Prytaneum
Poach
"You're distracted, Mr. Jackson," Ryuu said, tilting her head. "Or, perhaps, you're distracting yourself."
"Huh?" I asked, surprised at the first bit of conversation in several hours. When the words themselves finally registered, I looked down slowly. "Oh…"
"You've been that way for several days now," Ryuu noted, making me wince slightly.
"Whoops," I said, chuckling in a poor attempt to laugh it off. "Have I been sloppy?"
It was possible, seeing as I was distracted. I didn't feel like I'd been holding back—I was sweating as badly as I would after a real fight in the Dungeon, if not harder than most, given Ryuu's strength—but fighting hard wasn't the same as fighting well, and these practice sessions had become like a blur to me, as had most of the last few days. Whatever her intentions, Mia had dragged some things to light that I didn't really want to think about or face.
So I was doing the only thing I really could do about most of my problems—I was ignoring the hell out of them. I already knew my odds of finding my friends the way I had been going were pretty abysmal. That the chances of me being in the right place at the right time in the colossal death trap that was the Labyrinth to save someone, if and when they emerged, were pretty hopeless. I knew that.
It didn't matter. Even if it was painfully obvious I was grasping at straws, it wasn't impossible. The list of issues with what I was doing could fill a book and maybe someday I'd find an answer to some of those problem. Or maybe I wouldn't. One way or the other, though, I knew I couldn't stop, as long as that possibility remained.
"No," Ryuu mused after a long moment, shaking her head. "If anything, you have perhaps been fighting too hard for a simple sparing match. However, if the goal is to improve your Status, perhaps that is for the best."
"I…see," I said, scratching the back of my head awkwardly. I guess I had been throwing myself into anything I could find pretty hard. I trained in the morning with Ryuu, spent most of the day making stuff with Welf and Wayland, went home to eat supper with Hestia and sometimes Lili, and then repeated the process all over again. I kept myself as busy as I could, like I had during that first week in the Dungeon.
But hey. At least I was getting a lot of work done.
"Are you troubled by Mama Mia's words?" Ryuu asked, drawing back. I guess our sparring session was over today, seeing as it was after dawn. We'd gone longer than usual and I hadn't even noticed.
I considered not responding for a long moment before finally giving her a slight nod.
"Do you…?" I began without thinking, surprising myself with how worried my own tone was. "Never mind."
"Do I think she was correct?" Ryuu finished regardless and seemed to consider it. "I'm afraid I don't have an answer, Mr. Jackson. Or rather, I have no right to speak on this matter."
I nodded slowly, pretty sure I understood what she was getting at—but then I shook my head.
"Right or not, I'd like to hear what you think, Ryuu," I said.
Ryuu sighed slightly at that, as if she'd been put in a tight spot, but nodded and looked towards me.
"I think, in a way, Mama Mia is right. Without prying into your past, it's obvious that there are things she wouldn't understand—but rather than pasts, I think she is fairly good at judging people. Or, at least, that's how I've always felt when she said similar things to me."
"You've gotten chewed out, too?" I asked, nearly smiling.
"A number of times, for a number of reasons, some of them similar to your own," Ryuu replied, closing her eyes for a moment, as if remembering them. "While there is much I could argue about, I think the core truth of her words remains—I think that they would be happier if I could just put aside my hatred. And sometimes…"
Ryuu paused, opening her eyes and looking away.
"Sometimes, I almost believe I could," She continued. "When I'm with the others, working in the Hostess of Fertility…I am happy, just being with them. I find myself thinking I wouldn't mind if these days just went on forever, if I just forgot about everything else. But then something will happen that reminds me again and it still hurts as much as it did back then. I…sent my goddess away from Orario, after my Familia died, but not out of concern for her safety. Rather, I simply did not want her to see what I had become, and it's something I can't forget or change. We fought for justice, before, protecting a city that was being consumed from within and keeping the people safe. That's what we…they fought for and what they were willing to die for. However, I tarnished those ideals long ago. When I killed everyone associated with the target of my hatred, when I slaughtered them just on suspicion or association, when I spread death and destruction through the city…"
She shook her head again.
"I cannot paint such a thing as anything so clean as justice," She said. "I simply wanted revenge, whatever the cost. Many innocent people, or people whose only crime was selling things to their customers or performing their jobs, I crushed mercilessly for their ties to my enemy. After all of that, I do not believe I have any particular moral right to hunt even such an organization as Evilus—but I cannot do anything else, even knowing that. When I think of them, when I remember what they did, I still feel the rage I felt that day, even with everything that should hold me in check. She…Alise, she would tell me to stop, I think. Even with everything that happened, I believe she would want me to stop, both to allow for the proper execution of justice and for my own sake. To live and find a way to be happy. If she were here, if they were here, I'm sure that's what they'd tell me to do. But because they're gone, I can't. Even if the opportunity is right in front of me, even if I think I could, I can't. You're…the same way, aren't you Mr. Jackson."
"Yeah," I said, at once relieved that there was someone else who understood and pained that there was someone else who understood.
"Maybe one day, that will change," Ryuu mused. "The time I spend with my friends…maybe it's making things easier. Maybe one day, I really could…but I can't now. Even after all this time, the wound still feels raw and I'm simply not strong enough to move past it. Selfishly, I think it would be nice if you could do so instead and be truly happy here, but that would be even more unreasonable than asking such a thing of me."
"Do you think it's possible?" I asked, honestly not sure if I did. Again, it didn't really matter. "Do you think I could find them again?"
"Perhaps," She said. "Given the only evidence we have, I cannot say the odds seem good, but …I believe that, even if it seems impossible, I would like for you to be able to see your friends again, Mr. Jackson. I think that would make you happy and…it would make me happy as well. Do not worry; I think that everyone tends to be somewhat foolish and selfish, when it comes to matters of the heart. Rather than being right or wrong, I suspect that's merely a result of being alive."
I nodded, not really relieved or reassured, but…touched, I guess. Seeing that, for just a brief moment, Ryuu smiled at me gently, the expression almost dangerously beauty, and it was enough to make me look away embarrassedly.
"And also…even if there are no other signs, there are stories, still," She told me. "After Daedalus street, I considered it, but if you come from the past, then perhaps you might find something in old tales. There are many that have faded and been nearly lost, coming from before the God's gave mortals their Blessings—before history, as we record it now. Perhaps you might find something there that's familiar to you and, if so…perhaps it might help to know that while they may be gone, perhaps they're not truly forgotten. Just a thought."
"Yeah," I replied to the kind words, wondering how exactly how I should go about looking into that but intrigued by the possibility. "Any idea where to start?"
Ryuu shook her head.
"I'm afraid I have not had time for such stories in quite a while," She answered apologetically. "Most tales of heroes fighting monsters lose their luster when one fights monsters themselves and most are now remembering only in fairy tales. The only legends that are truly memorable to me are those which were passed down by the gods as the names for new heroes. Elgarm, Jormungand, Bringar, Perseus—"
I shook my head slightly as the unfamiliar names crawled by, before stopping when an unexpected one popped up.
"I'm Perseus," I told her abruptly, making her tilt her head. A little embarrassed, I clarified. "My name is Perseus, I mean. It's just...only my dad really calls me that. They're probably thinking of the other Perseus, though. My cousin came first by a few thousand years."
"It would appear that you have an interesting family," Ryuu replied.
I opened my mouth to reply before remember that this was another of those things I tried not to think about.
"…Yeah, let's go with that," I said. "Thanks again for all the help Ryuu. I'll tell you if I find anything at the party, okay?"