Yellow Season

So, years went by and I never realized why I fell in love with that one....

It all just hit me now. I think, it is because I have never been treated nicely by any man except for my father and him. Not that these two "gentleman" have treated me like a princess but at the very least it was better than any other man I've ever known; even though both of them have insulted me in the most outlandish ways. And as my father obviously did the worst part of these insults; it makes the other one, him, the nicest man I've ever been acquainted with.

What's more interesting? He is a cousin of mine; from my mother's side. That makes him basically... my family. Pathetic, isn't it? But do not laugh yet. Because you are yet to know how deeply I am in love with him and what kind of strange stupidities it has led me to have done. 

Craig Leigh, is the man whom I previously mentioned as "the one". I fell in love with him...uhhhm...I don't know when, because as long as I can remember I was sighing at the very sight of him each and every time I saw him. 

He has always been mysterious to me. Hence, I am quite sure he is nothing close to my imagination. Might even be the biggest disappointment of my life once I truly get to know him. Some of you will raise your brows thinking how can I not know a man "truly" and be in love with him at the same time. And, the rest of you will obviously relate to me, might even feel sorry for us who fell victim to such shit once you read this.

It is because, love, is like a disease. It remains hidden inside your body for months and you don't even know it. But, the moment you realize something is wrong with you, it starts spreading so rapidly throughout your whole body that it leaves you only little to do. You may either sit back and watch yourself being plagued with helplessness or you could drown yourself into unsettling ideas about whether or not you are going to survive this and be able to feel healthy and happy again. Whether or not you are going to get to live the yellow season of your life for once again.

Craig, the love of my life, has been both rude as hell and sweet as heaven to me in the past. It surely confused me enough to deepen my feelings even more as the time went by. And you know if you know; one thing teenage female mind will never cease to do and it is to hallucinate themselves with foolish feelings such as love for those dirt bags who only ever makes them feel confused as hell. May these dirt bags feel the same helplessness at least once in their life as well.

I love Craig and I love him for all that he is; or maybe I don't, maybe I am just confusing myself. Taking respect for love because one thing is sure that I respect him the most; of all men. Because, I'm going to mention it once again even though I mentioned it before; men has not been nice with me ever; not even once. And despite of him scolding and criticizing me; he is the only one to have ever helped me out of a favor; for more than once. 

Craig and I, are not even friends! There is always an invisible wall between us. though I wonder it often, is this wall unbreakable? Is there nothing I could do to remove it from between the two of us? And if we truly loved each other there shouldn't be any kind of stupid wall standing between us. We would have defied everything and everyone who would even dare think of try and separate us.

He doesn't love me, does he?

Then why would he even bother to lend me that chemistry book; implying that I could improve my knowledge in Organic Chemistry with the help of that book when I went to their house last night? Why?? What's more; I didn't even ask for it.

"Here. Try study Organic Chem from this one. You will find it much easier," he said to me while placing the book on the table beside me.

"Ok," I replied back. Then he mumbled another thing which I couldn't catch because he had food inside his mouth while he was talking. He does that all the time!

I said, "Ok" anyway. Again. Just to annoy him. Boys hate it when girls reply with single words during conversations. Hell... I didn't even say "Thank you" after his seweet(?) gesture let alone showing any kind of gratitude. It was only fair that he got irritated and left me to my own devices.

I wonder. Maybe he does love me. Wait.... then what fucking reasons could he have to tell me to remove earphones from my ears when I was busy watching K-drama and wasn't socializing enough at his sister's birthday party? I mean, yes, the other guests who were present at that party could call me rude behind my back but I truly couldn't care less. Despite, he had no authority to correct my behavior even if it was their party. Plus, I was invited by her sister, so, I was practically her guest. And she didn't seem to mind. On the contrary, she was quite shocked seeing him overreacting about my little attempt of trying to isolate myself from the crowd. She complained several times about it to their mother later when the party was over. She was naturally sorry for me. 

"What exactly is wrong with this dude?" her sister kept repeating with irritation. "What kind of a man does that?" she finished. I fumbled out loud; "I'll tell you. Dirt bags!" .

Without even realizing she could possibly hear me. But she seemed to have thinking about the unpleasant incident too deeply. Shortly afterwards she turned her head in my direction and asked, "Did you say something?" She looked a bit confused. "I didn't catch you."

"Nahh... thing.... NOTHING!" I assured her.

 I should not give a single fuck even if he loves me! One should always stay away from this type of men. Idiot! Stupid! Arrogant! Oh, how I hate him! I hate him for everything he ever did. I hate him for that time when he insulted me in front of everyone just because I called my father by his name. As if, I did that on a regular basis! Why does he always scold me? He is not my father or my brother! He is a nobody!

And I hate him for that time when he pretended not to have seen me in the street when I saw him notice me... worse... I saw him notice my sister and instantly initiating a whole conversation with her. She was few steps ahead of me when I saw them giggling with each other! Cherry on top, he didn't even bother looking at me...! Everyone looks at me...always! I am Amelia Kennings of Parklane Road, Swarthmore, Philadelphia! Though I am not respected by the lot as stated before but I make almost everyone look at me without even trying! Remember that Meghan Trainor song? Yeah... just like that!

Last summer, he sent my sister a reel on Instagram. So, she sent him another one. And it kept going on for like a month. As if she doesn't know that I am hopelessly in love with him. Maybe because, I told her thousand times that I moved on already! But that does not give her the right too flirt with her cousin! I mean, isn't that incestuous? Whatever!!!

Do not dare call me a hypocrite! We live in a world of hypocritical people! Come on, guys! Stop judging me already. Didn't I mention I was hopelessly in love with him? I can't help it even if it is incestuous. 

Craig has to clarify this whole 'texting' situation once we're married. What? Now I can't even imagine for an impossible happy ending?? Come on, guys!!! You ALL do that!!

That idiot Craig has to apologize for everything he ever did! As if he ever will. Who am I fooling? He doesn't even care if I live or die. He won't even notice if I die tomorrow. He doesn't even care enough to hate me! And here I am throwing my entire "Dating Life" into a trash bag because of him. I won't date anyone but him and he would rather date depressions but me! It is hopeless! I am hopeless!!

Just like this man sitting beside me. He's been disturbing me since the moment I got on this godforsaken bus. I usually go to school on foot. Damn these cramps. They didn't bother me earlier. The more I am getting older the more I find myself yielding to physical limitations. As well as mental ones. Per se, this moment right now. I am both terrified of and disgusted by this man. Although, if it would have happened two years prior this day; I would only feel aversion, not fright. 

For the past twenty minutes, he is trying to grab my hand. He is trying to demonstrate as if it is purely unintentional. I feel like screaming and crying whenever a man thinks he can use my body for his own pleasure without even considering my will. I feel so powerless. Disrespectful men are everything that is wrong with this world. Men like this; think they can exploit women however they want and on the top of it; they think women have no right whatsoever minding this reprehensible attitude let alone complaining about it. And that is exactly what frightens me. 

Now he is trying to put his hands on my thighs. Though I am wearing tights under my skirt but my legs are still visible from outside. Enough of this bullshit! I grabbed his hand tightly and glared right into his eyes while throwing his hands to his sides.

He is all astonishment. Probably cursing me in his mind.

"You just couldn't let me have the fun. Could you?" Are probably the exact words playing on inside his mind right now.

Whatever. My stop is here anyway. I glared at him once again. This time, with more intense. He doesn't look very pleased. I got out of the bus regretting my actions. Why couldn't I shout?

It is a five-minute walk from here to my school. I am a high-school senior at Swarthmore high. This will be my last year here. Finally! This place sucks my brains. The only thing that is good about this place are my friends. I met Mel and Jodie at my first year here. I hated Mel the whole semester. So, Jodie and I planned a divide and rule situation by applying the idea of students being seated according to their serial numbers. Which separated Mel from her "best" friend Cindy. And she took me for her greatest foe alive. I don't how the events went upside down but we became inseparable when we came to know about our mutual admiration for Hulu's super hit drama series 'The Great' whilst being forced to work on the same project together. Hell! Even that snake Cindy liked it! 

"What are you smiling about?" Mel shouted at me because of all the noise of bells ringing as loudly as possible. Which indicates we are running late for the class. It gives me a chance upon ignoring Mel's question. She still considers Cindy as a friend of hers. Won't probably like the idea of me calling Cindy a SNAKE!