No, but—even so, it's too early to draw a conclusion without even knowing what kind of person he is.
Regarding this matter, I feel it seems a bit different from being infatuated.
"I feel nostalgic."
"Can you have a nostalgic feeling for someone you care about?"
My softly muttered words made Carl wear an incredulous expression and tilt his head.
"Ah, that's exactly how I feel."
His voice, eyes, hands and movements—for some reason, everything about him makes me feel nostalgic. And this feeling is growing stronger day by day.
"Did you only meet that person recently?"
"Well, I met him once on the night when it started snowing and only chatted for a short while."
Probably just for five or ten minutes, that's all we talked.
"Ah, haven't you seen him before?"
"Huh?"
Carl, who had been thinking alone all along, suddenly looked up at me. His words made my eyes widen and I blinked. I had never thought like this before.
But—.
"Even so, the other party should have noticed, right? He didn't show any signs like that at all."
Not only that, sometimes he would even show a troubled expression. Basically, he doesn't seem to have much emotional fluctuation. The hand he touched, the gaze he directed at me, the cheek he kissed. I can't understand his intention and meaning from these expressions.
And he even laughed when he saw me in a fluster. I can only think that I was being teased by him.
"Perhaps he has forgotten, or maybe you, Ben, didn't notice, so he didn't say anything. There could be such a possibility, right?"
"This is already assuming the premise of having met before, isn't it?"
Recalling his matters, my mood became a bit complicated. I couldn't help but frown and retort. Carl gave a wry smile and shrugged.
"You're not good at remembering people's faces and names. Since you have a feeling of deja vu, thinking this way is more reasonable."
Facing me who couldn't accept it, Carl leaned back on the chair. Clearly it's my matter, but he seems to be more confident.
"Thinking about when it could have been can wait until your cold gets better."
Seeing Carl give a wry smile and say that he can't go in his current state, I unconsciously frowned.
"...Even if I think about it, I won't be able to see him again anyway."
"You're giving up too soon."
I handed the empty bowl to Carl who shrugged and then lay on my side and slowly got under the covers.
"Seriously, you're too easily infatuated. I'm very worried. But it doesn't matter even if you have someone you like. As long as you can be happy, I'll help."
"It's not like that."
I do care about him a lot, but it's not that kind of feeling. And even if I see him, I don't know what I want to do. He seems to have a lover. Approaching him out of interest will only bring unnecessary unrest to him like Carl's lover did.
"...Forget it."
"Is that so. The cold medicine, I've brought it. Wait a moment."
Accompanied by a small sigh, the head protruding from the edge of the covers was stroked. Feeling him leave, I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Before, when was it?"
I'm speechless with myself for saying such words even though I told Carl to forget it. And not knowing the reason makes me extremely uneasy and restless.
"If he really knows me, it would be good if he just said it. Then I wouldn't be so troubled. But—perhaps the reason I can't remember him is not because I have no memory, but because he is in the memories that I can't recall."
"Perhaps it was that day? Has it been that long?"
The memory in my heart about the continuous rain that I want to forget but can't. No matter how time passes, no matter how other memories fade, only that memory has always been engraved in my heart accompanied by regret. But there are indeed some parts of the memory missing. For some reason, there are some memories and feelings that I can't recall.
But to be honest, remembering those memories is terrifying. But is it really okay to keep pretending not to know? I sometimes think like this. Have I forgotten something important—occasionally, this thought suddenly occurs to me.
"Ben, take the medicine sooner."
"...Mm."
Suddenly my shoulder was shaken and my body jumped up reflexively. Nevertheless, I still curled up silently in the covers. That hand patted the quilt repeatedly like soothing me.
"You're a bit unstable today. Anyway, take the medicine first and go to sleep. Before that, I'll stay with you."
"I'm always relying on others."
"Huh?"
I'm causing trouble for Carl now too. And making my mother worry extra. Have I not been thinking things through properly all along and always finding excuses to escape?
"Why can't I do things well."
"You, don't think too much about unnecessary things when you're not feeling well."
"That time too."
I relied on her. So I didn't understand her thoughts well. No, I thought I understood—but actually I didn't.
"I took others' efforts for granted and didn't consider her feelings well. Didn't convey my own thoughts and didn't understand her thoughts either."
"...That's not true. Ben also has your own thoughts and you also responded. That time Yolanda was also emotionally unstable. It's not Ben's fault alone."
"But! If I had listened to her properly that day, she wouldn't have encountered such an accident."
I shook off Carl's hand that was stroking my back and lifted the quilt like jumping up.
"Why, I still regret it now. I know it's useless to think about it now, but."
"What's wrong, suddenly like this.... People tend to think a lot of unnecessary things and become uneasy when they're not feeling well."
Carl, with a somewhat puzzled atmosphere, bent down and hugged me, patting my back like soothing me. His gentleness made my chest ache so much that I wanted to cry, but not a single tear could come out.
Since that day—no matter how sad, how painful, how much I want to cry, I can't shed tears. Perhaps in the missing memories, I have forgotten it.
"...Now you're uneasy about things you don't understand. Let's not talk about the past for now. You will definitely meet that person again. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a coincidence."
"I won't be able to meet him."
"Fool, if you think you can't meet him then you really won't. You want to see him, right. Just admit it if you do. Ben has the right to be happy."
"No."
It was me who let go of her hand. It was me who caused her death. If I had held her tightly and conveyed my thoughts properly, such a thing wouldn't have happened. I have no right to miss anyone.
But, even though thinking like this—Carl's words still make me very happy. Actually, I really want to see him. At the time when she left, I wanted to see him again who I probably have already met before and confirm some things. Why do I want to see him so much.
"I don't think it's a feeling like liking or something. But, is it strange to have the thought of wanting to see him?"
I don't have that kind of tender feeling or something like that for him. I just want to see him. I want to see him so much that I can't help it. Really, that's all.
"No, there's nothing strange about it. Human feelings can't be measured by words. Don't think too much. This is Ben's bad habit."
To calm me down who was trembling, Carl hugged me tightly with a small smile. The warmth of his hand stroking my back made something flash through my mind.
—Even if you abandon everything, no one will be saved.
Suddenly while hearing this voice deep in my mind, various scenes began to flash back.
"Ben? What's wrong."
"...My head, it hurts badly."
My head hurts like being hit by a blunt object. The blood circulation in my body drops and I become cold. Cold sweat breaks out. The spinning vision makes me feel nauseous. The images in my mind start to move at a fast-forward speed all of a sudden and an indescribably heavy feeling wells up in my heart.
And then her voice starts to echo repeatedly in my mind like an echo.
—I have already started to feel uneasy being with you.
"Sorry."
—I sometimes can't see you.
"It's my fault."
—Why don't you consider my feelings properly.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
I cover my ears and curl up, listening to her voice and words. The regret and empty feeling from that time well up in my heart again.
"Hey, Ben, Ben."
The distorted vision and Carl's voice coming from afar. In front of my eyes that are starting to turn red, reality and the past are mixed together.
—Why, did I fall in love with you?
I feel that the memories and feelings that were covered and hidden by a thin film are being uncovered.