What the actual fuck? Why is he standing like that?—
Why is he half-naked? On the rooftop in the early evening, no less!
And I should be scared, running for my life like anyone with any common sense would. But instead, I stood there like the typical idiot in a horror movie, toes curled, eyes fixed on the torso of the half-naked ghost — or whatever he was... with wet blonde hair and those damned piercing blue eyes. Oh, And I also hate to be thirsty, but his body — I mean in all modesty, of course, it was simply… hot.
Yet, I was damn well not letting him leave again without answers. Breathing out, I walked over to him, my fingers finding the pendant that I had hung around my neck, keeping me calm.
As I was about to step further forward, he turned and his eyes met mine; they held me in my tracks. I sucked in air, and a chill wind blew through the rooftop that made everything around me seem… not real.
"Hey," I shouted in a commanding tone but my voice betrayed the shock now evident behind it "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"YOU—" he breathed, somewhere in between shock and panic, before disappearing into nothingness as suddenly as the first time had left me all alone on the rooftop again. The last thing I remember seeing was the surprise on his face.
I furrowed my eyes and rubbed them several times, in order to realize what actually happened. I blinked one moment and I was looking at what seemed to be a half-naked guy with an inexplicably magnetic aura, and the next, the guy was nowhere to be seen. I whirled around to look for him but there was no one – no sign of him anywhere in the rooftop area. Not even a shadow.
Was I hallucinating? I was very confused and wondering if changing a place to live, burying my parents and leaving the familiar surroundings for a new place had made me go mad. I shook my head, trying to shake off the unsettling thought out of my mind.
"No, no, no," I said to myself, walking around in circles. "This can't be right. People do not just disappear like that," I whispered aloud, minimizing the chances of anyone hearing my thoughts so that they would not consider me a candidate for the local shrink… "Ghosts aren't real, and neither are half-naked hallucinations with wet hair and piercing blue eyes that make you want to—"
I put my hands up to my hot cheeks only to stop myself. This was not the time to be daydreaming over some guy I thought I'd seen before but, maybe, actually, I hadn't. I needed to focus. Perhaps he was simply some weirdo who was trying to scare me, or maybe I was more tired than I thought. Anyway, I was not going to let it pass without a response from my end regardless of which interpretation one wants to give to the word 'my'.
Determined to find some kind of explanation for what I had seen, I walked toward the place where he had been standing, my eyes scanned the surface of the concrete, the rather rusty railings, and anything that lay on the floor. But there was nothing. Not even from the people that might have used it occasionally, there was no sign that anyone had been there at all.
The feeling of frustration rose up inside me. "Damn it!" cursing I kicked at the pebbles which rolled away on the rooftop. I felt ridiculous. How could I explain this to anyone without sounding completely insane? "Yeah, well, the other day I saw a man on a roof, and then he disappeared altogether – Oh, and he was half-naked and really hot." Yeah, as if that would go over well.
I let out a sigh then put my hand on my temples, rubbing it. Perhaps I should just go back downstairs and forget all about it, act like nothing happened or that I'm not upset. Despite this, there was something very deep in me, which did not allow me to let go of it. "This was not some crazy vision I was having, I could sense it." The way his eyes had focussed on me, the way it felt when we exchanged looks, this electric feeling as if something significant just happened. It was real. It had to be.
But still, how could it be?
Finally, with some regret, I turned back and headed back to the door that led to the roof. Perhaps I had run out of things that could be accomplished this evening. Perhaps I should get some sleep to clear my head and make a rational decision.
I was blank. I could not think any further – mentally and emotionally, they had checked out. I just started walking. My legs started walking me back to the room on their own accord, the room in which I felt for the first time rather calming.
When I got into my room, my phone rang, startling me. I wasn't ready to deal with anyone since I wanted to be by myself.
I picked it up hesitantly. "Hello?" I whispered, knowing that I wasn't going to like the conversation that I was about to have.
"Still sleeping like you're free after leaving this house?" my aunt snapped me out of slumber.
"I—I…" I lost my command of spoken language and felt a sinking feeling deep down in my chest.
"Stop the act and, for God's sake, act like an adult!" she said furiously. "You told me that you'll be working and be paying us back, and yet look at you, just sleeping there."
"I was going to—"
"Iris, I don't want any excuses. Just pay us back soon or come back and work your ass off to pay us back," my uncle's voice replaced hers, cold and unforgiving. "You need to know that you are not free now that you are out of our house."
"I – I am sorry for my negligence," I struggled to respond, my voice hardly audible. "I will settle this as soon as possible."
"You better do that," he told me roughly, "I want you to send me your address."
"A-address?" I stammered, panic rising in my chest. "I'll message you…"
"Alright," he said before abruptly hanging up, leaving me in the silence of the room.
Greet? Well, maybe I really am out of my mind now to expect that they would at least greet me when it is about "me."
I allowed the phone to fall from my hand onto the bed and I continued to look at the wall. Life… It's hard, truly. ..
Viciously, sleep claims me and finds me instantly; still, it seems that the dreams are far from over; sleep does not liberate me from the man with blue eyes, and the horrifying call from my aunt and uncle. I was alternating between what I thought could be one of the most brilliant decisions I've ever made in my life and also one of the most disastrous.
And within me, the 'I know' part of my mind told me that this is only the beginning.
———————————————————
"I finally got the job!" I mean, yeah, it's just a 'part-time job.' But at least I'm doing something now. It's a start, though, I am still aware that there is no way that one job alone is going to be sufficient. Not when I have to feed, clothe, house, and pay back to them.
My heart rate slows to a stop as I think about it. I never get the feeling that I am using my own money; every dollar, it seems, is spent as soon as it is earned. I can almost imagine them saying that louder and louder: 'More! More!' But what am I left with? I am not allowed to stop now and I can't afford to stop. I've got to go out and hunt for another job, or two, just to keep the head above water.
I look in the direction of the window and see that outside the sky changes the shades of orange and pink. The rooftop comes to mind again. Should I go? I must admit, even to myself at times, that it is rather absurd that I continue to go up there. But it's the only place where I feel and I think about what I should have done in the past, what I am doing now, and what I will do in the future. . . It is as if there is still something or somebody who is looking forward to my arrival, something that cannot be found in the monotony of my daily life.
With a sigh, I decided to head up. Perhaps I just want an excuse, but whatever that is, I need it desperately.
When I step onto the roof today, the sense of absence is even greater than before. The windrows through my hair lightly tickling my skin. The wind is cool, rustling through my hair, but there's no sign of him—no sign of anything, really. Only the endless sky stretches me. I wait and wait, hoping, praying – but the emptiness is almost palpable.
The conspicuous trend continues for the next few days. Particularly after work, I feel an inexplicable desire to return, there is something that pulls me there but I couldn't really find a word for it, and every time I reach the address I am left alone in the dark. No one is there. Nothing happens. I began to doubt whether all of this was really true if maybe I was holding onto a fantasy because it was easier than facing my reality.
But even as the days pass with no sign of him, I can't shake the feeling that there's something more. Out there and still a little far – but with every intention of getting nearer – anticipation. I say to myself that perhaps the climate will change tomorrow and I shall wake up to the solutions I seek.
But one day, nearly about to lose hope, I went to the roof again. And that's when I saw him – this time not staring at the blank space, but running from someone or something. I couldn't quite tell. He was fidgeting, shifting from one place to another in the manner of a man who is trying to run away from something that will kill him if he stops for a second but that is what I couldn't see. It was strange. He came running right by me though he did not even notice I was there.
Common sense told me, I should have turned, and run, and done the wise thing for once. But instead, I just waited there, rooted to the ground with not that different feeling of fascination pulling at me. Automatically my hand reached towards the necklace I wore; a feeling as if my hand would be able to grasp the situation that was unfolding before me. Suddenly, he was right in front of me staring with wide eyes, close enough that I could see the panic in those piercing blue eyes.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I took his hand and pulled him, desperate to find somewhere to hide, fast. But this guy—he was insufferable, by far worse than any of the others I had seen before.
"Leave me!" he spit out, pulling his hand back. "Aren't you with them, trying to kill me?"
"What? I don't even know you!" I shot back, utterly confused.
But he wasn't listening. His paranoid side was showing and I thought, oh no he is going to do something stupid now. My thoughts went on in a frenzy to find out how to console him. The next thing I knew, my hand flew to his mouth to silence him and my other hand clutched my necklace as if it were a source of strength.
He struggled against me, his eyes bulging out in suspicion, but I could not let HIM give us away. He had to be stopped; there was no other way, and I took the risky decision of the moment. There was no other way to silence him—I acted on impulse and slapped him.