Do you really want me to use a mental illness as an excuse for my behavior?
Do you really want to be with me so much that you're ready to give me an excuse?
"Ama..." Where am I? The sky? It's beautiful... Am I drowning? The icy water engulfs me, sending shivers down my spine, but the breathtaking view of the sky from beneath the ocean's surface fills me with an awe that suppresses the cold. I want to stay like this forever, floating in this watery embrace.
Inside the ocean's vast expanse, silence reigns supreme, surrounded by nothing but water, an endless expanse that stretches out before me like an ethereal dream. I close my eyes, surrendering to the cold water's embrace, a gentle caress, calming the stormy thoughts that once raced through my mind. I float effortlessly, weightless and free, lost in the boundless depths of the ocean's embrace
"Ama, don't laugh!"
"Pfft-hahaha…"
"Ama!"
"Sorry Sorry. So what does my sweetheart want to know?"
"Ama, how did you fall in love with me? What did you see in me that captured your heart?" I asked, sitting in a garden with her behind me, I leaned on her body and stared at the sky.
She thought for a while, her hand intertwined with mine, she pulled me closer in her arm. "I don't know either." She whispered, genuinely confused. I stared at her face, meeting her eyes, I slightly pouted disappointed by her answer, "What kind of answer is that? You don't even know why you love me. I'm angry now." I folded my hands and sat straight.
She chuckled, pulling me behind, she hugged my neck. "Why don't you make a habit of listening to me patiently?" She asked, burying her face in my neck. "I'm listening." I said, with a pout, still pretending to be angry with her.
She smiled and her beautiful melody echoed in my ear, "After our one month suspension, do you remember meeting me in the detention room?" She asked. I nodded my head. A soft smile played on our lips, remembering those days of highschool.
"At that time, when you endlessly talked about what happened at school, how boring it was, who ended up with whom, for the first time, I thought, 'If it's her voice, then I'm ready to listen to it for a lifetime.'" I raised my eyebrows, a pleasant surprise expression on my face. I turned around and stared at her.
She got shy seeing my expression so she covered my eyes, but I removed her hand and stared at her with surprise again.
"Stop it or else I will start kissing you right here in the public place." She licked her lips, and smirked, rubbing her thumb finger on my lip.
"Sorry, sorry, please continue." Feeling hot , I hurriedly turned around and put her hands around my waist then rested the back of my head on her shoulders. My cheeks and ears were flushed.
"Then when I tickle you and you try so hard to prove you feel nothing, I find your expression so amusing. I was like, if I get to see this girl, I don't mind coming to this boring school every day." I was amused by her. Her eyes twinkled each second while talking about me. It was the first time... someone ever talked about me so dearly. It warmed my heart.
"Then every day I looked forward to meeting you. Each time you talked, laughed, or glared at me, I always had one thought: if it's her, then I don't mind living another day." She snuggled closer, the warm sun touching our bodies like a blessing from the Lord.
"But you said you can't stay at Feather City for me." I complained.
She tightened her grip around my waist, her eyes wistful. "I had a fight with Momma on the phone that afternoon. Then I saw a boy proposing to you. You didn't even reject him!"
I widened my eyes and tried to turn around to look at her, but she held me so tightly I couldn't turn at all. "You decided to leave me because of that!? That boy proposed to me and ran away! He didn't even let me say a word!" I said, trying to free myself.
"You should have grabbed him and slammed him to the floor. Then he would have listened." She was smiling while burying her face on my neck.
"Not everyone is as strong as you, Ama." I said, leaning on her again.
"Am I strong?" She asked, her voice soft and sweet.
"Don't you think so?" I asked back.
She shook her head. "Like an ice cube melting on sun rays, every time I see you staring at me, I feel like I'm melting away too. So I always thought I'm weak when it comes to you."
"Liar, you aren't melting away right now." I gently nudged her with an endearing smile on my face.
She laughed, her hands slipping inside my t-shirt. My eyes widened, my face hot and red, my heart pounding loudly.
She whispered, "Do you want to see how much I'm melting right now, hmm~?"
"No, Ama! Hahaha!"
In the depths of the night, I lie awake, my heart heavy with sorrow. Tears stream silently down my cheeks, each one a testament to the pain that consumes me. The weight of exhaustion presses down on my body, but it cannot calm the torment that rages within. I am lost in a sea of despair, unable to find solace or escape.
My thoughts race, each one a cruel reminder of what I have endure. The pain is unbearable. It gnaws at my soul, threatening to consume me entirely. I feel utterly broken, as if a part of me has been ripped away, leaving behind an empty void. Sleep slips away from me, replaced by nightmares that torment me with visions of what had happened.
I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The weight of my heartache threatens to crush me. I don't need this second chance, I don't want any chance. I'm tired of second chances.
I didn't want to change high school memories, but it seems like I don't have a choice but to change it.
Soon we'll graduate, and like before, you would leave me again. I touched the empty side of my bed, my lips trembling, tears rolling down my cheeks, I smiled.
"Liar," I whispered, my voice barely a breath. "Stone could never melt, Ama."
I leaned on the wall, my body heavy with exhaustion. I stared at the ceiling, my mind racing. Memories of happier times haunt me, now bittersweet echoes of a love that is gone. I long for the warmth of her embrace, the sound of her laughter, but it is all a distant dream, forever out of reach.
The pain was unbearable. It gnawed at my soul, threatening to consume me entirely. I felt utterly broken, as if a part of me had been ripped away, leaving behind an empty void.
I treated you that way because I wanted you out of my life.
I raised my hands in the air and stared at them. "What should I do now?" I whispered. You know more than I do what'll happen in the future. You might not choose to study at L.R. University this time.
Are we really destined... to stay apart? "It would have been better if I was never born... Mom, it hurts."
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I bit my lips to keep from crying out. Why was I transported back? What sin did I commit in my last life to deserve this punishment?
"Everyone lies. Everyone is a liar. Mom, you're a liar too." I whispered. "Your daughter was never lucky when it came to love…" My voice was hoarse, barely a whisper. Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, but it was a dull, heavy ache, like a stone weighing me down.
I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to disappear, to cease to exist.
I always longed for the day when we could be together again, but now I knew that it might never happen. The future was uncertain, and I'm tired of hoping for the best. I'm totally exhausted now.
I sobbed, hugging my pillow tightly. My body shook with each sob, and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I longed for the day when I could finally be free, but I knew that day would never come.
I could feel my eyes slowly dying out, my heart slowly turning numb. I loosened my fist, letting go of all the pain, anger and frustration I had been holding onto. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. If this is what fate wanted, then I wouldn't hold on anymore.
Do you really want to be with me so much that you're ready to give me an excuse?
"Fine...I'll let you go. If that's what makes you happy."