell on the floor
I said getting up hurriedly, my hands shaking as I searched for my phone, my body shook hardy, heartbeats were barely countable, it was so fast, I could barely breathe
I feel nauseous. I feel frightened for some unknown reason
He held my wrist as he got up too saying
"Hiraeth, Tristan can't answer your phone"
I raised my eyebrows and got irritated. I need to talk to Tristan
"Why, he has to. He will. He always answers my phone"
"BECAUSE HE IS DEAD. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"
He yelled at me looking at me with great worry. I felt my entire willpower of living collapsed on the floor. My entire gut system crumpled as I fell on the floor
"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, HE WAS WITH US A FEW DAYS AGO TOO, HE CAME TO VISIT MAIRA. HE WAS IN THE AUDITORIUM TOO, WHEN I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT UMBRELLAS"
His grip tightened as he said
"Hiraeth, what happened to you, he died that day in the hospital in New York, doctors couldn't save him, he died of cardiac arrest that night. He wasn't there, nor hereafter. He is not in the world, and today was the launch of your new collection of Visions of Gideon, remember you wrote it again. and it was the launch of the new edition, the earlier one was banned by your company. What are you saying?"
"NO NO STOP IT, WHY ARE YOU GUYS PLAYING WITH ME"
I held his shoulders whining as finally a tear of extreme unbearable pain fell,
"TELL ME IT IS JUST A JOKE. WHY.HOW? Javi…I SEE HIM. WE SAW HIM IN LABOR TOO, HE GAVE THE NAME MAIRA, DO YOU REMEMBER?"
I looked at him helplessly as if his answers could make me calm, make me believe I was dreaming as if he would say that it was a prank
"NO HIRAETH, YOU GAVE THE NAME, SAYING Tristan WOULD WANT IT."
I suddenly remembered something, I ran to the living room, and Javi ran behind me, holding me from stumbling and falling. My breath was uneven, I was panting
I pulled out my book
VISIONS OF A GIDEON from my bookshelf, I read the pages, I read the last chapters, in here Tyler didn't die, he survived the cardiac arrest, he survived and I went to him, he fluttered his eyes open, he apologized, I told him about the gender of our baby, he kissed me, we cried in the happiness of being a parent, I flipped through the next page and it was the chapter HIM. Then the chapter YOU CAN LEAVE. I wrote everything that happened in real life right? Right?
He didn't die in my book, he was alive, he talked with me, he said he ruined everything. I remember clearly. What was it? real life or I was living my book?
I sat on the carpet near the bookshelf, holding the book to my chest, my breath got stuck forever, and I was looking at nowhere blankly. I am feeling so lost. I gripped the book as tight as ever, my chest tightening. What is true and what is wrong
What is life and what is death? It feels like I am in between death and life
I am so scared to remember it, I am so scared to remember it
FLASHBACK
Jeremy came running to me saying he was inside, a lot stable. But my heart didn't agree. The last time I looked at him he was with those girls. Tarnishing the marriage. I went inside almost panting because of the weight I was carrying. I caressed my belly as it kicked when I finally looked at Tristan. Tears fell rapidly; I paled my face crying, I looked at my husband, with a ventilator in his mouth, pipes gliding through his skin with injections, there were saline bags too, and a monitor showing his heart rate. I went to him and saw his eyes were closed, he was sleeping. The smell of antibiotics and ointments filled my nostrils. I held his hands, I gripped his hands as I cried, so much in silence, being careful to not wake him up. But he woke up.
His sun eyes fluttered as my heart skipped a beat. After everything this man makes me feel breathless and almost dead. The only difference is the feelings are so distant. My heart reacts the same way, the same way it beats for him but it is almost fading. What changed? the same way it sings melodies seeing him, the same way it races but the song is different. I sing different songs now. suddenly another face flashes in front of me. Javi's. A man who made me live for myself in all these months.
He looked at me and if guilt could tarnish a man, then it is him. I can feel his heart beating against my palm which I just kept on his chest. His heartbeat was normal. Then why suddenly have a breathing problem?
"Tristan...Are you okay?"
I asked whispering and crying
His free hand came leaning towards my eyes as he wiped my tears. I burst into tears
"I am sorry, I am sorry, for not answering your calls, barely answering you, I won't do it anymore. I will always be with you, you hear me. I will always be with you, always take care of you, I got so scared"
His palm caressed me, his hands were cold. I can't. It hurts to see him like this. This is all because of me. Why couldn't I talk to him in these months?
"I am sorry Hiraeth, I ruined our marriage"
I looked at his eyes, so much grief there was that it could shatter a human. He did me wrong, it can't be forgiven but, he saved so many lives. He is a great human, he did wrong to himself, and his wife but he saved this young generation, this world's half of the population. His words dominated the world and he made it a better world. I never realized he was sacrificing his time too just to make people live a little. I never saw it from his side that he too was missing out on time with me, he was also missing out on his baby's first heartbeat, his daughter's first sonogram in my womb, it must have killed him too, but he sacrificed his happiness of being a father to just save people, to make people feel good. It must have taken his whole will to not come to me running and taking care of me. Because he couldn't live with these suffering souls, he had to make them feel worthy inspire them, and make them so happy. He sacrificed me and his happiness with me. I know he wanted to come to me, I still can feel it. but he didn't, he sacrificed his happiness without being with me during pregnancy. He also wanted to be with me, he also wanted to come and see his wife, and he also wanted to hear his baby's heartbeats, but he had to choose between his fans and me. And he chose them. It must be the hardest decision of his life. It took him so much to get me, but it took him his whole life to be a messiah for people. Being a celebrity is harder than anyone has ever imagined. He had to compromise with his family because he was saving millions of families, and millions of broken hearts. I am so proud of him.
"I am sorry I missed everything right?"
I shook my head, tears still spilling from my eyes like a river flow. I took his hand, and graced my skin with his fingers, as he felt the kick of his child, the first kick. He bit his lips as he burst into tears, he removed the ventilator as he was breathing. I wiped his tears as I leaned and attached my forehead to him. He cried his heart out, his whole body jerked against my arms, I held his shoulders to stop him, but he didn't.
"it's a girl, you are the father of a baby girl Tristan"
He smiled wide in between tears. His eyes are lightening now. His sun eyes were beautiful as always. I love this man. It's the love of two parents. a father and a mother. This is the first time I am experiencing this with Tristan, as the father of our child. Only we can understand what we are feeling because the soul inside is our blood, our flesh. Our love. This is the feeling only felt between parents. his eyes widened seeing the baby bump
"I am sorry"
I shook and kissed his forehead, I wiped his tears. And attached the ventilator again. but he pulled it down as he made me lean. I don't know why I was doing this. He cheated on me. I shouldn't be right. I did. I attached our lips as his breath mingled with mine. People might say why I gave him another chance. I don't know, as a mother and as a wife. I need my husband only. This is a feeling only a wife can understand. I married this man with a vowing I would always protect him, no matter what, I would always understand him. even if it meant sacrificing myself. I can't unlove him. I didn't fall out of love, I just lived for myself with the help of Javi. But I can't run away from being a wife or a mother. As the mother of his child, I always want him.
I know I fell in love with Javi during these months. But I can't look for a lover now. I can't look for a better option. I can't look for more happiness now, that's very selfish of me.
I know I haven't fallen out of love with Tristan, I am still damn in love with him, not as a lover, I am not in love with him to feel loved, I want to make him feel loved and I love the feeling of making him feel loved. I will do anything for my husband.
I sound confused but I am not. I love Javi because with him I can love myself. I love Tristan because after everything, after showering immense love and inspiring people, he needs a home to return to, and after everything I want to be that home.
I can't choose Javi or my partial happiness. I need to look for my husband and I will. I will always love my husband.
I kissed him back, he was warm now against me. He was loved.
At a point I felt his lips become unmoved against mine, suddenly the warm breaths weren't hitting my face anymore, and I felt my heart stop. It just stopped. The lips were turning so cold. I felt my body going rigid and still, his fingers which were interlaced with mine just slipped from mine, and the body turned, a stone within seconds. I pulled out and saw his eyes were closed. For the first few seconds, I didn't realize I was frozen, not at all trying to breathe but I was breathing. my hand on his chest didn't feel any beating, as if the person wasn't there anymore, the soul had been taken away, my hand on his chest trembled in fear
"Tristan,,,Tristan….Tristan"
I screamed and I screamed, making everyone in the corridor stand and freeze in shiver and fear, everyone's heart was wrecked hearing my scream. But I didn't care.
"Tristan…Tristan….YOU ARE SLEEPING RIGHT… GET UP…GET UP…GET UP…FUCKING GET UP…STOP SLEEPING"
My voice screeched and broke but still, I didn't stop screaming
"NOO, NOOOO. STOP IT…Tristan GET UP. LOOK AT ME…LOOK AT ME PLEASE"
I felt arms caging me, strongly preventing me from screaming
I pushed the body who tried to hold me, as I went back to Tristan's lifeless blue body, blue just like my heart. I held his shoulders and jerked him. I felt my entire body was falling loosely like brick blocks
"NOOOOOOO STOP IT…JUST STOP IT. GET UP, Tristan…FUCKING GET UPP, NO"
My voice broke as I felt a familiar pair of tattooed arms holding me as I stumbled back and fell. I felt footsteps entering the room, taking him away from me, I heard Jeremy's bone-breaking wail.
"NOOOO DON'T TAKE HIM, HE IS FINE…LOOK HE IS BREATHING…NO LISTEN TO ME… PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.."
I screamed with my broken throat, thrashing Javi's arms away from me, he carried me from behind
"NO LISTEN TO ME GUYS, HE IS FINE…HE JUST SAID HE WAS SORRY, HE JUST SAID HE RUINED EVERYTHING. HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T. LET ME TELL HIM I FORGIVE HIM. LET ME TELL HIM PLEASE…NO STOP IT"
I thrashed away Javi's arms as I ran to Tristan, cupping his cold face, his face was still, his forehead wasn't creased, and his heaved-up cheeks were still there.
"Tristan LOOK AT ME LOVE, I AM HERE ONLY, I AM NOT LEAVING YOU, JUST SEE, I AM WITH YOUR BABY…JUST LOOK AT ME. OPEN YOUR EYES"
I jerked his body, fisted his chest, and hit him with my fists.
"Tristan PLEASE, Tristan PLEASE…STOP IT"
Everyone looked at me with pity, I didn't care. Javi carried me to him from behind as my fingers slipped from his lifeless face.
No, he didn't die, he didn't die. He is sleeping, he is sleeping
END OF FLASHBACK
I gripped my chest and I screamed, my entire body scattered with the scream as my throat died. Javi looked at me and hugged me, calming me with his sweet words, crying with me, he was warm. but I can feel Tristan's rigid cold body against me, cold lips against mine. My cheeks were drenched in tears. Tears of blood…
What did I do then?
I remember very well, that I convinced myself he didn't die and started rewriting VISIONS OF GIDEON, Just the way I wanted my life to be. Just the way I wanted to see it, I convinced my head, I conversed with my head as I wrote the book new with Tyler being alive and we are living a good life, because in real life, I am not living a good life, I wanted the fiction life. because in fiction everything is happy, there is a happily ever after, but in real life, there isn't.
I wanted to run away from the trauma as always, and I did run away by writing the book. I escaped reality in real life by being in my book. I was living the life of my book, whether in reality, nothing like that happened.
In reality, I was living in trauma, I convinced myself to live in both the worlds, fiction and reality, sometimes I was so much in fiction that I forgot about reality, I behaved the same with Javi as I did, in reality, that's why he didn't know I was living in fiction. Or did he? I wasn't in my real life. my brain made stories and I lived the stories because in the story it was not painful, in the story I was not grieving my husband, and the fact that my child would never see her father was never gonna be true. In reality, I wasn't even there. I wrote gradually as I lived the scenes, I wrote Javi's point of view and Tristan's. I wanted to live with the story because, in the story, Tristan didn't leave me, in the story I forgave him and gave him his child. In the story, I was happy with my family and it was a happily ever after. I wanted that
I went with the flow, I wrote everything that happened and everything that I wanted to happen. I made Tristan alive in this story. Tristan didn't die in the story. Today the book was launched as I wrote the last scene with Tyler leaving Hira on the book launch of her newest book umbrella. In real life, I didn't get to finish Umbrella, I started writing it but after Tristan's death, I started rewriting VISIONS OF A GIDEON
Today the book was launched and I was so immersed in my fiction life that I thought Tristan was there with me. but never came in front. I made Tristan live for 2 years more in my memories, in blood and flesh, and as a great father. But in real, I went with Javi to Milan and saw his office which he made me see, I didn't run away from Tristan after filing a divorce, I went with Javi without our argument, that day I wrote the chapter HIM, I remember Javi told me he knew about Tristan cheating on me and asking me why didn't I tell him that, that day I wrote the scene YOU CAN LEAVE, the day I went to his office for the first time holding his hands, I wrote the fake scene MY YOU, but the portrait of mine was there in real life too, of course I loved Javi, but there wasn't any dramatic consequences, like my book. The day I wrote Euphoria, day was Tristan's first death anniversary, everyone went to the graveyard and I insisted I stay at home, I wrote the scene Euphoria where I gave birth to Maira and made him happy, and until now whenever I can't live in reality, whenever it pains me, I live in fiction where Tristan comes to visit us, whenever I need to run away from the trauma, I live in the fiction life.
I understood, I was sick, and everyone knows. Maybe Javi also knows me now, but still, he holds me every night. That's why he said to take a vacation so that I can come to reality again.
I looked at Javi's worried eyes
"Since when Javi?"
He looked down sighing as he said
"Since the night he died, you halt your life and live in another world, you phase out, you blank out of real life and behave like Hira of your book who is with Jason now. You love me the same in both lives. But you hate the death scene of Tristan so whenever you remember it you open your book and read the pages thinking Tristan is alive, happily living with us in this world. again after a while, you become normal as if nothing happened, as if you moved on from Tristan's death, when Maira called me dada, the first time, you were happy for me for a while, then again you zoned out thinking how Maira would call Tristan, how Tristan would react.
I hugged him and burst into tears
"I am sorry Javi, I am sorry."
He kissed me hard and made me believe it was him. I sighed against his lips.
"It's alright Hiraeth, the longer time will pass the more you will forget the fiction, you will come back to me fully. I trust you"
I nodded as I peeked at the letter lying on the ground, it wasn't a letter now, it was the reports of Maira. I can see it.
"Javi, let's go somewhere else, I don't like it here. Let's leave..with Maira. Just you and me. I won't write anymore"
"no Hiraeth, you can't stop your dreams just because you zoned out a lot of times and wanted fiction to be your life"
"No Javi, I will not write ever again. I will get a job somewhere else. I will never look at any books let alone write anything. I am done with it. let's go, I want to stay in reality with you, Tristan's death has taken everything from me. make me live a little now please"
He nodded as he kissed my forehead, his eyes were teary
"What letter were you talking about?"
I hugged him again
"Nothing love, just like I felt Tristan came and told me to free him, and I did. I freed him"
He nodded, wrapping his arms around my waist and carrying me to our baby, Javi's and mine. I breathed heavily and heavily.
Life is so unpredictable right? I became the destroyer and Tristan became the Vision. We lived a fiction and a life together.
5 YEAR LATER
"Mom, whose grave is it?"
Maira asked as she for the first time came to the graveyard where her father was buried.
"someone special, someone with the sun in his eyes"
Her doe eyes widened and said
"SUN? IS HE DEAD MOM? IS HE YOUR FRIEND"
I laughed looking down
"NO HE ISN'T DEAD BABY, HE IS WITH GOD, SOMETIMES GOD CALLS THE PEOPLE, HE LOVES MORE THAN ANYTHING, EARLIER TO HIM, GOD CALLED HIM BECAUSE HE MISSED HIM. AND HE ISN'T A FRIEND, HE IS MY WORDS, MY BOOKS, AND MY VOICE"
She looked at me with a pout on her lips, her little pigtails swaying in the air, she was wearing a pink frock, she was the female version of Tristan, the more she grew up, the more she became like Tristan, body stretcher petite hands, milky caramel skin, her eyes bambi like her father, her smile boxy like her father, she is the recreation of Tristan. She is 7 years old now and writes songs in her little diary. She can make sentences, talk about saving people, tune with the words she wrote, and her face is covered in moles, just where her father's moles were situated. Javi isn't here. We came here today, why?
Just because I wanted my daughter to be with her father for a while and breathe the same air, Javi doesn't have that place that Tristan already has. We can't deny it.
"MOM WHY GOD LOVED HIM MORE THAN US?"
"BECAUSE HE IS A GOOD MAN, AND HE MADE SO MANY PEOPLE HAPPY, THAT'S WHY GOD LOVED HIM MORE THAN ALL OF US"
"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM, JUST LIKE GOD"
She clapped her hands as I smiled, I didn't cry, my heart was at peace, in calmness. My eyes glossed somehow
We never told Maira, her father isn't in this world. Her eyes are sun-like too, but not as dense as Tristan's. She has monolids and double eyelids like her father but the color of the eyes is like mine.
"MOM HOW IS HE YOUR WORDS?"
I laughed bopping my nose with her, as we were sitting on the ground where dandelions were born near Tristan's grave she scrunched her nose, just like Tristan, she is a copy of her father, I could cry. I won't cry today, after so many years I am happy and satisfied with how life is. Javi is there for us in every sector. But amidst happiness, my heart's one corner is empty and it will always be.
"MY WORDS AS IN, UHM. YOU WRITE SONGS IN YOUR LITTLE DIARY BOOK DON'T YOU?"
She nodded with her round curious puppy eyes
"JUST LIKE THAT I USED TO WRITE TOO AND YOUR FATHER TOO. WE WROTE BECAUSE WE LOVED EACH OTHER AND IN LOVE WE CAN WRITE WORDS. AND WORDS BECOME PRETTY WORDS AT ONE POINT BECAUSE WE WRITE IT WITH LOVE, HE WAS MY LOVE, HE WAS MY PRETTY WORDS"
"But Mom I don't love anyone"
I laughed and said
"WHO SAID YOU DON'T, YOU LOVE ME, YOU LOVE YOUR DADA, YOU LOVE YOUR BEST FRIEND RIMI, YOU LOVE JAYCEE, YOU LOVE Nathan UNCLE, YOU LOVE Nicholas UNCLE, AUNT LUCY, YOU LOVE THEM THAT'S WHY YOU CAN WRITE IT."
She nodded without getting confused when I told her her father used to write because her dad writes. Her father is no more. I said about Tristan and she doesn't have to know it. she took a dandelion flower in her hand and started blowing as the panels smeared against the front of Tristan's grave
"see Tristan your daughter gave you flowers"
I murmured
She didn't hear it. she doesn't need to. I looked at the grave. My first love, my husband, my Tristan. Rest in peace. I love you just like the sunflower loves the sun.
"DADA"
Maira screamed giggling in between as she started running towards Javi, I looked at Javi, looking at us as if he always dreamt of it. he spread his arms as Maira ran to him, he carried Maira, and their laugh echoed in the graveyard, and the sun was almost setting. I looked at the sky. I saw the sun setting sitting there in silence as in the background Maira and Javi's squeals were heard. This is my home. my Javi, my Maira, and my Tristan. Breathing and living as fine as ever. I got up as Javi gestured to me, I went to him and he looked at me with the same love he had for a decade now. His smile had freckles and the mole was still pretty, stars were there in his eyes, and I loved him more than anything.
We walked as Javi held my hand, interlacing my fingers with his one hand and the other one was carrying Maira. I looked back and I saw the wind had already moved the dandelion petals from his grave, but then a sudden wave came and the dandelions tilted their heads in the grave's direction. The whole grave was decorated with dandelion petals in a few seconds
VISIONS OF A GIDEON OFFICIALLY ENDING WITH THE END OF VISIONS, JUST WITH THE REMAINING GIDEON.
This book is for my husband
-Hiraeth
THE END