Even though I know how it happened, sometimes I still wonder just how it happened.
Let me go back a few steps.
Scientists had been creating infinitesimally small black holes for years at CERN. When the news originally broke, people freaked out, but the scientists assured us that everything was totally fine. The tiny black holes evaporated in microseconds due to Hawking Radiation, so we were safe. Thanks for discovering that, Steve.
Except one day things suddenly weren't fine.
They continually ramped up power at the Large Hadron Collider, discovering all sorts of new particles on a monthly basis, including infinitely small black holes. And then, on an otherwise unremarkable Tuesday morning, they created one that was a bit larger. It didn't evaporate immediately. Instead, it had enough mass to grow. And grow it did.
Fortunately, they were able to use the power of the particle accelerator to trap the black hole in an insanely strong magnetic field. Once they did that, the scientists sent out a warning message that spread across the entire globe in a matter of minutes.
Earth is going to be consumed by a black hole. Make your peace, as the end is here. We can't stop it. For what it's worth, we are sorry.
That was the last message they ever sent. Many people thought it sucked. I mean come on, perfect opportunity for a catchy one-liner.
As expected, everyone panicked. People started shoplifting, because when the world is about to end, you really need that new Playstation. Crime was rampant. In a matter of hours, downtown Cleveland was a smoking mess, filled with the sounds of gunshots and the screams of the dying. In other words, only slightly worse than usual.
I've always tried my hardest to be a calm guy. Ever since I was little, I always admired those people who could stay calm under pressure, in any situation. I tried to be that guy. And so, when the end came, I kept my cool.
It was just past ten in the morning when the news broke. I was at work, typing away on a report that was due later that week. Social media went insane, and my phone started beeping and vibrating like crazy. When I saw the news, I immediately checked several news channels. They all said the same thing: this was not a hoax. Many of the newscasters finished their stories with positive messages, trying to inject a bit of hope in the last minutes. One guy told his wife he loved her, in case he wasn't able to see her again.
As for me, I simply got up from my desk, walked over to my boss's office, and opened the door. I didn't bother knocking.
"Hey, Chip," I said.
"What the fuck is going on?" he shouted, practically tearing his hair out. "Did you see the news, Aaron?" He ran around his office, grabbing his laptop, shrugging into his jacket, and generally trying to do three things at once and failing at all of them.
"Thanks for being a good boss. Maybe take these last minutes to relax," I told him. I wasn't sure if he heard me, but hey. I did my part. We'll check that box.
After that, I calmly walked out of the building, moving quickly but not rushing. A stampede of employees moved around me, intent on leaving as soon as possible. By the time I made it outside, the parking lot was already mostly empty. In their panic, everyone had already left.
Trey, the CEO, stood in the parking lot, cell phone up to his ear, shouting at someone. Since we were all going to die, I decided to try my luck. I mean hey, what was the worst that could happen? I was already going to die.
"Hey, Trey," I said as I approached him.
"Not right now, Aaron," he shouted, holding a hand up. He then went back to yelling at someone on the phone. It sounded like his wife, who was also yelling. What a great time for an argument.
"Hey!" I said, talking loudly enough that he couldn't ignore me. "We're all about to die. Let me have your car. I mean, you won't need it, right?" It was worth a shot.
He dug in his pocket and pulled out his keys, then threw them at me. "Fuck, just leave me the hell alone, Aaron!" he shouted.
The keys hit me in the chest and I caught them. Score.
I turned and walked twenty feet to the brand new Porsche 911 Turbo S parked in the reserved spot and hopped in. The seats fit me like an alcantara glove. At least Trey had the decency to buy the car with a manual transmission. I turned it on and smiled at the sound of the engine roaring to life. I slipped it into reverse, backed out of the spot, then sped away.
Even with society melting around me, the drive home was pretty awesome. Every time a gap in traffic presented itself, my foot went to the floor. I wasn't sure exactly how much horsepower the car had—around six hundred I thought, but wasn't certain—but it was enough that the acceleration felt like I was offsetting the Earth's rotation. I even lucked out and found a clear stretch of road out in the suburbs and managed to hit a hundred forty in no time. The acceleration felt more like a spaceship than a car.
I pulled into a parking spot in front of my apartment building, then remembered that I was about to die. With that in mind, I backed out, made sure I was in an open area in the parking lot, turned the wheel all the way to the right, and floored it. The car lurched to the side and white smoke poured off the tires.
Initially, I had my concerns that an all wheel drive car wouldn't be able to do a donut. I guess with this much power, that didn't matter. I kept my foot to the floor until I was spinning in a cloud of tire smoke so thick I couldn't see out of it. With a laugh, I finally stopped, then hopped out of the car. I left it right there in the parking lot with the door open and the keys inside. The engine was still running, too. Hopefully someone else could enjoy it before we all ceased to exist.
Screams and panicked shouts filled the area, but most of them sounded distant. I hurried up the stairs in my apartment building until I got to the third floor, then made my way to my room. Someone was beating one of the other tenants with a baseball bat further down the hall. The assailant saw me and shouted, so I quickly went into my room, slammed the door, and slid the deadbolt. At least this place had steel doors. For good measure, I pushed my heavy-ass desk in front of the door so no one could get in. The guy banged on the door a few times with his bat, but eventually left to find easier prey.
My plan was pretty simple. I went to the fridge and grabbed a twelve pack of beer I had bought a week ago. I didn't drink that much, so that twelve pack would probably last me all month. I set it next to my favorite chair, cracked one of them open, and put in my favorite video game. Maybe it wasn't a memorable way to die, but I didn't care. I just wanted to relax and enjoy myself with the small amount of time that I had left.
I downed the beer like it was water. After four of them, I checked my phone again. Amidst all the people freaking out about the end of the world, reports were coming out that the black hole had escaped the magnetic field at CERN due to a sudden power failure. It was growing at an exponential rate, so while nothing major had happened yet, we didn't have long. I celebrated by launching my empty beer can out the window next to me. Yolo.
Two hours into my game, I was pretty damn drunk. The characters were a bit fuzzy, and my coordination was all but gone. It felt like I was trying to move the joysticks while wearing heavy gloves. I had a great time, though. Always loved that game. To be honest, I didn't give a shit that I kept dying. In fact, I was trying to find new and more inventive ways to die. Anything for a laugh at that point.
I downed the last beer, then got up to drain my bladder. Once I was done peeing, I stumbled back into the living room and checked out the window. The building shook, hard. We didn't get earthquakes in Cleveland, so I knew that was the end coming. The Earth being sucked into a fucking black hole. The building shook again and the power flickered.
Gravity suddenly felt strange, like I wasn't being pulled straight down any longer. Instead, I seemed to be pulled slightly to the side. It dawned on me that the black hole was the new center of gravity, instead of the core of the Earth. So I was being pulled towards Switzerland. The building shook again and I heard the sound of concrete collapsing.
"Damn," I said to myself. "I should have rubbed one out."
I had just enough time to laugh before I died.