I woke up earlier today despite it being a weekend, I had an appointment at 8am. I felt sluggish.
I couldn't help the shivers as I stood outside my apartment waiting for my ride, leaning against a wall.
My ride reached my front porch instead he parked his care and walked by me. He watched me as he lit a stick of his own, raising a brow at me. He nodded at me asking for a lighter, tossing it him, I shivered from the morning cold. Looking away from his dark brown eyes, I turned to the side ignoring the motion of him running a hand through his curly short hair.
We were on the way to couple's counselling.
When we were done with our cigarettes, he drove us to the location. We sat in the waiting room, as muffled arguements sounded through closed doors. I wonder what the couple in the room talked about.
Sounded like a spicy storytime to me.
He sat opposite me, face nonchalant, crossing his legs despite it being too long for the seat.
He kept silent, glancing around the room.
I opened my mouth to say something but ended up just clearing my throat. We used to be annoyingly attached at the hip and yet now we couldn't look into each other's eyes. We tried talking it out, but just couldn't understand each other and misunderstanding brewed.
My husband had changed and so did I.
The relationship, whatever this messy thing is was tiring. We had been separated for awhile and as some relationships go, sometimes mutual parties lose interests. Sure, yes we both lost interest. We were amicable, I think.
Our therapist suggested living separately as we once did before marriage, and taking it step-by-step like when we started dating by going on dates, and hanging out as 'just friends'. She was horrified to know that, we mostly e-dated in our early stages, due to the pandemic and being avid gamers even when the lockdown ended we still stayed in, but as suggested by the therapist we went on more proper dates, but our interests didn't align.
When in discussion, we talked about where things went wrong and what made us stop communicating with each other.
The therapist pointed out that when the pandemic ended, we both lost something important.
When he mentioned to the therapist that he wanted to restart everything, she suggest to us to remove our wedding bands. It was odd to have to take off the wedding rings. I felt scared, and afraid that if I remove this from my finger, it would be of permanence and we would cease to exist.
The tanline on my ring finger, made the fear echo through my deepest conscience and stayed there. We were told to not wear them by the therapist to properly start again on a clean slate.
I remembered feeling gut wrenching discomfort, as he took it off his finger first almost with ease, slowly and eventually. Something in me broke that day. I didn't know what did, but it had me awake for nights in my thoughts.
It felt awkward on how fast things changed. How did we go from promising each other eternal love and getting wedded in every game in our late teens, and now 7years later, we are separated staying in different apartments across town.
Before the session ended I asked the therapist on her opinion of the 'thing' I texted her about. She asked me to bring out the envelope, and said it's a great idea to rekindle something we had lost, where it all started and then told me to explain more for Alexander.
I saw the blankness in his eyes, and saw coldness.
"It's not what you THINK IT IS.." I shouted panicked, "It is not divorce papers..."
"Hmm?"
"You didn't go to the meet up two days ago.. and Alley had some news to share with the crew, just wanted to share it with you, but it is up to you if you are interested to join.."
Passing the envelope to him, he opened it up. His eyes widening in shock. Probably out of excitement and curiosity. Between the two of us, he was much more adventurous, and wild.
"An advanced gaming device? Beta-testing?"
He expressioned start changing, as he read on. His frown continued to deepen.
"I don't think this is a safe testing, are you going to take this, Gen? One and a half years?"
Hearing his voice worried calling me 'Gen', I looked away and nodded.
"Yeah, a year and half of gaming and then quitting my shitty job, earning good money and then retire. The crew is probably going to try it out too."
"Everyone? Alley, as in your streamer bestfriend? She's literally sponsored by them! They said here that there is a possibility that the human body might fry from the inside, Genevieve."
""Might". They say "might" fry but its been tested that it's safe unless something goes wrong but they have input prevention measures for that too. Read it through."
"Gen, seriously?You're still as reckless than ever, especially about your life and consequences."
I looked at him stunned. How could he say that.
"Hah? Reckless? Reckless is you leaving for a 3-year work outstation without informing me.You left me alone Alex, I was sick."
"I'm sorry Gen, I still don't understand why you're mad. I wanted us to have a good life. I was stuck too Gen, I was stuck in a whole other country away from family and away from you. I thought that once I'm back everything will be okay. Everything will fall back into place, but you and I changed."
"For better or for worse, Alexander. I would have left with you if I knew." The clock ticked as the therapist sighed and scheduled us for another meeting.
Silence filled the room. I took a deep breath, and stood up, he held my wrist.
"Gen, do you want me to..?"
"Do whatever you want Alexander, you already have since the start, what difference does it make now."