"Guiding?" Penn paused, fork frozen in front of his mouth. "Should we? Without my trainer?"
"Hmm, it's fine," Nathan said as he set his empty wrapper down, dusting his hands of any crumbs, and began to clean up. Penn thought for a moment and nodded, finishing the last few bites.
"Did you want to switch places? You can get comfortable while I sit up," Penn asked, placing the empty container on the coffee table.
"Naw, you're not feeling in top form, so just continue to rest there. Plus, with me being a rank S, you may feel nauseous during our first guiding session. We should keep you in the most comfortable position possible, just in case," Nathan commented, picking up his garbage and moving it to the bin by the desk.
"I appreciate the consideration," Penn smiled in thanks. Nathan turned to him and gave a puppy-like smile. Penn faltered momentarily before patting the space beside him. "Is it much different guiding a rank S?"
"Well, since we currently have a rank difference, contact guiding is mandatory. You can use spatial guidance when you're the same rank, a higher rank, or bonded," Nathan explained. Once again, Penn was thankful for Nathan's patience with him.
"Then, let's work well together," Penn replied, holding out his hand to Nathan, who glanced down at it. With a broad smile, Nathan clasped Penn's hand, pulling himself down beside his Guide.
"Now, it will be overwhelming. The rank difference between A and S may seem like only one step - but the power gauge between the two is even more than that of a rank F and a rank A. Some Hunters claim that breaking the level cap to rank up from A to S is nearly impossible."
"How was it for you?" Penn asked, leaning back as he rested their hands beside his thigh. Nathan momentarily fell silent, staring out the window with no expression. His eyes shifted to Penn's face, and he smiled awkwardly.
"It didn't. I awoke as a rank S."
"Is that possible?" Penn's eyebrows shot up in surprise.
"Hmm, technically not, but also yes," Nathan hummed, his eyes unfocusing.
"May I ask?" Penn tried probing. Nathan shook his head.
"Sorry, that's confidential," Nathan replied. Penn nodded in understanding. "Good boy. Now, let's try guiding. Close your eyes and focus on your hands. You'll notice a power source your body may initially reject since it's a foreign power trying to push its way inside you - especially at my level, it'll feel quite strong. Just think of your hands as being a colander, with some small holes here and there to slowly let the substance through and filter out anything you're not ready to accept."
Penn nodded once more, closing his eyes and focusing on how the director explained his first day and added in Nathan's suggestions. He grunted. It was like a giant wall of darkness was trying to punch its way through his hand against his will. The more he tried to focus and only accept small parts, the more the wall seemed to expand and become a void, trying to overtake him.
Penn could hear Nathan trying to give him tips and talk him through it, but the feeling was so immense and oppressive that it only took a moment before he felt swallowed up by the void. He could hear nothing, see nothing, and feel nothing. He was just floating in a dark space, being tugged in all directions at once. Whenever he tried to regain his focus, he felt like he was fighting through raw, dark emotions.
Emptiness, despair, shame, anger, frustration, obsession, possessiveness, excitement, loss, revenge, loneliness, disgust, greed, annoyance, frustration, boredom, anxiety… Penn wanted to puke. There wasn't a single decent or hopeful feeling to be found. Penn wanted to cry, which he had never done before. How could someone feel all of this?
Penn squeezed his eyes shut more, instead refocusing on himself. He needed something to counteract all these negative things - and only one thing came quickly to mind. The day he met Nathan at the riverbank as he fished with his hands.
A man so pretty and soft, with a deep rumbling voice, joking with him and welcoming him. He kept replaying that scene repeatedly until he caught his breath. Finally, he opened his eyes in the void and spotted small strings of wavering dark red lines. He reached out his hands and grabbed them, bit by bit, and started pulling them to himself.
He worked at merging those red lines into a consistent stream, and then, using himself as the medium, he pulled the power into one hand. A chill-like flame spread through him as he purified the mana inside his body, forming goosebumps and giving him pins and needles. It was a sensation that made you feel like you were living on the edge of a cliff as a high-current wind threatened to sweep you away — but also like you were enveloped by a heated blanket, inside and out.
Through his other hand, he released the purified mana back into the void. It flew out like an aurora of red and orange. It took everything for Penn not to lose focus on the beauty and have the void retake him. He focused and continued his work for what felt like hours. When he opened his eyes, he was met face-to-face with Nathan, who was leaning over him.
Confusion overtook him as he stared back and noticed the cold brown eyes seemed warm now. Specs of gold shimmered here and there, a breathtaking sight. Then Penn got a hold of himself, looking at the desk clock. An hour had passed. As Penn took a deep breath, the nausea returned, and he felt sick. He pushed Nathan back, walking swiftly to the can to throw up. His legs gave out as soon as he did, and Nathan rushed to his side to support him.
"Whoa there, neighbor," Nathan rushed, catching Penn before his knees hit the floor. "Move slowly. I warned you that the rank difference would be overwhelming."
Penn slowly looked up and awkwardly accepted Nathan's help back to the couch. Nathan grabbed some tissues from the desk and patted around Penn's mouth before handing him a bottle of water, concern etched on his face. Penn looked away, unable to meet his eyes.
"Thank you," he finally replied meekly. Nathan frowned. Penn didn't know how to look at Nathan after experiencing all those negative emotions, and he felt ashamed of himself for it.
"I should be thanking you. No one's ever guided me by themselves in one session to completion before," Nathan responded with a small smile, trying to reassure Penn. "But with this intense reaction, we should go slow from now on. Don't guide me completely until you're used to it. And we'll limit it to once or twice a week and work our way up from there," Nathan decided, taking Penn's condition into account.
"Let's do that, thank you," Penn agreed. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry that my mana comes off so strong," Nathan shook his head and moved to sit in the theater chair across from Penn.
"Why are you suddenly sitting so far away?" Penn joked, trying to make the atmosphere less awkward. Nathan offered his own awkward smile.
"After such a guiding session, the Guide can experience repulsion and rejection toward the esper. I'm just taking things into account so my Guide doesn't run away from me or become traumatized," Nathan said with an apologetic smile. Penn was shocked, but somehow, he understood. His uneasy feeling after guiding Nathan made it hard for him to look at the Hunter.
"I understand, but at the same time, it feels rude of me to avoid you like that — especially if you need me for priority guiding," Penn leaned forward toward Nathan. Nathan shook his head, offering an easygoing smile.
"It's why there are rules and guiding offices with same-hour appointments. There are many Guides to offload the work and the mental and physical toll it can take on a Guide. Remember, we're not bonded. There is no need to exclusively guide me. And besides, I don't have to do any more dungeons this week - unless an emergency comes up. So I won't need another session until you recover anyway."
Penn couldn't describe what he was feeling. Nathan continued to put him first over and over again, always patient and understanding. A part of him felt a bit choked up, but mainly, he was overwhelmingly thankful for meeting this man.
"Well, in that case, I at least owe you dinner sometime soon," Penn sighed, feeling defeated that he couldn't repay Nathan's kindness as soon as he wished. Nathan closed his eyes and smiled softly, like a retriever relaxing in the sunlight.
"I'll be glad to accept," he replied, thankful. He glanced outside before looking back at Penn. "Let me walk you home. We don't want your legs giving out on the way. You seem to be the type who pushes yourself beyond your limit."
"Haha," Penn laughed, hand coming up to his mouth to cover his toothy smile. "I won't lie to you."
"Good," Nathan agreed, standing up and reaching to gently pull Penn by his elbow. "Let me help you this way so there is no direct contact, and I can still support you."
Penn thanked him, and they slowly made their way out of his office and down to the direct sub-tram line to the dorm complex. Nathan insisted on taking Penn straight to his apartment, and Penn found it hard to argue. As Penn unlocked his apartment door, Nathan held it open for him and walked him to his bed.
"I'll get you some water before you go," Nathan said, turning toward the kitchenette. He froze when he opened the fridge — it was bare and empty. He sighed in disappointment, turning his gaze to glare at Penn, who quickly turned to face the balcony in shame. Nathan clicked his tongue and ran a cup under the tap, bringing it to Penn.
"Drink it slowly, order some food for dinner, then get some sleep," Nathan ordered. All Penn could do was nod in agreement. "Good night, neighbor."
"Goodnight, Nathan. Thank you again for today," Penn replied. Nathan gave a wave over his shoulder and closed the door. Penn lay back on his empty bed and felt another wave of shame.
Penn stood up, opened the bag of new sheets, and finally made his bed in its entirety—two pillows and all. Once he finished, he sat back and opened his phone to scavenge the options for food delivery to the dorms, passively thinking about how Nathan had yet to utter his name even once.