Three years later.
Emiya Shirou POV.
Hah... how long has it been since that day? Three years, it seems...
If I recall, when Sif told everything to my father, I was already bracing for the worst. And rightly so. To say that Kiritsugu was angry would be an understatement. Honestly, I still think that if it hadn't been for my success and unscathed condition, nothing would have stopped my father from putting a bullet through Ferro's eyes.
But no matter how angry he was, in the end, he had to acknowledge the obvious. I proved that I was capable of fulfilling assignments of such magnitude, which meant that Sif's and Kiritsugu's efforts were not in vain. Now I could "spread my wings"...
However... recalling this, I always see in my mind my father's very first reaction to Sif's words. It was not rage towards Ferro, although Kiritsugu was clearly trying to portray that.
Deep down, he was proud of my success, but at the same time, I sensed something else...
... sorrow and a kind of nostalgic sadness.
No matter how much I thought about it, I never fully understood it. Though... I wouldn't say I had much time to indulge in self-reflection. Because from that day began my real "career"...
***
On one of my assignments, each of which could easily be labeled as "mission impossible," my companion Catalan noticed that I had changed significantly after my first job. He pointed it out, of course, in his usual manner, more reminiscent of mockery than concern or anything similar, but that did not negate his truth.
After what I had seen in Croatia... something truly changed within me.
On one hand, before this task, I had been pondering the question: "Would I be able to kill someone?" But after that horror, all doubts faded away. In their place remained only cold determination and the desire to prevent such things from happening in the future.
But the more often I took on another assignment, the more I understood a simple yet bitter truth... Tragedies like those that occurred in Fuyuki and Croatia were far from rare. Such disasters, smaller or even larger than those, happened all over the world every day.
The Mage Association and the Holy Church... two organizations whose goal was to maintain order and conceal the existence of magic from ordinary people.
The Church's motives were as simple as day. The fanatics serving it believed that anyone who strayed from the Word of God must be destroyed. It was nothing like the image of wise and kind old men who would listen to you and give sound advice... On the contrary, their goal was the ruthless extermination of everything they deemed objectionable, and virtually anything could fall under that category. It all depended on how it was presented. Their sworn enemies were vampires, whom they, for obvious reasons, harbored a fierce hatred for. Sometimes, the clergy would burn a small village on mere suspicion that an Apostle might have been feeding there...
With the Association, things were much more complicated... Although the Church consisted of various departments, their goals were mostly similar. The Association resembled a patchwork quilt composed of individuals who could act as aggressively as the Church or more subtly and intricately. The only concern of the Association's members was any magical knowledge. They never cared what price would be paid to acquire or uncover that knowledge. Their ultimate goal was to possess it solely for themselves to use it only for their own ends...
I and your masters are only different in that they do not want to share!
What a cruel irony fate has... a man whose very existence I found repugnant told me a pure truth.
Amidst the rivalry between these two titans, we existed - free hunters. Hounds hunting demons. Those who violated the fundamental tenets of the world of magic and received an Designation Seal yet chose to flee from the Association.
And I, never forgetting those words, plunged headlong into this harsh world, but now without fear, doubts, or regrets.
Alas, I understood perfectly well that the death of one mage could not make the world better... It was impossible to undo all the evil he had sown through his actions. Those lives he brought to the altar of his own ambitions could never be returned...
If I want all of this to mean something, then all mages like Anton Ristič must be destroyed...
If someone with power commits evil for their selfish desires, they have no right to live.
If their death makes this world even a fraction better, if it saves even a few lives... I think that would be a fair price for the blood spilt...
At least... that's what I wanted to believe...
***
A pleasant cool night had arrived. Just perfect for a good night's sleep, but that didn't help me... despite the fatigue from training, I couldn't fall asleep. It wasn't nightmares, nor heavy thoughts or anything like that... rather, some strange premonition kept me from sinking into the realm of Morpheus.
To distract myself, I walked out to the veranda and sat down, dangling my legs off the edge and listening to the distant sound of the waves.
— Can't sleep? – a familiar voice reached me.
Turning my head, I saw Kiritsugu standing nearby.
To be honest, he looked awful. I don't know how he was in his better years, but now, after these five years, he seemed to have aged thirty... His skin had become pale, dark circles had formed under his eyes, and his gaze was dull. I didn't want to acknowledge it, but it was clear that he didn't have long left...
— No... no matter how hard I try, I can't, – I sighed in response. – And you, from the looks of it, can't either...
— That's true... – he agreed tiredly as he sat down beside me. – Although, perhaps it's even fateful.
— In what sense?
— Shirou... – his tone became more serious and firm, – I've needed to talk with you about something for a long time. I've postponed it for too long, and now time is of the essence. Sif isn't here, so we won't get a better moment.
His words left me somewhat puzzled. What was so important that he wanted to discuss? Why shouldn't Sif know about it? And if it was that crucial, then why had he been putting off this conversation?
— You remember what I told you about my father and the island of Alimango? – he began indirectly.
— Yes...?
— You know... back then... I had a dream. I wanted to be someone like... a Hero of Justice.
One amazing revelation after another... Kiritsugu wanted to be a hero? It was clear that this was a long time ago, but... that childhood dream didn't match the man sitting next to me.
— I see you're surprised? – he remarked with a smile. – I understand... It's funny to remember even for me now. Ironic, isn't it? A man who dreamed of being a hero ended up becoming someone many would call a villain. I admit, I used to try to live without regrets about my actions, but now I no longer had the strength to suppress those thoughts. I'd lost count of how many times I wished I could relive my life and do everything differently. All I did was kill dozens to save hundreds. Hundreds for thousands, and so on, until that hellish cycle closed. It didn't matter how many I killed or sacrificed... The world didn't change an iota... And when I had almost lost hope... I learned about the Holy Grail.
— The Holy Grail? – I asked. – What is that?
— A special artifact created by a group of mages two hundred and fifty years ago. It was part of a grand ritual and was said to grant any wish.
— Such tales are born in the world of magic every day; you should know that... – I interrupted him.
During the years I spent as a mercenary, I'd heard all kinds of things. Many mages did monstrous things for their research that would "change the world." So many people died in search of artifacts that could bestow powers beyond human limits, and it's frightening to think about, so it's no wonder that after all those absurdities, Kiritsugu's words only evoked irony in me.
— Yeah... – my question brought a weak smile to his face. – I said the same when I first heard about it... But then I thought: "What if?.." Perhaps it was just desperation stirring within me. I came to the conclusion that only a miracle could change this wretched world. That's why I got involved... The Einzbern family, one of the founders of that ritual, hired me. They were alchemists and never achieved significant results. So they decided that someone with my reputation and skills would be perfect for this ritual... Well... ironically, they turned out to be right.
— And? What happened next? – His story began to captivate my attention; wouldn't he be telling me some fairytale without reason?
— Honestly, I don't really want to go into detail about everything that happened there... I'll just say that in the battle for the Grail, I reached the finale, and it was already in my hands...
— But the myth turned out to be just a myth, since you didn't save the world?
— Not quite. The Grail was real, as was its power. But... how do I put this... it was not what it seemed.
— I'm afraid I don't understand...
— It could indeed grant wishes, but in its twisted manner... Let's say I wished to be the richest person in the world. It would grant my wish... But I suppose you already guessed how... – he said, noticing the expression on my face.
— It would simply kill everyone in the world... Eliminating your competition... – I replied darkly.
Honestly, it still sounded like the ramblings of a madman, but... for some reason, I believed it. Memories of a long-forgotten image of a black hole in the sky began to resurface...
— But... that's nonsense, — I muttered, trying to banish that image. — What's the point of creating something like that?
— Honestly, I don't think it was like that originally... – he shrugged. – When I was there... it felt like it was somehow tainted... By something vile... dark... terrifying... – he spoke with fear in his voice.
— And then?
— Realizing the price of my wish was too high, I tried to destroy the Grail. I don't know if I succeeded or not... but then... then... – a rasp escaped his throat and he fell silent, unable to finish.
But... I understood all he couldn't say. Piecing together the facts wasn't that hard... And the haunted, frightened look that Kiritsugu was diligently avoiding only confirmed that thought.
For a moment, a heavy silence hung between us. No one could utter a word. What he told me... became more than just a revelation... it was his confession. I didn't know how to react to it...
— Shirou... I... – he began uncertainly.
— It's okay... – I replied distantly.
— What? – shock reflected on his face, which wasn't surprising.
— What were you expecting? That I would cry? Say I hate you and want you dead? – I responded with a bitter smile. – Maybe I should have reacted that way to make it easier for both of us, but... I just can't... my loved ones perished in that fire, but... Damn, I don't even remember their names! How am I supposed to know if they meant anything to me, and should I mourn their death? You can't grieve for what was never in your life... and... is there even any point in it? Especially after so many years?..
Kiritsugu fell silent. That reaction was the last thing he expected. Apparently, I had correctly noted that he would find relief from a different response.
— And besides... – I continued. – If that thing truly could destroy the world... then, if it fell into the wrong hands, the Grail would simply erase everything, including me. So... I know it sounds crazy, but it's for the best that you got it.
I even wanted to bitterly laugh at those words, their absurdity transcending reason. It was like saying "thank you" to your killer because you fear that death will come for you on its own. Ha... even that sounds more sane.
Kiritsugu got up and stepped back a few paces, stopped, and, standing with his back to me, quietly added:
— There's one more thing...
— What is it?
He hesitated before answering. It was clear that this was the most important and painful part of the conversation for him.
— When... When I was accepted into the Einzbern family, I met a woman there. Her name was Irisviel... – I couldn't see his face, but I was ready to bet he spoke that name with a smile. – She was supposed to become just another tool in my quest for my dream... but she became something more for me...
— You... did you love her? – I couldn't even finish the question from the shock.
— Loved her? You wouldn't think I was capable of that, would you? – a chuckle filled with self-irony slipped from his lips. – Well... Your surprise is understandable. If on the day we met someone had told me that we would be together, I would have spun my finger at my temple... And who could possibly love her? Just another doll, one of thousands created by the Einzberns... No emotions, no free will, no desire to live. I realized that a woman like that would be of no use to me and told the head of the family so. He just shrugged and threw her away... Just like that, easy as trash...
— But you intervened...
— Yes... Honestly, even now I don't know what made me do that back then. But... it was one of the few decisions in my life that I never regretted.
— And... how did that even happen? You were a killer, and she was just a "doll"... How could anything happen between you? – without realizing it, I began to grow more and more interested in this story.
Why? Back then, I still didn't know the answer to that question...
— Well... Perhaps this is what became one of the reasons. I decided to make her more humane... Ha... as if I knew what that meant... — Kirytsugu scoffed. — But... unnoticed, while I was trying to teach her, I was gradually learning alongside her. Because of that, I began to see the world beyond my work... I learned that there is something more in it than death and despair. I think... That's what brought us closer...
His words bewildered me... to see him like this, to look at him from a similar, human perspective... I don't even know how to describe it... To me, he had always been more of a strict mentor than a true father. I was used to seeing him as a teacher and a professional, not like... like this.
— And two years after that... we had a daughter... — he said quietly, but loud enough for me to hear.
— What? — I asked again, not believing what I had just heard.
— Yes... — with those words, he finally turned to me and finished. — My daughter and... your little sister - Illyasviel.
— My... little... sister? — I slowly repeated each word, as if trying to process them.
— Yes... Right now she's in Germany, in the castle of Einzbern... and she's probably blaming me for everything that happened...
— Why?.. — I asked dully. — Why were you with me all this time when you had a daughter who needed you? Was it because of the fire, right? You felt guilty?
— Yes... — he practically forced the words out. — But it's not just that... The castle of Einzbern is surrounded by a network of Barriers and protected by an army of homunculi. Maybe I could have gotten there before, but... you can see what's happening to me... — he finished with a heavy sigh.
— Why didn't you ask Sif for help?
— Because I don't trust him, Shirou, — he replied somewhat more sharply than I expected. — Besides... saving her wouldn't bring me peace, since if anything happened, I wouldn't be able to protect you...
Perhaps for the first time in our conversation, I heard something that didn't surprise me. Maybe he thought it was wrong too, but there was reason in those words. Surely, the Einzbern would have tried to take her back, and Kiritsugu couldn't protect us forever, not in his condition. And I wouldn't have been able to help him either...
— So... it was all for this, wasn't it? — the pieces of the puzzle finally started to come together.
All my training, missions, all those deaths... It was all so that I could achieve what Kiritsugu simply didn't have the strength to do.
— Shirou... I... I hardly understand what you're feeling right now... Yes, I was driven only by my own selfishness... You can accuse me of saving you only out of self-interest... And I have nothing to say against that... Forgive me... if you ever can...
— Right now... — I said after a long silence. — I'm sitting here and talking to you, only because of you. I... I'm fine with everything. Yes, I wasn't thrilled with the lifestyle I had to lead, but I don't regret a single day I spent with you...
With those words, I stood up and approached him.
— Maybe it's all wrong... But I don't care. I promise. I will save your... No, I will save my sister. I will do what you can't do right now. No matter what path it takes... If in the end, some of my loved ones are happy, then it will all be worth it. I believe in that, i want to believe.
Kiritsugu was silent for a moment, silently examining my resolute face, and then he smiled softly and said only one word:
— Thank you...