A journal entry: October 5th, 2004.
(Two month till 16.)
It's been a ride huh?
Not as wild as I figured it was going to be, but I have a couple more journals sitting around so worry not!
It has definitely been...cathartic?
I tend to think and think and think at times.
I overthink more often than I care to admit.
Being able to look so far back into my past -even if it is only into small windows like this- does something for me.
It sets some memories right.
It throws me backward into a state of mind that I often times find is so alien, yet strangely comforting.
Back to times when I stressed over things like girls, friends, and outfits (Mostly hand-me-downs.)
And not things like bills, relationships, and maintaining a solid job.
I don't know how, or why...but it helps.
Bah...
Hey, this just happens to be the last entry in this old journal.
There are a few small notes here and there.
Favorite quotes, song lyrics, and the likes.
I'm sure that stuff will make it to your looking balls soon enough!
Till then? I will leave you all to what you came for lol.
Enjoy.
-----
Today was actually a not so bad not so good day...
XXXXX (My best friend at the time) told me that XXXXX is not a virgin
(which I don't know If I believe...) But she has given way to make me believe.
She told me she loved me but in the same -breath- dumps me and refuses to talk to me.
We haven't talked for about a week besides yesterday which wasn't even a count towards a conversation...
She seems super and happy, probably with her new boyfriend (if there is one) but LOOK at her!
She has to have a new one by now...
Oh and about that birthday part that she went to when she got drunk...
She told me she only touched the guy...and I was like:
"yeah, well we are okay. I forgive you."
But then XXXXX tells me she told him she sucked his (and I quote young me.) "U-know-what" which pisses me off because she lied to me and told me she did nothing with him and was a virgin.
Right about now I don't even know her anymore...I mean, how can you love someone one night then the next day care less about them?
I'm confused...
I just want to know the truth...
I mean I loved (and in a small way still do) love her.
And I don't want us to just end...but as she said, she doesn't want to give me a false hope of us actually having something. She wants us to be nothing, and that's all...
Well me being a knight, her wish is my command.
Tomorrow is the last time I will call her until I feel comfortable even mentioning her name...
PS.
I knew something was wrong. She never loved me or cared. I have been so stupid to go back a third time.
This is the journal and recondense of Terrance Morrice Stephens for the year 2004.
If you are reading this, you are one of two things: A friend who has permission, or a nosey sneak!
But as to this (young me drew an arrow that points over to the page that contained all of the above.) If I never see her again, I hope she remembers me as a loved one...or even as an enemy, as long as 20 years from now she remembers me.
The one and only...
Terry.
Age 15. 2004.
-----
Yeah...uh.
So.
A couple of things! lol
Firstly, up until 18 years old I went as "Terance Morrice Stephens" who does not exist (a whole different story mind you.) so technically none of this cringy shit is from ME lbvs.
Secondly, remember a few chapters back when I told you all about that time we went to the movies?
That was the whole "false hope" speech that I apparently went through somewhere around the time of this journal entry.
My recollection was right, my timeline was not lol.
But yeah...
Man, oh man.
Thirdly, I still can't say that I remember dating her...I can't.
Yet young me seems so...adamant that I did.
Maybe it is all suppressed beneath layers of...life?
Experience?
Denial?
That last one may be it if I am being honest with myself.
Young me was so torn apart over her. I can't deny that.
I can't make any of this up.
I was so hurt. I remember some of this a bit more clearly as the emotions that were tied to those memories began to come back.
It's wild...scary even, to look back at this old journal and sorta feel some of that residual, unsolved, unrequited love seep back in around the edges...
I may joke about it, but it really did effect me a bit more than I care to admit.
I want to say I forgive her, but I don't really think there is much to be forgiven, you know.
We were just kids.
And in hindsight, a lot of that was just me being me.
Fourthly, I had no real idea what love was obviously, but I really thought that I had it figured out for the most part. Until I very much found out that I did not.
I am sure that most of those rumors and stories about her were just that, and I was just hyper emotional and in desperate need of love.
PS. 20 years later, XXXXX does remember me lol.
She is doing just fine, small family and all, and I wish her still nothing but the best!
Maybe I'll see you good folk soon.
Maybe.
Love, T. Ivy.