"Why did you try to save me?" He asked in a tone someone would use when the one being spoken to had behaved silly.
I had no answer. I wasn't being rational. It would sound clever if I were to say I did so to show him that I was trustworthy and that he should no longer cast any doubt on me. That wasn't true, however, the truth was, I thought of nothing. It was a pure subconscious reflex that got through me. I wished I had used my head instead.
"If I died," he said, "you'd be freed."
"I'd rather not spend any time mourning your untimely and scandalous death," I said, "Thomas Murphy needs to make a grand exit if he was to die of an unnatural cause."
Stood by the bed with his hands clasped, he was in a grave state of silence.
"You can have some time off," he eventually said, "but don't take advantage of it."
I nodded in appreciation of his rare generosity.
"Is she alive?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied grimly. I almost saw a trace of guilt in his eyes. "I assure you she won't be anywhere near you ever again."
"You don't have to assure me anything," I said flatly. "I'm sorry she got shot."
He stared deeply into my eyes for a few seconds before he cleared his throat and left.
-----
For two weeks, I stayed in bed. I needed to stay away from the world on the other side of the door. I was tired, exhausted from going around. This time I wanted to be just a little more selfish, to be left alone.
Lizzie was the first to be allowed to visit me.
"I'm glad you're still alive," she said as soon as she entered the room. "You're lucky, you know. You could've died."
"That's certainly a possibility when one gets shot," I said straight-faced.
She rolled her eyes and sat on the edge of the bed without asking.
"Seriously," she stared into my eyes, "don't be stupid and get yourself killed."
"Were you worried about me?" I teased. "That's kind of you."
She raised her eyebrows: "Not at all."
"It could've been your brother," I said.
"He deserves to get shot," she curled her lips, "for what he's done to this family and everyone involved, he deserves to get shot at least once."
I sighed: "Now tell me what's been happening."
"Well," she threw her gloved hands, "business as usual."
"How's Laurie?"
"More worried than anyone else," she pursed her lips. "Thomas won't let him see you yet. And he made me promise to call him as soon as I get back."
I frowned. I'd like to ask more about Laurie, though I knew Lizzie wouldn't feel at ease talking about it inside this house. Instead, I inquired about Emma.
"I'm seriously concerned about her," Lizzie laced her fingers. "As her physical state improves, her mind goes down a spiral. She told me that she's been having these dreams where the Chang boy asks her to follow him. She said she'd go with him but she's too weak to take the leap."
Lizzie paused. Lowering her eyes, she began twisting her thumbs.
I reached for her hand and gently squeezed it. I needed her to know that I cared for her and Emma, even though nothing I said would make her feel better.
"I'm here to tell you that you need to get the fuck out of this bed." She wouldn't look at me. "As much as I hate saying it, this family needs you to have your shit together."
"I'm not sure if there's anything I can do," I said quietly.
"There must be something," she sounded desperate. She pulled her hand out of my grip and held my hand in hers. "I can't afford to lose Emma. She's everything to me. Please, do something. Don't you want to be free? Stop Thomas' madness and leave with Laurie. I'll do what I can to help you."
-----
Laurie closed the door behind him and quickly came to my side. It was nighttime, and I sat in a chair by the window, staring into the forest's darkness. Seeing him, I smiled. He didn't. He was pale, and a shadow hovered over his face. His boyish looks hadn't changed, though his already prominent cheeks and jaw had become more pronounced. The boyishness in his eyes, however, had diminished.
"I'm so glad that I finally got to see you," he pulled the chair forward to sit close to me; his knees were touching my thighs. "You have no idea how worried I was and still am. You've lost so much blood, and you weigh so little. I was terrified you wouldn't make it."
"Laurie, darling, it's all right. Look, I'm fine," I said softly. Smiling, I ran my fingers through his curls: "Thank you for saving my life."
"Don't thank me as if I could just stand there and watch you die," in distress and sorrowfulness, he started shaking his head. "I don't feel good about shooting a woman. I could've killed her. On the contrary, I feel rather ashamed. But I had to do it. My life – as miserable and pathetic as it already is – would only become more excruciatingly unbearable without you. And I can't even imagine, not even the slightest, how it would be like if you died that night."
"You're too kind," I was wracked with guilt. My hand slid down his hair and fell on my lap. "If anyone should feel ashamed, that'd be me. I broke your heart, then shamelessly went back to you and begged for love and forgiveness. I don't deserve your mercy or compassion."
"You're talking nonsense. We shouldn't dwell on the past, should we?" He held my face in his hands, and his forehead was against mine. "I was a silly, spoiled boy back then, and who could blame you for your choice? I can't say I've grown much more now. However, as my coyness begins to shed, I'm determined not to let Thomas direct my life."
A tingle was felt in my nose as I tried all my might to stay dry-eyed.
"I want you to believe me when I say we should leave it all behind," he said unwaveringly. "With what's been going on, I'm convinced that an opportunity will arise. Then we'll finally be free. We can move to New York, where no ridiculous law can keep us apart. I can try my luck in the theater again, and I'm sure Lizzie would help."
"What about the nepotism you resent?" I asked.
"I hope God forgives me for being greedy and wanting to be happy for once," he answered.
He kissed me. At first, it was gentle, as if he worried that I'd disappear or break. Then it ceded into a mixture of passion and despair.
-----
I was finishing the last bites of my breakfast at the head of the dining table where Thomas usually sat when Clarence came to me.
He leaned against the door frame and hesitated to speak. I glanced over and chose to wait. It must've taken him much courage and self-persuasion to make it this far.
"What's bothering you?" I put down my silverware. "Would you like to tell me?"
"Where's Mary?" He asked bashfully. "It's been months, and I can't find her."
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "You should forget about her and focus on your work."
"What?" He looked up in disbelief. "Do you care at all? She could be dead."
"We all die someday, be it God's will or our own doing." I picked up my fork and stabbed it into the melon. "Don't you want to work in out-takes anymore?"
"What does that have anything…."
"You thought you played smart by telling everyone about Charlie," I interrupted him. "But that only made you unfit for the job. Last time we spoke, I told you that you'd have to listen to me if you want to be in the out-takes. And it was painfully obvious that you've failed your test."
"What do you want?" He bit his bottom lip.
"You came to me for a second chance," I leered. "You think I'm easily persuaded since I'm in a vulnerable state. Correct?"
"You're always so fucking poised," he could no longer control his emotions and slammed his hand on the door frame. "No matter what happened, no one can get a fucking reaction from you. How do you do it? They say you're fucked in the head, both you and father. They say you were born wicked and ruthless, but then I see you being kind and gentle to my brothers. I know you weren't always this way. So how the fuck did you do it?"
"If you want to be in my line of work, you'll have to detach yourself as much as possible," I bit into the fruit. "Eventually, you'll adapt, or you'll break. However, luckily for you, it's not too late to stay away yet."
"Are you mocking me?" He sounded agitated.
"No," I kept my tone neutral, "you're a smart young man. You don't need to be in this business to make something of yourself. For your own sake, you should consider a different path."
"And what? Leave the Murphy family business to you and any bastards you may have with my father?" He scorned. "No, no way. Don't even dare to think about it."
"I have no intention of taking over this business, nor do I want any children," I said honestly. "Do as you please. I won't stop you."
He let out a grunt and walked out. Calmly, I watched him slam the door and slowly reach for my coffee cup.
Ripples were forming in the coffee, and I found my hand shaking.