Messenger**
It was past five in the morning, and I couldn't sleep at all...
I had my favorite purple pen in my hand and was staring blankly at my St. John's Wort-patterned diary. As my eyes stared blankly, I listened to the rapid beating of my heart and felt cold sweat pouring down my back.
"I think I'm having a panic attack, but I don't understand why. It must be that, right? It can't be anything else. But where in the corridors of my subconscious am I having this panic attack to avoid feeling the pain?" Kübra said to herself.
To stop the panic attack, she put her head on her turquoise pillow, curled up in a fetal position, and stared until her heartbeat slowed down. Kübra had been having these kinds of panic attacks frequently, and their frequency had increased significantly in the past two weeks. Even she was having a hard time making sense of this situation. Although Kübra suffered from chronic panic attacks, she hadn't experienced them as frequently as in this two-week period. After Kübra calmed down slowly, she got up from her bed and started preparing breakfast after drinking a glass of warm water.
"I didn't have a panic attack today," she joked to herself. She looked at the phone on the kitchen table with her right hand; the clock showed 9:33.
Then, classical music, which she loved, began playing.
She opened Fredric Chopin's Nocturne No. 1 on her phone and started listening to it. While listening, she made her omelet, put it on a plate, brewed her tea, and set her cheese and olives on the table. She started eating. After finishing her breakfast, she cleaned everything up and put it in the dishwasher, took her third glass of tea, and left the kitchen. There was a long corridor between the kitchen and the balcony. She walked through it and opened the balcony door. The smell of linden was in the air. After inhaling it for a while, Kübra thought it would be a good idea to go out, as she always did. She decided to visit the antique bookstore she had been meaning to go to, and she was going to meet her friend Arya later, nodding in approval.
She then cleaned her house and decided to wear her long red chiffon dress, but then thought it would be too bold, so she took it off. Then she put on her sax blue thin sweater and black jeans. But this time, she felt very sloppy and threw the outfit into a corner. After going to bed, she put on her dried rose maxi dress and smiled with relief as if to say "yes" in the end. She liked it because the dress was a knitted maxi dress, not too thick nor too thin; it fit comfortably and covered her wrists. She felt good, put her hair in a messy bun, then started applying light makeup—BB cream, powder, a thin black eyeliner, and a slightly pink lipstick. She kissed herself in the mirror and went outside. It was a long way out. Kübra grabbed her seasonal black coat and her red daily bag, which was one of only three she owned. After checking the sockets at home, she took her first step outside. It was already 2 p.m. Kübra got on the subway, took a taxi, and walked toward Beşiktaş. She passed by Dolmabahçe Palace and looked at it. Kübra probably liked the palace. Then she got lost trying to find the bookstore using her phone's navigation. Wondering if the navigation had taken her to the wrong place, she finally found it after a long walk. The bookstore's name was quite long: *The Travelers of the Dream World Bookstore*. This bookstore had three floors and was as beautiful as they said; it was a mystery-catcher, like a book café. As soon as you entered, the stars and planets on the walls caught your attention. Astrological stained glass plates hung on colorful walls. Inside, there were walnut-colored bookshelves with intricate carvings, as if from a British period film, and all the books were bound in magnificent covers. Kübra couldn't take her eyes off them. Besides being a bookworm, she also loved places with such a meticulous concept and was very happy.
There was an old-style elevator that went up to the second floor. Kübra discovered the elevator half an hour after getting lost on the first floor and went up. On the second floor, the smell of coffee that she had caught a hint of on the first floor was now strong and clear. This place was also amazing, with more walnut-colored carved bookshelves. There were red, burgundy, and green old-style armchairs and tables next to them. While Kübra was looking around, there were cakes, macaroons, various chocolate cookies, sandwiches, and a lot of food in fancy cabinets. Kübra was a bit hungry since she had only had bread in the morning. The classic sandwich with tomato, cheese, and lettuce caught her eye. She chose it and ordered tea. Then she said, "I'll have a dessert too," and began placing her order. The dessert she chose was raspberry pudding, which she ordered along with the tea. She mentioned that the order would be delivered and that they could sit wherever they wanted, laughing. Kübra agreed and left. She picked a book from the farthest corner of the library. The book was called *The Magic of Flowers*. The author's name was not listed anywhere. The cover featured a bunch of hand-drawn blue and pink verbena flowers, and below them, in Latin, was written: *Myosotis scorpioides*.
It caught her attention, and she wanted to touch the book as if caressing it. For some reason, the waiter brought her order. He was dressed like a butler from the movies, even wearing black and white half gloves. He placed the items slowly on the silver, embroidered table. The teacup was porcelain with a red lotus pattern. On the plate was a red lotus in the middle, with gold embroidery on the edges—it was fancy and fractal. Kübra had seen vintage plates and glasses with many roses before, but this pattern was new to her. She started eating, finished her tea, ordered another glass, and drank it slowly. Remembering the book on her lap, she picked it up, ready to start reading, when her phone rang. It was her friend Arya calling. When she answered, a muffled male voice told her that Arya had been in an accident but was in good condition. Since she was the only emergency contact, they gave her the hospital's address. Kübra hurriedly got up and ran toward the hospital, filled with worry., she arrived quickly at the hospital and asked the information desk for Arya's name and room number. Her friend Arya was awake, with her left arm and leg in casts. Kübra cried upon seeing Arya, and Arya cried too. After they calmed down and chatted for a while, Arya's mother arrived. Kübra headed home, feeling overwhelmed. She hailed a taxi, bought something to eat since there was nothing left to cook at home, and returned to her house. She threw her bag aside, removed her clothes, and discarded them carelessly. After eating her meal, she felt very content and quickly fell into bed, falling asleep in no time.