"Good evening, Sir. Here's the ice you asked for."
"Oh, alright, thanks... By the way, what's your last order time? I was thinking of getting another bucket."
"Sir, when we're fully booked like this and have customers at the restaurant in the back, we're open 24 hours."
"Oh, there's a restaurant back there?"
"Yes, sir. We also have an Olympic-sized swimming pool that's open to guests anytime, as long as it's included in their check-in."
"Ah, okay, thanks, bro."
"Sure, sir."
I put the ice in the bucket to chill the bottles. I don't like my beer watered down and bland with ice. I let them cool down while I lit another cigarette. Then I started thinking. Where is this relationship with Cza (Sha) heading? Things are moving so fast. Do I really love her, or am I just caught up in the moment? I sighed. In a relationship, it's important to have a reason to love someone. Love and affection are different. Love is selfish. It wants to possess and takes everything for its happiness, not caring if the source of its joy is still happy. Unlike affection, which is broad, understanding, and giving. That's what I want to feel for Cza, to cherish her. Maybe I just love her (desire her) for shallow reasons. Her looks, alluring traits, talent... Material things, including sex, money, house, social status... They say true love doesn't need a reason. But for me, it does. There's no such thing as unconditional love. We always give because we want something in return. For example, you want to love someone to make them happy. It doesn't mean you'll be sad if you make them happy. It means you make them happy because it makes you happy to do so. That's the return of investment when you love someone because you also want to be happy. After all, what can you give if you don't have it yourself? Same as, how can you make someone happy if you're not happy?
The door opened. "Loves, what are you doing there?" Cza's husky voice called out as she walked towards me. Her voice was hoarse from moaning earlier.
"Are you drinking?"
"Yeah, Loves. Just having a smoke."
She sat beside me on the steps and snuggled up to me, so I wrapped my right arm around her. It was getting chilly past eleven. Loves was still wearing the shirt I had splashed on earlier—did she know? She also put her maroon shorts back on.
"You're thinking deeply, Laloves?" she asked.
"Nothing much... What did you tell your folks? How did you get permission? You rarely check your phone; maybe you have important messages."
"I told them I was going to my real mom in Muntinlupa."
"Who were the people fighting the other night?" I asked, curious.
"My mom at home, she's like my real mom's best friend. My real mom went to Japan after giving birth to me and left me with her best friend—who's now my mom. My real mom sends money every month, even now that she has another family. She doesn't want to introduce me to her husband because he's a perv; he might mess with me. I'm not comfortable with her either. I consider my mom's best friend more of a mother."
She paused for a moment.
"What were they fighting about the night I came over?"
"My dad just got out of jail. He's not my real dad. The one my mom's with now at home. I've never seen my real dad. He was into drugs," she said, referring to her stepfather.
"Did your mom send you away that night so your stepdad wouldn't hurt you?"
She was silent for a long time.
....
"My mom caught him molesting me," she admitted, tears streaming straight down her cheeks from both eyes. When tears flow directly, it's a sign of deep emotional pain.
I didn't say anything. I just wanted to listen and let her release all the pain she was carrying. I could hear her sobbing quietly. I gently rubbed her back to comfort her.
I still didn't speak.
....
"I was in kindergarten when he started touching me down there while changing my shorts. Then he would bathe me... He soaped my... it stung. It burned... I couldn't tell my mom because I didn't know what to say. What would I say, 'Mom, Dad is bathing me!'? Is that what I would tellt?"
....
"When I was in grade six, I stopped going to school from February to March, remember?"
"What happened then? You didn't even attend the graduation?"
"Mom caught Dad almost raping me... It was morning; he seemed high on drugs. He was kissing me all over... on my chest, even my... Mom walked in with some visitors, and they reported him to the barangay," she cried deeply, tears and snot flowing as she tried to recount the events.
"I was worried that those visitors might have told their children, who were my classmates. I felt disgusted with myself because of what happened," she sobbed.
I let her cry while I continued to rub her back. I wanted to hug her, but she needed to get past this first. I spoke to her only when she had calmed down.
"But your stepfather was still released? Rape of a minor is a serious crime. It's a life sentence!"
"I don't know."
....
"Want some?" I opened a bottle and offered it to her to lighten the mood a bit. But deep inside, I thought maybe this was the answer to the question I was pondering earlier. My role in Cza's life would be to help rebuild her after being broken by her stepfather. While we're together, I need to help her heal. We should write a new chapter in her past that she can share with anyone. That might be my role in her life.
"Finish that and let's go to bed," she said.
It was just one bottle that I quickly finished, then I took the remaining drinks inside.
"Didn't you get a headache from what you drank last night?"
"Nope," she replied.
I remembered something to mention to her, "Aren't you going to change that shirt?"
"Huh?"
"I finished on it."
"What?" She didn't get it right away. "Oh!!! Gross! Yuck, disgusting!!!"
The mood lightened again as if we hadn't discussed something heavy.
"Take it off and change."
"I have nothing else to wear," she said, throwing the shirt at my face.
"I'll wear your clothes when we go home," she continued.
"What time are we leaving?" she asked, sitting on the bed.
"24 hours... so around 6 or 7 PM."
"What time is it now?"
"There's a clock there, 12:47," it was already early morning.
"Let's sleep," she invited me.
I brushed my teeth and took a hot shower to ease the discomfort. The air conditioning chilled my back, making it ache. I was naked and only wore boxers to be more comfortable. Who knows, maybe we could go for another round.
When I climbed into bed, I turned off the light from the control panel on the phone table in the corner. Then I spooned Cza from behind. My sleeping hardness pressed against her back while I held her. Good night.