Landing on the roof of some low building a couple kilometers from Alastor's penthouse, I couldn't help but laugh out loud:
"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I hope no one's watching me, because a laughing Gloomy Mouse looks unrealistically weird and even a little scary. Hahaha, though even if someone saw me and told me about it, no one would believe him.
The end of the night shift was really funny, and it helped me take my mind off the failure to catch Michael. The latex-clad thief didn't believe I, or rather Bats, would do that to her until the last moment, so her expression at the moment of my tactical retreat was all over the place: anger, embarrassment, anger, determination, and anticipation of a brutal reprisal. The emotions were intertwined in an incredibly appealing kaleidoscope, but I still tried to get away from the angry girl as quickly as possible, as the whip was unlikely to keep her away for long. I didn't want to spend the rest of the night chasing after her, because I was planning to meet the sunrise on the roof of some skyscraper with two adorable superheroines, but I had to change into normal clothes.
"You shouldn't have done that," Alfred said, realizing that I had calmed down a bit and was ready for an adequate perception of the information.
"Ha ha, come on. From our little dialog, I realized that he and Bats weren't enemies, so Cat would hardly try to kill him, at most she'd make him chase around the city, stealing some super-expensive thing, or try to beat him up, but that idea was doomed to failure, since she'd even lost to me.
"A hurt woman can do unexpected things, and Ms. Kyle knows that Batman and Bruce Wayne are one and the same person," I heard the obvious condemnation in his voice.
I felt a little sorry for the butler, because while Gotham's protector languished in the Court of Owls, he'd have to restrain Selina, who was demanding satisfaction. So I'll have to organize a second search, which I can do with the gadgets I've been given. I wanted to see the look on Bruce's face when the girl came to him and confronted him with her grievances.
After visualizing this scene, I couldn't hold back a smile.
"Laugh, please," Alfred asked suddenly, knocking me out of my thoughts about installing cameras in the Batcave.
"Ha ha ha," I laughed without question, being in great spirits.
No, in Bats' lair there will definitely be problems with inconspicuous placement of equipment, so it is necessary for them to meet somewhere on neutral territory, which I will stuff with surveillance equipment in advance. Mouse isn't the only one who can spy!
"Not like this," my invisible assistant said after a moment's hesitation, tapping at the keyboard. - Make it more creepy.
Huh, what a strange request.
"Like the Dark Lord atop the Tower of Death, created from the skulls of brutally slain enemies?
"I guess..." he answered uncertainly.
Whoa!
"Ha hah," I think back to the interworld and begin to realize something.
Damn, my laughter after a funny memory is obviously different than usual, and since Alfred noticed it, his master knows it too... Also, Bats is going to finish me off when he gets back.
I voiced that last thought, deciding not to mention the superhero death option, since that would be beyond fantasy, even considering that this world is real. Besides, there are certain hints that he's still alive.
Local villains and secret societies are no strangers to theatricality, even at the expense of efficiency. Melholm's fanatics: the presence of surveillance equipment in the castle, or even normal lighting, would not have allowed Harley and I to get to the altar so easily, and the Court of Owls is a semi-mythical organization that would not miss a chance to organize a show with the murder of Gotham's protector.
"I think it's not that bad, especially if you save the master," the butler subtly hinted at a way out of the difficult situation.
"Hmm, you're right, I've got a couple of ideas about who might be able to lead me to the Court's trail," I summoned the batcycle through the computer built into the wristband. - I'll get on it tonight.
"Why don't you tell me what's going on with you?" The older man asked worriedly after a pause. - I have a degree in psychology, and we could just talk. I guarantee that even the foreman won't know about it.
"My mind conjured up an image of a beautiful nymph with colorful hair. - It's just that there are times when I... I stop being a douche and follow my heart. Believe me, I had no intention of putting anyone in danger, and Cat asked for it. In the end, maybe it was for the best.
"I don't quite understand you.
"You think about it, Bats won't admit I switched him, so Selina's the one who's going to be pissing him off. Soon enough, your master will have a steady girlfriend. Besides, she knows about his nocturnal activities, and she can protect herself in case of trouble, at least from the usual gangsters: practically a perfect candidate.
"Hmm..." the butler hummed meaningfully. - Ms. Kyle is a good choice as a life partner, but I don't think she enjoyed the spanking session.
"Well," I shrugged, deciding not to think about how my companion knew those words, "my method has worked twice already, so everything should be fine, of course, if Bats doesn't screw up, but you'd better give him a good talking-to. Now, do you know if there's a secret hideout or safe house nearby where I can change into something normal? I want to have a little date with the girls, but I don't want to do it while wearing a bat cosplay.
"8 Mall Street, in the tech room on the top floor," Oracle replied, after querying the batcomputer.
"That sounds very familiar," I wondered where I might have heard that address.
"This is one of your hideouts, the coordinates of which you gave the master.
"Huh, that's right!" I step off the roof, heading for the two-wheeled vehicle.
The Joker had many small hideouts hidden throughout the city, but this one in particular, according to Harley, was just one room where he could stay for a week and replenish his weapons. Hmm, the building is on the east side of the island and there shouldn't be any skyscrapers around it, so it would be perfect for a sunrise meeting. Right after I came down, I contacted the bored girls, who had long ago caught all the criminals who hadn't had time to hide, and asked them out on a little date, which made both of them enthusiastic.
"Oracle, don't you think it's a strange idea to set up a staging post in the lair of a suspected enemy?" I asked, arriving at the place and looking around the small room.
I had the feeling that the Dark Knight had decided not to bother and left everything as it was. I even got inside after turning a lever hidden behind a false panel, which my assistant told me about, but it would have been possible to screw on a code lock or a biometric scanner with voice identification, like at the entrance to the Batcave. And just using someone else's hideout is, at the very least, very strange.
"And who said the master began to do that?" Alfred said slyly. - He just wanted to make sure you were really done with your criminal activities, so he left a few declassified points as bait.
"That means...
"Yeah, all your stuff is in place, except for a bunch of tracking devices and tabs so you can't use weapons.
"Ha ha ha, it doesn't matter!" I opened my closet, looking at the purple suit with delight.
Bruce's butler, of course, tried to make the superhero outfit for the night hunt look good, but the special inserts still got in the way, and I didn't like the general style very much, but now I could change into normal clothes, which even from an aesthetic point of view looked pretty good.
"I don't think it's the best choice, considering what's going on in the city," the older British man remarked, seeing my choice through the helmet-mounted cameras. - There's a nice casual suit hanging on the right.
"Forget it, we'll just sit on the roof and I'll just cast an illusion if anything happens," I replied, starting to re-dress.
What can I say? I guess my proportions had changed a bit, because the original jacket was a little stingy in the shoulders, or this piece of closet was not ordered from Bill, which is doubtful, given the excellent materials. Grabbing a couple of warm plaids from the sofa, I went to the roof and waited for the girls, who arrived in a couple of minutes.
I was afraid Babs wouldn't like my purple clown-psychopath outfit, but Mousey blushed a little when she saw me in my old look, and Harley was absolutely delighted and rushed over to hug me, almost breaking the bottle of alcohol she'd thoughtfully brought with her.
The mini-date turned out to be perfect: two seductive beauties, wine, and a wonderful view of the slowly waking up city, which had survived another night almost unscathed, and the realization that we had a hand in it filled my heart with a kind of childish delight, and judging by the happy faces of the girls, I was not the only one who felt this wonderful feeling.
Unfortunately, we couldn't relax for long, because Mousey was too responsible, so after half an hour she went home to get some sleep and then go to school. After the redhead, to whom I lent the batcycle, left, Harley and I also went home, but on the way we had to make a small stop because of the Oracle, who contacted us, informing us about the robbery.
Oh, these assholes are annoying. Bats is officially back in the ranks, as we were kindly told by an elderly British man who monitors rumors in the criminal environment through informants, and it's already morning. Couldn't we just put off the whole thing until tonight? I got out of the car with annoyance and headed for the alley where the call had come from.
"Mr. J!" Harley called out to me, leaning out of the hatch of the Batmobile. - You're in your costume!
I take a little slower step when I touch the diamond. Why the hell would I waste a scarce item on some moron?! There are Jokers on every corner in Gotham now, thanks to Strange's efforts. I'll put a simple illusion on my face and that'll do it. Ha-ha, plus a good Joker would be a nice change of pace.
"Fuck it!" I replied, continuing on my way.
The speaker was taken off while we were still on the date, so I'll listen to Alfred's lectures after I get back.
As I suspected, the robbery was really the work of some idiots, because in the two minutes that had passed since the call was made, the trio of criminals had only managed to beat up some poor guy and had just started searching for valuables.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha, I'm the lucky one!" My exclamation was not ignored, and the robbers jumped up, staring intensely at my smiling face with terrible scars at the corners of my mouth and crazy eyes with irises of acid-green color. - Okay, I'm not gonna give you morals and shit, I'm just gonna beat you up. I'm kind of for the good guys," I said cheerfully, kneading my fists.
Over the past few days, the local criminal elements (unless they were in a clown gang, of course) had clearly developed a reflex to have less contact with green-haired individuals, but I seemed to be the most beaten-down Joker, because instead of talking or trying to fight back, they silently scattered, hoping to escape from justice. Naturally, this maneuver was initially doomed to failure. One cool hero in a stylish suit easily caught up with each of them and sent them off to dreamland with a fracture.
"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, approaching the rescued man and noting that the citizen seemed to belong to the lower strata of society: shitty coat in patches, drunken face with a yellow black eye, which had obviously been received a couple of days ago, the absence of several teeth; it's not even clear why he should be robbed.
"And I thought that those stories were bullshit... - without paying attention to my question, the man sat down on the asphalt, holding his bruised ribs.
"What's the story?
"A couple of days ago there was a rumor that Joker had helped arrest a drug dealer, but it was quickly hushed up, because no one would believe such nonsense even in a drunken delirium. Ugh, shit," he grimaced.
"I see. Can you get to the hospital by yourself?
"Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time. That's-- Thank you.
"Ha ha ha, you're welcome!" I laughed and headed back to the car, whistling a happy tune and anticipating the public's reaction.
Still, a Joker who became a hero is way cooler than just a Joker who gave up his criminal past and took the name J Arkham.
"How'd it go?" Harley asked me impatiently as I got behind the wheel, making sure that no one was around. It's one thing to be a kindly psychopathic clown, but it's quite another when he's driving around the city in Batman's car: no one will believe that nonsense, ha-ha-ha.
"Great! The look on their faces as I began my swift reprisal was awesome," I began to share details of the encounter. Hmm, something's missing... Right!
"Oracle, is there anything you'd like to say?
"He stepped back, saying that some Selina had arrived.
"Oh, it's gonna be a long time.
In response to a perplexed look, I recounted a little incident with Catwoman, which made my companion quite delighted, but a little upset that I hadn't called her out on it.
Knowing how Harley's help in such matters ends, I was glad she was far away, or else Gloomy Mouse would have tried to kill me for sure. And taking away from Bats his only relatively normal girlfriend, who knows about his secret love of Bat cosplay, seems a bit dickish.
The waking city created certain problems for traveling by Batmobile, so even before the bridge we moved to the underground tracks running through the sewers. There were camouflaged cameras and sensors installed along them, which eliminated the possibility of accidentally stumbling upon workers or some homeless people, but we couldn't enjoy the ride for long, because Alfred still managed to get rid of Selina's insistence, and, as I suspected, began to look at me judgmentally, using the holographic screen on the dashboard for this purpose. Well, at least he wasn't lecturing me, which was a plus.
After five minutes of silence, which I stoically ignored, the elderly Brit sighed heavily and recommended using the alternate route to the batcave, as the main one might well be guarded by a hapless thief.
***
While the duo of magnificent heroes were returning from their nighttime adventure, a trio of pale men sat in a huge room of an underground base in north Gotham around a round table with a map of the city fixed to it, on which were many colorful markings.
"What are we going to do?" one of them asked, rocking back in his chair and deftly shuffling a metal deck of cards. - If he's really back, our plan doesn't make sense. Why don't we just wait until they finish each other off and then take over, dividing the city into neighborhoods? I'll make mine into a giant amusement park! Ha ha ha, I've got some brilliant ideas, like rafting down an acid river.
"I don't think that's going to work," said the other one with a chuckle. - Your visitors will get chemical burns on the way in and won't swim anywhere even at gunpoint. But I like the idea of dividing up the neighborhoods.
"Shut up, both of you," the oldest of the trio said sternly, resting his chin on his folded hands and looking at his talkative accomplices. - Let's proceed as planned. We already have everything we need for Phase Three, so there's no need to go into the city again.
"Huh, I see, boss," the "future amusement park owner" comically saluted. - I'll go prepare our "fellow" then?
"Go ahead, but I swear on my dead wife, if you try to break the delivery robot again, I will rip out your insides and hang them on the walls as decoration.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come on," the man laughed merrily, hiding the card behind his back as he aimed it at the caterpillar robot carrying food into the empty box chamber. - I could have hacked all the systems a long time ago, and I'm getting sick of this driving thing and the nasty steam generator.
"And reveal where we're hiding? As long as we don't change anything here, it's the perfect place to run our plan right under his nose, so shut up and go prepare Jeff. He may be flawed, but he'll serve the cause just fine.