"She liked roses" I told her with a tight fake smile on my face. She handed me a bouquet of roses and told me "I hope she will hug you tighter". "Only if graves could hug" I replied leaving the store.
I got into my car while the bouquet of roses lay on the seat next to me where she used to sit.
"I hate car rides" I yelled. Whenever I enter my car all the memories of her flood my brain and drain through my eyes and fill my heart with regrets.
I drove fast towards the graveyard. Honestly driving past the speed limits while your eyes are filled with tears gives you a different kind of adrenaline rush. It helps me forget what's going on in my life and all I feel is peace and emptiness. Sometimes I do it on purpose to kill myself so I can go meet her and apologise to her with all my might. I mean, I'm not deserving of her forgiveness but I can't change the past, Can I?
I slowly walked towards her tombstone, left the flowers there whispering to her "I wish, I understood how you felt". I talked to her for hours about how lonely my life is, I also showed her the cuts on my arm when I tried to self harm while I was full of regret and full of alcohol in my veins.
While I was crying my heart out I felt a cold breeze passing through my neck and under my ears as if she's there lying her head on my shoulder listening to me. But I can't hear her and all I can do is feel her presence.
"Alice, I hope I knew, I hope I realised,
I hope I knew how much I meant to you,
I hope I wasn't an asshole,
I hope I understood how much you loved me, I hope I realised how much difference you bring into my life,
and I hope I realised that you made me a human".
I rush back into my car with heavy heart but empty mind and lock the door with a loud thud.