"Crystal, baby please open the door."
I heard my mum call from the other side, so much worry and sadness in her voice, but I didn't want her to see me in this state, I didn't want her to see the destruction James had caused, although I was so sure she knew how far I had gone. It had been days since that incident and the moment I rushed home, I locked myself in my room.
Days without food or human contact. Crying relentlessly and reliving memories that never even existed. All but in my mind. Mum had always been there, coming to me at least five times a day begging me to eat something. She even made my favourite snacks but nothing was appealing at the moment.
She stood at the door yet again, hoping I would open up. My skin had dried up so bad and the dark circles were so bold, almost looked like I drew them with my eyeliner but alas, it was the result of a shady boyfriend and a devastating heartbreak. I haven't showered in days too, I was a mess, my hair was in utter chaos and my lips were so dry they had multiple cracks and blisters. But I knew I couldn't punish my mum for my foolishness so grudgingly pushed myself off my bed and went to the door.
And when I opened it, I saw my mum on the floor with knees to her chest, waiting for me to open. The moment she heard the sound of the door unlocking, she turned to me to see what I had become and her eyes saddened. She rose to her feet in an instant and let herself in before I changed my mind and closed the door once again.
"Crystal…" she looked at the once beautiful room and how it had become a harbour of sadness. Things were broken here and there, my bed was a mess, clothes were everywhere and when she turned to look at me, I couldn't manage eye contact, and worst of all, I was picking at my skin. She grabbed my hand to make sure I didn't hurt myself any longer, and we sat on the bed, on top of all the clothes and the mess, "is it still hurting?"
"I don't think it will ever stop hurting mum." my voice was breaking and low, I don't remember the last time I had water too.
"I know… I know what it feels like." she embraced me, she was so warm, and she smelled so nice too, it wasn't up to a second before I broke down into tears again, it felt like I was poked in the eye with a needle, crying had made my eyes so sore it was painful to cry. We stayed there for a few minutes before she pulled back to look at me, "but you can always start again."
"From where? He destroyed everything, all my dreams of…" I trailed off, in discomfort, I held my chest, my heart was still hurting, "how?" I wasn't seeing a way like she was.
"Crystal you stalled yourself for a boy, for love. But while the relationship with James has been destroyed, you still have your life to live. You have so much potential baby, and you don't need a man to define that for you too." her hands trailed over my lip and I winced slowly in pain, that was something I was going to have to fix because talking was slightly painful with all the blisters.
But mum was right, I had only been honest with James, and he played me like a game of poker. And while I waited for him, I said no to so many opportunities to better myself as a woman and as a human being. He was out of my life now so I guess the most reasonable thing to do was to go back chasing my dreams.
I had always wanted to be a famous artiste. I could finally be that. But can I?
"Mum…is there anything wrong with me?" remembered what James had said, my body… I did face mockery on a daily basis because I was so tiny and at the same time I was sexualized by multiple people as being the stature of an 'ideal woman', and whenever I heard those things sometimes I wondered how men's brains work. My mum was taken aback when she heard me ask, her eyes widened in an emotion I knew too well.
Fear.
Mum has always taught me to be confident and to raise my head up high, she had spent decades trying to teach that and to have her hard work destroyed in such little time was frightening. Even I was scared that all my confidence had gone down the drain, but I don't know, something in me died when James dumped me. Up till now, I still don't know what it was.
"There has never been anything wrong with you and there will never be anything wrong with you. Everything he said was a lie, that is all he is, a lie. You are perfect baby, and only you can validate that, not anyone else." she cupped my cheeks, afraid to lose her daughter to another man.
"I…" I wanted to say something, but the words vanished from my head, "thanks mum." I accepted it as it was and laid my heavy head on her. She was so warm, I wanted to stay like that for a long time. Eventually I fell asleep on her and when I woke up, she ran a bath for me and promised to make me my favourite dish. And for dinner, we could go out to eat.
I didn't feel as excited as I would have normally been, but it did bring a smile to my face. Mum did everything to make me happy and as days passed, we spent more time together, doing garden work and deep cleaning the house we had been putting off for a while now. During those times, I made sure to get rid of everything that reminded me of James, and she helped me through it, even the ones that were hardest to throw away.
I was getting better, but I still felt like something in me was missing, a real cause for happiness. It has been two weeks since James' birthday and I had gotten up early enough to prepare breakfast, when my mum came down, she didn't expect to see me in the kitchen flipping pancakes.
"It is good to see you smiling again baby." she took a seat, with her head in her arms she admired me be me. I grinned a little while my back was turned, and it became a full-blown smile when my eyes met with hers. She scanned me from head to toe and her head cocked to the side in confusion, "where are you going crystal?" her voice was laced with concern.
"I… I am starting over."