It happened as graduation day was fast approaching.
I knew time was running out, and I couldn't keep holding back my feelings. I wanted to confess the love I'd been carrying for so long, even though deep down, I wasn't sure if she would accept it or even feel the same way. But to me, what mattered more was having the courage to speak up, rather than living with the regret of never trying.
Every day, I tried to prepare myself. I talked with my friends who always supported me, and every night, I reassured myself that I was ready to face whatever came—whether it was joy or disappointment.
It might sound silly—I know. Even now, I can laugh at how scared I used to be. But back then, those feelings were so real, so strong, that I knew I had to do it. I had to take that step, even though my heart was filled with doubts and fears.
I knew that this first love might not have a happy ending, but at least, I would know that I had the courage to try, and I wouldn't let fear hold me back.
But despite all the mental preparation, in the end… I couldn't confess my feelings. Why? Because…
About two weeks before graduation exams.
That day, the day before I planned to confess to Akane, I was hanging out at home with my friends.
"I'm going to tell her how I feel tomorrow," I said with confidence, though there was still a hint of nervousness lingering.
But my friends' reactions weren't what I expected. Rentarou, who was usually cheerful, suddenly looked downcast. He looked at me with a face full of guilt, as if something heavy was weighing on him.
"Hikari… there's something I need to tell you," he said quietly, scratching his neck—something he always did when he felt uneasy.
"What is it?" I asked, confused by the way he was speaking.
"Well… I don't know if it's true or not, but my girlfriend told me… Akane recently started dating Kaito."
The world seemed to stop for a moment. My eyes widened, my chest tightened, as if a knife had been plunged into my back. All the confidence I'd just built up crumbled in an instant. My heart ached—so much that I couldn't feel anything but deep, piercing pain.
My other friends were silent, as if they too felt the wound that had just been opened in my heart. Rentarou, who never meant to hurt me, could only look down, guilty for the news he had just delivered.
"I'm sorry, Hikari… I just found out this morning too. My girlfriend heard it from one of her friends, but I'm not sure if it's true or not. Maybe… maybe you should find out for yourself? Ask someone close to Kaito?"
I was silent, trying to process what I had just heard. Why did it hurt so much? Why did the hope that had just sprouted have to be crushed so quickly? I knew that love didn't always go smoothly, but why did it have to be like this?
Inside, I kept asking myself. What should I do now? Should I just give up, accepting that Akane isn't for me? Or should I still try, even though I know she might already have someone else in her heart?
At that moment, I felt so small, so powerless. I, who had been full of hope, could now only sit quietly, trying to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes.
It felt as if the whole world had rejected me, even before I had the chance to fight for my feelings. I knew life wasn't always fair, but why did this pain feel so real?
In the midst of that confusion and pain, I could only sit there, letting the seconds pass without any answers. Maybe, I was never meant to have this kind of love… or maybe, this was a bitter lesson I had to learn, even though my heart wasn't ready to face it.
But despite everything, I knew I had to find out the truth, so I decided to ask one of Kaito's close friends.
*****
"Taichi, can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked politely, trying to keep my voice steady.
It was during lunch break, and I gathered all my courage to approach one of Kaito's closest friends. Why not ask Kaito directly? It felt too risky. I wasn't close enough to him, and the thought of confronting him made my heart race.
"Sure, Hikari. What's up? It's rare to see you talking to anyone outside your circle," he replied casually.
"Well, umm... I wanted to ask you something because you're close with Kaito. Lately, I've heard a rumor that Kaito has started dating Akane. Is that true?" I tried to sound as natural as possible, hoping he wouldn't catch on to the turmoil inside me.
"Yeah, it's true. They started dating about a week ago. Why do you ask? Oh, wait... are you—"
"No, no, it's not like that," I quickly interjected, trying to keep calm even as the pain spread through my heart. "I was just curious, that's all."
"Alright, if you say so," he replied, shrugging it off.
I returned to my seat, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. I forced myself to sit down, but my heart was heavy with pain. When I glanced at Akane, who was busy with her work, it felt like a dagger twisted deeper into my chest.
I hadn't even had the chance to confess, yet someone else had already swooped in and taken what I had hoped for. The pain of being beaten to the punch was worse than the fear of rejection.
How foolish I had been to think I had time.
*****
I started to let go, stopping my chase after her shadow. I buried these feelings deep within my hollow heart, trying to convince myself with painful words that, despite their sting, could bring me back to reality, like:
It just wasn't meant to be.
They suit each other better—both smart and good-looking.
As long as she's happy, I should be happy too.
But even as I repeated those words to myself, the pain lingered, refusing to fade. At the final school event before graduation—a barbecue where everyone grilled various foods and skewers—I saw Akane and Kaito together. They were laughing, lost in their own world, oblivious to everything else. From a distance, I watched them, the sight of their closeness driving a knife deeper into my already wounded heart. All I could do was bite down on the pain, trying not to let it show.
The day after the final exams, the last day we'd ever step foot in this school, the emptiness inside me reached its peak. My heart felt gray, devoid of the hope and joy that once filled it. I had changed. I became more sociable, made more friends, but at the same time, I became more pessimistic, cautious not to get too attached to girls who were kind to everyone, not just to me.
"Finally, I'm done with this damn school," I muttered as I walked out of the exam room.
My friends, thinking I was joking, just laughed. I laughed along with them, but deep down, the pain and regret were suffocating. The memory of her haunted me, refusing to let go, even two years after graduation.
I tried to convince myself that I had moved on, that I was stronger now. But the truth was, every time I thought about Akane, that same hollow feeling returned, a reminder of the love I never got to express, the hope I never got to fulfill.
I had become someone else—a person who learned to hide behind a mask of indifference, who no longer dared to dream too big or hope too much. I told myself it was better this way, that by lowering my expectations, I wouldn't be hurt again. But the truth was, I was just trying to protect a heart that had already been broken, trying to mend something that might never heal.
As I walked away from the school for the last time, I couldn't help but feel like I was leaving a piece of myself behind—an innocent, hopeful part of me that had once believed in the power of love. Now, all that was left was the lingering ache of what could have been and the heavy weight of a heart that was no longer whole.
And so, I moved on, but not really. Because even though I tried to forget, the shadow of that pain followed me, a constant reminder that some wounds never truly heal. They just become a part of who we are, shaping us in ways we never expected.