The doorbell rings. It must be early. I can tell from the orange light slicing through the space between the window frame and the roll-down curtains. I search around for the clock on the night bed.
3:27. A fucking M.
I stumble out of bed. I check on Chloe who's in the next room. She's snoring.
I silently close her door and get to the intercom.
'Who is it?'
'Open up.'
I stare at the bluish face that's coming out in fuzzy pixels through the monitor.
Fuck.
'Come up,' I whisper.
I open the front door and wait.
'Are you fucking crazy?'
Cyn walks in. She wears a short skit and a top. A push-up bra elevates her breasts that giggle like two large puddings.
She slides her tongue down my throat. That's her answer.
'My daughter is sleeping in the next room,' I say, pushing her away.
'I don't know if I can't be quiet when I'm with you…' she whispers and lounges forward to bite my earlobe.
'Ouch!'
'Shhh!' she says, running a long fingernail along my cheek.
She moves closer, and I feel her breasts, large and soft, against my chest.
'Come!' I tell her.
'Willingly,' she purrs.
I drag her into my bedroom. It's dark and we can barely see each other. We're just darker, more solid shadows in the blackness of the room.
'Are you crazy?' I ask.
'You told me to find a better time!' she says.
I'm still groggy, half-asleep.
Cyn cups my crotch and begins to fondle my genitals.
'You can't do this!' I say.
'Do what?' she replies in a singing tone. 'Uh? This?'
She squeezes my balls.
'Fuck!' I hold in a scream.
She continues, she fondles me, and I know that she can feel that my dick is beginning to engorge. My words mean nothing. I can say whatever I want, but she can feel the truth.
I'm about to ask her if she's purposefully trying to piss me off, but I realise that that's exactly what she's trying to do.
'Listen to me,' I say firmly. 'You can't do this, ok?'
I'm getting seriously worked up.
'Or what?' she asks weighing my junk in her hand. She holds the outline of my dick and focuses on it, feeling it push against the fabric.
Fuck! Fine.
'Or… Or I need to punish you,' I say, and I get a hold of her wrist firmly, taking her hand away from my genitals.
'Ouch!' she says.
I twist it a little.
'Hey! This hurst,' she says.
'I told you to be quiet. Didn't I?' I think for a moment. Then, I add: 'Are you wearing undies?'
'Yes…' she says.
'Take them off.'
'Here,' she says.
I wave my hand in the darkness, then I feel the fabric between her fingers. I take the garment. I give it a little smell. It's fabric softener and female scent.
'Open your mouth.'
'What…?' she asks.
'If you won't stay quiet, I must keep you quiet. Open!'
I rub her undies against her lips, then I stuff them between her teeth.
'Now, you will be quiet,' I say.
In the dark, I feel her tits. I run my hands along their domed surface. They're large and soft. I'm slowly getting harder.
'Is this why you came?' I ask, not expecting an answer.
Cyn comes closer and begins to rub herself against me.
I make her lift her arms, and I lift her top. While she has her arms raised above her head, I give her armpit a little sniff. Her natural smell excites me. I undo her bra, and I caress her boobs, so large and heavy and yielding to the touch.
I can now feel the smooth skin, and I indulge on the nipples. I gently rub them and give them little squeezes.
'Now, get naked,' I say.
I hear the sound of her skirt drop to the floor.
Cynthia searches for my hand and moves it towards her. With my fingertips I feel her pubic hair. I give it a little pull.
I listen to the soft, muffled cry that Cyn gives through the fabric in her mouth.
'Is this what you want?'
No answer.
'I'll take it as a yes.'
I put a hand between her thighs and begin to rub her clit.
Cyn breathes deeply and hums in appreciation.
Then, I get impatient. I turn Cyn around and make her bend over the bed.
'Mmh?' she asks.
I stick my tongue between her butt cheeks and begin to lick her from her clit to her asshole. Up and down, as if I was painting a wall, up and down.
Then, without warning, I give her pussy a slap.
'Mpf!!!'
Then, I go down and lick again. Up and down. Can you feel my nice brush, Cyn? Is this the fine tune you've been telling your friends about? Do you like your new coat of saliva?
I can feel her thick labia with my tongue, the opening to her vagina, her asshole.
Slap!
'Mmmh!' she cries through her muzzle.
I climb on top of her, my stomach against her back.
'You've been naughty, and you have to be punished,' I whisper.
I can hear her breathing. A little worried, a little excited.
'Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,' I say, rubbing my dick between her cheeks. 'Pussy or ass… Pussy or ass…'
'Mmmh!' she answers. 'Mmh!'
'Spread your ass,' I say.
'Mmmh…' she says again, pleadingly.
I raise my hand. Slap!
'Mpf!'
'Spread it.'
She places her hands on each hemisphere of her bottom.
I wonder if I'm going too far.
'Is this what you want? You want me to punish you?'
'Mmmm…' she moans, and I can tell she's willing to play along.
I spit on my fingers, and I slide one finger inside her asshole. Then, a second one. I can feel her tightening. Then, I say:
'What I really can't stand is the fact that you've been talking about me behind my back.'
'Mmh?' she asks, started for a moment.
'A few too many people know about how I fine tune you, don't they?'
She says nothing. She waits.
Without wasting another moment, I push in a third finger.
Cyn moans.
I move the fingers around a little, stretching her, giving her orifice the time to adjust. I push my fingers in to the knuckles.
'Mmh… mmh…' she pants.
'Is this enough?' I ask. 'Tsk, tsk, tsk. I don't think you've learnt your lesson.'
I take my fingers out, and with my thumbs I open her asshole.
We both know she's free to go, and this would be the time, but she doesn't move. She waits.
I drool as much saliva as I can summon into the opening. I hold my dick between thumb and index, and I press the glans against the orifice, which seems to have closed once again. It feels tight, and I push slowly.
Through the fabric of the undies stuffed in her mouth, I hear her groan, softly, quietly, a little worried about what's about to happen.
Her ass is tighter than I expected. I stop for a moment and give her a chance to relax.
I can feel my dick throbbing against the inner lining.
After a pause, she seems to be asking a question.
'Mmmh?'
'You ready? I ask.
A pause. I hear her taking big breaths.
'Mmh, mh,' she says finally.
I push my dick further inside. One inch.
'Mmh…'
Another inch.
'Mmh?'
Then, without stopping, all the way in.
'Mmmmh! Mmmh!'
It's the sound of surprise, but also of the expectation that more is coming.
I realise I am taking her virginity. I have a suspicion that, in some ways, I also took Yvonne's and Rachel's. This second virginity that these women, so powerful and respected, didn't suspect they still possessed. They thought they knew everything. They thought they had everything.
Then, I show them this secret compartment to their lives. The anus, the pain, the letting go. They allow me, a nobody, to explore them, to intrude into crevices they believed unpracticable. Then, once the passage is open, who knows what that will mean to their settled lives. Their husbands don't know the secret. It's just these women and me, this stranger.
Even Cynthia, who I took for the leader of the trio, couldn't stand the temptation to allow me in, once I showed I was willing to explore her body with her! She looked so sure of herself, so superior. Now, she's underneath me, her ass spread wide, open to the appetite and the curiosity of my penis.
'Bad girls must be punished,' I whisper getting closer to her ear.
Her mane of hair nods in agreement.
I give a little, stronger thrust.
'Mmmh!'
I can feel the muscles on her back tense, then relax as she waits for the next push.
Now, I begin to move back and forth in small swings. I reach out with a hand and feel her breasts squashed against the mat under her torso. I give it a squeeze and push my dick further in at the same time.
'Mmh… Mmh!'
'Have you learned to behave?' I ask.
Once again, I feel her nodding against my cheek.
'Good… Good… Then, we can give you a little reward for…,' I give another push to which she moans, 'a lesson well learnt.'
I move my hand down and search for her clit. She opens her legs further apart.
'Do you like this?'
She nods, sniffling a little.
I can feel her large buttocks against my thighs and the pressure of her anus around my dick. Cyn is getting used to this intruder.
I massage the clit. I run my hand through the thick hair, rubbing the engorged organ. I search for her vagina and put two fingers in. Fuck, she's so wet! I move my well-lubricated fingers back to the clit and rub again, sliding my hands through the hair that covers the folds of her genitals.
Cyn cries out a long, low moan of gratitude, as if I was pouring water on a raging fire. She moves back and forth underneath me, following my rhythm.
Now, her moans accompany each movement of my body. Each time I push my dick in, she gives out a muffled cry of pleasure. Now and then, as my rubbing brings her closer to orgasming, she clenches her muscles, tighter tighter, choking my dick. Then, unable to sustain the effort, she lets go, allowing me to slide in more freely, further in. Little by little, every barries, every mental block she has about being fucked in the ass is crumbling down. Now, the pleasure of being touched and the discomfort of my dick going up and down this unfamiliar path blend into each other.
I am about to come and forget about her clit for a moment. I grab her ass, and I slide back. Only the tip of my dick is inside her. Then, I ram the whole length back in.
'Mmmh!'
Out again.
She breathes in and out.
I push in again.
'Mmmmh!'
I help Cyn up, and she sits on all fours. I am squatting behind her, and I'm now fucking her doggystyle, going in and out her asshole, that is now offering me free, unimpeded passage.
Now and then, I feel her fingers against my balls: she's masturbating on her own, looking for some solace through this punishment.
I give a few big pushes, and I come inside her.
'Fu-uck!' I groan.
I know she's still going. Moving her fingers frantically, trying to find an orgasm in this unfamiliar condition, she's rushing towards it like a blind, crazy bull, escaped from its pen, charging through city streets. It skids, and it howls, and it breaks everything on its path.
I begin to slide out of her, but she makes a noise, ordering me to remain. So, I push my dick back in until my balls touch her skin.
Cyn clenches her butt around it.
Not knowing what I'm doing, I begin to slap her ass over and over, finding a new desire to torment her.
'Come on!'
Cynthia moans through her gag. Then, I hear the pitch ascend, growing in volume.
I give a few small thrusts with my dick, and she moans again, louder, in a higher pitch which finally falls down by an octave into a long groan.
She's finished. Exhausted, she lowers down onto her stomach.
I slide out of her ass and lie next to her. I search for her mouth with my fingers and take the underpants out, not sure what to expect.
'You're free to talk now.'
'That… was… amazing…' she pants, incapable of staying in character and playing the naughty girl who needs punishing.
I caress her ass for a moment.
She turns on her side, and I feel her large breasts against my body.
'I didn't expect that,' she says.
'What did you expect?'
She thinks for a moment. Still a little shaken and out of breath, she says:
'I don't know. Not this.'
'Upset?'
She laughs:
'It was better than anything I could have thought of... Thank you.'
She rests her head on my shoulder, lost in thought. Finally, she gets up, looks for her clothes in the dark and leaves.
I quickly fall asleep.
Despite my broken sleep, I'm chirpy the next morning. I walk to school with Chloe, and we have a little chat on the way. We talk about her friends, lunches from the canteen, vacation camps, what we can do on the weekend. Everything but the fact that her mum and I have broken up.
After the divorce was settled, I sat down Chloe and explained the whole thing to her. She took it in and said nothing. She didn't ask about arrangements, where she would sleep, when she would see me or Sarah, if we still loved her, if it was her fault we had broken up. Over the previous years, she had seen enough of our bickering to know it was better to let it play out and accept whatever came her way.
We still haven't discussed how the changes have affected her life. How she feels about the whole situation. From time to time, I ask her how she's going, and all I get is a bright smile and a thumb up. I wonder if there might be an explosion one day, or if she can (or should) keep up this pretention that her life is great. I also wonder if she pretends to be happy for my sake or hers.
Either way, I feel like shit when I think about it. I would love to make things truly perfect for her, but I'm not entirely sure how.
Still, broken memories of the night come back to me. What strikes me every time about Cyn is her body odour, deep and sensual. I think about her round bottom and her heavy breasts. Being with her is like riding a powerful animal. I have to make her submit to my will, and, in that position, she feels fulfilled. She needs to feel like she is fighting me; she rebels against me; she looks for a way out, but, every time, eventually I dominate her, and once again she comes under my eyes. Once again, she confronts her nature, what she truly wants and what truly gets her off.
As Chloe and I arrive to school, I notice Alice, which drags me back into the present.
As usual, she hangs around until the bell rings to keep an eye on her kid. Losing her husband must have made her more anxious about the people she loves, and, in her discrete way, she must want to ensure that her child doesn't vanish from her life, like her husband did.
Alice must be broken too. She certainly understands what I've been through (and am still going through) with Sarah, unlike Cynthia or Yvonne or Rachel, who I imagine have never had to sacrifice anything.
Alice has gone out of her way to ask me how I was doing. She has recommended a book that helped her through tough times. But I've never asked her how she was or tried to understand her pain. She's just another mum at the school, whose life has no interest to me. In fact, I plainly ignored her. This thought suddenly torments me.
Now, it's impossible to distract myself with the memory of last night with Cyn. I try to forget about Alice and to think about the night with Cynthia, but my thoughts don't want to go there anymore. That was then; that was something that happened in the dark. Here and now, under the sun, where people don't stuff undies into each other's mouths and fuck each other angrily in the ass, where people are nice to one other, and ask: 'how are you', and recommend good books, and are polite to each other, my transgression towards Alice comes back with violence. It's a wagging finger to my face that screams: 'You asshole!'
The thing is that Alice is nice.
Sarah, my ex-wife, has not tried to be nice to me in a long while. The other women in my life, Cyn, Yvonne, and Rachel, are not nice to me either. Truly nice. We do things together; we get each other off, and then we move on. Ours is just a transaction.
Alice doesn't want anything but being friendly towards me…
I walk towards her to apologise about my behaviour. I was in a rush, after all. But she sees me, and she gives me her usual, polite smile, and she walks off. She doesn't wait for the bell. She just turns around and go.
What stings is that, after Sarah and I divorced, I had the opportunity to rebuild my own life. I could surround myself with people that are, for once, good for me. I can build meaningful relationships. And what do I do? I sleep around. I let others use me as their form of escape, full knowing they can go back to their enviable lives whenever they're done with me, while I am stuck with… nothing.
It's this sort of feeling that starts to brew inside me. It's hard to accept it, that I'm not totally cut for a life of tom catting. I just need a friend.
Doctor Connor is not a friend. Cyn and her clique are not my friends.
Sarah and I broke up, and I haven't truly talked about it with anybody. I've been evading every chance to actually connect. I've avoided the therapist's questions. I am no different to Chloe. Except she's a child, and I should know better by now.
I have taken refuge in the occasional encounters with these women. But a week may go by when I don't see or talk to any of them. They don't miss me, and, I guess, I don't miss them when they're not around. It's just a diversion for all of us. It's certainly not a necessity.
Maybe someone like Alice, someone I don't need to gag and fuck, or suck and choke, or deepthroat and finger, would do me some good. Maybe a true friend is a necessity.
But I can't face these feelings yet. I'm a glutton before a mountain of sweets. I guess the stomach-ache or the caried tooth have not showed up yet.
Anyway, the notion that I have hurt a good, disinterested person who was trying to help me, rather than serve herself, stings a little, and there's nothing on the horizon to make me forget it just as yet. Only another day at work, where I will have to do my best to actually do what's necessary, even though it might be hard.
While I find some consolation in the prospect of a day of drudgery behind a desk, without noticing, something changes. I have made many false steps, some without knowing and some in full conscience. They all meant nothing. They were all forgettable and forgivable.
Something happens that pushes me past the tipping point and into my downfall.