On that clear day, the sunlight hit my face in a funny way. I didn't feel any warmth; everything around me felt strange, quieter than usual, even though it was just another afternoon in Bangkok. Where was I going? I couldn't remember. I just knew I had to keep moving down that street; it was the exact path I needed to follow.
A slow, calm song played in the background of my pointless walk. Wait a second… my life had a soundtrack now? Something was definitely off. But I kept walking—after all, that's what I was supposed to do, for some reason. And then he showed up: big, with sharp teeth and piercing eyes. He was clearly going to attack, tear my body apart, and feed the rest to his pups. I couldn't die like that. So I ran.
My legs moved so fast that I barely felt the ground under my feet. I didn't need to look back to know that the giant dog was chasing me, hungry for blood. His hot breath burned the back of my neck, and his fierce barks sounded like thunder right next to my ear. I couldn't—no, I wouldn't—die like that! In a split second, I made up my mind: better to drown than to feel a dog's teeth ripping through my skin again.
And just like that, I jumped into the canal. Yeah, I jumped into the city's canal without even stopping to consider any other option. I was definitely going to drown because, of course, I didn't know how to swim. The moment my body hit the icy, filthy water, my arms and legs started flailing around instinctively, trying to grab onto the water that offered no support.
A minute passed, and the water had already filled my throat and mouth, burning my nostrils like flames. I was sinking, and I'd chosen this. That's when I gave up, stopped fighting, and just accepted that this was how I'd die, even if it was a stupid way to go. So that was my life? Those were all my accomplishments? What was the last thing I ate before dying? Who was the last person I saw? Who got my last smile? I couldn't remember any of it.
I was already dead.
"Don't die!"
That voice echoed in my ears, and only then did I realize that my body wasn't underwater anymore but was being dragged to the edge of the canal. I couldn't see a thing; my eyes refused to open, and my chest burned with each painful breath. Hadn't I died?
"I'm not gonna let you die."
After hearing that, I woke up. And there I was, lying in bed, breathing heavily and clutching my pillow. My clothes were soaked with sweat, my hair sticking to my face. I glanced out the window; the night still lit up the outside. Then I looked over at the clock next to my bed.
"Three-thirty, still?" I muttered in frustration, dropping my head back onto the pillow in total disappointment. "This is the third time in a row."
It was the third night in a row that I woke up in the middle of the night with the same dream, that damn dream. Ever since the accident in the canal, it kept coming back to me, making me relive that near-death feeling. It had been a while since it happened, but it usually returned when I was more stressed than usual.
And, even though I didn't want to admit it, I was completely stressed out. After all, it had been three days since I'd fought with Dan, and I hadn't heard from him since. So, I settled back in bed and grabbed my phone, opening up the chat with my junior.
[Wave Nawat]
Serious Boy, are you gonna ignore me forever?
We need to talk, I'm really sorry! But I don't think you'll accept my apologies over text, so… can we meet up?
Dan, please.
I watched a silent movie today… guess who it reminded me of?
I'm an idiot, please forgive me!
These were just a few of the two hundred messages I had sent him, all without a single reply or reaction. I knew the nightmares came from the guilt I felt for being a complete jerk to my junior. I'm not the stubborn type who insists on proving to the world that I'm right, even when I'm wrong.I've never been that way. And minutes after those words left my mouth that day, I realized how deeply I had hurt him and how much I had missed the mark.
I understood I had made a mistake; My own body was punishing me every day, not letting me sleep. But still, I couldn't get Dan's forgiveness. Would that ever happen? The thought of it not being possible made my heart ache. Was having someone mad at me really messing with my mind and body this much? Or was there something else going on that I just couldn't figure out?
"Are you going to class today?" I sighed, still staring at my phone, my eyelids heavy, but my body resisting another nightmare.
And that's how I spent another sleepless night, sitting on my balcony, staring at my plants, which seemed more lifeless than ever. Could they sense my mood and react to it? I'd never know, and my mind was too tired to wonder.
That morning, already at school, my eyes scanned every corner of the building, searching for any sign of a tall, handsome guy with a movie star look and amazing tattoos all over his body. I was really distracted when a voice brought me back to reality:
"Wave!" It was Tee, who grabbed my arm tightly, stopping me from walking straight into a wall. "What's up with you today?"
"Thanks," I said, trying to pull myself together, and exhaled, feeling deflated. "Nothing's wrong, everything's fine."
"You seriously think you're fooling me? Really?" Tee's expression was skeptical.
"I'm not trying to fool you." I lied again, but the truth was, I didn't want to explain what was going on.
"This about that junior guy, the one with the tattoos?" He raised an eyebrow, his look almost challenging. "You think I don't know about him?"
"What are you… what are you talking about?" I tried to play it cool, but I was bad at it.
"Seriously, Wave?" Tee said, and I just sighed, defeated. He continued, "You've been seen together a few times, having dinner, riding bikes, and someone even told me they saw you with him at the movies. None of us asked anything because we wanted you to tell us yourself. So… what's going on? Are you guys really dating?"
"Dating? What? What are you… No! We're not dating!" I was shocked. How could people think I was dating Dan? Where did they get that idea?
"You sure?"
"Am I sure I'm not dating someone? Of course, I'm sure!" I replied emphatically. "How could people even think—"
"You're not dating yet, but what's the deal then? You getting to know each other? Do you have feelings for him?"
"Feelings?" At that moment, my heart felt hollow from the fight, so yeah, I had feelings for him. But not the kind Tee was thinking of. "No, it's not like that! He's just my junior!"
"If you say so…" Tee didn't seem convinced.
"Dan's a new member of the theater group, that's it! And you know I'm an assistant director now, so it's my job to make sure new members feel included and show them the basics. That's all! That's why we've hung out a few times… a bunch of times." I clarified, at least I thought I had.
"Um... that makes sense," Tee said, seeming convinced for the first time. "So, it's not because of him that you're like this?"
"Not exactly..." I couldn't lie again.
"I knew it!"
"But it's not in the way you're thinking, okay? I'm really like this because of him. But only because we had a fight."
"What happened? Did you confess your feelings and he doesn't feel the same way?" Tee asked, and I shot him a nearly aggressive look. "Okay, okay, I'll stop, I promise! But what happened?"
"What happened...?" I muttered, sitting on one of the benches outside the university. Tee joined me and sat down beside me. "I was an idiot; that's what happened."
"I seriously doubt that. You're the least idiotic guy in our group."
"Yeah, I know. But I was!"
From there, I told Tee everything that had happened since the beginning of my story with Dan. I started from the day I ran into him and discovered he was Marco's nephew and that I had to get him to fall in love with theater, and went up to the most recent day when we fought because of my mistaken view of how things should go. Tee listened attentively, nodding along at some points. At the end, he said:
"I get it now. Never thought I'd say this, but... yeah, you were a total idiot!" He laughed at my misfortune. "Sorry, but if I were him, I wouldn't respond to any of your messages either."
"You're not helping!"
"I never said I would." Hearing this, I made a move to get up and leave, but he held me back, and I returned to my seat while he continued to laugh. "Sorry, sorry! But look, you really were an idiot. You disrespected him and messed with his family and his commitments to the theater, something you don't even fully understand. It was serious, man. Do you really think an apology text will fix everything?"
"I sent two hundred."
"That's not the point!"
"So what's the point? What should I do? He doesn't respond when I say I want to talk in person either." The chance of forgiveness seemed to be slipping away.
"You tried to manipulate the situation so he would do what you wanted. Now, to apologize, you need to put in some effort. If he doesn't respond to your messages, go to him, look him in the eye, and show how sorry you are. If it doesn't work, at least you did your part. You can't control when someone will forgive you."
Put in some effort. Put in some effort. Put in some effort.
I needed to make an effort to get him to notice me. If he didn't want to talk, maybe I had to make my presence felt in another way. But how? Should I follow his trail all around campus until I found him? That's exactly what I tried to do: I spent the entire morning searching for him in every corner of the campus, as if I were hunting for hidden treasure.
It all started when I found him, that same day, in the library. I had entered there casually, after searching for him in other parts of the campus for a long time. Seeing him there, sitting alone at a table with his head down and reading a book, made my heart race so fast it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. I froze, completely.
All these physical sensations Dan caused in me were new. I hope none of you judge my lack of clarity at that moment. To everyone else, it might seem obvious what was going on, but what about for me? It wasn't clear yet. To be honest, in my head, I thought I was trembling and my heart was racing simply because it was the first time someone had been so upset and hurt by me. And now, that person who made me feel all of this was right there in front of me.
I was already used to taking in every part of his body with my eyes and often admired how good he looked in our university uniform. The contrast between the formal tie and his ripped jeans, and the white shirt with the dark tattoos, made him look like a magnificent painting. He was perfect. I had no problem admitting another guy was attractive; that wasn't an issue for me. The beauty of others is there to be seen, noticed, and admired, whether they're men or women.
After freezing for a few seconds, an involuntary smile spread across my lips. You know those moments when you want to hold back a smile, but all the muscles in your face are forcing you to do the opposite? The happiness is so overwhelming that your face has to express it? I was like that just seeing him. And so, after composing myself a bit, I approached and, without being noticed, pulled up a chair next to him.
"Serious Boy," I whispered, sitting next to him. He didn't respond; I noticed the earplugs in his ears. So, without asking, I pulled one out and whispered close to his face, "Serious Boy."
I couldn't have anticipated the reaction that followed. As soon as I said his nickname, he jumped up startled, causing his chair to fall backward and crash to the library floor with a loud thud that drew everyone's attention. I apologized with a gesture to the other people while Dan stood beside me, breathing heavily but not looking at me.
"Serious Boy, I finally found you," I started, grabbing one of his hands. "You need to talk to me! Look at me!"
He looked, but I immediately regretted asking. His eyes, usually serious, were now filled with anger that he couldn't hide. It shattered me, and I felt even more crushed when he pulled his hand away from mine, grabbed his book from the table, and left the library with quick, determined steps.
"Dan!" I shouted, my voice trembling and hoarse. The librarian glanced up, her face closing off in a disapproving expression as her eyes fixed on me with a severe look.
I couldn't let him leave without hearing me out one more time; I needed to at least be heard. I ran after Dan, but it felt like he had wheels on his feet as he quickly disappeared from view. Following my instincts, I headed toward the side stairs of the building, where hardly anyone ever went. There, I found him heading down to the floor below.
"Serious Boy... Dan! I need to tell you just one thing, please! Don't run!" I shouted again, but he didn't look at me and kept walking. I didn't give up and continued to follow him.
Throughout this story, it should have become clear that I'm not the most careful person, right? Often, it was enough to change my step rhythm to lose my balance and fall. Now, imagine what happened when I ran down a narrow staircase without paying attention to the steps. I tripped and tumbled down the stairs, my body hitting at least eight steps. Fortunately, I managed to protect my head during the fall.
"Damn it!" I shouted as I gripped the railing to stop my fall.
It was then, while running, that Dan looked back. His eyes, once blazing with anger and coldness, now widened in shock. He stopped abruptly, his stern expression giving way to a mix of surprise and concern. Without hesitation, he ran toward me.
"Are you okay? You're bleeding!" he said in his usual serious voice. Unfortunately, he was right. My pants were torn and my knee was bleeding.
"I... it's nothing!" I replied, not caring about the pain, focused on his worried face in front of me. "Dan, I..."
"No." He looked directly at me as if commanding me to stop talking, and I, unwittingly, obeyed like a trained dog.
He pulled out his backpack and took out a cotton ball and antiseptic. With surprising care, he started to clean the wound on my knee.
"Ah, that hurts!" I complained, but he seemed unfazed. "Ouch! Is it normal for you to carry these things in your backpack? You don't seem like the type to get hurt often."
He simply looked at me. At that moment, I couldn't understand what his look meant, but I took the chance to grab his arm and look him in the eye.
"Dan, please, let me talk to you," I begged, my voice almost a whisper. I sat beside him and leaned in, my face close to his, trying to convey all the urgency and sincerity in my gaze. "Just listen to me this time; I promise I won't bother you again. I'll leave you alone."
He stared at me for a few seconds, clearly weighing what to do. To my surprise, he finished treating my wound and sat down next to me. His gaze was lost ahead, so I began to speak, watching him even though he didn't look at me:
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry! What I did was wrong, I know. I was an idiot... I thought I was doing what was best for you, but I was really only thinking about myself and what I wanted, without considering your own decisions." I sighed, seeing that he didn't react. Then, I was surprised to feel tears start forming in my eyes.
What was happening? I had never seen myself in such a vulnerable situation, not knowing how to handle it. The intensity of the pain felt almost physical, a weight in my chest that made me cry. The simple fact of being ignored by him tore me apart inside. If I could, at that moment, I would have given myself completely to the storm of emotions, hugged him, let the tears flow, and apologized once again. But fear paralyzed me, and I continued speaking:
"Dan, I know I didn't respect you. I know it seemed like I used you and... I did use you, even if unintentionally. But I need you to know how sorry I am and that I'd rather live in a world without nature than see you like this, upset with me." I did my best to hide my choked voice, but I could barely control myself when he continued to avoid looking at me. "But I will respect you this time. If you don't want or aren't ready to forgive me, I'll respect that. But know that, even if it's many years from now, if you're willing to accept my apology, I'll be very happy."
I took a deep breath and forced a smile, even though no one was watching. I stood up and faced him, while his expression was still hidden behind an emotion I couldn't quite grasp. It seemed like he would never forgive me, and I needed to accept that.
"Thank you so much for taking care of my wound," I said, pulling something from my pocket: a carefully folded piece of paper. "Remember when I told you I saw a silent film and it reminded me of you? I wrote something about it, and I think it's only fair that you read it. Here it is. Goodbye, Dan!"
I gently placed the paper on his backpack and quickly turned to leave, not letting him see the endless tears streaming down my face as I finally couldn't hold them back any longer. That feeling seemed like it would never leave me, and it felt like I would never find peace again.
I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but seeing something in your life end because of your own mistakes is the worst thing in the world. The sense that there's nothing you can do to fix it and that the decision is now in someone else's hands is something I wasn't used to.
But there was nothing more I could do. He heard my words, and I sincerely hoped he would read the note. It wasn't anything special, just something I thought about him after watching the film. The truth is, I never intended to show it, but it felt right at that moment—at least he would know how I perceived him.That night passed like the others. The little sleep I got was filled with nightmares of drowning in the canal. The lack of rest was leaving my body completely exhausted, with dark circles under my eyes; I looked like a walking corpse searching for its own grave to crawl back into. And I was like that at the theater, as other characters auditioned before me. I tried to stay focused, but the lack of motivation and physical exhaustion made it difficult.
"That was the last one for today, Wave," Marco said beside me. "Are you alive?"
"I think so." I was slumped in the chair, with some script pages on my chest, not even sure if my eyes were open.
"I'm looking forward to our next meeting here."
"You are? Why?" Was I awake?
"Why do you ask? Your deadline to bring me Adrien is coming up on the next audition day. I'm excited to see him!"
"Ugh, about that..." I felt a pang in my chest again. "I don't think it's going to be possible, Marco. We'll really need to choose someone who has already auditioned, maybe even Sandee herself."
"What? But why..." Marco's question was cut off by the sound of quick footsteps echoing across the stage, approaching the edge. "What's going on?"
Marco was asking the person above the stage. I hadn't noticed who it was because, as I suspected, my eyes were completely shut.
"I want to audition... for the role of Adrien."
That voice, that tone, I would recognize it even in the middle of a crowd shouting at once. I opened my eyes quickly, even though my ears and my own heart already knew. He was there, standing, more handsome than ever, looking directly at me.
It was Dan.
The Note:
Serious Boy,
They say silent cinema is the art of saying everything without using a single word, and I never thought that was possible until I met you.
You have an entire galaxy inside your eyes, and it fascinates me in such an intense way that makes me want to be by your side, continually discovering this new part of the universe.
You inspire me effortlessly, just by being you. So... keep being that way and look at me again. You don't need to say anything, just... look at me.
Even if it's just one last glance, I need to see a new world coming to life in your eyes at least one more time.
Would you do that for me, Dan?
— Wave